Insightful Conversations and Coaching

𝗜𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗶𝘁 𝗺𝗼𝘀𝘁?
You know how it goes.
You make a mistake.
You react more strongly than you wanted.
You do not say what you had planned to say.
Or you return to a familiar pattern you thought you had overcome by now.

And immediately, your inner critic goes into overdrive:
“Why did I do that again?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“I should know better.”
“I have worked on this, so why can I still not get it right?”

When you are judging yourself so harshly, the idea of responding with self-compassion may feel wrong or even impossible.

You may think:
“But I did get it wrong.”
“I cannot pretend that it was okay.”
“If I am compassionate towards myself, am I just making excuses?”

Part of you may believe that being hard on yourself keeps you alert, safe and in control, prevents you from repeating mistakes and helps you maintain your standards.
But such harsh self- criticism is not always helpful.

It can turn one experience that did not go as planned into a judgement about who 𝘆𝗼𝘂 are.
Instead of reviewing what happened, you may become caught in “What is wrong with me.” mode and keep replaying the experience.

Any shame or frustration you already feel becomes stronger.
And it can become more difficult to think clearly, understand what influenced your response and decide what you want to do differently.

Self-compassion does not mean pretending that nothing happened.
It does not require you to feel warm, forgiving or positive towards yourself.
And importantly, it does not remove accountability.

Self-compassion can help you look at the situation from a different perspective.
Instead of:
“What is wrong with me?”
Change your perspective to:
“What happened, and what influenced how I responded?”

Instead of:
“I should know better.”
You might consider:
“What can I take from this, and what do I want to do next?”

Harsh self-judgement can make the experience about your character.

Self-compassion and accountability can help you consider:
What happened?
What was the impact?
What might I improve or do differently next time?

Being less harsh with yourself does not mean avoiding responsibility.
It actually may help you take responsibility without becoming consumed by shame or criticism.

This can give you more capacity to review what happened constructively, respond to what needs attention and decide on your next step.

And what can that actually mean for you?
It means you may be able to continue with your day instead of remaining consumed by the experience.

I understand that you may not yet feel able to respond to yourself with compassion yet.
It also took me quite a while.
So what then.

If someone comes to mind who sees you with care, you might borrow their perspective for a moment.
If that is not available to you, consider how you would respond to someone you care about in the same situation.
Then see whether you can direct even part of that response towards yourself.

You do not need to force yourself to feel something that is not there.
Even the intention to consider a more compassionate perspective can be a starting point.
It may help you remain present with what you are feeling and start acknowledging that you are worth it.

This will not change overnight.
But over time, it may become easier to consider another perspective and relate to yourself differently.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗸 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗷𝘂𝗱𝗴𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀.
𝗛𝗮𝗿𝘀𝗵 𝗰𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗶𝘀𝗺 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲.
𝗦𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝘁, 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱.

Comment “𝗦𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻” if you would like to hear more.

𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝗴𝗮𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝘀𝗼 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗼𝗰𝘂𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿?
I think we have all been there.
We focus on what went wrong, what still feels difficult or what did not work out completely.
Then we use that part of the experience to judge everything.
What went well gets wiped out.
The effort involved gets dismissed.

And if something does not feel natural or effortless yet, we decide that it does not really count.
“I said no, but I should not have felt so guilty.”
“I spoke up, but I did not say it as clearly as I wanted.”
“I was triggered and able to reconnect with myself and recover sooner, but I should not have reacted that way in the first place.”

𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮 𝗼𝗻𝗲-𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗰𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲.
Every difficulty counts as evidence that nothing has changed.
Anything that went well is disqualified because it was uncomfortable, incomplete or required effort.

That does more than hide your progress.
It can leave you feeling discouraged.
It can affect your motivation to continue.
And it can reinforce the belief that you are still in exactly the same place, even when that is not the whole picture.

Our brains are naturally more likely to notice and remember negative or potentially threatening experiences.
Because recognising possible danger or problems can help us respond and keep ourselves safe.

That tendency has its place for sure.
But times have changed, and not every negative experience threatens our survival.

Wanting to learn, improve and keep yourself safe remains relevant.
However, if you focus only on what went wrong, you miss what you can build on and dismiss experiences that could support your next step.

Looking at the full picture does not mean ignoring what did not work.
It means considering both sides.
What still needs my attention?
What worked, even if it only worked partly?
Where did I respond differently?
Was there a moment when I trusted myself more than I might have before?

Correct, effort alone does not automatically mean that an approach was effective.
At the same time, an outcome that was not 100% as you imagined it may still contain evidence that something changed and should not automatically be dismissed.

You may still need to refine how you set the boundary.
But you set it.

The conversation may not have gone as planned.
But you included your perspective.

A familiar pattern may still have appeared.
But perhaps you recognised it sooner and recovered more quickly.

Progress and difficulty can exist in the same experience.
Do not let what still needs attention completely wipe out the evidence of where you are already responding differently.

𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗻 𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱𝘀𝗲𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝘃𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲, 𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗶𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲.
𝗖𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗴𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗱, 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗴𝗼 𝗮𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗱.

Both provide useful information.
One shows you what you can build on.
The other shows where you may need to refine your approach or try a different tactic to move towards the outcome you are looking for.

𝗕𝗼𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗮𝗻𝘁!
Comment “𝗬𝗲𝘀” if this resonates with you.

𝗗𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝘂𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗹𝘆𝘀𝗶𝘀 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗹𝘆𝘀𝗶𝘀?
You have a decision to make.
So you research.
You compare the options.
You consider the risks.
You may ask other people what they think.

And each time you believe you may be ready to decide, another question or possibility appears.
Instead of becoming clearer, you feel more confused and exhausted.

There can be different reasons for this.
You may not feel confident in your judgement.
You may genuinely need more knowledge or information because this is not your area of expertise.
Perhaps you have never had the opportunity to take a step this significant before.

Or also you may be breaking out of a mould that was never truly yours in the first place.
A mould shaped by other people’s expectations, responsibilities or ideas about who you should be.

Then it’s not only about the decision itself.
It then can become about more such as:
Can I trust myself to take this step?
Can I deal with what happens next?
And what if I cannot yet see where this will lead?

Analysis has an important purpose.
It can help you understand the situation, recognise risks and prepare.
The challenge begins when more information no longer creates clarity.
You plan for one direction and then change to another.

You might start to feel mentally exhausted.
This can also impact your motivation, energy and even how you feel physically.

Meanwhile, time passes.
You remain where you are.
And opportunities that sounded interesting or suitable
may pass because you could not take the step needed to explore them.

This is not about blaming you for being indecisive.
Not at all!

It is not always easy to be the courageous one,
especially when you are entering unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has their own pace,
and this is not about rushing into something without thinking.

𝗜𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗮𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝗻𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵 𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗮 𝗹𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝗰𝗲𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘁𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝗮𝘆 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗯𝗲 𝗮𝘃𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝘆𝗲𝘁.

Before gathering more information, you might consider:
What is the bigger reason driving this change?
What information do I genuinely need before taking the first step?
What am I trying to predict that only experience can show me?
And what would help me come back to myself so I can think and feel more clearly?

It might help to write down your bigger reason so it becomes an anchor
fpr when the options and opinions begin competing for your attention.

Grounding and other supporting practices can also help
when fear, uncertainty or conflicting information becomes overwhelming.

The first step does not need to reveal the entire path.
What happens next can become feedback and input that helps you construct it.

Like receiving another clue in a treasure hunt,
the experience may reveal something you could not have known beforehand.

It may even point you towards a different path from the one you originally imagined.
That does not mean all your previous thinking was wrong.
It means you now have experience and information
that were not available before you took the step.

𝗦𝗲𝗹𝗳-𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲.

𝗜𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻
𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗻𝘀,
𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗶𝘁
𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲!

Comment “𝗡𝗲𝘅𝘁 𝗦𝘁𝗲𝗽” if this resonates with you.

𝗗𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗰𝗸 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗶𝗱𝗱𝗹𝗲?
You made a decision and found the courage to change something.
And now you feel neither here nor there.
This is the messy middle of change.

The old way no longer feels right.
But the new direction is not yet fully clear or established.

You may know that you no longer want to automatically say yes.
But saying no still feels uncomfortable.

You may recognise that a role, relationship or routine needs to change.
But you do not yet know how, or what you want instead.

You may be clearer about what is not working.
Yet still struggle to put into words or decide what would feel right for you.

This can be a confusing and uncomfortable place to be.
There is no clear before and after.

Change is not always a clean move from one certainty to another.
There can be this middle part which typically is
a period of noticing, questioning, trying something, adjusting and learning from what happens.

This can be a natural part of change,
especially when you are working on patterns or behaviours that have been with you for some time.

At times, fear and uncertainty can feel overwhelming,
and avoiding the discomfort may seem easier than continuing.
You may begin considering returning to what is familiar.

I hear you.
The feeling of being stuck and questioning yourself can be very strong.

It may help to ask:
What is clearer or already working?
What am I beginning to see differently?
Which decision genuinely requires more information?
And where might I be hesitating to move forward or persevere because it feels uncomfortable?

These questions can help you distinguish between thoughtful consideration and remaining in a familiar pattern because the alternative feels too uncertain or uncomfortable.

𝗜𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝘀𝘄𝗲𝗿.
𝗜𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗯𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗰𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗿 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲, 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗴𝗻𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝘆 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗺𝗮𝘆 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁.

Which part feels harder for you?
Letting go of what is familiar, or not yet knowing what comes next?

𝐈𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝, 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐬𝐨 𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞?
You may have known for some time that something needed to change.
You gathered your courage and took action.
And now you are asking yourself:
“If this is what I wanted, why don’t I feel better or freer?”

Let’s have a look.
Perhaps you took the plunge and changed jobs.
You began standing up for yourself and set a boundary.
You wanted to reconnect with yourself and started making more time for yourself.
Or you stopped automatically doing what other people expected of you.

You may have believed that once you made the decision and took action, you would feel better or freer.

And in some ways, you might do.
You found the courage to act on what matters to you.
At the same time, the change may not be going as smoothly as you thought and you might feel uncertain.

You may even begin questioning whether you made the right choice.
You could feel tempted to return to the familiar pattern.
Change does not only affect the specific situation you decided to change.
It can also affect your routines, relationships, expectations and how you see yourself.

Even when a familiar pattern was no longer working for you, it still gave you reference points.
You knew what other people expected.
You knew what usually happened next.
And you knew how to respond within that pattern.
Changing it removes some of that predictability.

The uncertainty is not automatically evidence that you made the wrong choice.
But that does not mean it should be ignored.

You can become curious about it.
What about this change feels unfamiliar or uncertain?
What actually led me to choose this change in the first place?
Is there a specific concern that needs my attention?
Or am I responding to not knowing exactly what happens next?

You do not need to argue yourself out of the uncertainty.
You can give yourself enough space to review the facts, reconnect with what matters and decide how you want to respond.

Relief, hope, sadness and uncertainty can sometimes exist together.
These mixed feelings can be a natural response to what is happening within and around you.
𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐚 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞.

𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍: Have you ever questioned a change because it felt more unsettling than you expected?