The Trauma Coach

Maturity isn't measured by age -- it's measured by self-awareness, empathy, and accountability.

Proverbs 25:28 says that anyone without self-control, who does whatever their feelings lead, is like a city that is broken down without walls.

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When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 1 Corinthians 13:11

What do you do when you are dealing with someone who is emotionally immature?

🌀Recognize their patterns
🌀Forgive them (for you) and set boundaries
🌀Accept that they are who they are and you can't fix them
🌀Limit their access to you & how much you share with them
🌀Stop enabling them & making excuses for them
🌀Allow them to experience the natural consequences of their actions
🌀Encourage them to get help (although they probably won't listen)
🌀Pray for them
🌀Have hard conversations & then leave them in God's hands

You can forgive someone and not reconcile with them at all or right away.

A wise person waits to see if the apology has actions that follow the words.

Repentance should create a new pattern of better or different behavior from that apology.

Trust is earned little by little over time and reconciling with someone requires trust to be rebuilt -- or at least be working towards restoration.

Toxic relationships are full of blame, deflection, lack of accountability, emotional invalidation, confusion, chaos, neglect, manipulation, gaslighting, poor communication, manipulation, and a hot/cold dynamic.

Issues don't get discussed at all or if they are discussed they are not resolved.

A lack of trust and emotional safety is a by-product of these "relationships" -- in reality, these aren't "relationships" -- they are attachments glued together through a trauma bond created through the hot & cold or peace & tension cycle they tend to follow.

post credit: .woman

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It's okay to *hate* sin. Obviously, we don't want this emotion to linger or hang out longer than necessary, but hating SIN is an indicator of a person who belongs to Jesus.

Make no mistake, trying to control another human being is SIN.

❤“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21
❤“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

Using people to meet your needs is control and slavery. This is UNgodly.

Emotional abuse ------> SOUL ABUSE.

Emotional abuse targets a person's:
🌀mind (thinking)
🌀will (decision making)
🌀emotions (feelings)
🌀affections (what we emotionally attach to)
🌀imagination (our ability to imagine a good future)

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?..." Psalms 42:11

Emotional abuse victims tend to blame themselves because their abuser uses blame, gaslighting, and manipulation to twist reality to absolve themselves of any real accountability or responsibility. Playing with a person's mind and emotions is right out of the devil's playbook making emotional abuse so destructive.

When you feel like you **have to** take someone's help or do something a certain way to avoid criticism, passive-aggressiveness, their annoyance, drama, or something else, you are losing yourself and the ability to choose.

This is UNgodly. God gives us freewill and the choice to follow Him and His ways -- the consequences of those choices are ours. He doesn't inflict negative consequences on us when we don't follow His guidance.

Abusers, on the other hand, inflict the negative consequences of not following their "helpful suggestions" --- and because they've done this enough times, victims learn to just do what they want to avoid the blow-back.

Any form of abuse contradicts God's principles and is not in line with His heart for His people. God cares for the oppressed (Psalm 34:18): “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” God has a special concern for those who are suffering, including those who are abused or mistreated.

Whether covert or overt -- it's a power and control situation which is the foundation of all types of abuse.

Punishment doesn't have to be big or bold; it can be super subtle and something only you pick up on.

Emotionally immature, narcissistic, and/or abusive people are often petty, passive-aggressive, and very tit-for-tat. A **perceived** injury is all that is required for a person to get "punished."

Punishment in the form of "conditioning" is when an abusive person **teaches** you through blame, deflection, twisting of words, smear campaigns, the silent treatment, adult temper tantrums, name-calling, threatened abandonment, mocking, or something else they know will hurt you.

After a few negative experiences, a victim learns what to say/not say to keep the peace; what to do/not do to keep the peace.

Victims who have been conditioned mentally weigh out everything they say and do to avoid a negative reaction and make sure they are functioning within the abusers designated comfort zone.

🌀Examples of Invalidation:

"It wasn't that bad"
"You're just being sensitive"
"Don't worry about it"
"You'll be fine"
"Look on the bright side"
"It could be worse"
"Just let it go"
"You should feel lucky"
"Everything happens for a reason"
"Why are you always so sensitive?"
"You shouldn't feel that way"
"Stop overthinking things"
"What you really should do is..."
"You're bringing that up again?"
"No one else is bothered by that."
"Can't you take a joke?"
"You shouldn't still be upset about that."

🌀Non-Verbal Invalidation
Rolling your eyes
Ignoring the person
Playing on your phone while someone is talking

People who gaslight don't want to take accountability for their actions so they minimize and deflect another person's feelings or attempts to communicate.

It makes a person feel unheard, unimportant, insignificant, and small. It creates self-doubt and overthinking that makes a person think twice before bringing up something that bothers them again to this person -- which is what the abusive/manipulative person is trying to accomplish.

Invalidation is an attack on the soul (mind, emotions, will, affections, & imagination) of another person. Gaslighting is the devil's game...

When you tell someone they've hurt you and they turn around and tell you that you are "too sensitive" or they were "only joking" --- they are are attempting to redirect the focus of the conversation off of them and onto you.

The redirection is their way of not taking accountability for what they did or said and then making you the problem -- and if you are problem, then the conversation turns to you defending yourself.

These circular conversations create confusion and chaos leaving a person feeling worse and wishing they'd said nothing at all. Over time they create a tremendous amount of self-doubt leaving victims feeling like they are the problem, they are crazy, or are difficult to deal with.

You are not too sensitive or imagining things. You are just dealing with someone who doesn't want to take accountability for their words or actions and you calling them out is inconvenient.

You are not crazy -- You are living in crazy.