Feelings Unjumbled

This question from AuDHD our way on a post by Diversity Doodles sparked some thoughts, so I thought I'd share them in a post rather than try and squeeze it all into a comment.

They asked "what do you do when your brain tells you you are too much, but the ones you love DON'T". Especially when your brain tells you not to ask for what you need in case your loved ones think you're too much. Even though you know they don't.

So.

First you congratulate yourself on finding awesome people to love!

Second, recognise that this feeling didn't come from nowhere.

These thoughts are not real, but you learned them somewhere. Younger versions of you believed your needs were too much for good reason.

You might have been explicitly told you were too much: "don't be so sensitive", "don't be silly", "you're overreacting", "you're fine"

You might have been implicitly told you were too much, if your needs or emotions were simply ignored, or you were praised for not having needs.

Or, you might have decided you were too much for yourself. By watching how other people around you related to each other and drawing conclusions about what is and isn't acceptable.

Third, recognise how deep this belief goes.

When you're young you rely on your caregivers to stay alive, so staying acceptable to them is literally a matter of life and death.

If younger versions of you decided you had to ignore your own needs to survive, that programming will still be running now. And it will still feel like a matter of life and death to those parts of you, regardless of your actual circumstances now.

Fourth, send gratitude and compassion to those parts of you that have been working so hard for so long to keep you safe.

I love the phrase, said internally: "thank you for trying to keep me safe, I've got this". Try that next time you know you want to express a need and this fear of being too much comes up.

You can also use language that helps you separate a little bit from the part of your that's running this programming. Practice saying or thinking "part of me is scared to express this need" instead of "I'm scared to express this need"

Fifth, let your loved ones know that this is something you struggle with.

With them on board it can feel easier to start a conversation by saying "I want to ask for something, but part of me is scared that it's me being too much". Rather than having to gather your courage to dive right in to asking for something that feels unsafe.

I also want to add, for anyone reading this who may not be so sure of their loved one's reactions:

Your needs are never "too much". They are simply your needs - they are neutral. Imagine telling any person or animal in your care that you weren't going to meet their needs. It doesn't make sense, right?

It can sometimes be true that places or people we go to, to try and get our needs met, might not be able to meet them. It's easy to interpret that as "my needs are too much". But that's simply not true (see above).

If this is you, get curious about the underlying need. If you can settle into problem solving mode you can start looking for other creative ways to get that need met.

Let me know in the comments if this resonates with you - I'm sure AuDHD our way won't be the only one who feels like this!

I stand with trans people | Good Law Project We use cookies where necessary to allow us to understand how people interact with our website and content, so that we can continue to improve our service.

This is absolutely beautifully written, and so true.

I often find that even what feels like a prickly and shaming part inside me - like inner critics - actually turn out to be one of these younger hurting parts of me in disguise.

Speaking compassionately to ourselves is so powerful.

There's a version of you that never left the hallway. The one who stood outside the closed door waiting for someone to come out and say the thing that would have changed the trajectory of everything that followed. The small version. The one with the big eyes and the open hands and the belief system that hadn't been contaminated yet by the series of disappointments that would eventually teach them to stop waiting with their hands open.

That version is still there. Not metaphorically. Functionally. The child you were lives inside the adult you became like an original operating system that was never uninstalled, just covered over by updates and patches and the accumulated software of decades of learning how to perform as a person who doesn't need what they needed then.

But you do still need it. The words. The specific combination of syllables arranged in the specific order that the child was waiting for and never received. Not "you're smart." Not "you're talented." Not the performance-based affirmations that the world hands out in exchange for achievement. The other words. The ones that have nothing to do with what you do and everything to do with who you are.

"You are enough exactly as you are."

Nobody said that. Or if they said it, they said it conditionally. You were enough when your grades were good. You were enough when your behavior was manageable. You were enough when you performed the version of yourself that made their life easier. And the conditionality taught you something that became the invisible architecture of every relationship you've ever built. That your value is transactional. That your worth fluctuates based on your output. That the love available to you at any given moment is directly proportional to the usefulness you provide in that same moment.

You carried that lesson into adulthood and it metastasized. It showed up in the job where you couldn't take a sick day without guilt because sick days produce nothing and producing nothing means your value drops to zero. It showed up in the relationship where you couldn't have a bad week without compensating because bad weeks make you less pleasant and less pleasant means less lovable and less lovable means the conditional love gets revoked until the pleasantness returns.

It showed up in the mirror. Where the person looking back was never quite right. Never quite finished. Never quite worthy of the full, unconditional, no-strings version of approval that the child in the hallway was waiting for before the child learned to stop waiting and started learning to earn.

The child stopped waiting. But the waiting didn't stop. It just moved underground. Into the basement of your personality where it operates the machinery that drives every overcommitment, every inability to rest, every relationship where you give 200 percent because 100 percent doesn't feel like enough to guarantee that the person stays.

You can end the waiting. Not by going back in time. By going inward. To the hallway where the child version of you is still standing with their hand on their shirt looking up at the door wondering if today is the day someone comes out and says the thing.

You're the someone. The door is yours to open. And the thing doesn't need to be eloquent or rehearsed or delivered with cinematic timing. It just needs to be true.

Kneel down. Look them in the eyes. The small eyes that became your eyes. And say what nobody said when it would have mattered most. "You were always enough. I'm sorry nobody told you. I'm telling you now. And I'm not going anywhere."

The child doesn't need much. Just the words. And the words have been available your entire adult life. You just kept waiting for someone else to deliver them when the delivery was always your job.

Say them tonight. To the mirror. To the quiet. To the version of you that's been standing in that hallway for decades.

They've waited long enough.

In January 2023 I realised I'd been neglecting my career - my job that had started out absolutely perfect for me had drifted to something that was no longer capturing my attention.

A friend suggested the book Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans (I highly recommend it if anyone is in need of a career refresh).

One of the exercises in the book is to create three totally different 5 year plans. It included the prompt "what would you do if money was no object and no one would laugh at you?"

At the time it was five years since I'd started seriously paying attention to my mental health, and two years into a very intense period of inner work - I'd been sorting through four decades of unprocessed emotions.

A little voice had started trying to make itself heard: "maybe I could help other people going through a similar journey?".

That seemed like a wild fantasy at the time.

But it was still my obvious answer to the prompt from the book, so I created this 5 year plan (you can see from the "confidence" arrow that I wasn't really expecting this to go anywhere).

Then, literally the same day I finished creating this, an email landed in my inbox showcasing someone doing similar work. I took that as a sign from the Universe that I should reach out to them.

They recommended an online retreat happening a few weeks later - it included working with other participants to support each other. And that's when I got my first experience of working with other people on their own inner work.

I never looked back!

Now we're on Day 2 of my own Circle of Self-Attunement now (not restricted by gender and a year late vs the plan, but I can forgive myself for that given I was diagnosed autistic somewhere in the middle). I'm doing it!

I look back at this and feel SO proud of how far I've come since then.

(I'm even planning to collaborate on some materials aimed at kids this Summer and to create a web-based programme based on everything I learn from running the Circle live!)

I'm not very woowoo, but this is what manifesting means to me -
let yourself think through what a dream might look like, say "yes" to the relevant opportunities that turn up, learn from the experience, and repeat.

This is absolutely part of what unjumbling feelings means to me - making enough sense of the internal noise that you can follow the glimmers of inspiration.

And often end up with something better than you could ever have imagined.

Have you got a similar story? Or is there a tiny voice trying to make itself heard?

The Self-Attunement Circle starts tomorrow!

Five people are ready to go! I've loved putting everyone up on my wall as they sign up 😊

Three spaces left.

It's your last chance to join us if you've been thinking about it.

We'll be starting with a super gentle practice to start tuning in - the feelings equivalent of doing one push up - and building up at a pace that suits the group.

If you've been struggling to know what you're feeling, or to make the time to actually pay attention to your inner world, this is the place for you!

Link in comments 💖

I wrote this a while ago and haven't been sure about posting it. Not for fear of attracting hate or losing followers, but for fear of inadvertently "getting it wrong" and talking out of my lane.

But I'm seeing trans friends and people I deeply respect sharing that since the EHRC ruling on the Equality Act they are starting to not travel any distance that would involve needing a toilet break. And choosing not to access gyms and leisure centres because of the complications of using the facilities. All for simply existing in the way that is true to them.

I'm aware that me sharing a post like this to my comparatively small audience isn't going to have any grand impact. Yet in Pride month in 2026 as I'm getting more visible on here - with a message of learning to be true to what's inside - it feels important to be clear about what I stand for.

I've been thinking about the boxes we try to fit people into.

We've made two boxes: "man" and "woman" (and this was comparatively recently in history - I defer to the wonderful Anna Knight for the history lesson >> https://www.facebook.com/iamannaknight/posts/pfbid0vPthEa6ufLGas9zYdin7VhQBgx4E65aQt3nVWHbCyUUC1UbRLiZrkibMgTNaZjcJl )

Then we set up our society in a way that requires everybody to fit into one of these boxes. Right from the moment of creating their birth certificate. Even when there is actual biological uncertainty at that point - parents still have to choose a box.

And this isn't just about what's in our pants. We treat people differently depending on what box we put them in.

We expect different things of people depending on what box we put them in.

The spaces, jobs, education opportunities people can access are somewhat determined by which box they are in. Who people are expected to love is often determined by the box we put them in.

For many people, they are comfortable in their box, and content with the way the box has shaped their lives.

Other people (like me) are mostly comfortable in their box, but feel restricted by what that box dictates about how they move through the world.

Other people don't feel comfortable in their box at all. Some are clear that they would be more comfortable in the other box, and some of those are brave enough to do what they need to do to switch boxes. Others suffer on in a box that doesn't fit them, or worse.

Other people look at the two boxes available and neither of them feel right.

But what if we had never decided there were only two boxes available? What if we'd made a whole set of different boxes from the beginning, and everyone had a big range of boxes to choose from? What if every person was able to design their own box that's comfortable for them?

(To be clear - I mean box in the sense of having a recognised identity - not actual boxes!)

What if we reimagined society starting with the assumption that all these different boxes exist? (Because... they clearly do).

The more boxes we have, the more clear we can get on what we're talking about.

One pushback I see against the statement trans men are men, and trans women are women, is that this is somehow saying there's no difference between a trans woman and any other kind of women.

Clarity of language is important. Instead of arguing about whether trans women fit in the man or woman box, what if we allow for the existence of a trans woman box and a cis woman box.

They are all women, and they all have different experiences of womanhood. Both of these things can be true at the same time, without taking anything away from anyone's personal experience.

They all need to use toilets without drama.

Then, if spaces are sometimes required that are only accessible by cis women, they can be created with the explicit understanding that they are only accessible to cis women - and own that they aren't inclusive of all women.

Other spaces that are inclusive of trans women, can make it clear that they mean all women - and do the work to figure out how to *actually* be inclusive.

And other spaces can simply be gender neutral.

Then we can move onto to asking ourselves a much more interesting question - what changes do we need to make to ensure people inhabiting all boxes are able to feel safe moving through the world?

It's been such an honour to work with Diversity Doodles on this project!

The more this work gets out there, the more clear it is to me that everyone's inner world is so gloriously unique and individual.
That's why I'll never be showing up saying "these are the actions to take to deal with your feelings" - always only with invitations to experiment and find out what actually works for you.

Like we learned on the webinar - for some people anger feels powerful and galvanising, but they feel lost in the face of sadness. Others have gone their whole life avoiding their anger at all costs, but feel much more in control when it comes to metabolising their grief.

Different brains really are different.

And you can see that so clearly in the way Diversity Doodles beautifully and creatively describes these feelings and brings them to life. And the contrast of these amazing pictures with how I used spreadsheets, glossaries and structure to create the more logic-brained feelings grid.

I really believe that our two approaches paired together will result in a resource with potential to help so many people figure out what their body has been trying so hard to tell them all along.

We're undoing decades of being told we're too sensitive, our feelings aren't welcome, not to be silly, that there's nothing really wrong, or other people have it worse.

But we've been lied to!

Our feelings are the most powerful compass towards our own needs, wants and values. And they're freely and constantly available to us, whenever we're ready to listen.

And yes, there can be an energetic cost in taking the time to listen to our bodies - especially after decades of pushing it all away. But it turns out that's way smaller than the energetic cost of trying to keep all our feelings squashed away.

Anyone who joins the Self-Attunement Circle will be the first to see our combined resources all put together - and will likely influence the version that will be later released more widely.

There are only 6 places left - this will be a small group so everyone will get plenty of individual input from me.

Any questions feel free to drop them here!

Feelings have never been distinct. Nor easily discernable for me. Always difficult to recognize. Delayed when they are. Only intense when present. Tangled up in each other. So much so I could not pick them out in a line up.

But they aren't absent. Or missing. They are so much easier to recognize elsewhere. In others. In situations witnessed. Just somehow lost in transit when arising from the inside out.

So I've been working on a different approach. From the outside in. In a story I'd tell if I wanted to invoke that emotion. To invoke a metaphor with meaning. One that is personally relatable, not a blanket definition.

And this is where I have been collaborating with Ellen at Feelings Unjumbled, as she brings her expertise and lived experience into striving to help those who struggle in the same, or similar ways, to myself. To tease out and explore true feelings. To learn to name them, experience them, process them, and live more in tune with them.

So I lead with my go to, as an example. Dissociation. It's my go to because it moves me away from the feelings I could not name. Or don't feel able to confront. And how do I know this is the feeling? Because this is the metaphor.

And now I can name it through that image. Through that description. Not a a physical feeling. Not in within a medical model framework. But through a metaphor of my own experience that can be translated into the understood term.

And then what feelings lie beneath that dissociation? What other feelings are actually there in other situations, underpinning other experiences? Well, there are metaphorically doodles created for those too. And these are an exploration into this different way to identify those through their own metaphorical descriptions.

These doodles will fit together with a feelings grid, created by Ellen, https://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122194471112520860/?app=fblhttps://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122194471112520860/?app=fbl
as a starting point for helping people to identify those feelings. The doodles themselves are meant as examples of those states that perhaps others relate directly to, or to simply serve as a jumping off point for others to define themselves.

Ellen has created this quiz to take as a starting point for anyone who would like to begin this journey, and the feelings grid is freely downloadable.

Her upcoming course https://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122195630060520860/?app=fblhttps://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122195630060520860/?app=fbl
will explore in more detail how we can use other methods to relate our feelings to ourselves through the exploration of different avenues, including the doodles, on a journey to seek to better understand ourselves, relate our experiences to others to fund support, and move toward better emotional regulation through that understanding and connection.

Find the feelings unjumbled quiz here https://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122194471112520860/?app=fblhttps://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122194471112520860/?app=fbl

The replay for the recent feelings webinar here https://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122195503580520860/?app=fbl

And the link for more information about the upcoming course here
https://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122195630060520860/?app=fblhttps://www.facebook.com/61565625824612/posts/122195630060520860/?app=fbl

And make sure to follow feelings unjumbled for upcoming information soon!

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜