Lesser Abyssal Creature Removal LLC

We would like to thank our friends at SAVE for this friendly PSA - wherever and whatever they may be.

We would like to remind you that if any elf infestations are found in your station quarters to please stay calm and shatter your SOS Crystal as procedure dictates - in the left hand or similar extremity, gripping the netherglass shards tightly until the planar magicks have consumed your hand, so that we may maintain a piece of former flesh for insurance purposes.

Any agent, slayer, or trainee who fails to follow this protocol will forfeit their right for resurrection and/or reincarnation - in order to follow our contract, we must follow these draconian traditions precisely.

Crushing the nethercrystal with a rightward extremity will result in a denial of service and the loss of what might otherwise be a very useful apendage in combating your almost certain and incredibly painful death against a potential elf infestation.

Finally, a reminder that "elfs" and "elves" are separate sentient entities - elves live largely on the prime material plane lamenting about past wrongs, rather than subjugating the gods that betrayed them and left them a broken and inferior race.

The Elder Council would like to remind you that despite the seasonal tidings and mortal powershifts in and around the Material Plane and its relevant Pseudo Planes, no changes of rank or promotion may be given without expressed declaration and/or contract enforced and/or negotiated by the relevant Duke of Hell of your assigned residential habitation zone.

Furthermore, any offenders requesting or negotiating a promotion or pay increase of their own volition will be subsequently punished by fines, soul stasis, and/or submission of soul essence for ammunition towards The Blood War.

The only notable exception of this unyielding policy is through negotiation with a certain Five Headed Entity who shall remain nameless. Because it appears she can do whatever in the hell she wants to, timeless and Unholy Laws of Baator be damned.

As a final note, if you are stationed in the primary Material plane, you are free to submit your legal preference and vote to the mortal authorities, but we would like to remind you that your endeavors there will be short lived, and all is doomed.

Best of luck in the thankless performance of your duties, and remember - an efficient Slayer is an employed Slayer!

Apply for details. They are gruesome.

Due to new zoning laws in Pandemonium, all construction or renovation within two eon traveling distances of any of our Centers of Removal are ordered to immediately cease.

This includes lair development, palace renovation, and cavern/chasm realignment/adjustment.

No creation of any kind may be permitted to exist (or even potentially envisioned to exist) for the minimum duration of the remaining fiscal millennium.

Failure to adhere to this policy will be met with harshly. Furthermore, any administration or field staff caught recycling will be met with a minimum punishment of soul destruction, erasure from the time AND planescapes and/or punitive fines.

We appreciate your hard work and encourage you to stay focused on the immediate task at hand, and we're certain that our disciplined and capable staff will refrain from entertaining notions of the future or any sort of life progression.

Happy Hunting!
LACR Corporate Management.

A friendly hello and gentle reminder to our Slayers, Soul Administration Department, and all LACR employees abroad and at home:

We know what you're doing. Yes, you too, Steve.. Please stop and replace the Azarune Shards into their proper creature vessels in R&D. And please report to Administration for banishment into the Starless Void immediately.

As we were saying - please remain safe and productive on all shift hours. As agreed upon at hire, all LACR personnel consent to constant monitoring from our Inspectors and Observations for You (IOU) crew. These dedicated individuals who reside in our state of the art Demiplanar Mindseer are vigilantly keeping eyes and thoughts on you for your safety, and more importantly your efficiency.

Furthermore, any attempts to refuse a psionic command or suggestion issued from the Mindseer Department could be potentially harmful to your physical well being, and almost certainly lethal to your mental well being. Any LACR employee who is suspected of contacting another being or entity telepathically (voluntary or not) will be terminated immediately, and severely.

Remember, at LACR LLC we are focused on delivering swift and effective Abyssal banishment and removal services, and it starts with you. So remember.

We know what you're doing. We know what you've done. And we know (or rather, have rather strong suspicions about) what you will do next.

Our Infernal Recruiting department would like to remind all Supervisory Staff (and any Lone Hunters with a Trainers Class D license for Intern Acquisition) that ANY intern who fails to advance in any tier of IMPS (Intern Martial Preparedness School) testing is not sanctioned for any retesting of any kind, and that these bodies legally belong to IR and must be returned and subjected to Hellish Regurgitation, in hopes of creating a more worthy specimen.

Any instance of failure to transfer the individual(s) to their LoH origin (Level of Hell) in a timely manner is in direct violation of our compliance agreement.

Any Supervisory Staff or other affiliates dealing in interns who fail to comply to this strict (and quite frankly routine) agreement will forfeit both their position and Demonic Protection Agreement, and we will be (legally) unable to extend concern for or acknowledgement of your former existence.

Effective immediately: All Cursed, Debilitated, and Grievous Injury Leave has been revoked.

We're hoping that this new policy (or removal of policy) helps incentivize agents and employees to do their job more safely and efficiently.

Also Staffing has asked us to remind all employees that assignments on elemental planes (particularly the fire and water planes) are not eligible for reassignment for at least 3 planar years (roughly 43 material plane calendar years, by our best estimate) and that requests involving words such as "uninhabitable" and "intense spacial discomfort" are not valid reasons to seek reassignment, and all such requests will be shredded by The Void upon entry.

Our friendly ancient undead associates at Metro Planar Access would like us to remind you to follow all protocols and guidelines outlined in the LACR Lower Planes Codex as well as Metro Planar Access' Terms of Absolute Obedience , specifically in regard to ferry policy in Styxian waters and/or rivers.

As agreed to upon hire, all employees have waived their right to enter into a dispute involving any souls or memories that have been lost or otherwise spiritually maimed due to contact with Styxian waters.This includes any contact incurred due to disputes with MPA employees or any mishaps with Demonic Aviators.

MPA has also asked us to remind employees not to stare into the soulless, empty eyes of your ferryman as it's simply rude. We look forward to continuing an efficient and unending partnership with MPA, and would like to publicly thank them for their affordable and accommodating transportation through out the lower planes.

And remember, tip your ferryman well - it's not just kind, it's mandatory!

Human Resources asks you to remember: When faced with threats outside of your Undying or Notable Demonic Expectations and Abyssal Disturbances (UNDEAD) training, call for at least a Tier 3 Slayer or similarly qualified Supervisor Slayer. Any dismemberments, maimings, or other related injuries from a Moderate fiend or above will not be covered under LACR's restoration and resurrection policy.