02/24/2022
Are you aware of how you show up in your relationship?
Most of my clients are completely unaware of the ways they contribute to the dissatisfaction in their relationship when we start working together.
They love their partner, but acts of manipulation have become much more common than acts of love, egotistical love has replaced authentic love.
In the initial stage of a relationship, commonly known as the honeymoon stage, both partners are driven by a spike in hormones and naturally want to prioritize the other all the time. The relationship feels light, fun and easy.
Once you start shifting to the next stage and your hormones regulate themselves, challenges slowly start to arise. Whereas you initially thought you had found the perfect match, it now seems like your significant other has changed and developed some habits and patterns that you’re not very fond of. In reality, the person hasn’t changed—you were simply “blinded” by euphoric love.
When that shift happens or at any point in a relationship where needs aren’t being met, it can feel very unsettling. It’s hard to understand how something that felt so magical and easy can now feel challenging and out of our control.
So what do most do? We try to get that false sense of control back with acts of manipulation. While we’re not consciously trying to manipulate our significant other, we will try to control the relationship narrative in different ways either to obtain reassurance or to get an ego win (ie trying to prove a point for no other reason than to show our partner they were wrong or we were right).
Authentic love requires compassion, and compassion requires having a grip on our ego. Living in a very egotistical society, practicing compassion is something we have to learn and actively work on. In order to elevate our relationship, we need to be aware of how we show up and understand the ways in which we participate in harmful patterns.
Have you ever stopped to think about how you contribute to the dynamic in your relationship? Let me know in the comments! ⬇️⬇️
02/18/2022
If we want our partner to show vulnerability and communicate authentically, we need to learn how to make them feel safe.
The most important thing to consider when aiming to make someone feel safe to share with us is emotional validation.
Emotional validation requires practicing curiosity in order to understand and express acceptance of the other’s emotional experience. We might not agree, but what’s important is that we make them feel accepted, that we honour their experience as if it were the truth—because it’s theirs!
For most of us, emotional validation requires that we unlearn a lot of what we’ve been taught and have experienced ourselves over the course of our lives. We live in a society where emotional exploration isn’t encouraged and we automatically tend to want to avoid dealing with feelings, whether it’s our own or others’.
When we learn to make our partner feel comfortable to share and we cultivate a space without judgement or blame, they will be encouraged to show vulnerability and communicate authentically, and our connection will flourish.
Have you ever heard of emotional validation before? I’d love to read your thoughts on this topic, let me know in the comments!
10/15/2021
People are limited by their wounds.
Oftentimes, we feel pain and resentment in our relationship because we have certain expectations from our partner and they don’t come through.
But what causes our disappointment and ensuing emotions most of the time isn’t that our partner didn’t do a certain thing, it’s our interpretation of their behaviour.
We think they acted a certain way because they consciously chose to, but very often it’s because they have certain limitations and didn’t have the tools to respond differently.
When we understand that, we can shift from feeling resentful towards them to seeing their pain and anger, and having compassion. And with compassion we can show up in a way that fosters a deeper connection.
How does this resonate for you? Let me know in the comments ⤵️
07/09/2021
What are your couple goals?
While social media is a great way to learn and educate ourselves on certain topics, it can also be harmful when the content that is consumed—and internalized—conveys toxic messaging.
Most messages that are spread on social platforms and communicated in movies cultivate a very superficial and outdated definition of love and relationships which inevitably leads to disappointment and confusion for most.
One of the very first things I cover with my clients is the information they expose themselves to. You have to consume content that is aligned with the type of relationship you want. That’s where a lot of your thoughts and beliefs are actually formed.
Being intentional about the messages you allow into your mind plays a big role in creating the partnership of your dreams.
Want to get your thoughts on this. Is this something you’ve considered before?
05/24/2021
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐫𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
When you desperately long for someone to choose you—whether it’s a future partner or your significant other in your current relationship—you act in ways that actually push your partner or potential partners away.
When the focus is on having someone else validate you, you get attached to certain outcomes and assign perceived meanings to situations.
A simple late night at the office for your partner can quickly turn into him not prioritizing you, a need for a weekend away alone means that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, etc.
In reality though, what choosing you actually entails is your definition of love tainted by a void you feel inside and that definition might not be aligned with your partner’s definition in some instances.
You’re looking for them to comply to your need of being completed by someone else’s actions when really, only you can complete yourself.
That need is applying unnecessary pressure to everyone.
When things don’t go your way, the false meanings you assign to certain outcomes might trigger low-frequency feelings and reactions towards your significant other that will undoubtedly lead to conflict and resentment.
They then feel pressured to make certain decisions they might not necessarily want to make to please you or avoid certain consequences, which in the end only reduces their will to choose you in the future because they feel misunderstood.
Being chosen is an outdated toxic social construct unfortunately still used in marketing to promote romcoms and boost wedding industry sales.
When you invest your energy in yourself, your partner—and everyone else for that matter—will organically gravitate towards you and make you a priority as they will naturally feel called to.
I’m curious how this lands for you.
Where are you at after reading this?
05/01/2021
How do you deal with your partner telling you no?
Not getting what we want from our partner is difficult to handle.
We’re conditioned to believe that love eliminates our sense of self, that we sometimes have to ignore ourselves to satisfy our partner.
We’ve all heard “If he really loved me, he would do it”.
We’ve internalized a ton of harmful beliefs that make us assume our partner should act the way we do. And if they don’t, it 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐭 be because they’re misbehaving and don’t love us enough.
And what do misbehaving people get? Punishment.
When our partner denies us something we want, our reflex is to withdraw love and compassion some way or another. We might become cold, give the silent treatment or refrain from doing things we would normally do for them.
Needless to say, doing those things intentionally is manipulative and harmful to our relationship. However, even if we don’t set out to punish, yet our behaviour still changes because we’re disappointed or flat-out angry and we don’t explain it, the result remains the same. Our partner will receive our reaction as a punishment and it will set a precedent for the future where they might feel forced to comply.
And what if their 𝘯𝘰 to us is a 𝘺𝘦𝘴 to themselves? Behind most 𝘯𝘰’s, there are needs being protected.
At their core, our partner wants to provide for us, but sometimes what we want may interfere with what they can offer in that moment.
By saying no, they’re honouring themselves and being honest with us. We certainly don’t want to deter them from that—which is what punishment does.
Instead of assuming, opt for trying to understand what need of your partner is being honoured. We can honour our reality by expressing our feelings AND theirs by showing compassion and curiosity—both realities can coexist.
We all want our partner to “choose” us regularly. But punishment doesn’t allow space for someone to make a choice. If you want your partner to choose you, they need the freedom not to.
What would you add to this? Let’s chat ⤵️
04/28/2021
It’s you behind the wheel. No one else.
I had a conversation with a long-time friend yesterday and it put certain things into perspective for me.
I’ve built a life where I’m surrounded with people who constantly want to evolve and actually put the work in to be who they truly want to be.
Because of that, I sometimes forget how absolutely fu**in huge of an accomplishment it is for someone to finally face themselves and their ego, to let go of all the crap they’ve been taught up until that point in their lives, to go back to the drawing board and start rebuilding.
And then it dawned on me.
In the past week, I had two clients tell me that they’re pregnant (and happy about it) after being on the verge of divorce less than two years ago.
I had another client call me in tears to tell me her partner is moving back in after a very challenging year.
An ex-client emailed to let me know she’s finally filing for divorce and feels "like a new life has just opened up where anything is possible".
I have another client who messages me about her health progress (a big issue in her relationship) every week for accountability and she went from a 47yo metabolic age and horrible hormonal imbalance to a 35 yo
metabolic age and stable levels in less than a year.
Those women all have one thing in common:
they weren’t happy with their lives and relationships and they took control.
They faced themselves, they looked for help, they figured out what the gap was between their current and desired realities, they acquired the relationship skills they needed to make the things they wanted from their relationship happen and they got to work.
Those women aren’t smarter or luckier than anyone else. They simply stopped blaming others for their circumstances, took ownership of their reality and put in the work.
They hit refresh. They took their power back.
And you can too 🤎
05/01/2021
04/28/2021