To answer this question, it’s probably best that I share with you a defining moment, and a resulting “compelling story”, that brought me to where I am today – guiding people like you on exactly what to do to truly love yourself, embrace your own power and work and ultimately gain the relationship of your dreams and live a spiritual life that works for you and out in the world. That defining moment in my life happened in 2003.
During this time, I became absolutely obsessed with empowering women to make choices and not settle for less. Listen, we all know that anyone can get married, and if you don’t know that you are fooling yourself. The reality is that most of you believe that you can’t get married, that there is something fundamentally wrong with you that you are still single. Time and time again when I talk to my clients, as soon as I scratch under the surface, we find that well, yeah there have been men who want to be with us, but that these men just didn’t thrill us. The reason that you are here is because you want a BIG amazing, fulfilling life partnership. Not some run of the mill marriage that will fail in 5 years but an epic LOVE!
But I digress 😊 - by 2003 I had been in the same relationship over and over again. I finally had to accept that maybe, just maybe there was something that I was doing and it wasn’t that “all men can’t be trusted” or “there are no good men out there”. I made the commitment to truly look at my side of the street, to see where I was making choices and creating the experience that I was having. Life is simply feedback. If you are having horrible relationships over and over again… it’s YOU! That is the good and the bad of it, I know that it can be a hard pill to swallow, but as soon as it goes down you will see that you will get enormous freedom and POWER to now do something about it!
I had years of relationships with unavailable men where I felt I was reliving my relationship with my unavailable father. I was willing to be in relationship that allowed the other person to dictate its parameters regardless of my needs…until I wasn’t. I had an ex-boyfriend who I played the cat and mouse game with for years. I was in a cycle of being with men that simply wanted me to save them. I was messing with men that were taking up my time, space and energy. I spent my 30’s going to weddings and baby showers and crying in the bathroom thinking “Why is this not ME.” I loathed weddings, specifically the part where they ostracize single ladies and have them dive for flowers to gain the attraction of other men. No one could see me for the woman I wanted to be seen as. I was horrified that I couldn’t figure this out. I felt deep shame and abandonment that I couldn’t get this partnership thing right. I wanted someone to equitably care for me in a way that honored my true spirit. I just wanted someone to LOVE me.
At this junction, I took all of the men that I had dated and constructed this profile - they were emotionally unavailable, charismatic, they LOVED me. I was their best friend, their best pal - their go-to lady. They just didn’t want to commit to me, they just didn’t want to Marry me. I was always off balance, I always felt that our connection was tenuous, like I was one misstep away from them taking their “love” away. They wanted me in the space of doing what THEY wanted. They never SHOWED up for me and certainly never showed up to meet my family and friends. They never wanted a relationship with me and would periodically bail. I lived in a space of ambiguity - unable to commit.
IN this pattern I always felt unworthy. I thought there was some game or ploy that I had to convince them that I was THE ONE. I was never honest with my friends. I took total responsibility for these men and who they were. I was 70-pounds heavier at this time and I would convince myself that once I lost the weight THEN they would love me. And once the weight was gone, I continued to have the exact same experience. I was devastated. In sitting down and doing the work, I realized that my Father was at the root of a lot of my challenges in relationship. I made a decision when I was 5-years old that I needed to dance my way into my Father’s attention and he would love me. I learned my father loved me but he didn’t know how to show it. I was an amazing child and my Father simply couldn’t love me the way I desired.
I got more fearful about being 60 and doing the same thing over and over again and was afraid I would look back on my life and have never had what I wanted! I decided to do whatever it takes. And if that meant me relearning everything then, so it would be. I quickly learned about what I truly wanted and how to communicate my true desires. I learned how to not worry about rejection and know my own value. I learned how to be with a desirable man who is kind, that I share such a deep physical attraction and passion for.
I decided to take RADICAL responsibility. I needed to shed this deep belief that if a man really saw who I was that he wouldn’t love me. I couldn’t tell you where it came from, but I believed that if you pulled back the curtain of my life, that you would find something fundamentally wrong with me.
I remember meeting Kap, my husband, shortly after ending what I knew was my last go at fixing and healing emotionally wounded men. It was simply EASY with Kap. He was different than other men. When we were together time flew past. We spoke, we connected and I knew it - I finally had found a man that wanted the same life as me. I realized these other men before him were not in love with me and it wasn’t about me. They didn’t want commitment, they were emotional misfits. It was CONFIRMED- I didn’t need to change who I was IN ANY WAY other than to love myself more deeply.
When love and connection is RIGHT, it’s simply EASY! It doesn’t mean there aren’t fears or insecurities - instead we find ourselves working through and showing up to undo the negative patterns of past relationships.
When I thought about my son prior to his birth, I knew I had given him the best Father he could have in the world. Imagine if when you date a man, you thought about if he would be a great father to your child. What a different bar that is. I had gotten SO crystal clear for what I was looking for and I had it checked - getting super clear on what’s not working and replacing with elements of honoring your deepest desires in a partner is exactly what true partnership looks like.
Here’s the key, friends - the desire for a relationship is the way the universe gets you to do the Spiritual Growth you need to do. You wouldn’t get a bigger God, a deeper faith, or a betterment of yourself without the squeeze space of being stuck. We get these desires so that we will take the next spiritual steps! When you SHOW UP for yourself and do the work, you affirm your value, worth and desires with the universe.
I healed up my past and started teaching women how they can do the same: I watched their self-confidence and self-love increase – I watched them embrace the ease of entering a true partnership and release their worry too! I have since made a commitment to dedicate the rest of my professional life to helping other women get the relationship they’ve always wanted by calling in a fulfilling lifelong partner.
