Ozonto

Respect every pregnant woman biko is not easy walking around with the evidence that she had
s*x😎

Blood is no longer thicker. Nowadays, strangers help us more than relatives. Relatives only accept you when you're successful.

What is really happening dis December 🙄🙈🙆 I slapped my girlfriend and she hug me, kisses me again

1. I bought a power bank for just 2K at the market. And I was happy that I bought it cheap, until my phone started charging the power bank. Please who did I offend?
2. Brothers, stop calling your girlfriends cheap names like honey, sweety, chocolate, sugar... All these things cost less... Call them names like bag of rice, my university fees, petrol... value your girlfriends guys!!! Infact, my bag of cement, I miss you.
3. Please if any girl calls you, and says she's in the Eatery near a super market, don't go. I repeat, don't go. I'm trekking home now.
4. When school resumes, some people will make sure, they don't go home again till their wedding day. I'm number one.
5. Before you can chop women money, it's either you are a pastor or a native doctor. Nobody should call my name ooo.
6. I once called her, but she gave the phone to her roommate, to lie to me that she's not around... Now her roommate is my girlfriend.
7. African girls will never apologize when she does anything wrong, all she needs to do is to sleep naked. CASE CLOSED.
8. You went to charge your torch light. They played "tesumole" and you jumped up and stepped on iPhone 11 Pro.
My brother just go and sell your father's land in the village.
9. Not all broken relationship is worth crying for, some deserves thanksgiving with tubers of yam, fowls, goats, red oil and drinks.
10. The resumption date of schools is not the real problem, but how we and the landlords go settle the house rent matter.
11. One idiot used GUNSHOTS as his ringing tone, his China phone rang in the bank today, for one hour now, you've been looking for the cashier and the two security men.
12. Some guys can deceive eeh... They will be like; "Baby, I see my future kids in your eyes". Well done sir, chairman of national population census, hope you are also seeing golden morn, pampers, school fees and other children things in her forehead too?
Let me come and be going.
13. Life of a student shaa.
When pocket money comes on time, you eat chicken. As the pocket money reduces, you eat chicken's product ( egg ). Before you know it, you begin to eat chicken's food ( corn, millet, garri ). And finally when the pocket money finishes, you become chicken itself, you spend your time walking around, just looking for what to eat.
14. When money is involved, Nigerian girls will be like, " I love his mouth odour, it's so matured".
15. It is statistically believed, that there are more women than men all over the world, but almost every girl has a boyfriend. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
16. When you build a house, let your wife decorate the ceiling, she has seen more ceiling designs than you. Am I communicating
17. My girlfriend travelled to London with my earpiece and charger. Is it okay, for me to tell someone, I have properties in London.
18. My Ex saw me at Shoprite, and she said; " so you are still alive". No ooo I just came to buy bread, and then go back to my grave. Rubbish.
19. Girls, call him today and tell him you coming over, then switch off your phone and sleep like a baby... Let the brother sweep his room for once.
20. Nobody knows short cuts, more than a driver who doesn't have driver's license.
21. Dear Ladies, not every guy that follows you to the kitchen is romantic. My dear, they just want to make sure, you don't put poison in their food.
22. I bought a soap for N2000 and sponge for N5000, and since morning, I have been looking for where to take my bath, for people to see me.
23. In Nigerian movies, the poor boy always meet a rich man's daughter by the roadside, and repair her car, and they later fall in love. I have been standing by the roadside, in my village since morning, and no car wan spoil. Nonsense.
24. "Wait till it gets to your turn, don't rush life" That was how jollof rice and malt, finished before it reached my seat at a wedding.
Motivational speakers, just avoid me this period.
25. Igbo, Yoruba and Hausa man got lost in a forest. The king of the cannibals told them, that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step was to go into the forest, and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
The Yoruba man came back and said to the king, " I brought ten apples ". Then the king explained the trial to him, " You have to swallow the fruits, without any expression on your face, or you will be killed ". The first apple went in, on the second one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The Igbo man arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself, that this should be very easy... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The Yoruba man and the Igbo man met in heaven, and the Yoruba man asked him, " Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with the trial ". The Igbo replied, " I couldn't help it when I saw the Hausa man coming with ten watermelons.
I know you be laughing out loud right now. Which of the jokes was the funniest? Let us know on the comment section below.
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26.
Watching Yoruba films is funny, you will see an angel of God with tribal marks.
27. All the ladies praying for oversea husband, are you still praying or I should mind my own business.
28. Stay at home is not a license for you to increase the population of this country maintain at least two metre distance away from your spouse.
29. i respect people who chew chicken bones until it turn into powder! These people are capable of killing without evidence. I salute them!
30. I magine bank deduct 5k in your account and tell you is your own Donation to fight Corona virus what will be your reaction??
31. Show me a boy with one girlfriend and I will show you a bicycle with AC and seat belt.
32. Who else noticed that people who buy condoms are very patient and loyal, They will be like "Kindly attend to the customers first i will wait".
33. FLASH NEWS:
This is another reminder that the federal government will not be held responsible for any pregnancy during this period. The govt only advised isolation not copulation.
34. Corruption is when you "mess" and you still join others to look out for who farted. My brother God will judge you.
35. Even without light I can locate it and put it deep inside. Today is not my First time to Use Earpiece.
36. A rich man is never wrong. Even when he fart, people will be like " that's money speaking".
37. I magine surviving all this unprotected s*x only to die from an unprotected hand shake. # corona .
38. Don’t let people think you can’t do without them. Remind them that there was a time you didn’t know them and you were doing just fine.
39. A foolish wife slaps her husband when angry. A wise wife waits for a mosquito to stay on his cheek,then PAAAA! She kills it there.
40. Dating a church girl is the best. I cheat, she finds out, we pray together and blame the devil.
41. If 20k can solve a need for you in this lock down, please drop your account, i will drop mine too someone might help us.
42. A meeting to find cure or remedy to Coronavirus was cancelled because of Coronavirus.
43. People who post less on social media be thinking that they have a master degree in maturity.
44. It's not all about having a pretty face. The question is, does it correspond with the colour of your legs.? Ladies come and answer.
45. Another cure for coronavirus is Yoruba soup. Just wash your hand with it you're safe till eternity.
Shoot your shot even when they claim they are taken, some of them are taken for granted.
46. I told my gf that she should embrace her mistakes
... she hugged me
47. You know say Rat wey die on top bag of rice no be hunger kill am na over excitement kill am
48. No matter how sun take hot reach e no go fit make fowl lay boiled egg .
49. Party wey jollof rice no dey na normal meeting be that
50. Book wey no gree enter head go enter exam hall
51. If you break up with someone please breakup completely! Getting back together makes us who spread rumors look like liars
52. Once you introduce her to ur family members,and u hear dem say as long as u are happy...note ur partner is ugly!!! ...
53. Have you noticed that after scratching your a**s, Satan will now come and say "now smell your finger my child"do u like it
54. Yoruba people and party dress code
Brown on Alligator Pepper Green with a touch of
Onion Purple and Maggi Yellow, Haba Why?
55. Only an Igbooo! man, will do his traditional wedding in the afternoon, and still open shop in the evening. No Chills
56. Surviving in Nigeria is not easy ooo. Someone online wants to sell fridge with no door, and he is convincing me to use curtain.
57. I went for an interview this morning, and my Ex was the interviewer. The idiot asked me to mention five rappers from China. I don reach house sha
58. No matter the number of bullets that is shot in the market, an Igbo must lock his shop before running.
59. Fine girl like you, you sent me voice note, and you're sounding like Terry G.
60. It's called leggings "so,what's your stomach doing inside?
61. Pepper enter Babalawo eye, he start to dey shout"Jesus Jesus ".D matter weak me.
62. Some slayqueens,immediately a rich man ask them if they have boyfriend? Theybe like "Boyfriend keep?Boyfriend don baff, and singularly single.
63. It takes you 2mins to undress a girl in thedark but it takes you 20mins to open Psalm 23 in broad day light. Hmmm, come and enter heaven and let me see,Na where I dey go u dey go too.
64. If he breaks ur heart, don't come online and disturbs me with quotes. Sis when I were eating pizza and shawarma did I invite me?.
65. We marry them unemployed but they cannot marry us unemployed. ..who are they?
66. I thought I was smart not until I bought shai (tea) from one aboki which I heard him saying that the tea is for strength. to cut this story short, up till now I'm still putting on my father's big agbada cloth. if you know, you know.
67. Conductor on a train: "But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 25 years old!" "You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!".
68. The way some goat in my area will stare at you eye ball to eye ball You will start to think that they were human beings that picked 50naira and turn to goat.
69. If your girlfriend trust you.. my brother, just know that you are ugly. Because she knows you can't be snatched. Don't argue with me, I over heard it from my ancestors.
70. You can't date a guy that is living with his mother but you can date a man that is living with his wife.
71. I was owing Airtel 5k, I broke the Sim and bought another one, after registration I received a message, "you again"
72. Girls do you remember that year you used sweater to make a baby in school? That's when your stupidity started; I am beside my mom come and beat me if you can.
73. Guys do you remembered when you made cars with tin and slippers? Then begged your mum to allow you park the motor in the room so your friends won't steal your jeep, do you remember? That's when your stupidity started; you can beat me, if you can beat Brock Lesnar
74. To those of you that always helps our mothers to catch us, when she wants to beat us, how far ? How is the security job going, hope you are now working with SARS.
75. When a man marries the wrong woman, the devil leaves him alone because he is finished already.
76. Some people prefer their relationship to spoil than their street transformer.
77. Brothers feel free to wear your trouser for 2 weeks, after all Merlin wore a trouser from season 1 to 5 and nothing happened
78. My relationship is doing well, am even thinking of opening another branch in Kano State.
79. When they call you wife material is careful, some people haven't come to buy any material but to cut pieces for sample, world people.
80. I love the Igbos alot, they threaten in riddles, the chicken that crows in the morning is silent in the evening stew.
81. In America, an ordinary spider bit Peter Parker and he became the famous "Spiderman" doing wonders, flying up in the sky, from there he became women's crush, they want a piece of him. Nigerian spiders what are you doing, bite me? Let me become Nigerian Spiderman, I have some pieces to give all those women that will crush on me.
82. Imagine someone with big eyes telling me; sorry i didn't see your missed calls, what are those eyes for?
83. If i impregnate my girlfriend and runaway doesn't mean I'm not a real man, I am just practicing social distance
84. I bought my first car at the age of 2, don't mind me, i'm just trying to be a motivational speaker
85. A real man will sell his kidney to buy an iPhone 11 for his girlfriend
86. That awkward moment you want to send your boyfriend a love message that will make him h***y and you mistakenly send it to Daddy instead of Daniel oh fada lawd take my soul
87. Guys don't mind me in that number 3 I was drunk when I wrote it
88 .You took my girlfriend and still send me a
friend request,
_Broz , do you want to eat my data too?
Just asking oh
89. MOM: Why is your result so bad?
ME: Bad things happens to good people
Or what do you think?
90. I wasn't planning on becoming a comedian, but since girls has been refusing to reply to my messages, I jumped into comedy, now see my life!!! Eleven year old children are now sending me friend request as if am selling pencil and eraser
91. When I was in primary school, I never knew the Nigerian national anthem was in English language.
Back then, it used to be like:
Araiz oh compamshown
Najeriya skolobey
Tusa awa fadaslan
witlo an sley anfe
Dale bo of awahirosfa
Shaleba vi inves
Tusa tusa awa mayt
Worle shobon in frido
Pisan yuniti”
Hehehe, don’t laugh at me, I know u also sang it like that.
92. A man saw a lion and knelt down and start ed praying, the man open his eyes and saw the lion praying. The man asked the lion "are u a Christian " .The lion answered ,u want me to eat u Abi? , The man fainted.
If it were u what will u do?
11. *Text message*
A boy was in love with a girl but, did not hard the gus to tell her.
So one day he summoned courage and send her a text message at 10pm Saying "I love you please reply ".In a few minutes his phone rang but he was afraid to pick it.The next morning he prayed for it to be a positive reply, then he did his chores, brush his teeth,took his bath and ate his breakfast. So he went to the bed and saw a message, he was so happy thinking that the girl has replied "you have an insufficient balance please recharge"he than fainted.
93. My application to work for NEPA has been approved, ......... I just pity my ex street.
94. Other people cook food and put pepper inside... But Yoruba people will cook pepper and put food inside.. not my handwriting o..
95. Just ask a lady the kind of man she needs... Then sit back and listen as she lists the characteristics of a non-living thing..
96. If you smoke, you will be high... If you read a book, you will get educated... Imagine you doing both together.. you will just get highly educated..
97. It is only in Nigeria that you will take your bath and people will just start asking you "where are you going?". I don't understand o..
98. Are you tired of this country?... Do you want to travel abroad?... Just put your phone on flight mode, stand on it and shout "VOOM"... Safe journey my friend..
99.Bathroom is for Slim ladies... Fat ladies should go and use car wash... Please it's not my handwriting o..
100. Being unemployed is very painful.. you will just be blamed for anything... That's how polish finished in the house and they are saying that I'm the one that licked it.
EXTRA
Just like the way people say that girls have inner beauty... Boys still have inner money.. it is there, just that you can't see it..
As a man, I have made so many mistakes... But you see the mistake of fighting where there is no one to separate us... It will never happen..
Tooth brush is for Slim people... Fat people should go and use hair brush... Please I'm not feeling fine o...
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Children of today don't even know that in our days you could be beaten for any of the following reasons:
1. Crying after being beaten
2. Not crying after being beaten
3. Crying without being beaten
4. Standing where elders are seated
5. Sitting while elders are standing
6. Walking around aimlessly where elders are seated
7. Eating food prepared for visitors
8. Refusing to eat
9. Coming back home after sunset
10. Eating at the neighbour's home
11. Generally being too moody
12. Generally being too excited
13. Loosing a fight with your age mate
14. Winning a fight with your age mate
15. Eating too slowly
16. Eating too quickly
17. Eating too much
18. Not finishing your food
19. Finishing your food and Scraping your plate
20. Eating and talking
21. Sleeping while the elders had already woken up
22. Looking at the visitors while they are eating
23. Stumbling and falling when walking
24. Looking at an elder eye ball to eye ball
25. When an elder talking to you and you blink
26. When an elder is talking to you and you stare and not blink
27. When you look at an elder through the corner of your eye
28. When your mates are playing street football and you join them
29. When your mates are playing and you don’t join them
30. When you don't wash your dish after eating
31. When you wash your dish improperly
32. When you almost break your dish
33. When you break your dish
34. When you bite your nails.
34.. When you don't bathe
35. When you bathe too quickly
36. When you take too long to bathe
37. When you’re beaten in school for misbehaving
38. When a car almost knocks you down
39. When a car knocks you down and you don’t die!
Some of these reasons for beating a child may appear far-fetched today but they sure did happen and they were the norm that shaped the adults of today.
Kudos to African parents. We, the generation you almost killed with beating say .... THANK YOU