Parenting Academy by Tammy

How to Help a Child Who Is in a Behavioral Rut

When a child is stuck in a negative pattern of behavior for a long time, adults often give up, thinking that this behavior is who the child really is. But that can’t be the case since every child, regardless of personality and biology, is capable of being kind, responsible, and caring. Positive character traits are available to all of humanity. Nobody is excluded from the ability to get there.

If the difficult behavior is one that is not moral, such as being unkind towards others or rejecting healthy loving limits, you can be sure that the child is capable of acting differently. Logically, it doesn’t make sense to believe that being able to follow certain rules or society norms, like having basic respect towards people around you or accepting authority, are only limited to those who haven’t struggled in the past. Since the child wasn’t born thinking that they are incapable of being kind, how do we get the child back to their state of realizing how capable they really are, after being in a negative pattern for many years?

Relationship Reset

This is where I teach “The Relationship Reset Strategy.” It is a deep thorough cleanse that uproots the child’s unhelpful thinking that got the child into this mess in the first place. If a child is on the path of being hurtful towards others or of not accepting authority for a long time, chances are that the behavior of someone on that path defines who the child believes that he or she really is.

The “The Relationship Reset” is a healing conversation. This is how it works: A parent schedules a calm and quiet time outside the home to speak with the child. The goal is to come across calm, relaxed, confident, and sincere. The conversation goes as follows:

“I’ve been giving it some thought, and I realize that I have been mistakenly thinking that when you were struggling with ‘xyz’ behavior, that that behavior is who you actually are…as if there is such a thing as some children not being able to be kind or cooperative. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since children are very influenced by their parents’ thinking, it would make sense that you would believe that about yourself as a result of my mistake, and that belief would make it very hard for you to be your regular kind self.

I am so sorry and I am planning to move ahead very differently. It’s as if I put a sticky label on you that says, ‘I am a child who is unkind, disrespectful, etc.’ We will peel this label off together. As I start thinking the truths about you, which is that the real you, of course, wants to be kind and cooperative, it will be easier for you to see that as well. I might make mistakes sometimes but you will see that I will be interacting with you very differently.”

Soul Search

Then moving ahead the parent has to commit to relating to the child differently and not to interact with the misbehaviors, but to interact with the soul beneath the misbehaviors. As parents, we can feel insecure when children misbehave, thinking that perhaps this behavior indicates that this is who they are. Their misbehaviors are not them! At worst, they are their poor choices. See past the label through to the soul and that will free your child up to be their best self.

This strategy is not necessarily to be used alone. If your child needs support or services or something to help him or her acclimate better to society, of course as parents we need to be responsible and make sure that the child receives that.

If your child has been in a behavioral rut, no matter how old he or she is, never give up on resetting. Every moment is the gift of a new beginning, so interact with your child as if there is no history, giving them a chance to start fresh. Then let go of the results, and you might see amazing things happen!

Reach out to Tammy to discover how she can support you on your parenting journey.

Whatsapp: (347) 679-5466
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parentingacademybytammy.com

Positive Parenting Tammy Sassoon, M.S. ED

Dear Tammy,

I have three children – ages six, eight, and nine, and they fight with each other so often that I really wonder how normal this is. Do you have any tips or suggestions to offer me that would help them to be kinder to each other?

Signed,

Looking for Peace



Dear Looking for Peace,

Many parents describe what you are experiencing. I believe that it is human nature to be selfish and competitive. Our job is to motivate our children to rise above that and to become kind and giving people. How that can be achieved?

First, we must understand that changing a culture of a home is very exciting, and requires hard work and consistency! And hard work is something to be enthusiastic about!

So, you are describing the current culture in your home as being competitive. Children only fight when they want something they don’t have, or they are worried that they will lose something that is rightfully theirs. Your goal is going to be to change the culture of your home from one of competition to one of having a “win-win” attitude. Go right ahead and teach your children (not in the midst of the fighting, of course) that there are two ways to go through life. One is with a “win-lose” attitude, and one is with a ‘win-win’ attitude. People who think “win-lose” can’t ever be happy because they do not realize that they can be successful EVEN if other people (in this case siblings) are successful. They always feel like they never have enough, and that if another person “wins” or has, they have “lost” or do not have. That is a sure recipe for misery. People who think “win-win” can be much happier because they realize that Hashem has enough success and abundance for everyone to enjoy (tailor-made for each person). And if someone else has, it does not have to mean something is taken away from them.

Another tactic I suggest is that you teach your children about the different levels of viewing other people’s differences. Tell them that there are three levels:

Lowest: Shunning differences

Medium: Tolerating differences

Highest: Celebrating differences

When people celebrate differences, they realize that it’s exciting that every human being (including their siblings) adds value to the world and to their family, and one must rise above their natural instincts in order to recognize that.

We want our children to learn how to celebrate differences because then they are able to:

Look out for each other.

Go out of their way to make each child feel important.

Be happy for each other when they are successful

We want our children to believe that thinking “win-win” and “celebrating differences” are difficult things to do, and are only reserved for those who CHOOSE a strong, capable, and confident path. Therefore, after you teach these concepts:

Go out of your way to comment on them having a “win-win” attitude, or celebrating differences even if they are simply not fighting because they are spacing out. (For example, say, “Your brother just got a new pair of nice gloves, and you are thinking ‘win-win’ because you know that you have exactly what you need already.”

Talk often about how “Mature People” choose to have a “win-win” attitude, and understand that other people’s differences are something to be celebrated and excited about. (All children want to be considered mature and capable, and we are teaching children what types of choices strong and capable people make.)

And of course, above all, we need to always practice what we preach! So, make sure that you are living your life with a “win-win” attitude, and are celebrating the differences of people in your own life. Let your children see that you are happy for your friends, neighbors, and relatives when they succeed. Let your kids see that you embrace everyone you meet with a feeling of camaraderie, which is just what you hope your own children will emulate and embrace.

Fair Does Not Mean the Same

One of our children’s favorite tactics to strike a guilt chord in moms is to challenge, “It’s not fair!”

All our thoughts about, “Are we doing a good enough job? Will my child grow up to know that I love him as much as his brother? What kind of damage will I cause if I don’t make sure that everything is rationed out perfectly?” pop up into our heads when our children use these very powerful three words.

What Does “Fair” Mean?

As always, before deciding on our strategy, we must know the proper way to think about the matter. So, what does fair actually mean? Most people think that “fair” means the same. But “fair” really means that everybody gets what they need. The examples that we give children are: how silly would it be if Mommy were to give out Band-Aids to the whole family every time somebody got a cut? Or what about if Mommy decided to buy everyone the same size shoe? How silly… then we wouldn’t have enough Band-Aids when we actually needed them, and we would also be wearing the wrong size shoes!

We want to raise our children to know that the concept of trying to get what other people have is quite silly. As always, we don’t teach valuable life lessons during the difficult moments, so we do not teach this concept when the child is saying it’s not fair. We teach it throughout their lives in relaxed moments.

Like everything we teach our children, they need to see and know in their hearts that we believe the same things we are teaching them. Are we living lives of knowing that fair means everyone gets what they need? Do we fully understand and know that we have everything that we need? The proper way to look at this is that if I don’t have it – it means I don’t need it right now. I can pray for it, but not because my friend has it, but rather because I think it would be a good thing for me to have. So, too, when our children ask for things, we need to teach them to ask because they want it, not because their siblings have it. So instead of saying it’s not fair, he got to stay up late, we can teach them not to compare and simply ask for what they’d like and Mommy will say yes or no.

I once knew a family that let all the younger children stay up till 10:30 pm because they convinced the mother that it’s not fair for the younger children to have to go to sleep when the much older child was going to sleep at 10:30. She felt bad for the younger ones, even though she really knew that little bodies need more sleep. She mistakenly believed that the loving thing to do was to allow them to all have the same bedtime, instead of making sure they got the amount of sleep their bodies actually needed. We are not talking about a situation where the child struggled to fall asleep and the mother needed good sleep strategies. We are talking about a situation where the mother’s insecurities about making the children feel equally loved stopped her from giving the younger ones healthy bedtimes.

Give the Message – There Is Enough Love for Everyone

So how DO we convince our children that we love them all equally? Actually, we don’t need to convince them. We project the confidence that it’s so true that we never feel the need to persuade them. We can mention to our children sometimes that it’s so cool that no matter how many children a mother has, she always has enough love for all of them.

Also, let them see that we think well of their siblings and believe they can, too. Let’s not be afraid to thank or praise a child in front of siblings.

It surely takes hard work, but with effort, it is possible for our children to be satiated with their lot in life.

How to Help a Child Who Is in a Behavioral Rut

When a child is stuck in a negative pattern of behavior for a long time, adults often give up, thinking that this behavior is who the child really is. But that can’t be the case since every child, regardless of personality and biology, is capable of being kind, responsible, and caring. Positive character traits are available to all of humanity. Nobody is excluded from the ability to get there.

If the difficult behavior is one that is not moral, such as being unkind towards others or rejecting healthy loving limits, you can be sure that the child is capable of acting differently. Logically, it doesn’t make sense to believe that being able to follow certain rules or societal norms, like having basic respect towards people around you or accepting authority, is only limited to those who haven’t struggled in the past. Since the child wasn’t born thinking that they are incapable of being kind, how do we get the child back to their state of realizing how capable they really are, after being in a negative pattern for many years?

Relationship Reset

This is where I teach “The Relationship Reset Strategy.” It is a deep thorough cleanse that uproots the child’s unhelpful thinking that got the child into this mess in the first place. If a child is on the path of being hurtful towards others or of not accepting authority for a long time, chances are that the behavior of someone on that path defines who the child believes that he or she really is.

The “The Relationship Reset” is a healing conversation. This is how it works: A parent schedules a calm and quiet time outside the home to speak with the child. The goal is to come across as calm, relaxed, confident, and sincere. The conversation goes as follows:

“I’ve been giving it some thought, and I realize that I have been mistakenly thinking that when you were struggling with ‘xyz’ behavior, that that behavior is who you actually are…as if there is such a thing as some children not being able to be kind or cooperative. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since children are very influenced by their parents’ thinking, it would make sense that you would believe that about yourself as a result of your mistake, and that belief would make it very hard for you to be your regular kind self.

I am so sorry and I am planning to move ahead very differently. It’s as if I put a sticky label on you that says, ‘I am a child who is unkind, disrespectful, etc.’ We will peel this label off together. As I start thinking the truths about you, which is that the real you, of course, wants to be kind and cooperative, it will be easier for you to see that as well. I might make mistakes sometimes but you will see that I will be interacting with you very differently.”

Soul Search

Then moving ahead the parent has to commit to relating to the child differently and not to interact with the misbehaviors, but to interact with the soul beneath the misbehaviors. As parents, we can feel insecure when children misbehave, thinking that perhaps this behavior indicates that this is who they are. Their misbehaviors are not them! At worst, they are their poor choices. See past the label through to the soul and that will free your child up to be their best self.

This strategy is not necessarily to be used alone. If your child needs support or services or something to help him or her acclimate better to society, of course as parents we need to be responsible and make sure that the child receives that.

If your child has been in a behavioral rut, no matter how old he or she is, never give up on resetting. Every moment is the gift of a new beginning, so interact with your child as if there is no history, giving them a chance to start fresh. Then let go of the results, and you might see amazing things happen!

I added a video to a playlist http://youtu.be/PYKGDcM2OT4?a The Definition of Love

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Getting Your Kids to Listen by Tammy Sassoon -child
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http://www.successfulparentingformula.com/parenting-techniques/vsl9rrgfio49almrdd9ru9o2ui43ew Tammy SassoonEffectively relating to our children

Effectively relating to our children What is Love?

We all want the same things in our relationships with our children. We want
them to accept our love, to feel our warmth, to want to listen to our
instructions, and to make responsible decisions. Why is it that some
parents are able to effectively relate to their children and some are not?
The answer is that parents who are successfully able to relate to their
children are conveying the true definition of love to them.