28/02/2015
7 years is a long time.
To put it into perspective, National Service was 2 years. Secondary school was 4-6 years. Primary school was 6 years. University is 3-4 years. My last temporary job was 3 months. My part-time job before that? 2 weeks.
7 years is almost too long.
I still remember the first day I stepped into training, at E2Max back in Cathay Cineleisure. I distinctly remember how I went to the wrong Cineleisure (the Orchard one) because 15 year old me is blur and not very street smart. I took a cab down after realizing I went to the wrong place and I ran all the way up to the LAN shop on the 5th floor. Training was supposed to start at 6.30pm, and I glanced down at my phone clock, which said 6.31pm. I thought to myself "okay lah 1 minute, should be safe"
"You're late."
I remember walking into a round table with a bunch of older guys sitting around, looking at me as if I've just took their lunch money. I remember Eugene "qu|kZ" Tay looking down at me and uttering the first 'welcome' lines to me. I also remember trembling in my pants.
"1 minute only, can lah!"
"If you're on time, you're late. First training, I excuse you, but don't let it happen again."
If you've been in a real [Bf.Nut] training (sorry young guns, your training sessions nowadays are too tame to be 'real'), you will know exactly what I mean when I say Quikz gave me the scary eyes. His demeanor back then was scary enough, but for him to stare you down and deliver that kind of verbal gut punch, that's something else.
I knew then, that I'm in a serious, no-nonsense and professional team that's definitely going to be elite. What I didn't know, is that I was going to be in that said team for 7 years.
Every year, I ask myself the same question before every anniversary. That is, "will this be the year I leave?". Every year, the answer differed. In the beginning, it was always a resounding "no", because I felt like I still had something to prove, and I could still be a better player. I was never the best player, nor was I ever close. I mean, I had days where I felt like I can take on anybody in the team, and days where I felt like I was simply wasting my time in training. There were always the 'pro' ones like zheming, Clim3x, Christian "m4gg0t" Stingl and whatnot, and on days where I was 'on', man was I 'on'. I took games off them and felt like it was nothing, but the next training I would fall flat and suffer humiliation again. So, in my earlier years I never felt like quitting because I wanted to be better and I knew I could be better.
Then, somewhere around a few years back, reality struck. I had my A levels, followed by NS, and that was a good 2-3 years drought where I barely played, let alone had time to train. Those years, when I asked myself that same question, my resounding "no" became a "maybe", and even a "yes" sometimes. My resolve was wavering, not because I didn't love the team, but because I didn't believe in myself anymore. I thought that whatever I was chasing, be it championships, sponsorships, money, fame, or even the simple goal of becoming a better player, was an empty dream. I thought very long and very hard and I was honestly on the verge of leaving all this behind, until the opportunity came:I took up the coaching job.
Looking back, it was kind of a stupid thing to do actually. Coaching is the worst job because it's thankless, it's tough and worst of all you don't even get to play during training. I was just so eager to give back to the team that gave me so much, that I didn't even stop to think whether I was suited or not. Whether I did a good job in the end wasn't up to me to decide, but you guys, and I cannot say anything about my tenure except that I've honestly tried my best.
Miraculously, the answer to my Eternal Question became "no" again. Not because I had something to prove, or because I wanted to improve, but because I've found a new purpose. Coaching has made me realize that there's more to whatever I'm doing than simply winning, and that it is more meaningful for me to help others realize their potential and dreams than for me to achieve my personal goals.
So today, I'm still in the team. I'm not a player, I'm not a coach, and I can barely catch up on whatever games you guys are playing now, yet I am still here. I'm here not for personal glory, or personal fame, but to help the new guys and the later generations become better and achieve that dream that I came so close to achieving, but eventually falling short. I'm here to teach them what this team has taught me, be it explicitly or implicitly, the values that have made me the man I am today. I'm here to guide them and make sure they don't lose their way, not just in the game, but beyond it.
Today, I am thankful that I'm still here. The question still remains, as it will always be, but my answer will always be a resounding "no", set in stone.
7 years is a long time, but I'm glad I went through it.
Happy 11th Year Anniversary [Bf.Nut], and may we march forth onto the battlefield for years to come as brothers and comrades.
Written by Hu "birdy" Yuheng