Lotta's Little Happiness Project

9 months (+ 2 weeks) in - 9 months out!
Happy mini birthday our beautiful Theo 💙

A whole 18 months of you with you.

It’s crazy to think that just 4-5 months ago I was wondering if we made a mistake having a baby - so much changed, everything felt so hard and none of it felt like it was for the best.

I held onto the old parts of me, my and Todd’s relationship and our life as we knew it before, so tight that it was extremely difficult to allow the change to happen.

The last two months in Australia and being back to work have been teaching me so much - it’s forced me to pay attention to what’s really important at this moment and what I have to let go of in order to enjoy the present and to not hit the burn out stage over and over again.

Funnily enough, it turns out that I can’t do everything as I did before. What a surprise that you can’t keep on working, studying and training full time when you have a baby.

What did surprise me though was that work becomes so secondary, even if you used to live for your work. I love what I do and it makes who I am - at least that’s what I felt like before Theo.

What I’ve understood here is that in anything else that I do or what I am in my life can be replaced by someone else, but as the mother for Theo I cannot. In someways it seems so scary and heavy, yet at the same time so special and precious ✨

Now I can’t imagine a day without Theo in it and I wouldn’t have my life any other way.

He’s the bestest, funniest, goofiest little thing and I am so grateful for waking up next to him every day 💙
He’s our little superstar and sunshine.

Thank you for choosing us Theo, for constantly keeping us on our toes and running after you, and for making us see the wonders of life every day.

Ps. How the heck to they wake up smiling every single day?? I want some of that good stuff

These were taken by my coolest sister when Theo had been 9 months in my belly - and yesterday marked 9 months of him being out 🥰

Merry Christmas and lots of love from Australia🎄

The best Christmas present this year was a morning kiss from Todd before getting out of the bed - haven’t had any of those in a long time and forgot how happy they make me.

Having a kid might make you sleep deprived and forget a lot of things but it also makes you notice a lot of small things in life again - the things that most often are taken for granted, and that also make the life really good (like kisses and trees so make sure to look up sometimes).

It’s been a massive year and I couldn’t be more grateful for our two families and group of friends across both sides of the ocean. You mean the world to us, and Theo is so lucky to have you in his life.

Drunk in love.

I’ve never ever felt this way in my life - that all I can think of is Theo; in everything that I do he’s there in someway. I see someone drinking water and it makes me wonder if Theo is thirsty. I see someone getting hurt in a movie and I get upset that he might get hurt someday. I spend my days thinking about his p**p and if he’s warm enough and at night when I finally can sleep I just end up worrying if he’s dying in his bed and I’m not there to save him.

No wonder it’s called the mom brain. And no wonder they say women are nuts with their hormones. I thought that I’d never get it this bad but here I am 😂
The other night I cried because Theo got his first tooth and it made me realise that he’s not a tiny baby anymore.

I also thought that I’ve already felt so much love in my life that there’s not much more love to be felt but man this is a very new kind of love.

He’s stolen my heart.

For so long I thought there’s something wrong with me - I didn’t feel like a mom, I was happy to go back to work, back to school, back to my training.

Now I look back and realise how it’s been a bit of an escape of how hard its all been to process - the labor and Theo being in pain the first months of his life and non stop crying. And the amount of giving you do but not getting anything back. You feel like so much was taken from you - your body is broken and hurting like never before; you can’t sit or walk, but you have to because you have a baby to care for - suddenly all the things you used to be and do are not there anymore, there’s new you but you don’t like any of it - and your relationship with your partner is nothing like it was before; suddenly there’s not even an eye contact between you two because you both just look at the baby.

You try so hard - to stay positive, to be understanding, to be grateful, to see all the good, to believe that it’ll all make sense one day and that your body will heal, to keep moving even when the pain is shooting through your brain, to take care of yourself, to give love to your partner even when it feels like there’s nothing left to give.

I lived in such a survival mode the first months of Theo’s life, and I was so ashamed to say out loud all the bad thoughts that I had.

But man that day when Theo started smiling. And the day when he laughed for the first time. And all the other firsts that we’ve gotten: the talking, sitting up, standing up, crawling, sticking his tiny tongue out, blowing rasberries, laughing out so loud that it makes me laugh so much that I cry. And the night when he started sleeping more and waking up less, I can’t tell you how grateful I’ve been for that.🙏

Now I get days when I’m filled with butterflies because I’m so in love with my son. He’s the bestest thing me and Todd could have ever created together. He’s the most funny little man, and we are so lucky to have him in our lives.

I guess you just don’t understand any of it until you do. And when you do, you’d do it all again and again and again just to be here where you are now ♥️

Happy First Father’s Day 💙🤍

Theo couldn’t have asked for a better dad - he’s gotten so extremely lucky. I hope that he will become as considerate, smart and funny as you are.

I am so grateful to have found a partner like you. They say that men will never be able to understand how mothers feels and what they have to go through with all the changes and hormones, and while that may be very true, you still show up every single day and make an effort to try to understand.

I know it’s not easy - I know that life with me can be a very big roller coaster as I’m a walking tornado (your words 🌪️) - so I want you to know that I value it all more than words can ever describe.

Thank you for making me a mother, for standing by my side through it all, for going to so many adventures, and most importantly, thank you for choosing to love us everyday.

I love our little team more than anything. And we just keep growing in love 💙

📸

Part 2. “This must be how it feels when the body and mind separate from each other”

I can’t really describe it, the strongest memory I have. The pain, so intense that I tried to pull myself up on the hospital bed, towards the sky, trying to leave my body because I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt my eyes going back in my head, my head feeling like it’ll explode any minute.

That’s when I knew that nothing in me is going to be exactly like it was before.

They have these encouraging quotes for moms saying that they’re not broken. But a lot got broken in me, physically and mentally, no matter what those quotes say. I’ve dwelled in it, not understanding the beauty of it…until slowly I started seeing that maybe all that brokenness is there to give space for all the new that’s about to enter into our lives.

And that new might be something so powerful that all the brokenness will make fully sense one day.

📸

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to publish any of these as they are very intimate but it has healed so much in me that I felt the need to do it anyways. (I’ve censored it with my crazy good painting skills for any sensitive eyes out there)

I want to thank my sister for being there in all those moments of pain and sadness that I’ve felt, and yet still capturing it all in the most beautiful way possible - it now feels that the brokenness that I’ve felt since the labor is finally starting to heal.

All those negative, painful memories and feelings that I’ve been holding onto since giving birth to Theo are slowly being replaced with something so much bigger - it feels like I’ve been given a new set of eyes.

I still have work to do, trauma to let go of, but seeing these photos has healed some parts of me that I never knew that just photos could heal.

And to my sister: You’ve been my idol since my day one, and I’ll forever continue being your biggest fan and littlest little sister.

Keep doing you because you are not just extremely talented at what you do - you also have the gift of healing people through your work and that’s something very special ✨

Where did 5 months go?
My little man is a growing into a big big boy 🤭

How lucky I am to live this life ✨

Friends, family, sports, and lots and lots of sleep deprivation, tears, hard work, but sooooo much love that it heals it all ♥️

What are the lessons your baby is teaching you?

Someone said that in the beginning it is to soften.

Soften into motherhood. Soften into the fears and worries. Soften into the what ifs and what might come.

For me, it’s learning that becoming softer doesn’t mean you’re becoming weaker - it can actually mean the complete opposite, but first you have to learn to accept it and then embrace it all.
The new you.
The new, beautiful life that is equally full of challenges and opportunities - and we get to choose what we make out of it all.

Three things that I’ve been grateful for today already before midday:
• My partner made me a morning coffee before leaving for work (even if he had to leave early for work)
• Theo slept for our entire gym visit so I got to finish my workout without interruptions
• Today was the first day that I dared to wear normal underwear since giving birth and it didn’t hurt

These small things are the best.

So are these tiny big moments captured by ✨