JennyMoutou.com

Who are you? (Part 2)

“You should drive this car”
“You should go into this profession”
“You should wear these clothes”
“You should say it this way…”
“You should… you should… you should….” If I don’t consciously reject other people’s opinions of me, then I subconsciously accept what they say - even if what they say is complete bu****it.

You have to pay attention to that stuff. When that stuff gets in, it can be ridiculously difficult to undo it. Pay attention.

My personal journey, as well as the choices I have made or failed to make, have been my greatest lessons. I learned that we can be at the mercy of disruption and change in our lives, or we can orchestrate them. Said another way, you can bring the change or you can let change happen to you.

One has the potential to send you into the dark for a long, long time, the other, proves to be uncomfortable and maybe a little sad for a time, but invariably gives you power to facilitate a life and experiences you want and desire.

When you are at the mercy, you have no choices. When you govern yourself and your life, you have all the power.
It’s a vicious cycle, people telling you who you are and what you are, only when you look out into their life, you realise they’re the product of who other people told them they are. Living into the illusion that they are steering their own ship and seemingly oblivious to the programs that are running them.
What’s my point? In the Netflix show I Am Not Your Guru, Anthony Robbins says “I made this motherf**k’n Tony Robbins” What did he mean?

⚔️ He means, HE determined who HE was going to be in the world. HE determined what he was going to stand for. HE created the vision of himself and his life and HE went out and forged that but most of all he didn’t let anyone take him off course. ⚔️

Who are you? (Part 1)

One of my teachers reminds me, “Jenny, we are defined by what we say no to, as much as what we say yes to”. She’s right. During this transition period, I have been carefully observing myself and others. I have, if you like, been super self-reflective. Curious to see the butterfly effects of my choices and the impact of affirming a no in my life. I’ve gone from being a people pleasing “Yes” person to an assertive “No”. And I can see that people are not always happy when you assert where your boundaries are. They want to tell you what to do, “Get back in your box” or tell you what you are “You’re bossy” and it takes something to look that in the face and consciously reject it. Here’s the thing I learnt:

If I don’t consciously reject other people’s opinions of me (opinions that don’t resonate with who I know myself to be, or what I know myself to want), then I subconsciously accept what they say.
Here’s a classic albeit somewhat off tangent example. As a teen, you’re often asked the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” And you might have some ideas about that, but so does everybody else. At some point someone comes along in your life - parents, aunty, uncle, whatever - and they say “You should be a ….(fill in the blank)” and off you go and spend the next 30 years of your life doing a job you really dislike, all because someone told you to.

Let's be honest here, are your life choices determined by what other people think you should be, or what they think you should do, or have?

What’s love got to do with it?

So what did all this “learning to see” open up for me? First let’s just say I don’t know how, but it opened up a channel of unconditional love. I found that I could love in spite of whatever, or whoever, was doing what they did. I could love myself in spite of whatever flaws presented themselves. Whenever things occurred that could take me off course - and they did and often, eventually, I would return to love. It became my default state. In love, we are nurtured, whole, complete and perfect.
I feel it when I look at my daughter, when a stranger walking past me says hello, or when the lady I’m riding past refuses to move aside on the footpath. All are opportunities to love. Everything is powerless against love. It’s a state worthy of being anchored in, but one in which most of us are starving.

Perhaps like me, you've struggled to really know what unconditional love for yourself looks and feels like. Perhaps like me, you've grown so accustomed to sending it out and pouring it onto others, that you have no idea about the magnificence it offers, if only you could direct it inwards.

Let me ask you this, are you in love with your life? Are you in love with the process of who you are becoming? Do you know who it is, that’s emerging in you? Have you sat in the stillness long enough to hear the voice of your guide or spirit?

Is it time? You are worth it. You deserve to be happy, to be free to be and to know truly what that love inside you feels like. Take it from me, it's a discovery worth exploring.

Learning to see.

To my beautiful friends who reached out to see if I am ok, let me assure you I am! 😊⚔️ 🕊️Life is beautiful.🕊️ Everyday we are gifted with the opportunity to overcome the programming and the limitations of our minds. Everyday we are given choices to make. Some days we make wise choices that move us closer to our aspirations and other days we choose the path that leaves us locked in paralysing fear, or the avoidance of it.

Over the last year, as I studied and took on the practices of the Course in Miracles, something remarkable happened. I learnt to see. I mean I truly learnt to see. I became the observer of my thoughts and I watched myself in action. I watched as my brain made up stories and my emotions participated in the drama. From there, I observed how my body reacted all the while acting like the story - I had made up - was true. I watched the impact on others, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I learnt that my brain is very good at making up stories and that my emotions and my body are all too willing to believe the bu****it that it conjures. Oh to be human! What a wonderful misery we create for ourselves.

It is an extraordinary step to go from a level of awareness where you know what you’re doing is not working, but you can’t ‘fix’ it; to a level where you watch the whole thing play out, but are still somewhat ‘powerless’ to change it; to then go on to choose a state of conscious play where you can enter a new state of being and graduate from the drama altogether. (I’m not quite at that level but have been happily experimenting). So how does it look, this making up stories business? Think of the last time you had a fight with someone you love. How much of that fight happened in your head, before you even saw them? How much of it was the stuff you can’t get over? How much was actually about the present and not the past, or the future?

Are you masterful at making up stories too? 😁

With the sun setting on another day I can't help but give great thanks for the sunshine and the heat and the feel of the ocean on my skin.

The clear sky, the fresh clean water. The freedom to be. Truly there's a lot to be grateful for.

And I'm grateful for you... Yes you. The you who are many in my life.
For your company. For the calls to check in. For the prayers when I am weak. For the annoying questions that invariably make us laugh. For caring enough to say 'hey'.
Thank you.

It begins with the end. (Part 2)

I knew the answer before asking the question. It was one that had been revealed to me months before, but I had been using my relationship as a distraction.

Have you done that? Used people or things or alcohol or drugs or shopping or anything really - as a distraction to take you away from what you really need to be doing?

The thing is, I knew it. Spirit knew it. My lover knew it. The end was timely and necessary. It was time to focus on the work. Time to share my message (whatever that happens to be) and time to find new ways for this expression of love inside me, with the world.
I honestly don’t know what that’s going to look like. I am not a guru. I am not special. I have some things I have learnt that I would like to share with you. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to learn how to ‘do it right’. And at the end of the day, who is there to teach me how to do me best, but me? And so that's what I've chosen to do. I’m just going to be me. I’m going to share what’s in my heart and what’s on my mind.

Here’s the thing, the last year and a half of my life I’ve been in transition. I’ve been through an emotional rollercoaster and I am emerging, but I am not ‘fixed’ because I was never broken. Some of what I share will be raw and uncomfortable, for me and maybe for you. Why? Because I want to look at the pain of the human spirit. I want to sit with it. I am not afraid. In my life, the running shoes have always been on, ready to bolt in any moment.

This last year has taught me to park those sneakers at the door and to sit in the spaces that emerge. It has been one of the most liberating things to do for my soul.
So why am I sharing this? To make you feel depressed 😊No absolutely not. I share because I want to connect with the very essence of what makes us human. Our pain. Our joy. Our excitement about life. I want to connect with the things that scare us. The things we don’t talk about. I want to share with you the things that bring me out of my shell and the things that send me into hiding. I want to speak from my heart to yours and in my speaking if there are things that you can use for your life, then so be it.

It begins with the end. (Part 1)

As someone who has ventured from one relationship to another, it has taken me some time to unearth the motivation and driver for living such a life. Recently, I found myself at the end of yet another relationship. In the past, this would have elicited a downward spiral, led by a series of questions with one inevitable destination - self-pity. “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I be in relationship?” “Why can’t I be normal?” And other such dysfunctional questions, ill suited to the empowering of the self.
You may detect a hint of sarcasm in my voice - if you don’t, it’s there. Why? Because far from going into this spiral, I found myself in another type of loop. The loop of logic versus emotion. The kind of loop where your mind is somehow split in two and you end up fighting with yourself. “Why did he say that? I don’t understand.” “Forget about it, I want to feel good. Brain, make me feel good.” “No but he said…” And so it goes, this battle of replay that gets you nowhere but crazy real quick. It’s ironic. Twenty years of personal development to ‘fix me’ and watching that play out. Was this the first time? No way. But, it was the first time I was so totally conscious of being stuck in it, with no solutions forthcoming. A humbling reminder of my humanity in action.

So here I am, it’s the end. The mind full of logic “knows” this is for the best. The heart bruised and wanting what it wants - love, affection and to be held in closeness with another - is emphatically saying “f**k off” to the brain.

At one level, I am the observer somewhat amused at the antics of this parade going on inside me, at another, I am fully immersed as the participant, feeling both relief and despair.

The Invitation

2020 is the year of vision and acceptance. The birthing and manifestation of a vision I have long since held and nurtured and the acceptance of myself, my life, for who I am, and for who I am not. This means I come to you, without judgement, with peace and a willingness to be with however things are and however they are not.

I have an invitation to you, to be part of and to share my journey with me, if you choose. I will share from my heart honestly and openly. Use what works for you and leave the rest behind.

Feel free to share with me from your journey. I am always the students of what life has to offer.

This is my truth, it may not be yours. That’s ok. Take what supports and nurtures your growth and leave the rest behind. Remember always, that I write through the filter of my life and my experiences. I don’t know you. I don’t know your life or your innermost thoughts. If what I say offends you - go within. If what I say inspires you - go within.

Spirit has taught me the value of inner work. When I get triggered in my outer world, the actors of my triggers, present as my greatest teachers, if I let them. If I go within - instead of lashing out - I can unearth the drivers, the motivations and the sources of my sub-conscious programming.

This is the key to my liberation.
This is the key to being internally free.

Why is that important to me (and in my opinion, to the evolution of human consciousness)? Because if we can see that we are both, the prisoner of our own mind and the person with the key to set ourselves free, then in spite of external circumstances, we can be free no matter what. This is my ultimate objective, to cultivate a character that is free to be in the world and if my journey is a source of strength or a catalyst for you, then so be it.

And so it begins…

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