Lisa Alexander - Return to Wholeness

Which is confusing because you assume you should feel better after the
-relationship improves.
-children get older.
-project finishes.
-crisis passes.
-workload settles down.

And instead of feeling relieved…

You feel anxious.
Exhausted.
Emotional.
Flat.
Overwhelmed.
Get sick.

And you start wondering is wrong with me?

But often, nothing is wrong with you.

What’s going on is:
For a long time, your nervous system was focused on surviving.

Getting through the day.
Managing the situation.
Holding everything together.

So, there wasn’t much capacity left for processing what it was actually costing you and the impact it was having on you.

So you kept going and because you’re capable, you probably convinced yourself you were coping.

Then the pressure eased. And the heavy thing got lighter.
And suddenly you have enough space to hear your nervous system say:
‘Can we talk about everything we’ve been carrying?’

Then the tears arrive.
The exhaustion, grief and anxiety lands.
The illness takes hold.

You might have even noticed this in more obvious ways before.

Like finally going on holiday and getting sick.
It happens so often.
The pressure eases.
Your body finally stops pushing through.
And suddenly it has enough space to reveal what it has been carrying all along.

Sometimes that looks like a cold or flu.

Other times it looks like tears, grief, anger, anxiety or emotions that seem to arrive out of nowhere.

And not because things are getting worse.
But because you’re finally safe enough to feel what was there all along. You finally have the space to unravel, be a human and to FEEL.
Because remember- often, exhausted people don’t feel things in real time because that’s a luxury their nervous system can’t afford.

This is something I see often….and that I’ve lived through myself.
People assume that once the heavy thing has lifted that healing should feel like instant relief.

But sometimes it starts off with finally feeling and noticing what you couldn’t afford to feel while you were in survival….

That feeling of dread when you have to say no to someone.
Or that feeling of dread when it comes to that thing you said yes to - but you wish you said no to.

And here’s what’s interesting:
-it’s not that you don’t know how to say No.
and
-it’s not that your scared of actually having to say No.

You’re afraid of what will happen after you say it.

Because there’s a chance that the other person is going to be:
-disappointed & upset.
And
-they may feel rejected.

And maybe they won’t understand?
Or maybe they’ll think you’re selfish?
And maybe they won’t like you anymore?

It’s what comes after saying No, that feels more uncomfortable to you, than actually saying the word No.

You’ve spent so much of your life managing other people’s disappointment and trying to avoid it.
And you’ve invested so much energy being responsible for it.

So now life looks like:
-Saying yes when you want to say no.
-Dreading conversations
-Losing sleep over decisions that need to be made.
-Over explaining.
-Over justifying.
-Trying to find the ‘perfect’ way to phrase something so nobody gets upset.

And all the while, you’re carrying the weight of emotions that were never yours to carry.

Remember:
-if you have reasonable needs, standards & expectations.
And
-you express these in a mature and respectful manner.
Then
- the right people, jobs and situations will stay.

They’ll respond to your ‘No’ with respect and maturity.
Sure, they may be disappointed- but the right people will not think you’re selfish for saying no.
The right relationships will not crumble.
And the correct jobs & situations will evolve with you.

The moment you stop making other people’s reactions your responsibility…

life gets a whole lot lighter.

You’re highly sensitive and can feel what’s going on around you- in an intense way.

You walk into a room and can sense tension.

You know when someone is upset before a word is spoken.

You can feel stress, disappointment, frustration, sadness and anxiety in the people around you.

And you’re EXHAUSTED!!! Right?!

Here’s the blunt truth-
You’re not exhausted because you’re sensitive.
Being sensitive gives you information about what’s going on around you.

It’s what’s you’re doing with that info that is causing the exhaustion.
Because you’re not just noticing it-
you’re feeling responsible for it.

There’s a difference.
Sensitivity/empathic = information about other’s feelings & states of being.
Feeling responsible for other’s feelings & states of being = exhaustion

The exhaustion starts when you believe you have to do something about everything you notice.

When someone is upset, you try to make them feel better.

When someone is disappointed, you try to fix it.

When someone is struggling, you feel responsible for carrying it.

When someone is uncomfortable, you go out of your way to ease that discomfort.

Because somewhere along the way, you learned that other people’s feelings are your responsibility.

And you started to carry & fix things that aren’t yours to carry and fix.

So- The goal isn’t to become less sensitive.

The goal is to stop turning every feeling you notice into a job.

And when you stop doing that, your sensitivity stops feeling like a burden and starts becoming what it was always meant to be:

Wisdom.

Yep. It’s an amazing tool that helps you to read people & situations.
It’s the ultimate bu****it detector that helps you to distinguish between the duds & the gems.
The truth and the bs.
What’s right for you & what isn’t.

But the gift doesn’t work if you’re always so exhausted by turning the information into responsibility.