Lynn Dutrow Author-Speaker-Coach

One of the things I see most often in high-functioning anxious humans and overdoers is this:

They confuse competence with capacity.

Just because you are capable of handling something does not automatically mean you currently have the emotional, mental, physical, or nervous system capacity to carry it well.

But many capable people stop asking:
“Do I have capacity for this?”

…and instead only ask:
“Can I do it?”

Which are two VERY different questions.

A lot of overfunctioners are deeply competent...

..and EXHAUSTED!

Those two things can absolutely coexist.

Today’s email was about the difference between competence and capacity and what happens when capable people quietly normalize chronic self-abandonment.

Not surprisingly, this conversation seems to be resonating with a lot of people lately.

If these kinds of reflections are your thing, you can join my email list through my website.

Notes for overdoers learning how to be human again 💙

A small business confession:

My email list has been… neglected. 😅

Not abandoned with bad intentions.
More like “a pile of unfolded laundry I kept meaning to get back to.”

But lately, so many of you have been reaching out to say that these posts about anxiety, over-functioning, burnout, nervous systems, parenting, and learning to stop doing every damn thing all the damn time… are helping you feel seen in a different way.

So I’m resurrecting the list.

Not to spam you.
Not to sell at you constantly.
But to create a space where I can share deeper reflections, resources, upcoming groups/workshops, and the kinds of things social media algorithms tend to bury.

If you’d like to join me there, I’d love to have you.

Especially if you’re someone who:
• looks highly capable on the outside
• secretly feels exhausted underneath
• overthinks everything
• carries too much
• struggles to rest without guilt
• keeps functioning long past your nervous system’s limits

You are my people 🤩

(link in first comment)

Some of the most capable people I know don’t fall apart because they’re weak.

They fall apart because they’ve been holding everything together for too long.

Their high-functioning anxiety (what I often refer to as Over-Functioning or Over-Doing) tends to hide in…

• competence
• caretaking
• productivity
• anticipation
• being “the reliable one”

And honestly? They’re usually *really* good at all of it.

The challenge comes when the nervous system eventually asks for the bill 😝

What’s interesting is that many people mistake the crash for the problem.

It’s not.

The crash is the signal that the pace has become unsustainable.

That’s the work.

Learning how to stop managing life through sheer force, functionality, hyper-vigilance, and exhaustion.

The group I’m running this summer is for the people who are tired of white-knuckling their way through life while looking “fine” from the outside.

I’m curious…

What’s one thing you’ve realized you do out of anxiety rather than alignment?

“How much of your life is being driven by old protective patterns you no longer need?”

Sometimes anxiety isn’t loud or panicky...

Sometimes it’s:

* rereading the text 4 times
* mentally rehearsing a conversation in the shower
* needing everyone else to be okay before you can relax
* researching for 2 hours before making a 7 minute decision
* feeling “lazy” while your nervous system is actually exhausted

A lot of high-functioning anxiety gets praised because it looks productive from the outside.

Until the person carrying it realizes they haven’t actually rested in… awhile.

And no, “just relax” has never once been useful advice from someone whose nervous system thinks vigilance is a personality trait. 😅

-Image of me pretending to be tired and wired by Julie Lutz Hipkins of Originations Photography

The "idea" is no longer “just an idea.” 🤩

The details for a small July group are officially starting to come together.

Think:
✔ practical tools
✔ real conversations
✔ conscious connections

For:
✔ humans who are praised for “handling everything” while silently sinking in the "stresspool"
✔ people whose coping strategy is competence
✔ humans who are tired of pretending they’re “fine”

I’m currently planning:

Fridays in July
9:30–11:00 AM
Small group setting

Still building it thoughtfully…

If you want to hear more as it develops, let me know below or send me a message.

It had been a year… and there my daughter and I were again—standing around with friends, neighbors, and a few strangers, mentally preparing for the task ahead while nibbling muffins and donuts next to a very optimistic coffee urn.

It was the first of two days for the annual alpaca shearing at our neighbor’s farm The Artsy Farmer

Once assembled, we split into teams and got a quick orientation. I was assigned the same role as last year, so it came back quickly. The playlist was cued, cranked up… and we were off and running (sometimes literally, depending on the alpaca’s opinion of the situation).

If you’ve never experienced an alpaca shearing day, it’s a bit of a wild ride.

It starts a little bumpy as people figure out their roles, but by mid-morning we had found our groove and were running like a well-oiled machine. Over the course of about nine hours, our two teams supported the shearer and his head assistant in shearing 105 alpacas.

We busted ass.

Some alpacas went along with the plan… others made their objections very clear to everyone within a half-mile radius and required a bit more… persuasion...to participate.

My job was to grab the secondary fleece from the neck and then sweep up the leftovers to reset for the next alpaca. I was on my feet most of the day—which is not my norm.

That was kind of the point.

Anxiety does its damnedest to convince us to stay in what’s comfortable and predictable.

Every once in a while, I like to remind it (and myself)… I can do hard and uncomfortable things.

At one point, I noticed myself getting irritable.

Not because anything was going wrong—but because one of my teammates kept doing things I was already handling.

And here’s the uncomfortable part…

I wasn’t just noticing over-functioning.

I was in it.

(Which, if you know me… is not exactly shocking. 🙃)

Once I caught it, I dialed myself back. And when I did, something interesting happened...

I stopped being frustrated… and started being fascinated.

Because that same dynamic was playing out all around me.

The over-functioners jumped in and handled things before they needed to be handled… which created the perfect conditions for someone else to hang back a little longer.

Not because they couldn’t do it.

Because there was no space left to step in.

At one point, the “boss” stepped in and told a few people to stay in their lane.

And when they did?

The people who had been hanging back stepped up.

Same team. Same people. Different dynamic.

Over-functioning looks like helping… but it often lands like control.

And if I’m being honest… this doesn’t just happen on alpaca farms.

It shows up in classrooms.
In workplaces.
In friendships.
And all the time in parenting.

We jump in to make things easier, smoother, faster…

And unintentionally remove the exact space someone else needs to figure it out.

It made me wonder 🤔

How often do we call it “helping”…

..when it’s really just our discomfort with letting someone else struggle?

Something I’m still practicing… even when every part of me wants to jump in 🤪

Most anxiety advice is built around this idea: "Let’s make the feeling go away."

Which sounds great…until it doesn’t work.

Because now you don’t just have anxiety—you have failure layered on top of it.

This is why elimination and coping strategies backfire (yep, I said it).

What if the goal isn’t less anxiety…

What if it is a different relationship with it?

Every once in a while I get a message that says something like:

“I read your book and felt personally called out… in a good way.”

😄

Which is honestly the goal.

Not to make you feel bad…

…to help you notice the stuff your brain is doing that *feels* helpful and is actually keeping you stuck.

If you’ve been curious about it, I’ve got:
📘 signed copies
📘 and signed book + workbook bundles

I’ll personalize it… or keep it simple.

Links are in the comments.

You know what’s wild?

How quickly we go from:
“This is hard…”

to:
“This is a problem.”

Those are not the same thing.

Hard = uncomfortable, inconvenient, not what you’d choose
Problem = something is wrong, needs fixing, shouldn’t be happening

And the second you label it a problem?

You start trying to get rid of it.

Which usually makes it bigger.

Not everything uncomfortable is a problem.

Some things are just… part of being a human with a functioning nervous system.

What’s something in your life right now that’s hard—but not actually a problem?

*Photo Credit Julie Lutz Hipkins Originations Photography