Beaulieu Park FC

🗞 Three Goals, One Bust-Up & Zero Points — Beaulieu Make a Pig’s Ear of It

Beaulieu Gazette – Sport�Serving the community (and occasionally serving drama)�Sunday 11th January 2026�Senior Reporter: Harry Staines

After a festive lay-off long enough to make even Santa lose match fitness, Beaulieu finally laced their boots again and waddled their way to Hannakins Farm with hopes of starting 2026 in style.

Unfortunately, they arrived looking less like hungry lions and more like overfed Christmas turkeys.
The hosts started brighter and it didn’t take long for disaster to strike. A harmless-looking ball trickled under the returning Wakey’s foot and gifted Hannakins a tap-in.
To their credit, Beaulieu woke up. Ollie Storey unleashed a thunderous left-footed rocket that rattled the bar, and Geo was there like a bargain hunter on Boxing Day to score. Moments later, a deliciously whipped corner was met by Aidan “The Enforcer,” who powered home to make it 2–1. Beaulieu were flying… briefly.
Just before the break, Hannakins Farm reminded everyone this was their barnyard, floating in a cross that was neatly nodded home. 2–2 at halftime.

Manager Dave Adkins rang the changes so fast he could’ve been working in a call centre. But Beaulieu came out for the second half half-asleep, and Hannakins punished them again with yet another ball into the box, 3–2 to the hosts.
From there it was all Beaulieu. Shots flew. Pressure piled up. Then came the moment: Penalty to Beaulieu. Step forward Luke Rumble, the specialist… who promptly forgot how to kill things.

The keeper saved, the score stayed 3–2, and Hannakins Farm held firm as Beaulieu huffed, puffed, and failed to blow the house down.
But the real fireworks came after the whistle.

Rumble and Adkins locked horns in what Geo described as “a scene from Emmerdale,” with accusations of substitutions being “changed like hotcakes” flying around. It was less debrief and more soap opera.

⭐️ MOTM went to right-back Staino, who shocked everyone by going forward, nearly scoring, and throwing himself into tackles like a man who’d had one too many espressos.

Beaulieu may have lost, but they certainly didn’t go quietly… or politely...

Somehow, we managed to get this game on today!

Last match of 2025 for Beaulieu today as they face off against Old Chelmsfordians Reserves for a spot in the Division Two Cup semi final.

🗞 AIDAN CRUNCHES, BEAULIEU CLINCHES! Cup Run Rolls On

Beaulieu Gazette - Sport- Serving the community
Sunday 7th December 2025
Senior Reporter - Harry Staines

After further league frustration, Beaulieu decided to take shelter in their favourite place this season – the cup – as they splashed their way over to Little Waltham, hoping for another giant-killing sequel to the Maldon Social blockbuster. With rain lashing down and the pitch slowly transforming from “lush green” to “PGT mud-bath,” all the ingredients were in place for a certified cup classic.

The visitors flew out of the traps, stretching play wide and looking sharp despite the conditions. And who else but Mr PGT Himself, Luke Rumble, to break the deadlock? Up stepped the midfield maestro with a free kick so perfect the Waltham keeper might as well have stayed in the changing room. 1–0 Beaulieu… and surely, surely, lessons had been learned about protecting an early lead?
Absolutely not.

A scruffy Waltham corner was met with equally scruffy defending, and the hosts bundled home to make it 1–1. Game on. Beaulieu responded well, pinning Waltham back and firing off chance after chance, only to be denied by a goalkeeping performance that bordered on witchcraft. At half-time it remained locked at 1–1, with Beaulieu wondering how they weren’t already out of sight.

The second half followed the same script: Beaulieu pushing, Waltham resisting. Then, just as the visitors looked most dangerous, football did what football does best—punish profligacy. A hopeful route-one ball was flicked on and finished past the previously untroubled Beaulieu back line. 2–1 Waltham, and suddenly the cup dream was wobbling.

But this Beaulieu side has heart, grit—and apparently, a serious obsession with late drama. With ten minutes to go, a corner caused chaos and Impey pounced to smash home the equaliser. 2–2! Cue limbs, noise, and yet another chapter added to this growing cup fairytale.

Into extra time we trudged, the Beaulieu boys in red somehow finding yet another gear. Pressure built, tackles flew in, and then—magic. A deflected strike from Peter and his magic hat finally broke Waltham hearts to make it 3–2. From that point on, the tie felt sealed.

There was still time for controversy, of course. With a Waltham player down injured, the hosts expected the ball to be kicked out. But under strict instructions from Aidan, play continued. Beaulieu worked the ball up the pitch and fired home a fourth to the fury of the home crowd. 4–2, handbags emotionally thrown, and Beaulieu booked their place in Round Three.

The final whistle confirmed a fantastic away performance, a muddy masterpiece, and yet another reminder that when it comes to cup football, Beaulieu simply refuses to be ordinary.

⭐️ MAN OF THE MATCH:
Aidan “The Enforcer” – a one-man wrecking crew in midfield. Crunching tackles, total dominance of every 50/50, and a nasty gash on the chin as proof of battle. A warrior in every sense.

🔥 Special Mentions:
* Luke Rumble – two goals and endless quality.
* Impey – relentless running and the vital equaliser.
* Barnard – enormous impact off the bench with key tackles at crucial moments.

Time for some cup action for our Sunday side.

Today’s game for our Sundays.

📰 CHELMER 4–4 BEAULIEU: DEFENDING? NEVER HEARD OF HER.

🗞 Beaulieu Gazette - Sport- Serving The Community
Sunday 23rd November 2025
Senior Reporter - Harry Staines

In a game that had more twists than a GCSE drama submission, Beaulieu Park arrived at Melbourne Park with one simple mission: stop conceding silly goals. Unfortunately, that message was intercepted somewhere between the changing room door and the first whistle, because the action kicked off like a comedy sketch before the lads in red had even found their shin pads.

Beaulieu, in typical “take the scenic route to victory” fashion, struck first—and fast. Just 60 seconds in, Wadey lifted a cross into the mixer, and a Chelmer defender enthusiastically volleyed it into his own net. A tidy finish, wrong badge. The Beaulieu fans barely had time to finish their celebratory v**e clouds before things unraveled like a cheap Primark duvet.

You’d think last week’s heartbreak might have taught them something. Absolutely not. Chelmer took possession and started knocking it around like they had discovered tiki-taka in a cereal box. They drew level, got spicy, and for seasoning, our dear Mr. Avery unleashed language so colourful that the assistant referee saw red—or rather, yellow, earning himself a sin bin.
Playing with ten, Beaulieu politely allowed Chelmer to stroll into a 2–1 lead before half-time. The boys went into the break with stern instructions ringing in their ears: “Stop playing like you’re allergic to defending.” A fair ask.

Then came the second half—where Beaulieu’s stand-in keeper, Stainesy, decided to audition for Strictly Come Kicking The Ball Directly To The Other Team. Chelmer gratefully accepted the invitation to score, going 3–1 up. At this point, the Beaulieu dugout began consulting local plumbers.

But like every dodgy soap opera, there’s always a dramatic comeback subplot. Wadey danced around the keeper and tucked in a calm finish to make it 3–2, before Beaulieu remembered their contractual obligation to fall apart again. A ping-pong clearance attempt—featuring a generous assist from panic—let Chelmer walk in a fourth. 4–2. The red shirts survived solely on caffeine and rage.
Then came Brandon with a whipped free kick so wicked it seemed to ricochet off everything except the crossbar. 4–3. Cue the comeback klaxon.�Galley lobbed a pass into orbit, Brandon chased it down, rounded the keeper, and buried an equaliser from a tighter angle than your weekly parking attempt. 4–4. Melbourne Park became the most dramatic spot in Essex since someone complained about the wrong takeaway order in Chelmsford Tesco.

The final ten minutes? Pure chaos. Two teams who cannot defend, lunging at three points like toddlers scrapping over a tablet. When the whistle blew, both squads looked relieved—nobody wanted to risk accidentally winning or losing again.
Chelmer Village will happily frame their first point of the season; Beaulieu, meanwhile, may look back at this as the football equivalent of locking yourself out of your house while holding the keys.

⭐️ MAN OF THE MATCH: Jake “Bring Me On, Coach” Barnard
Came off the bench like he was auditioning for a police dog unit—intensity, tackles, absolutely everywhere. If the rest of the squad had matched his energy from the start, Beaulieu might’ve been celebrating three points instead of four goals conceded and mild emotional trauma. A deserved shout for dragging the team back from the brink.

Time for our Sunday side to play an away game for the first time in almost a month… at the same pitch they play their home games…

Yesterdays match saw Guy Sarfas net again but in a losing effort.

Away day for our Saturday side.

️ BEAULIEU BLOW A FIVE-STAR LEAD IN MELBOURNE PARK MAYHEM!
�Braintree Legends Pull Off Cup Heist as Beaulieu Hit Self-Destruct Button (Again)
By our roving touchline reporter, Harry Staines
� Beaulieu Gazette – Sport | Sunday, November 16th 2025

In a county cup clash that had more twists than a Morris dancer on a roundabout, Beaulieu welcomed the familiar faces of Braintree Legends — a side they’ve drawn with twice in preseason, and apparently been saving all their unspent chaos for.

The boys in red came flying out of the traps, pinging the ball about like they’d swallowed a coaching manual. A rapid-fire one-two saw Brandon Avery open the scoring before Big H the Accountant decided he’d file his tax return and a goal in the same afternoon. It was 2–0 quicker than you could say “receipt required.”
Avery, meanwhile, was causing such devastation down the left flank that local residents have reportedly applied for disaster relief. His deliveries were so pinpoint he could comfortably moonlight as a midwife.
But Beaulieu, being Beaulieu, decided comfort was overrated. Braintree nodded home from a soft free-kick to make it 2–1, only for the reds to march up the other end and restore their cushion with a third. End-to-end stuff! A proper cup tie! The sort of game that gives neutrals joy and managers heartburn.
Big Bad Rumble then whipped in a sumptuous cross that Avery positively walloped home for his second, prompting the away fans to applaud his brilliance (and possibly beg him to switch teams at half-time).
Naturally, chaos re-entered the chat.

Just before the whistle, Braintree tucked one away from what looked so offside the scorer may as well have been queueing for a burger. But Beaulieu’s linesman, Guy Sarfas, after a polite chinwag with the ref, awarded it anyway. Reportedly, he “liked the honesty of the finish.” Others suggested he “liked the look of his weekend accumulator.” Hard to say.
Then disaster: Big H hobbled off with a hamstring strain. The home crowd groaned, calculators everywhere fell silent.

SECOND HALF: THE SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE BEGINS
Braintree came out swinging, but Beaulieu hit them with a counterattack so perfect it should be framed in the Louvre. 5–3! Surely safe now?
Hahahahahahaha. No.
Beaulieu promptly pressed the big red button marked DO NOT PRESS and conceded twice in the blink of an eye. 5–5. Panic. Chaos. Existential dread.
Then veteran Ollie Storey was sin-binned after expressing what some might call constructive criticism of the referee’s decision-making. Ten minutes on the naughty step for him.
With ten men, Beaulieu hung on bravely… until the final kick of the game, when Braintree smashed home the winner and sprinted off celebrating like they’d won the lottery with someone else’s ticket.
The Beaulieu faithful were heartbroken. The Braintree bench celebrated wildly, though their coaching staff drew attention for behaviour that can best be described as “Saturday-morning-market-stall-energy.”
And so, in an 11-goal epic at Melbourne Park, Beaulieu crashed out while Braintree marched on, probably still in disbelief.

️ MAN OF THE MATCH
Brandon Avery – 2 goals, 2 assists, and roughly 87 nightmares induced down the left wing. A shining light on a day dimmer than a broken floodlight.

If the rest of the cup serves up anything half as dramatic as this, St John Ambulance may need to prepare defibrillators.

⚽️GAME DAY⚽️

Time to see if the Sundays can get through to the third round of the County Cup.