Lisa Alexander - Return to Wholeness

overfunctioning doesn’t just show up in “unhealthy” environments.

Sometimes it follows us directly into healing. Like new wellness regimes, self development, conscious living and entrepreneurship.

Because, when overfunctioning is caused by an inner sense of unworthiness…which leads us to trying to always do more, show up more and achieve more to prove our worth -

the pattern doesn’t disappear just because the environment changes and we start to focus on more ‘healthy & positive’ things.

It will squeeze its way into even that stuff.
For instance- when it comes to me- I overfunctioned in the corporate world.
Then I did the same in yoga teaching and coaching.
And parenting. And marriage.

so where the fck does it end?
Well my friend- it ends when you realise that you’re the common denominator and that you aren’t available for burnout, over giving, over achieving, exhaustion, guilt, shame or dis-ease any longer.

Ps- This photo is from my yoga teaching days 11yr ago.

Even then, I thought I had to overperform to prove I was good enough. Thought I had to be capable of doing the most challenging poses etc. and the reality was - the yoga students couldn’t have cared less if I could do this pose or not. They cared about my authenticity and ability to hold space for them.

Because the overfunctioning person is the glue holding everything together in dysfunctional families, relationships and workplaces.

…and that’s why people are afraid to stop.

Because if they stop saying yes to everything, and they stop being available all the time, and they stop prioritising everyone ahead of themselves- then….
things might fall apart if they do.

So they keep overfunctioning.
They keep abandoning themselves.
And they feel a sense of safety in doing so.

Not necessarily because they want to…
but because it will ensure that everything around them stays the same.
And that nothing breaks.
That no one gets upset or disappointed.
That they remain needed. Loved. Respected.

Sounds like it’s worth it right?

But eventually the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change.

The pain and impact that always saying yes, being available and prioritising yourself last (or not at all) has on you starts to outweigh the pain caused by disappointing others….or of losing them.

Where in your life are you feeling this pain?

Overfunctioning is often a brilliant survival strategy…

until it starts costing you yourself.

at some point, overfunctioning probably helped you.

It ‘benefited’ you by helping you:
- stay connected with those you love
- stay in control
- avoid disappointing others

So this isn’t about judging the pattern. It started out with intentions- right?
But….eventually that strategy that once protected you…and helped you - is now exhausting you.
It’s now costing you more than what it gives you.

Because eventually, the ‘benefits’ of overfunctioning stop …

and starts feeling like:
- resentment
- anxiety
- emotional exhaustion
- hypervigilance
- inability to rest
- disconnection from yourself

And here’s the tricky part:
A lot of people don’t even realise they’re doing it.
Because Overfunctioning became a default setting they naturally revert to.
Because being helpful, capable and available became part of their identity.

Until one day…

Their body starts responding to a life their nervous system was never meant to sustain long term. It starts saying no in some quiet…and sometimes not so quiet ways….

Ever had this happen to you?

People don’t talk about this enough….and maybe that’s because they don’t even realise this- but:

When you stop abandoning yourself…and stop over functioning -
your life has to reorganise around that.
Because you’ll stop over giving, stop saying yes when you mean no and you’ll stop prioritising yourself last.

Which means that the people closest to you will need to get used to you not saying yes to everything, being constantly available, prioritising their needs over yours.

So when you change - any part of your life that relied on your self abandonment and over functioning- will need to change too…..if it/they are going to remain in your life.

And that rarely happens smoothly.

Because when you stop:
- overfunctioning
- people pleasing
- shape-shifting
- tolerating what hurts you

it disrupts the system.

because people become used to a certain version of you.

And growth isn’t always peaceful while it’s happening…..

Sometimes it’s uncomfortable.
Sometimes it changes relationships.
Sometimes it asks you to tolerate guilt, grief, uncertainty or disappointment.

But there comes a point where staying disconnected from yourself becomes more painful than change itself.

Sometimes the support is there…
but your conditioning won’t let you receive it.

You finally get:
the help
the space
the opportunity to rest

Perhaps it’s your partner genuinely suggesting that you go away for a few days and leave the kids with them….
Or maybe your boss suggests that you delegate, go home on time and stop taking on so much ….
(I’ve experienced both!)

…and instead of relief….

You feel guilt.
Discomfort.
Restlessness.
The urge to grip tighter.
The feeling that you should probably still be doing more.
Looking for reasons why you can’t (🤯🤯🤯🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️)

Because for so many of us, overfunctioning becomes normal.
Being needed becomes normal.
Holding everything together becomes normal.

And eventually…

receiving starts to feel unfamiliar.

because somewhere along the way, you learned:
being selfless = being good
having needs = being difficult
rest = being lazy
space = selfishness

So even when the external conditions change…
internally, the pattern is still running.
The pattern that warns us against accepting help.
Backing off.
Taking a break.

So even if you have the permission and support from those around you- like the:
-loving partner.
-supportive boss
-opportunity.
- time.

…you still struggle to let yourself receive it.

Because self-abandonment doesn’t just show up in what we do.

It shows up in what we won’t allow ourselves to receive.

Start noticing where guilt appears the moment something supportive becomes available to you.

That’s often where the pattern is hiding.

One of the hardest parts of no longer abandoning yourself…

is realising other people were benefiting from the version of you that did.

Not always consciously or maliciously.

But when you’ve spent years:
- over-giving
- shape-shifting
-people pleasing
- being endlessly available
- putting yourself last

people adjust to that version of you.

So when you start changing…
when you start choosing yourself too…
there can be resistance.

Guilt.
Pushback.
Discomfort.
Even from those that love you the most can innocently project it upon you (like my children do!)

And if you’re not careful, you’ll mistake that discomfort as a sign you’re doing something wrong.

I used to do that.

For example, as a mother- I used to think being a good mother meant:
-never needing space
-never wanting time for myself
-always being available
-always putting myself last

Same goes for when I worked as a commercial lawyer….well sort of….
But saying yes to everything, not asking for help, not speaking up and always being available, were standard expectations of the industry.
I remember it was even frowned upon to take a lunch break or leave before 6pm.

And the truth is-

The version of me that completely abandoned herself…
wasn’t the best version of me.

Not for me.
Not for my children.
Not for my workplace.
Not for anyone.

Because in your personal life-
self-abandonment doesn’t create deeper connection.

And in the workplace- long term - it doesn’t create a more productive employee.

It creates resentment.
Exhaustion.
Disconnection.
Emotional depletion.
Lack of motivation.
And physical fatigue.

And now?

I can hold space for other people’s feelings and reaction to my boundaries and prioritising my health & wellbeing-
without making those feelings the authority over my life. Without letting them determine my direction.

Even if it’s guilt from my children (believe me- that’s heavy!)

Because I know that I’m a better mother.
A better worker.
A better person- when I don’t abandon or override myself.

That changed everything.

Hosting an international retreat while the world is being shook up isn’t easy.

A past version of me would have tried to control this entire experience.

She would have panicked at the uncertainty.
Questioned herself.
Focused on the others options & fears.

And honestly… she may have even cancelled it all altogether.

But this time was different.

Even with everything happening in the world right now…
the uncertainty around travel…
the fear people are holding…

I just kept coming back to the same thing:

The knowing I had 6 months ago when I first decided to create a Bali retreat.

And I’ve learned to trust that.

Completely.

That feeling in my body when it’s a YES. The synchronicities. Everything falling into place.

Self Trust.

In the past, I would have overridden myself.
Freaked out. Tried to force it or change it or cancel it.

And each time I’ve done that- it’s never worked out.
Each time I’ve doubted myself, listened to others and abandoned what I know to be true- I’ve seen the result that show it would have worked out better if I had just trusted & backed myself.

So this time, I didn’t force.
I didn’t over-control.
I didn’t collapse into fear.

I trusted myself enough to keep moving forward.

And the women who were meant to be there… were there.

And now I have more evidence to remind me of how important self trust is.

That’s also why I lead the way I do.

Not because I have all the answers.
But because I’ve lived the experience of overriding myself, not trusting myself, abandoning my instincts - and I know what changes when you finally stop doing that.

I also know how to build self trust, hold that and listen to myself.

This retreat reminded me of that again.
And honestly… that experience in itself is priceless.