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You asked, and Dvoiri answered!

Question:

I'm wondering if we can talk about the function of boundaries in a mashpiah mekabel relationship next week?

Answer:

Boundaries are such a broad topic. If I can rephrase it a little bit here to fit the common questions I hear about boundaries it would be, “If the husband is the mashpia, when do I get to make my own choices?” And, “How do I respond if he crosses a boundary such as speaking to me not nicely?”

There is a fundamental misunderstanding of being a mekabel that is very common. Many women confuse the idea of being ‘mekabel’ with ‘being passive’, or ‘not really having an independent sense of self’.

However, being mekabel is not a passive role, or a loss of self. In fact, in order to be mekabel I need to have a strong ‘keili’, inner dimension and sense of self in order to receive. Think of a cup that can only receive water if the walls of the cup are secure.

At the same time, while boundaries are an important part of connecting safely in a relationship, they can sometimes become barriers that serve to distance instead of connect. The word “boundaries” may imply having to protect yourself from someone who might not be mindful or considerate of you in some way, and the need to show that person what he can or can’t do.

We suggest using the term ‘honoring yourself’ as a gentler way of phrasing how we see boundaries. The difference is subtle, yet important. Honoring yourself is about trusting that the other person respects and cares about you, AND being mindful of how you feel and what works and doesn’t work for you.

For example, let’s say I don’t like the way my husband has spoken to me- making a boundary might look like letting him know that it is not OK to speak with me that way. Honoring myself includes trusting that he cares about me. (Using the principles of ‘trust the connection’, ‘essential value’, and ‘receiving’ among others.) That might look like sharing, ‘I know you care about me, AND that really hurts’. It’s honoring to myself in that I’m aware of how I feel and how I want to be treated, but it also recognizes that I know he’s not out to hurt me, and I don’t need to be on guard. Rather I can trust him, AND honor myself within this relationship.

*Mashpia - mekabel*

The essence of femininity is receptivity. The authentic receptivity of the feminine, naturally draws out the desire of the man to be the mashpia. The more a woman respects her husband - which means making space for who he is as a person, with the right to his own perspective, thoughts and feelings, and the more she values him, the more it will draw out his desire to truly make his wife happy and provide for her. This is a G-d given dynamic.

Like we said before, in order to receive, we need to have dimensions. Envision yourself standing in a space of 6 ft circumference around you. Halachically, this is your ‘daled amos’, or your personal domain. Your domain includes your thought, speech and actions, as well as the decisions you make about your personhood - what you eat, wear, your relationship with Hashem, etc. Your husband also has his domain - his thought, speech and action as well as the decisions he makes about his personal affairs - what he eats, what he wears, his avodas Hashem etc.

Making choices for yourself is within your domain. If your husband has an opinion about what you should or shouldn’t be doing, you can respect where he’s coming from, but that doesn’t mean that you need to agree or follow what he says. Being a mekabel means that you receive HIM- his LCI- love, care or intention. But ultimately your choices are yours to own. The good news is, that the more you appreciate and receive his LCI, love care and intention, the more you will discover that he is happy to support your choices.

If you are struggling to honor yourself within your relationship, or feel that it is difficult to make decisions for yourself because of his objections or opinions, please reach out, we are here to support you.

~
Dvoiri is available to coach in four different languages! Including: Portuguese, English, Spanish and Hebrew.

To contact Dvoiri for coaching: +1 (310) 613-1069

We've enjoyed receiving the many beautiful wins women have sent in over the last few days! The following win was sent in by a Relationshift community member. Her application of the Mashpia and Mekabel principle and what it opened up for her in her marriage is inspiring.

"The Mashpia-Mekabel Dynamic principle within Relationshift has totally changed my perspective. It taught me to examine my paradigm. The way I see things is through the feminine paradigm, and the masculine paradigm is different, but equally valid and valuable. I learned to take even the smallest step by shifting my internal energy and judgements about a situation. It has totally changed me and my marriage! While in the past I may have stepped in to correct my husband about how he's speaking with the children, or approaching a situation at work because I saw a different perspective, I learned to find value in his way of approaching things and relax into receiving mode. It has brought me so much more calm and gratification."

Have you successfully applied something you learned from Relationshift? Share your wins with us so we can celebrate you and inspire others at the same time!

You can share your victories by messaging 347-699-2133, or share them anonymously through the link in today's stories.
All wins will be posted anonymously.

Looking forward to continuing to grow and learn together!

Share Your Wins!

Have you successfully applied something you learned from Relationshift? Share your wins with us so we can celebrate you and inspire others at the same time!

You can share your victories by messaging 347-699-2133, or share them anonymously through this link in today's stories.
All wins will be posted anonymously.

Looking forward to continuing to grow and learn together!

Read Dina's story of trusting the connection and what it opened up for her and her relationship.

What can trusting the connection open up for you and your relationship?

Overcome challenges with coaching that fosters unity, connection, and mutual respect.

How would you like your relationship to shift?

You asked, and Becky answered! Here is another one of Becky's answers to your questions.

*Question:*

Is it really so “bad” to share what is bothering me with my husband? I understand that doing all of this inner work and choosing not to share how my husband hurt me may be putting my relationship first, but I don't feel like I am honoring myself enough when I don't share what I'm truly feeling. Why can’t we be open and share with each other in a respectful way?

Is Relationshift all about getting coaching so you speak out everything with a coach instead of your husband? That doesn't feel so sustainable or right to me.

*Answer:*

I hear you deeply want to connect with your husband, and holding back your experience from him feels inauthentic. That is such a relatable and valid desire!

Relationshift is not about shutting down our experience and withholding sharing our hurts with our husbands, without addressing them. This is a recipe for resentment and future outbursts, when we can’t hold it in any longer. However, thoughtlessly sharing hurts can also create heaviness in our relationship and undermine the environment of trust and connection that we are looking to create. So, if we don’t encourage imprudent or constant sharing of hurts but we also don’t want to dismiss our hurt, what’s left? Perhaps there’s a “third way” ;).
.
Relationshift provides a much deeper and more empowering approach to relating to our husbands and dealing with challenges than simply “not saying anything” or “just focus on the positive”. We don’t believe in simply shutting our mouths and stopping ourselves from saying things as if that’s all there is to do – where’s the inner work there? In Relationshift, it is not about what you say or don’t say, it is about the energy inside of you. You could say all the right things and not say what you’re thinking - but if your thoughts and perspectives haven’t shifted, all that negativity is being conveyed just the same. A Relationshift coach can help you work through what’s bothering you and help you identify and shift your judgments, thoughts, and perspectives so that you see the situation differently. Rather than feel like you are holding yourself back from sharing what is bothering you, you may discover that it does not bother you anymore because your perspective on it has changed completely! You may find that once you bring yourself back to the space of connection, the hurt melts away. Or, there may still be something left for you that you’d like to share, but you would be communicating from a clear and connected place instead of a critical and disconnected place with all the fallout that that brings. The key here is that when we do choose to share a hurt, it is in the context of connection.

It is always your choice whether to share something or not. In my experience, it has been humbling to recognize that often my initial hurt and fear are not true reflections of reality. Instead, I could tap into the deeper truth of the moment and trust my husband’s care for me. This has been the true vulnerability that brought us closer!

Choosing to bring what is bothering you to coaching is a powerful ownership of your experience and incredibly empowering. It is not about having a place to go with hurts _instead_ of your husband - it is about learning how to be in a relationship and communicate _with_ your husband! Rather than becoming reliant on coaching, it is meant to empower you with perspectives and tools for you to apply to your relationship so that ultimately you will be able to on your own.

Becky Miller, MMFT
Certified Relationshift Coach
+1 (845) 641-7806

Episode 8 of the "Your Relationshift" Podcast is here!

In this episode of the "Your Relationshift" podcast, co-hosts Hindi Kalmenson and Chayale Tzukernik continue to dive into the powerful principle of "Trust the Connection" within relationships, offering practical techniques to strengthen your marriage through trust, intention, and receptivity. This principle is not just about blindly trusting, but rather about building a foundation of connection that emerges from essential worth, ownership, and honesty.

They discuss common relationship dynamics, such as defensiveness in communication, and demonstrate how recognizing the "Love, Care, and Intention" (LCI) behind a spouse's actions can shift interactions from disconnection to deeper understanding and closeness. Embracing the LCI technique can transform seemingly critical moments into opportunities for growth and connection.

Women can cultivate their inner strength by using their natural feminine qualities of intuition and discipline to receive love and care in healthy, constructive ways. By choosing the "hard" work of connection over the harder experience of disconnection, women stand to gain greater intimacy and harmony in their relationships.