The Love You Deserve

I have reflected a lot on the question of whether I’m dating a ‘lost boy’, or whether I’m a ‘lost girl’ chasing a fantasy. A “lost girl” seeking the “lost boy” trying to heal my childhood trauma with perfect love?

'Lost Boy' is a term Danielle and I came up with during our many, many chats on our dating and relationship experiences.

I often hear the term’ f*** boy’, which I understand is someone who can’t commit, and who is normally driven by the physical side of a relationship. A “f*** boy” tends to f*** you around, and then leave once he’s manipulated you into bed. But I actually found them more honest in a way, in that they tend to show themselves early on in the encounter. F*** Boys aren’t generally subtle.

‘Lost boys’ are far more covert, or hidden in their unavailability; and in many ways can be more damaging to your self esteem. They are men who display — maybe seductively — a very kind, emotional side of themselves. They may even want a relationship, and can be in one for many years. But, ultimately, they leave.

In hindsight, it seems their unhealed issues only look like vulnerability, that appealing emotional side that draws you in. You may hope that one day he will sort his s*** out, and finally be able to be the man you have always hoped for. Your romantic fantasy, a wounded bird that, with enough love and care, will be the partner you can fly away with, and live happily ever after.

But with my new realisation, that we are only a reflection of who we are attracted to, I have to question; am I still lost?

My biggest breakthroughs have been to look at what's going on within me, so I can understand my external drama. I avoid blaming others as much as possible. So whether you’re a ‘lost boy’ or a f*** boy, what part of me is still lost? Why do I enjoy the power of messing you about?

Because, yes, I can look like I have life figured out: the career, the body, a fun life full of amazing friends, beautiful family. But when it comes to loving someone appropriate, am I lost because I still don’t truly love myself? And the person I am chasing can’t love me as he also doesn’t love himself?

Am I just hoping and chasing the ultimate fantasy relationship? ‘Lost Boy’ meets ‘Lost Girl’ and we find our true selves, our true love, together? Hand-in-hand fairytale lovers, yadda, yadda...

The answer only ever comes from asking the right questions, cultivating an awareness of what's going on within ourselves.

But I wonder how many ‘lost girls and boys’ are out there? How many men and women are currently in this fantasy chase? Does it ever work out????

Am I still holding on to a past, painful relationship as an excuse to not move on and trust what else is in store? Why does the fantasy feel more real than my reality? co-written by Marta Ferguson-Dun

That Lobster Love From Above