Kim Boyd Coaching

Are you concerned about the wellbeing of your children as you and your ex transition from marital partners to business partners who are raising children together?

Do you want to put your children’s needs first, but have no idea how given everything that has transpired?

As Judith explains, you have a huge impact on how your children remember this time of divorce transition. Let’s work together to ensure you look back on your parenting decisions with pride !

Together we can identify:
Your parenting triggers and learn skills to manage your emotions
Safe and effective co-parenting actions and communication
What healthy co-parenting boundaries look like

What are your co-parenting concerns? Leave a comment below or send me an email, I’d love to hear from you.

And...I challenge you not to say anything negative about yourself, either. Let me know what you happens in your life!

There are lots of things you can’t control that act as a “stimulus” in your life, especially other people’s actions, emotions, perceptions and choices. If someone says or does something that triggers you, you have a choice of how to respond. That’s where the “space” Frankl references comes in. By using the “space” to let go of what you can’t control, and instead focus on what is in your control–your thoughts, words and actions–you directly impact what happens next. How you use the “space” will determine if the conflict escalates or subsides.

The same is true in divorce. You can’t control your spouse’s perceptions, expectations, emotions, words, or actions. You can control how you respond; let the intense emotions subside and choose your words carefully. Use the “space” to respond strategically. What’s your endgame? How can you best get there? And take the time you need to make it happen.

It's easy and natural to think of divorce as "The End," but read on for another perspective that will help you navigate this change more smoothly and with less conflict.

Embracing Change: The Divorce Journey When you think of divorce, it’s natural to think of the “end”. The end of your marriage, the end of your identity as a spouse, the end of your emotional and sexual relationship, and the end of your familial unit. “The End”. This perspective, however, is incomplete. In reality, divorce isn'...

Have you ever noticed that you spend most of your time focused on the people and things around you...the people you interact with, what they're doing, what you need to do next?

And why do you say things to yourself that you would never, ever say to your worst enemy?

What if you flipped the script? What if you spent more time focused on the inside--your thoughts and your feelings? Notice how your thoughts affect how you feel. Are your thoughts "The Truth" or just a form of self-sabotage...keeping you from being the best version of yourself? How would your life be different if you were kinder to yourself in the space between your ears?

Check out my new blog post and please pass it on if you know anyone going through, or contemplating, a divorce. It is possible to do divorce differently!

Divorce: Why It’s So Tough and Ways to Get Through It Let’s face it, divorce is hard! While any type of change can be difficult to process, divorce is actually considered the second most traumatic event in a person’s life, second only to the death of a loved one. And it makes sense, right? Divorce affects every aspect of a person’s life: immediat...

Have you ever walked into a room and felt the tension? Do you find it hard not to let another person’s bad mood rub off on you?

“Observe, don’t absorb” is a good reminder to be mindful and aware of your surroundings, without allowing yourself to become emotionally or mentally affected by them.

I know that it can be easier said than done! If I’m about to have a difficult conversation, or heading into a potentially contentious situation, I envision myself surrounded by white light, that has the power to deflect the negativity away from me. Maybe it sounds silly, but it really does help me!

How do you protect yourself from absorbing another person’s negativity, drama or chaos? I’d love to hear from you!

Really think about this! It's important! Divorce and change in general are scary and overwhelming. It's important to have a plan on hand to help you move through those moments and get to the other side.

When I find my "fight, flight, or freeze" mode kicking in, I have two go-to strategies to help me move past it.

The first is that I actively move my body. Usually I power walk around the block as many times as I need for my brain and emotions to reset.

My second strategy is to journal. Literally I do a “brain dump” of all the s**t swirling around my brain, and a “heart dump" of the emotions I'm feeling. Getting these on paper helps get them out of me!

These simple strategies help pull me out of my rabbit holes. They allow me to look at the problem from a higher perspective, more logically and creatively. All of a sudden when I only saw obstacles, I can see options and solutions. And if I'm not yet at that point, then I give it more time. From experience, I know it will come.

What will your "go to" game plan be when you find yourself heading down the rabbit hole?

Yoga?
Digging in the garden?
Listening to music and dancing?
Enjoying a cup of hot tea?
Taking a walk in nature?

Having a plan ready for when you need it will let you feel more in control.

Let me know what your plan is! I'd love to hear from you.

This is truly one of my all-time favorite quotes! It reminds me that while we can't always control what happens to us, we can control how we respond. As tough as it may be sometimes, by tapping into our strength and resilience, we'll discover just how remarkable and formidable we truly are. You can do things harder than you ever imagined!

Do you ignore it? Do you want to “get even” and respond in a similarly argumentative and contentious way? If so, what’s the result? Do you feel better in the moment for having vented, but then find that fuel has only been added to the fire? How does that affect your long-term best interest?

If you’re ever in this situation, first, take a “time out.” When emotions are in control, rational thinking evaporates! Give yourself time to let your emotions subside and the logical mind to regain control.

Then, ask yourself, “Do I really need to reply?” Look for legitimate issues, like a deadline, an appointment time, or a needed decision, that do require action. If you’re reading a lot of “you never” or “you always,” (i.e. blame and accusations), responding will only keep the conflict cycle going.

If you do feel like there is a valid reason to reply, consider using the BIFF method, advocated for by Bill Eddy, an author and the Training Director of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego.

Brief: Keep it brief, even if what you’re responding to is paragraphs, or even pages long. By keeping it short, you give the other person much less to respond, or react, to. Play a game with yourself: how short can you keep your reply and still get your message across?

Informative: Focus on straight information, not arguments, opinions, emotions or defending yourself (because you don’t need to!)

Friendly: Have a friendly greeting (such as “Thanks for responding to my request” or “I appreciate your input”); close with a friendly comment (such as “Have a good weekend”).While this is often hard to do in the heat of the moment, chances are that this will actually take the bluster out of the other person’s sails. In addition, it shows that you have self-restraint and don’t want to escalate the situation any further.

Firm: Have your response calmly end the conversation. You don’t have to be harsh, just avoid anything that opens the door to more hostile responses. If you need a response from the other person, just ask a question seeking a “Yes” or “No” answer and by a specific date and/or time. Then end on a friendly note.

You don’t have any control over the other person’s words or actions, but you ARE in control of how you respond. Pausing and answering strategically, can have a significant impact on how the conflict unfolds…AND get you closer to your long-term desired outcomes.