Deidre Bennett- Relationship Coach

“One sentence that instantly kills communication in relationships…”

It’s not shouting.
It’s not swearing.
It’s not even raised voices.

It’s dismissal.

“You’re overreacting.”
“It’s not that deep.”
“Why are you making this such a big deal?”

Those phrases seem small. Casual, even.
But they land heavy.

Because underneath them is a message that says:
“Your feelings are wrong.”
“You’re too much.”
“This isn’t worth my time.”

And once someone feels dismissed, something shifts.

They stop explaining.
They stop clarifying.
They stop trying to be understood.

At first, it looks like peace.
Less arguing. Less emotion.

But it’s not peace.
It’s withdrawal.

And withdrawal is where intimacy starts to erode.

Here’s the thing:
You don’t have to agree with someone’s perspective to validate their experience.

Validation sounds like:
“I can see this really upset you.”
“I didn’t realise it affected you like that.”
“Help me understand.”

That’s what keeps the door open.

People open up where they feel heard.
They shut down where they feel minimised.

If you want better communication,
pause before you respond.

Ask yourself:
Am I trying to win this?
Or am I trying to understand the person I love?

Because one sentence can close a conversation.
But one validating response can change the entire dynamic.

Save this for your next hard conversation.

Sometimes we (yes, me included) stay in situations far longer than we ought to.

The relationship is so soul destroying and this is probably the 5th time you've broken up but you still go back to him because you prefer the safety of the devil you know than the uncertainty of being alone.

The thing is though, there's a much more beautiful life on the other side of that toxic, soul destroying cycle. Sure, you'll need time to heal- to rediscover yourself, to find your groove back. But you'll be sooooo much better off. Inpromise you, he's not your last chance at love and you won't die of loneliness.

And believe me, I can say all that because years ago, I was in the same boat. Till Jesus knocked some sense into my head. So I'm doing the same for you.

So sis.... I say this with love. Stop acting like you've got a tree growing in your face. You're stunning. You've got so much going for you. YOU. ARE. THAT. GIRL!!! Act like it boo! 😍🤩💞

You’re not fighting about the dishes.
Or the tone.
Or the fact they were late again.

You’re fighting about what it *represents*.

Most repeated arguments aren’t about behaviour.
They’re about an unmet need underneath it.

“I don’t feel valued.”
“I don’t feel prioritised.”
“I don’t feel heard.”

When the need doesn’t get acknowledged, the argument keeps coming back wearing a different outfit.

Same pain.
Different trigger.

If you keep having the same fight, stop asking,
“How do we fix this issue?”

Start asking,
“What is this really about?”

That’s where the shift happens.

Save this for when you catch yourself in a loop.

It isn’t constant fireworks.

It’s little pockets of laughter slipped into the mundanity of everyday life.
It’s found in the shopping lists and the “what’s for dinner?” texts sent in the middle of the day.
The quiet nights on the sofa trying to figure out what — if anything — to watch.
The middle of the night gentle wake up with a request for prayer.
The late-night conversations in bed when one (or both) of you has an early morning and you know you’ll pay for it by 10am.
It’s the “wagwaan goodaz!” greeting on the other end of an answered call.🤪
The sometimes mutual, silent decision to tackle everything on the general to-do list… until one of you calls quits and collapses into a heap on the sofa.
(Wait — that might just be us😅)

The point is, marriage isn’t just the highlight reel we share here from time to time — the date nights, holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries.

It’s consistently choosing each other on very ordinary days.

Growing with someone instead of performing for them.

Chat with me in the comments, what's one thing that nobody told you about marriage that you had to figure out yourself?

Marriage doesn’t have to be hard if it’s intentional. 😬 There. I said it.
Don’t get me wrong, challenges will arise, but this message of “oo oo marriage is so hard, the first year is the worst, blah blah” really grinds my gears. It doesn’t have to be any of that, and I sincerely believe that we who are married need to be mindful of the rhetoric we send out into the world. Oftentimes, we are our own worst advertisements, and part of that is the reality that most people who are in successful marriages are quiet about it because anything that goes against the prevailing rhetoric is seen as boastful.

Now, I don’t profess to have the best marriage in the world, but what I can shout from the rooftops is that I have a very intentional one. That intentionality has allowed us to navigate choppy waters without the ship breaking apart or taking on water — and that is due firstly to God, but also to our willingness to be led.

We don’t shout at each other. Yes, we disagree from time to time, but we are intentionally mindful of our tone and pitch in our responses. If we can’t say it in a normal tone of voice, we don’t say it at all. We wait for a time when we can. Does this mean we sit there stewing? No. It means we pause for a moment and let the heated emotion pass before we speak.

We attack the problem, not each other. You won’t find us calling each other out of our names or accusing each other of being malicious or ill-intentioned. That’s my best friend. At the start and end of the day, I am talking to someone who loves me unreservedly. Whatever harm or hurt I feel as a result of something they have done or said is never taken as intentional wounding. So we don’t approach it as if we need to defend ourselves against each other, but rather as an opportunity to bring awareness to how an action affected us. When we take this route, we quickly realise that most things are oversights, not intentional harm.

We push through the awkward reconciliation stage quickly. Unintentional hurt is still hurt, and sometimes the residue of the sting will linger longer than its welcome if you let it. I don’t sit and stew in it; instead, I seek out points of physical connection. A quick kiss or hug, a leg thrown haphazardly across a lap, toes tucked under a thigh, or sharing a single seat cushion on the sofa 🤣 — any physical connection that reminds my brain that we are a unit.

What are some of the ways you show intention during challenging moments in your marriage?