05/10/2026
During September, I facilitated some practitioner sessions around coercive control and domestic violence. I asked the, mostly newish, practitioners when it’s most lethal for women who are victims of DV. Some knew it was when she leaves, others didn’t. The second most lethal period is when she’s pregnant, none of them knew that. Did you? Then I asked them when were the highest number of DV assaults. No one knew. There were lots of guesses; birthdays, parties, getting sacked. I clarified that I meant the highest number of reports of DV in the same period of time. Christmas and New Year’s Eve had the largest number of guesses. They were all somewhat perplexed when I said no, keep guessing. No one guessed. The answer is last weekend and this weekend because they are Grand Final weekends.
The largest number of DV assaults happen on Grand Final weekends. Brace yourself Australia, if the last couple of weeks wasn’t bad enough - it’s going to get worse.
I’m going to share my story, for the first time really, of when I was first assaulted by males. I was about 9. My mum sent me to the corner shop to get some milk after I got home from school. I will never forget, I was wearing my favourite burgundy corduroy skirt. This was the 1970s so the milk probably cost 10p or something. We lived in a small city in the north of England, not some hugely dangerous capital city. I went into the shop, was served by the adult shop keeper and got the milk.
I went outside, where a group of teenage boys who were hanging around, huddled me into the middle of their group and demanded I give them my change from the milk. I was terrified. They then assaulted me multiple times; pulling my long braided hair, punching and kicking me, I ended up on the ground whilst they were doing that, until I gave them what was probably 2p.
Then they dispersed, I got up and ran all the way up two massive hills to get home. Mum called the police who came and interviewed me. I don’t know whether the teenage boys were ever caught, no one told me.
But do you know what I remember the most? Not the assault, that’s got vaguer with the passing of time. It was the fact that not one single person intervened. I was right outside a set of shops. It was after school, there were adults inside the shop, outside the shop and driving past. I was 9 years old. No one intervened, no one got those boys off me, no one checked whether I was ok, no one rang my mum, no one rang the police.
That is bystander behaviour. Sometimes, usually, it’s not safe to intervene directly - but every single person can pick up a phone and call the police. It’s 2026 now, not 1976. No one has the excuse of not being able to find a phone.
This weekend - don’t be the person that stands by.
Next week - don’t be the person that stands by.
Next month - don’t be the person that stands by.
Next year - don’t be the person that stands by.
Just don’t ever be the person that stands by and does nothing.
As a post script - I’m trying to come to terms with AI so I described my real life story to chatty to create a visual - the image blocker, blocked the original request and came up with this more sanitised version. I asked it to make the child (me) look younger, create a street scene outside some shops and give me white socks instead of tights. The image blocker prevented any of those edits. Even AI is protecting boys and men who perpetrate harm and sanitising the experiences of women and children. Chatty did apologise for its insensitivity at sanitising my lived experience, which was something I suppose 🤨