The Peter Gee Spot

GLENORCHY FOOTBALL CLUB GOING 'BACK TO THE FUTURE' TO SOLVE RECRUITING CRISIS

Tasmanian State League football clubs are in awe tonight, after the unveiling of a bold new plan that's set to reverse the fortunes of one of the league's most beleaguered clubs.

Labelled 'Operation: Back to the Future', the plan will see the Glenorchy Football Club send one of its rising stars (known only as 'Macca') back in time, in order to solve the recruiting crisis that's left the club with only 28 players on its training list in the lead-up to round one (well short of the 44 required).

It’s believed the plan’s first step will involve Macca meeting a strange, wild-eyed, grey-haired, frazzled-looking man in the Northgate shopping centre car park at approximately 1am next Saturday morning.

Assisted by a ‘substance’ that he’s obtained from one of the Glenorchy region’s many suppliers, the frazzled-looking man will then strap Macca into his clapped-out sports car and instruct him to ‘FLOOR IT!’ and reach the 88 miles per hour speed required to travel back in time to the year 1955 (i.e. when the Glenorchy Football Club was last relevant).

Upon arrival in 1955, Macca will then need to temporarily ward off the sexual advances of his own mother, before eventually realizing that boning his own mother is the only way to create people in**ed enough to want to play for the Glenorchy Football Club in 2023.

Macca will then perform a rousing rendition of the co***ne anthem ‘Charlie B. Goode’ before travelling back to the present day.

The plan isn’t without its detractors, however.

A source within Tasmania Police tells us that rival clubs have contacted the organization to question the legality of the ‘Back to the Future’ plan.

“A subscriber says it’s bulls**t,” said Senior Sargeant Rodney Richards, who asked not to be named. “They think there’s one set of rules for Glenorchy and another set of rules for everyone else. But even if there wasn’t, employing artificial measures to keep the Tasmanian State League alive and plunge its clubs even further into debt just to satisfy the conditions of an irresponsible AFL licence bid is an act that’s more criminal than whatever s**t Macca’s getting up to in the Northgate car park on a Friday night.”

Investigations would have quickly stalled anyway, as soon as police realized how difficult it would be to pinpoint Macca and his frazzled-looking accomplice among the hundreds of petty thieves in clapped out cars who frequent the city of Glenorchy every Friday night.

Senior Sargeant Richards did still have a reminder, however:

“Regardless of which club they play for, we’re going to come down like a ton of bricks on anyone that breaks the law. Even the laws of space and time.”

Regardless of what their rivals think, things are surely looking up for the Glenorchy Football Club in 2023. They’ve just been admitted into the Tasmanian State League for another year, despite having only 14 players on the training track. And as long as nobody gets injured or sick or has a mate’s wedding to attend or simply walks out on the club after they don’t get picked in the round one lineup, everything at Glenorchy should be fine.

And if it isn’t? Well…

Can we interest you in a new stadium?

TASMANIANS DAZZLED BY ARRIVAL OF MYSTERIOUS CEO

The city of Hobart is abuzz this morning, after the arrival of a mysterious, rarely-seen-in-these-parts figure who calls himself ‘Gillon McLachlan’.

Describing himself as the ‘CEO of the greatest game in the world’, McLachlan has arrived in town to spruik a proposed $360mil funding package, ‘guaranteed’ to fix issues affecting grassroots football participation like an ageing population, Saturday trading, and the fact that the Tasmania Jack Jumpers got in there first.

Speaking at a town hall meeting specially convened to discuss his stadium proposal, Mr. McLachlan had this to say:

“I’ve sold stadium deals to Carrara, Invermay, and Greater Western Sydney, and by gum it put them on the map!”

However, not all attendees were sold on Mr. McLachlan’s vision. Speaking on behalf of local residents, conscientious objector Marge Thompson had this to say:

“I think we should $750mil on things like health care and education and a dental plan to provide free treatments to all Tasmanians.”

But after a thirty second pause, during which the words ‘DENTAL PLAN!’ and ‘Hobart needs Stadium!’ whirled around his skull on an endless loop, Premier Jeremy Rockliff disagreed:

“We can’t spend the money on public health… because the people of Tasmania need a new stadium!”

Marge then continued:

“But Davey Street is cracked and broken!”

To which the Premier responded:

“Shut up, fool. What the hell are you smokin’?”

Marge was then silenced by her husband, Homer, who’s allegedly been promised a management job at the Macquarie Point site.

Desperate to restore the buoyant mood, the Premier then asked the gathered crowd whether they wanted to continue discussing ‘boring’ things like macroeconomics, or whether they’d rather watch Mr. McLachlan “kick a few torps!”

Grateful for the distraction, Mr. McLachlan then proceeded to roost a few torps over the proposed Macquarie Point stadium site, with the exercise continuing until a ‘poorly-aimed’ torp landed on the roof of a homeless family of four’s car, shattering the windscreen of their 1986 Ford Laser like a proverbial working class Tasmanian dream.

It’s not yet known whether Tasmanians will accept Mr. McLachlan’s glittering $360mil offer, but one thing’s for sure, you can’t catch Hepatitis A from watching the AFL!

CLINT STEINDL GIFTS GAME-WORN SHOES TO ADVANTAGED YOUTH

The sporting world is in awe tonight, after a stunning charitable gesture by Tasmania Jack Jumpers captain Clint Steindl.

Returning to the change rooms after the Jack Jumpers’ season-ending 92-77 loss to the New Zealand Breakers, Steindl encountered a crying fan and decided to gift him his game-worn shoes. The fan, 11-year-old Henry Mountbatten-Windsor-Holmes a Court, was then filmed expressing his undying gratitude in a heartwarming moment that’s since been broadcast across the globe.

However, it can now be revealed that the ‘heartwarming’ moment was not actually all it seemed.

Speaking exclusively to Bent Costelloe, a source close to Mountbatten-Windsor-Holmes a Court family has revealed that young Henry was not crying about the basketball result at all. In fact, his tears were sparked by the tragic news that Henry’s parents were unable to secure his favourite music act, Drake, to perform at his upcoming 11th birthday party.

“Henry was devastated,” according to the family source, who has asked that their identity be withheld. “His parents promised him Drake for his birthday, but he instead had to settle for an international holiday booked on 48hrs’ notice to watch his favourite basketball team play.”

It has also since emerged that Clint’s game-worn shoes aren’t even the best pair in young Henry’s collection. Boasting an entire spare bedroom for his sneakers, as is custom amongst his fifth grade The Friends School classmates, it’s believed Steindl’s game-worn shoes will barely scrape into the top ten of Mountbatten-Windsor-Holmes a Court’s ever-growing collection.

“He’s quite the budding sneaker head,” says the family source, who again asked not to be named for fear of retribution from the ‘Little Prince’. “But I’m sure he can find a place for the Steindl pair amongst his game-worn Kyries and Durants and Jordans and the pair that LeBron wore when he broke the scoring record a couple of weeks back.”

“And if he can’t? Well, keep an eye out at the tip shop nearest you.”