Lend Ear and Learn Wisdom, for Paxton Foster-Kramer is king

Tanner Young contemplating his last place finish for 2025 and the choices that led him there.

Dear algorithm, we like fantasy sports, especially fantasy football.

Winner and new champ for 2025! Paxton Foster-Kramer

New year, new champ. Congratulations to Paxton Foster-Kramer on winning it all after just his second season in southwest Portland's most elite fantasy football league. Bill Kennedy takes second and James Nias rounds out the top three.

After the consolation bracket was said and done, Tanner Young finishes dead last.

See you all next year!

Sung to the tune of Bad Company’s Rock n’ Roll Fantasy

It’s time for draft night, I’ve got pick three,
been working all year on my fantasy football -- strategy.
Need a QB, who’s this C.J. Stroud?
Nevermind that joker, Sam Darnold’s gonna make me proud!

Looking at the kickers, it’s round three,
think I’ll draft two, in case one blows his knee.
The draft is almost over, I don’t have a running back,
My tight end got a DUI, my QB won’t report to camp.

It’s all part, of why I suck at fantasy,
It’s all part, of why I’m outscored dramatically,
It’s all part, of why I suck at fantasy,
It’s all part, of why I’m oh-and-thirteen.

Halfway through the season and I’m oh-and-six,
Gotta hit the waiver wire, gotta get this fixed.
Picked up a wide receiver, who’s he matched against?
Looks like a shutdown corner–on the league’s best defense.

It’s all part, of why I suck at fantasy,
It’s all part, of why I’m outscored dra-ma-tically,
My name is Ed Kuehnel, and I suck really bad at fantasy,
I should have auto-drafted, that would have been a better choice for me.

I suuuuuu-UUUUUUU-uuuuuck at faaaaaantasyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Sung to the tune of Earth, Wind and Fire's "Fantasy"

Every fan... has a place
In his heart... it’s a race
And the league... can’t erase... this fantasy
So don’t hide... its only goodbye”
On this week’s ....fantasize
All your dreams ...won’t come true ...cause your baaad!
And we,... will suck... together
Until... the season... is over
Our choices will ring... forever ...as lostttt!
Every thought is a trade
Rushing by ...goes my team
Bringing loss to the kingdom of (Add losing Team name)
Take the last ride... its only... good-bye
You were s**t in Fan...tasy
All your dreams.. won’t come true, cause your baaad!
The voices all laugh together
Until ...Monday ...night ...is over
You will... live losses... forever
.. as done!!!
I wont see... victory
In Ed’s ..Football.. Fantasy
Hating Life, at full degree
Can’t get my mind ...to long lasting liberty

I’m Done!!!!
Come to see, no victory
In Ed’s... Football Fantasy
Hating life...for all to see
To behold, lost my soul ...in Fantasy
You will find ( you will find)
The league’s not kind
Get-ting... trades to you
Many backs... brought no points for you
Recognize...it’s a flag... a play... that needs review
And as you stay ...for the play
Fantasy... has ..no score for you
The phone screen...never...sees you through
It’s not your day, s**tty day
All your team sucked for you
Oh-oh-oh- ahhh!
As I glide...down the slide
With my teams ...that suck today
Give a smile from my lips and say
I am s**t, yes I’m s**t... now I’m on my way
Come to see, no victory
In Ed’s... football Fantasy
Hating life... for you to see
To behold, lost my soul... in Fantasy
You will find ..The league’s not kind
No trades were brought to you

Recognize, it’s a flag, now its in review..

“Fantasy” Original score and lyrics by Earth Wind and Fire
New Lyrics created by Bill Kennedy copyright 2025

From left to right: Bill Kennedy, Greg White (seated), Tanner Young, Keithen Foster-Kramer, Ed Kuehnel/Commissioner (seated), Michael Kuehnel, Paxton Foster-Kramer, Jason Drucker (seated), James Nias, Todd Graham, co-owners Sean Kramer (seated) & Gayle Foster (seated). Not pictured: Seth Litwin, Andrea Kuehnel (co-owner with Ed Kuehnel).