Sandi Friedlos

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"Somewhere there is a woman: 30, no children. People ask her, “Still no kids?” Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced smiles and restraint.
“Nope, not yet,” she says with a chuckle, muffling her frustration.
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“Well, don’t wait forever. That clock is ticking, ya know,” the sage says before departing, happy with herself for imparting such erudite wisdom. The sage leaves. The woman holds her smile. Alone, she cries…
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Cries because she’s been pregnant 4 times and miscarried every one. Cries because she started trying for a baby on her wedding night, and that was 5 years ago. Cries because her husband has an ex-wife and she has given him children. Cries because she wants desperately to try in vitro but can’t even afford the deposit. Cries because she’s done in vitro (multiple rounds) and still has no children. Cries because her best friend wouldn’t be a surrogate. “It would be too weird,” she said.
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​Cries because her medication prevents pregnancy. Cries because this issue causes friction in her marriage. Cries because the doctor said she’s fine, but deep inside she knows it’s her. Cries because her husband blames himself, and that guilt makes him a hard person to live with. Cries because all her sisters have children. Cries because one of her sisters didn’t even want children. Cries because her best friend is pregnant.
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​Cries because she got invited to another baby shower. Cries because her mother keeps asking, “Girl, what are you waiting on?” Cries because her in-laws want to be grandparents. Cries because her neighbor has twins and treats them like s**t. Cries because 16-year-olds get pregnant without trying. Cries because she’s an amazing aunt. Cries because she’s already picked out names. Cries because there’s an empty room in her house. Cries because there is an empty space in her body. Cries because she has so much to offer. Cries because he’d be a great dad. Cries because she’d be a great mother, but isn’t.
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Somewhere else is another woman: 34, five children. People say to her, “Five? Good lord, I hope you’re done!” And then they laugh… because those types of comments are funny. The woman laughs too, but not in earnest. She changes the subject, as she always does, and gives the disrespect a pass. Just another day. Alone, she cries…
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Cries because she’s pregnant with another and feels like she has to hide the joy. Cries because she always wanted a big family and doesn’t see why people seem so disturbed by it. Cries because she has no siblings and felt profoundly lonely as a child. Cries because her Granny had 12 and she’d love to be just like her.
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​Cries because she couldn’t imagine life without her children, but people treat her like they’re a punishment. Cries because she doesn’t want to be pitied. Cries because people assume this isn’t what she wanted. Cries because they assume she’s just irresponsible. Cries because they believe she has no say. Cries because she feels misunderstood. Cries because she’s tired of defending her private choices. Cries because she and her husband are perfectly capable of supporting their family but that doesn’t seem to matter.
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​Cries because she’s tired of the “funny” comments. Cries because she minds her own business. Cries because she wishes others would mind theirs. Cries because sometimes she doubts herself and wonders if she should have stopped two kids ago. Cries because others are quick to offer criticism and slow to offer help. Cries because she’s sick of the scrutiny. Cries because she’s not a side show. Cries because people are rude. Cries because so many people seem to have opinions on her private life. Cries because all she wants to do is live in peace.

​Another woman: 40, one child. People say to her, “Only one? You never wanted any more?”
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“I’m happy with my one,” she says calmly, a rehearsed response she’s given more times than she can count. Quite believable. No one would ever suspect that alone, she cries…
Cries because her one pregnancy was a miracle. Cries because her son still asks for a brother or sister. Cries because she always wanted at least three. Cries because her second pregnancy had to be terminated to save her life. Cries because her doctor says it would be “high-risk.” Cries because she’s struggling to care for the one she has.
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​Cries because sometimes one feels like two. Cries because her husband won’t even entertain the thought of another. Cries because her husband died and she hasn’t found love again. Cries because her family thinks one is enough. Cries because she’s deep into her career and can’t step away. Cries because she feels selfish. Cries because she still hasn’t lost the weight from her from her first pregnancy. Cries because her postpartum depression was so intense. Cries because she can’t imagine going through that again. Cries because she has body issues and pregnancy only exacerbates it. Cries because she still battles bulimia. Cries because she had to have a hysterectomy. Cries because she wants another baby, but can’t have it.
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These women are everywhere. They are our neighbors, our friends, our sisters, our co-workers, our cousins. They have no use for our advice or opinions. Their wombs are their own. Let’s respect that." - Nadirah Angail.
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​Photo by Joey Thompson, Unsplash

Tears come easily to me on Mother's Day, it's a tricky day for me with a massive swirl of strong emotions.

On the one hand, I remember all too well the frustration that lead us to seek help getting pregnant; the joy of knowing we were pregnant, punctuated by the losses we endured during fertility treatment. Vividly in my muscle memory is the feeling of miscarrying, that irreversible hollowness, the air sucked from my lungs and the animal-like howl that I didn't realise was coming from me.

On the other hand, we have been so incredibly fortunate. I will forever treasure the moments of joy at the birth of the babies we got to keep, the wash of endorphins and the realisation that parenthood is a journey, not a destination.

Wherever you are in your journey, please know that you're not alone.
Happy Mother Day to you, the mums of yesterday, today and tomorrow 💕

Absolutely no pressure x

Shout out to everyone who’s ovulating on the most romantic day of the year!
Statistically Valentine’s week pregnancies cause a small baby boom every November.
The odds are slightly more in your favour, so let’s hope Cupid sprinkles some Baby Dust on your relationship today ❤️

Stop trying harder
Stop hanging your happiness on a test result
Bring back the fun and playfulness
And you'll be OK. Together. Whatever happens next

Spending an evening at the beach with my family and I realise we’re using our old IVF drugs bag as an esky... it’s contents are far more fun now. 🍻

Absolutely- however you’ve got this far, you’re doing great!

👏🏽

Music makes my mood - how about you? It's a brilliant way to shift out of a funk
Here's a playlist I put together of some songs that lift my mood, make me move or sing out loud. What songs do that for you?

Leaving Facebook

Misguided Advice Can Mess With Your Chances Of Fertility Success

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I was honoured to be asked to write about my experience of going through fertility treatment – the raw, honest truth. I’m joined in this book by many other amazing IVF warriors, and we share our fears, anxieties, pain and hopes, as well as advice and information you won’t find anywhere else. We write about:
*the loss of failed cycles
*the grief when embryos don’t develop
*juggling cycles when you’re working
*the financial costs
*deciding what to do with frozen embryos
*secondary infertility and IVF
*affirmations, yoga and taking care of your mental health.
Although our stories are all different, no matter where you are in your fertility treatment, there’ll be one, if not many warriors that you’ll relate to. We’re all here to support you emotionally and to let you know that you are not alone. We see you. We hear you.
Sheila Lamb's book This is IVF and other fertility treatments. It's available now in paperback and ebook through amazon here: https://bit.ly/2ZURh8q

How to Negotiate Fertility Benefits and IVF Money Hacks with Jay Palumbo

How to Negotiate Fertility Benefits and IVF Money Hacks with Jay Palumbo Today’s podcast is mostly for our US listeners and we’re talking all about negotiating fertility