The Bossy Coach

When you’re on the outside looking in and you want to protect people you care about, it’s tempting to suggest they not pursue things that probably won’t work out.



But advice like this ignores the fact that people learn and grow through their own lived experience, not by being told what you have learned through your lived experience.



It asks them to ignore their own instincts about which path will lead them to their highest good, and to instead follow your intellectual sense of what’s best for them.



It devalues all endeavors from the start just because they may not end where the person on that journey thinks it will.



It assumes that if emotional pain might result, the journey is not worth taking.



But the journeys they feel called to take ARE for their highest good, no matter how they end up.



I feel this in my bones today.



Dating people we’re not sure we’ll ever marry is not a waste of time.



Marrying someone you may not end up being with forever is not a mistake.



New jobs or careers do not have to last to be worth undertaking.



Your entrepreneurial venture doesn’t have to thrive to be a success.



If you’re giving advice like this, consider choosing to love your people while letting them find their own way instead.



If you’re on the receiving end of advice like this, appreciate their good intentions but also listen to yourself above all others.



And if you’re on a journey that you’re realizing now is not going to end the way you’d originally hoped, stop and appreciate everything you’ve gained by being willing to go after that ending.



Because “working out” isn’t actually about the ending at all.



It’s about all the things you come to understand and become while pursuing a particular ending.

I’ve been people pleasing my gardeners for years.

Every year they hacked plants back unexpectedly and haphazardly.

I had no real way to get hold of them in between appointments.

There was a total communication barrier.

It was absurd and I knew it, but it still took me 4 years to let them go and hire a replacement.

I down-played the impact of the things they did that I didn’t like.

I prioritized how they would be impacted and their good intentions over my own preferences and needs.

I hoped against all hope that the truly wacky things that happened would not ever happen again.

I let the smallest barriers becomes reasons to avoid replacing them for another year.

But really, it was just a no.

And so last week we used Google translate to write out what we wanted to say, and then my poor husband did the dirty work and told them it was their last day.

As is so often the case, they didn’t even seem to get upset or put up a fight.

And I was SO relieved.

FOUR YEARS.

The desire not to offend, upset, or hurt people who are well-intended but also not doing what you need them to do is a powerful one.

We make the risks of being honest seem so big and the rewards seem so small.

Until one day something happens that makes it SO abundantly clear this really cannot go on any longer.

We come clean and share our truth.

And we discover that most of what we feared might happen does not happen at all.

They’re grown-ups.

They handle their disappointment and move on.

And we’re finally free to honor what we truly want.

**

Every time I go through it, I learn the lesson deeper.

Breaking the news to people that I want something different is never as bad as I fear it will be, and once it’s over I always feel relieved and freer.

Often, my relationships even get stronger afterwards.

And each time I do it, it makes the next time easier.

I’m sharing this is case, just like me, you’ve been tolerating something that you really don’t want in your life for a long time.

Perhaps it’s time to come clean about what you really want and make the necessary changes.

❓Should I ask for a raise, and if so, how should I go about it?

❓Should I break it off with this guy after only one date or see if things get better?

❓Should I cancel this meeting semi-last minute or keep the commitment I made even though the circumstances have changed?

❓Is it time to retire yet?

❓Should I say no when my sister asks me for a big favor last minute even when I don’t have major plans?

❓Should I find a new job or try and make this one work?

❓Should I end this relationship or learn to be happier in it?

❓Do I want to use my savings to pay down this debt or keep the cash on hand?

❓Should I take this promotion even though I love the job I’m doing now?

I help my clients make decisions like these all the time.

Not by telling them what I think they should do, but by helping them understand what their options are and why they’re feeling torn about what to do.

Once they understand those things, they always know which one they prefer.

And the more times they work through decisions with my help, the more capable they become at handling the next one on their own.

They become skilled decisionmakers.

They gain confidence in their own ability to figure out what’s best for them.

And they learn to have their own back instead of second-guessing the decisions they make.

Few things create more confidence and peace-of-mind than learning how to be a decision ninja.

If you’re tired of feeling uncertain and overwhelmed by the choices in your life, both big and small, I can help.

Emotions are a huge part of your human experience.

The negative ones just as much as the positive.

Disappointment.

Fear.

Heartache.

Grief.

Anger.

Frustration.

Jelousy.

Guilt.

These are not problems to be solved.

They are not signs of weakness or bad character.

They do not indicate your life is going in the wrong direction.

To the contrary – your negative emotions are the most powerful tool you have to get to know yourself more deeply.

When you become willing to feel them and stop judging yourself for feeling them, you become POWERFUL.

You stop making hasty decisions to try and get away from these emotions.

You stop asking everyone around you what you should do.

You become able to get to the bottom of what’s upsetting you and resolve it, so it doesn’t come up again and again and again.

And you become so much braver because you know there’s nothing you’re unwilling to feel and get through.

Most of my clients don’t even know they’re resisting emotions and judging themselves for how they feel until I point it out.

But once they learn to see it, everything changes.

Are you curious whether you have a healthy relationship with your feels?

Do you have a hunch you might be spending a lot of effort trying to get rid of your negative emotions.

If so, let’s set up some time to talk about how breaking that habit can improve your decisions-making and actually make you feel a whole lot better.

I was looking at my calendar over the next two days and adding things that I ‘need’ to get done.

As I added them, they all felt necessary and time-sensitive.


But I had to start scheduling them for Saturday and Sunday because there wasn’t time to fit them all in before then.


And as I added these blocks of time to my calendar, I could tell this wasn’t a schedule I was likely to honor.


I realized I have assigned more for me to do than will feel good to me to do.


The last few weekends have been full, and I need a lot of space in my calendar this weekend if I really want to head into next week recharged.

So rather than pretending I’m going to get it all done, and then dropping things as they come up over the weekend, I’m going to make intentional cuts today.


This is how I ensure the most important stuff gets done AND that I take care of my needs.


This is how I make sure I’m at my best for all the work I will be doing next week.

And this is also how I suggest you start thinking about your calendar:

1. If it’s rattling around in your mind as a to-do, estimate how long it will take and then block out that time on your calendar.

2. Ask all these questions to help you figure out what can be delayed or deleted altogether until your calendar looks like it will feel decent to live.

⏰ What would happen if this didn’t get done at all?


⏰ Does it REALLY need to get done before Monday?

⏰ Why? What will happen if it doesn’t?


⏰ If I look at my schedule next week, is there time to do some of this then?

⏰ Does it really need to take as much time as I’ve estimated it will?


⏰ Can I save some mindless tasks for the weekend, and do the tougher stuff before then so my weekend doesn’t feel challenging?


⏰ How many times have I moved this to-do item?


⏰ Is it time to delete it altogether? Perhaps it’s just not that big a priority….

And if you ever want help learning how to schedule more honestly and compassionately, my coaching can help.

I am obsessed with this article about SpaceX’s latest rocket launch.

In it, the author describes SpaceX’s ‘explode-as-you-learn’ approach to developing barrier-breaking spaceships.

I was two paragraphs in and thought, “YEEEEEESSSSS. This is what my people need to hear!”

So many of you refuse to ‘launch your rockets’ until you’re sure they won’t explode….er…experience a rapidly unscheduled disassembly.

You don’t want to try anything new.

You don’t want to take big risks.

You are terrified of mistakes.

But there is no guarantee in life that your metaphorical rocket won’t explode, and so this means you are living much smaller than you could be.

“What if I’m not happier at the new job?”

So what?! You’ll learn things if you go for it.

“What if I don’t meet anyone I like through Bumble?”

So what?! You FOR SURE won’t meet anyone you like if you don’t sign up.

“What if I go out on my own and don’t make enough money?”

So what!? You can always go back to doing what you do now.

What would you be willing to try if you were okay with the explode-as-you-learn-approach?

What successes might you get to experience if you were willing to fail your way to them?

My wish for all of you is that you start living your life a little more like SpaceX.

And if you want help doing that, hit me up and let’s talk about coaching together.

Starship Exploded, but SpaceX Had Reason to Pop Champagne Anyway The four-minute flight ended in what the company called a “rapid unscheduled disassembly” — meaning it blew up. But there was much to learn from the flight, the latest step in SpaceX’s explode-as-you-learn approach.

Today is the last day to register for ‘How to Prevent Burnout’, my free online training happening tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. PT.

Creating time in your schedule for this training is the first step to changing your relationship with your work.

It’s an opportunity to prioritize your mental health even as your mind is telling you that you don’t have time.

Because one of the very reasons you’re burning out is that you believe your brain when it tells you that you don’t have enough time.

You skip out on breaks, short walks, and exercise that would restore you…

You chip into your sleeping hours to do more work…

You pack more and more into your days in a desperate attempt to catch up…

You beat yourself up for not getting enough done…

And you never take time to stop and acknowledge what a freakin’ rockstar you actually are…

Or celebrate just how much you are doing.

It’s time to get off the hamster wheel and take charge of your experience at work.

It does NOT have to be like this.

At my training tomorrow we’re going to discuss:

✨ How you are unknowingly creating overwhelm, anxiety, shame, and powerlessness for yourself.

✨ The number one way you can turn things around FAST.

✨ And how to begin your recovery if you’re already in burnout but don’t have time to stop.

You’ll have an opportunity to get coached live on your specific situation.

You’ll also get the recording so you can rewatch it and squeeze out every last drop of value.

And if you attend live, which I HIGHLY recommend you do, you’ll get two bonuses:

🎁 A list of my very favorite books on time-management, burnout, and personal development.

🎁 My habit tracker with instructions to help you beat back perfectionism and build habits that last.

I am beyond excited to share ‘How to Prevent Burnout’ with you.

I’ve been thinking about it for months.

Refining.

Simplifying.

Making sure that every precious minute you spend away from your work will be worth your time.

Ensuring that you’ll never think about your job the same way again, and that you start to see the opportunities you’ve been missing to make it feel more manageable…and even fun.

So get excited because you’re about to feel a whole lot better.

REGISTER HERE --> https://thebossycoach.hopp.to/zoom

“I could really use a drink.”

Do you ever say this to yourself or others around you?

Do you know that you’re telling your brain that you’re not equipped to handle your day?

“I need a drink” creates overwhelm and pressure because it tells your brain that the current demands on your time and energy exceed your capacity.

It puts the drink in charge of you feeling better and leaves you counting down the minutes until you can have one.

What you really need a break from is your mind.

Drinking actually does that pretty effectively in the short-term.

It shuts off the chatter so you can relax a bit….

At least until you get back to work tomorrow.

There’s nothing wrong with having a drink, but it’s also really important to understand why the drink feels so helpful in the first place.

So you can decide if you want to stop creating the NEED for a drink and just drink on occasions when that’s what you really WANT.

This is exactly what we’re going to talk about at my free training this Friday at 10 a.m. PT.

In ‘How to Prevent Burnout’ you’ll learn:

✨ How you are unknowingly creating overwhelm and pressure for yourself that you then need to escape from.

✨ How to feel exhilarated and confident on your most challenging days.

✨ How to begin your burnout recovery even if a long break isn’t in the cards for you.

You’ll have an opportunity to be coached live on your specific situation.

You’ll also get access to the recording so you can rewatch it and squeeze out every last drop of value.

And if you attend live, which I HIGHLY recommend you do, you’ll get two bonuses:

🎁 A list of my very favorite books on time-management, burnout, and personal development.

🎁 My habit tracker with instructions to help you beat back perfectionism and build habits that last.

REGISTER NOW --> https://thebossycoach.hopp.to/zoom

Add it to your calendar.

Tell everyone you have a can’t-miss meeting.

Encourage a friend or colleague to register so you can support each other as you apply what you learn.

And GET EXCITED because you’re about to feel a whole lot better.

Burnout is a real, physical experience.

Your energy is completely depleted and the smallest things push you over the edge.

You snap at people you care about, you feel overwhelmed by every new obstacle, and normal amounts of rest no longer restore you.

Whether you’re already burned out or just on your way, you WILL need lots of rest at some point.

But burnout doesn’t happen because our jobs are too hard in some objective, measurable way.

It happens because we make our jobs SO much harder than they need to be without even recognizing we’re doing it.

And because we refuse to let ourselves rest the way we need to in more demanding jobs.

If you recognize that you’re headed towards burnout, relief is on the way.

I am hosting a free online training this Friday, April 21st at 10 a.m. PT. In it you’ll learn:

👉 How you are unknowingly creating overwhelm and disempowering yourself at work.

👉 How to triage burnout if you’re already there but don't have time to rest yet.

👉 The single most powerful thing you can do to make yourself feel better instantly.

I know how precious your time is and I promise this webinar is worth it.

It will be jam-packed with insights into how you got so ridiculously tired, and strategies you can put into action right away to start turning things around.

Register here --> https://thebossycoach.hopp.to/zoom

Tag a friend or colleague you think might also benefit from it.

I look forward to seeing you there!

Do you feel like you’re too busy to attend this training?

I have great news!!

There is no such thing as too busy.

Everyone has 24 hours in their days, 7 days in their weeks, and 365 days in their years.

Everyone has more that they want to do than they can do in the time they have.

“Too busy” actually means is that you’re refusing to prioritize and make choices about what you won’t do.

You are scheduling as many of your minutes as possible to try and keep from having to make tough choices.

“Too busy” means you are prioritizing everything instead of acknowledging that you cannot do it all, and admitting that you will not do it all.

But when you refuse to choose what you won’t do on purpose, you often end up running out of time for what matters most….

Like this training.

Spending this 1 hour on your Friday with me will save you countless hours in the future.

Hours you would have spent going slower than you’re capable of, feeling worse than you need to.

Hours you will otherwise spend making your work feel harder than it actually is.

Hours you could be spending on other things you care about.

What I have to teach you is simple, but it’s also crazy powerful.

It will help you see everything you’re doing through different eyes.

You will leave feeling empowered, with tools you can use right away to change how you feel about work and be more effective at it.

So make you mental health a priority this Friday and join me for my free virtual training ‘How to Prevent Burnout’.

I will teach you:

👉 How you are unknowingly adding to your overwhelm and making yourself feel trapped at work.

👉 How to triage burnout if you’re already there but don't have time to rest.

👉 The single most powerful thing you can do to make yourself feel better instantly.

Register here --> https://thebossycoach.hopp.to/zoom