The Confidence Coach

Saying "put it on your wishlist" works effectively versus a frequent flat "no" because of how a child's brain processes desires, control, and validation.

YES, parents need to say “No” sometimes. Kids need to build frustration and disappointment tolerance.

And, for some parents, we hear “Can I buy this?” a lot… And if resentment builds up, the child’s reactions start to get louder. And sometimes, to keep the peace, parents give in… But giving-in consistently has long-term consequences for you and your child. It doesn’t give them resilience building practice…

Here is why this simple shift changes their reaction:

1. It Validates Their Feelings

A flat rejection can trigger a defensive response or a meltdown.
The Wishlist Effect: It signals that you hear them and acknowledge that the toy is cool.
“Oh yeah! You like this huh? What’s cool about it? …. Let’s put it on your wish list.”

[My son has me take pictures and we write it on his wish list when we get home.]

2. It Removes the “Immediate Absolute” in the moment. Many kids see shiny bright packaging and the dopamine loop starts to activate… There is no guarantee they will want it later after some weeks have passed and the immediate urge has subsided.

3. It Grants a Sense of Power

The Wishlist Effect: Writing it down gives them an active task, restoring a sense of agency.

4. When a child tends to be oppositional, an immediate “no” can make the urge stronger… The Wishlist Effect: It softens this experience.
IT CAN STILL BE A “No” for the parent long-term, but this ability to preserve, practice patience, plan for something, discuss later when less stimulated by the store environment, and practice emotional coping is really helpful for children.

5. Prioritizing wants: when parents really use the wishlist for birthdays, special occasions or Christmas, the child builds trust with their parent in that the wish list has validity and a real place. And when planning, parents can say they won’t get everything, so what is the top 2?

BUT THE WISH-LIST ONLY WORKS IF: ⬇️

You Front-Load the Conversation:

Discussing the wishlist concept before stepping into a store is the key. When a child is already looking at a bright, shiny toy, their brain gets that dopamine activation started. In that state, their logical processing is reduced. By setting the boundary at home, you achieve three things:

Emotional Safety: You establish a clear, predictable framework when they are calm and receptive.
Mutual Agreement: It changes the store dynamic from "Mom/Dad is denying me" to "We are following the plan we agreed on."
De-escalation: In the aisle, you can use a two-word cue ("Wishlist photo?") rather than a lengthy negotiation.

⚖️ Balancing Wishlists vs. Goal Lists

To prevent a wishlist from fueling pure materialism, it works best when it coexists with a Goals List. It’s not just about “stuff”. It’s about effort and contribution towards things too, like saving $$ for a trip to Disneyland, or climbing the highest wall at the climbing park, or doing a front flip in gymnastics, etc.

The "Gateway" Rule: High-tier items on the wishlist can be moved to the Goal List. If they want a major Lego set, the goal is to save half the cost. This teaches that patience and effort.

✅🙏🏽

A thing occurred between my two kids. One child came to me upset. Not completely dysregulated, but on the verge of tears. We could call this “the Yellow Zone.” I don’t need to go over who is right, who is wrong, or whose fault it is in the moment. What I need to do is empower the child to navigate something … to acquire the tools, the terminology or the words to support them in organizing their thoughts and experience … When our child still has some capacity (still able to connect, comprehend and communicate), and we provide co-regulating energy, we are still able to connect and provide powerful guidance in those moments. It is true that we cannot control the first initial yucky feeling that might come up when someone does something that crosses a personal boundary. But after that, we need to remember, we have agency and autonomy about what we do with the information we’ve taken in… I coach KIDS on various practices, including this one. When I was a child, I didn’t know I had a choice. I felt at the mercy of others’ negative comments . I recently coached an eight-year-old girl, who told me that some of her friends were saying negative things about her. In that one session, I asked her a question: “Do you have to believe them?” And she thought for a moment and she looked confused... She didn’t realize she had a choice! People can say things to us and then what do we do after that???

I’m a dancer and there is a strong parallel between dance and parenting and raising resilient kids…