Bromsgrove Forge FC

19/10/2026

18/10/2026

*BROMSGROVE FORGE FC 3–6 REDDITCH FC*

*18TH OCTOBER 2026*

*ANOTHER SUNDAY, ANOTHER NINETY MINUTES OF CHAOS*

Bromsgrove Forge welcomed Redditch FC for the first official league meeting between the two sides.

Both teams arrived needing a result. Redditch had suffered a couple of defeats across the two leagues they compete in, while Forge had endured a difficult few weeks of their own.

Something had to give.

And with two teams desperate to return to winning ways, there was every chance we'd be treated to an entertaining afternoon.

Nine goals later, we certainly got that.

Unfortunately, six of them went in the wrong net.

*TOP-ENDINITIS STRIKES AGAIN*

Before we'd even kicked a ball, Forge were dealt a significant blow.

Anthony Swain had been struck down by a mysterious illness.

Medical professionals remain baffled.

It's a condition that appears to flare up whenever Forge face opposition towards the top end of the table.

The official diagnosis?

*Top-endinitis.*

Symptoms include sudden unavailability, an inability to locate goalkeeper gloves and an overwhelming desire to recover just in time for the next fixture against somebody near the bottom.

Fortunately, one man answered the call.

*MY NAME IS EELES.*

Much like the television programme My Name Is Earl, Ben Eeles had decided it was time to put some good karma back into the world.

Except rather than making a list of people he'd wronged, Ben made a list of shots he wasn't going to let past him.

And he took that list seriously.

Stepping in under difficult circumstances, Ben produced a genuinely strong performance, showing confidence, bravery and a willingness to take responsibility.

Six goals conceded might not look particularly flattering on paper, but anyone who watched the game will know Ben certainly wasn't the reason Forge lost.

A really good showing from a player who stepped up when his team needed him.

*THE WARM-UP FROM HELL*

With the goalkeeper crisis resolved, the players were ushered over by our new fitness guru, Tom Sweetman.

Now, there have only been two occasions in my life when I've cried alongside Tom Sweetman.

The first was when I had the honour of being best man at his wedding.

A beautiful day.

An emotional occasion.

A moment I'll treasure forever.

The second was approximately seven minutes into today's pre-match warm-up.

Jesus Christ.

Tom had apparently decided that rather than preparing us for 90 minutes of football, he'd prepare us for selection into the Royal Marines.

Players were sweating their t**s off.

People were gasping for air.

A couple of lads looked ready to go home before we'd even started.

Was this beneficial?

Possibly.

Did we look fitter?

Absolutely not.

Within half an hour, several players were blowing out of their arses.

But Tom seemed pleased.

And ultimately, that's what matters.

*THE MISSING PIECE OF THE JIGSAW*

With Forge's famous diamond formation nowhere to be seen, Si Jones opted for a different setup.

Consistency in team selection has been difficult this season, with new faces and different players available each week.

One player who continues to prove invaluable is *Dave Sanders*.

Dave is like that missing piece of a jigsaw.

Not a corner piece.

Not one of the exciting pieces with somebody's face on it.

He's that completely plain, single-coloured piece that could genuinely fit anywhere.

Right-back?

Absolutely.

Centre-half?

No problem.

Central midfield?

Why not?

Today he started at right-back and produced another really strong performance in a position he isn't particularly accustomed to playing.

A proper team player who deserves recognition for his versatility.

Alongside him, the centre-back pairing featured *Shakewell "Slim" Graham and Alor Kuol*, with the Caveman occupying left-back.

*ALOR'S BABY WATCH*

Alor had slightly more than football on his mind.

With his girlfriend due to give birth at any moment, he was regularly checking his phone for updates.

Understandable.

A huge moment in his life.

A life-changing event.

Now, funnily enough, *Dan Brooks (me)* was in a very similar situation.

My partner is also expecting.

The difference?

Alor was anxiously awaiting news of his child's arrival.

I was anxiously awaiting the final whistle so I could get home and play *Rust*.

Two expectant fathers.

Two very different priorities.

*THE CAVEMAN — PART ONE*

At left-back, the Caveman was having an absolutely outstanding first half.

Strong in the tackle.

Committed.

Organised.

And looking considerably more comfortable in possession.

At one point, the Redditch striker appeared destined to race through one-on-one with Ben Eeles.

The Caveman had other ideas.

He came across with an absolutely crunching tackle that stopped the attack dead.

Beautifully timed.

Perfectly executed.

The sort of challenge that would've earned him a place on the walls of a prehistoric cave.

The Redditch striker, whose identity remains something of a mystery, would eventually score a hat-trick.

But during that opening period, the Caveman had him under control.

A genuinely excellent first-half performance.

Unfortunately, football is a game of two halves.

And we'll return to our prehistoric friend shortly.

*JARED LETTING HIMSELF GO*

In central midfield, *Matty Hill* was once again pulling the strings.

But there was something noticeably different about Matty today.

His man bun.

It was higher.

It was longer.

And frankly, it was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

A few people compared him to Jared Leto.

Personally, I thought it was more *Jared Letting Himself Go*.

Nevertheless, Matty continued working hard in midfield and trying to get Forge playing.

Alongside him was *Clarky*, a man who arrived at today's fixture with an extraordinary reputation.

*THE 25-GOAL CDM*

During Wednesday night's indoor football, Clarky had apparently scored *25 goals*.

Twenty-five.

Not five.

Not ten.

Twenty-five.

Naturally, this remarkable achievement had caught the attention of manager Si Jones.

Si was so impressed that he'd reportedly contacted the Football Factory and requested the footage.

He wanted to study Clarky's attacking movement.

Analyse his finishing.

Understand how one man could be so devastating in front of goal.

And after reviewing the evidence, Si made his decision.

*"I've seen enough. Stick him at defensive midfield."*

Outstanding.

A man scores 25 goals in one evening and is immediately rewarded with a position as far away from the opposition goal as possible.

This is the tactical genius we're working with at Bromsgrove Forge.

*FORGE COMPETE WELL*

Further forward, top goalscorer *Adam Kendall* started on the right, with *Daniel Cooper* leading the line and *Dan Brooks (me)* operating from the left.

And despite the changes, Forge started reasonably well.

Redditch enjoyed spells of possession and applied pressure, but Forge were organised enough to stay in the contest.

There were some good passages of play, with Hill and Clarky competing in midfield and the wide players looking to get forward.

It was an evenly contested opening period.

But Redditch eventually found the breakthrough.

A delivery into the Forge penalty area was met by a Redditch player, who directed his header into the net.

*0–1.*

A frustrating goal to concede, particularly after competing well.

But Forge responded positively.

*KENDALL FINALLY LEARNS THE OFFSIDE RULE*

One of the biggest positives this season has been the development of Adam Kendall.

Now, during the opening three fixtures, Adam appeared to be conducting his own personal investigation into the offside rule.

He was offside constantly.

At one point, I genuinely wondered whether he'd ever seen a football pitch with lines on it before.

But something has clicked.

Perhaps somebody bought him a rulebook.

Perhaps he watched a YouTube tutorial.

Whatever happened, he's been electric ever since.

And around ten minutes after Redditch's opener, Forge won a corner.

Up stepped *Dan Brooks (me)*.

Now, some people deliver corners.

Others simply put the ball into an area and hope for the best.

I prefer to think of myself as an artist.

A beautifully weighted delivery.

Pinpoint accuracy.

The ball floated over the Redditch centre-half, who appeared to have wandered into no man's land.

And there was Kendall.

Waiting.

Watching.

Ready.

He stuck his little head on it.

*GOAL!*

*1–1.*

A fantastic response from Forge and another goal for a striker who continues to improve.

Suddenly, we had momentum.

We were back in the contest.

And we genuinely believed we could go on and win the game.

*RANDY FROM MY NAME IS EARL*

Unfortunately, Redditch had other ideas.

Another delivery came in from a wide area.

The ball looped towards goal and sailed over Ben Eeles before dropping into the net.

*1–2.*

A disappointing goal, particularly after we'd worked so hard to get ourselves level.

But the most remarkable reaction came from the touchline.

*Nick Thompson.*

Nick was doing his finest impression of Randy from *My Name Is Earl*.

Standing there.

Looking bewildered.

And then suddenly berating absolutely everybody.

Now, Nick is a man with considerable footballing credentials.

Most notably, he's won a cup.

We're reminded of this approximately every 15 minutes.

But what Forge needed at that moment was a little composure and encouragement.

Not Randy Hickey conducting an angry tactical seminar from the sidelines.

Nevertheless, we reached half-time only one goal behind.

And despite conceding twice, there were positives.

We'd competed well.

We'd created chances.

We'd responded to going behind.

And we felt there was still plenty to play for.

*HT: BROMSGROVE FORGE 1–2 REDDITCH FC*

*SI JONES DOES DUA LIPA*

The players gathered for the half-time team talk.

We expected tactical instructions.

Perhaps a few adjustments.

Maybe a passionate speech about getting back into the game.

Instead, Si Jones decided to audition for *The X Factor*.

*"ONE KICK IS ALL IT TAKES..."*

Silence.

*"I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH THIS GAME..."*

Si had apparently been listening to Dua Lipa on the journey over.

Nobody knew quite what was happening.

A few players exchanged confused glances.

Somebody looked like they were about to join in.

But eventually, the music stopped and the manager got serious.

We needed fresh legs.

We needed to get hold of the ball.

We needed to be braver in possession and start putting Redditch under pressure.

And to be fair, it was a passionate team talk.

There was still belief that Forge could get something from the game.

Meanwhile, *Shakewell "Slim" Graham* was shaking his head.

And shaking his head.

And shaking his head.

Now, there are several things we could say about Slim's afternoon.

Quite a few, actually.

But we're not going to mention any of them.

Absolutely none.

*THE SECOND-HALF CHANGES*

Si made three changes at the interval.

Daniel Cooper, who'd had a relatively quiet first half, made way for *Danny White*, who moved out to the right.

Adam Kendall shifted into the number nine position.

In midfield, Clarky and Matty Hill were replaced by *Danny Roberts and Tom Johnson-Hosker*.

The intention was clear.

Get some fresh legs into the middle.

Compete for second balls.

Start moving possession with more purpose.

And for a brief period, Forge did look capable of getting themselves back into the contest.

Unfortunately, another mistake proved costly.

*REDDITCH EXTEND THEIR LEAD*

Around ten minutes into the second half, Johnson-Hosker did well to recover possession from the Redditch centre-forward.

Forge attempted to play their way out, but a return pass into a difficult area allowed Redditch to regain possession.

Their midfielder reacted quickly, found the forward pass and the hosts were punished.

*1–3.*

Another frustrating goal from a Forge perspective.

We'd worked hard to win possession back, only to surrender it again.

And against one of the stronger sides in the division, those moments tend to get punished.

At 3–1, we needed something special.

Thankfully, one man was apparently determined to provide it.

*THE SECRET FORGE AGENT*

Now, we're not going to name the Redditch centre-half involved in this next incident.

For legal reasons.

What we can say is that he's previously expressed a certain admiration for Bromsgrove Forge.

Some might even suggest he'd quite like to play for us.

Naturally, that had absolutely nothing to do with what happened next.

Danny Roberts found himself in possession out wide and produced a lovely delivery using the outside of his foot.

The ball curled beautifully into the penalty area.

And there was our mysterious Redditch defender.

He rose.

Connected perfectly.

And guided an absolutely exquisite header into the bottom-right corner.

Of his own net.

*GOAL!*

*2–3.*

A fantastic finish.

Honestly, if Adam Kendall had scored it, we'd still be talking about it at Christmas.

But the celebrations didn't end there.

According to one extremely reliable eyewitness, the Redditch defender then lifted his shirt to reveal a *Bromsgrove Forge badge underneath*.

He kissed it.

A beautiful moment.

A statement of loyalty.

A man finally showing the world where his heart truly belongs.

Unfortunately, nobody else witnessed this.

Only *Dan Brooks (me)*, watching from the left wing.

But as the author of this report, I can assure you it definitely happened.

And that's all the evidence anybody needs.

*BACK AND FORTH*

At 3–2, Forge suddenly had hope again.

We were back within touching distance.

A goal would bring us level.

And with the momentum shifting, there was a genuine feeling that something could happen.

Unfortunately, Redditch responded with another goal of their own.

*2–4.*

It was becoming one of those games.

Forge would produce two or three decent passes.

Redditch would do the same.

Then somebody would give the ball away.

Possession was changing hands constantly and the match was becoming increasingly scrappy.

And ultimately, Forge were contributing to our own downfall.

*THE CAVEMAN — PART TWO*

Remember that outstanding first-half performance from the Caveman?

The crunching tackle?

The brilliant defensive work?

The mysterious Redditch striker being kept under control?

Well.

Football can be cruel.

During the second half, Shakewell "Slim" Graham played the ball towards the Caveman in a dangerous area.

Unfortunately, there wasn't a great deal of communication about the striker lurking behind him.

The Caveman attempted to deal with the situation, but the ball ended up falling into the forward's path.

One-on-one.

Finish.

*2–5.*

A really disappointing goal to concede.

And particularly unfortunate for a player who'd been excellent earlier in the match.

But this wasn't simply about one individual.

Communication and decision-making across the back line needed to be better.

The Caveman had produced one of the best defensive moments of the afternoon.

And now he'd been involved in one of the most frustrating.

A genuine tale of two halves.

*THE RIGHT TO CENSOR*

As the second half wore on, *Danny Roberts* was becoming increasingly frustrated.

Now, Danny isn't normally somebody you'd describe as a hothead.

But today, something had changed.

It reminded me of *Steven Richards* from WWE's Right to Censor.

A man who'd decided that everybody around him was doing things incorrectly and that the only solution was to establish his own movement.

And slowly, the *Danny Roberts cult* began to form.

Players were nodding along.

Agreeing with everything he said.

Not necessarily because they believed him.

But because nobody wanted to be next on his list.

*"Yes, Danny."*

*"Absolutely, Danny."*

*"You're right, Danny."*

At one point, I was expecting him to start handing out white shirts and demanding we all join Right to Censor.

But in fairness, Danny was trying to get a reaction.

He wanted players to communicate.

He wanted standards to improve.

He wanted Forge to stop gifting opportunities to the opposition.

And he certainly wasn't hiding his feelings.

*JAKE OSBORNE WINS THE BATTLE*

One of the positives from the second half was the introduction of *Jake Osborne*.

Jake made a really good impact and found himself in a running battle with the Redditch striker.

Strong challenges.

Good competition.

Neither player wanting to give an inch.

And after reviewing the evidence, I think we can confidently say *Jake Osborne won that individual battle.*

Now, admittedly, the Redditch striker did score a hat-trick.

But that's not particularly relevant.

At Bromsgrove Forge, we don't allow minor details like goals scored to influence our assessment of who's won a personal duel.

Jake won.

End of discussion.

*THE SECRET AGENT STRIKES AGAIN*

Just when Forge thought the game was slipping beyond reach, our mysterious Redditch centre-half decided his contribution to the Forge cause wasn't quite finished.

With the ball inside the penalty area, he simply reached down and picked it up.

With his hands.

A penalty to Bromsgrove Forge.

Now, I'm not suggesting there's anything suspicious going on here.

Absolutely not.

There's certainly no corruption in this league.

And the fact that this particular defender has previously expressed an interest in joining Forge is entirely coincidental.

Naturally.

Up stepped *Alor Kuol*.

No nerves.

No hesitation.

He absolutely thundered the penalty into the top corner.

A fantastic finish that gave the goalkeeper absolutely no chance.

*3–5.*

Suddenly, Forge had given themselves another glimmer of hope.

And somewhere in the Redditch defence, one man was presumably wondering what else he could possibly do to help us.

*DAN COOPER TRANSFORMS*

Daniel Cooper had returned to the action during the second half, replacing Adam Kendall.

And at one point, he looked set to create a real opportunity.

Cooper picked up the ball and drove forward.

For a moment, it looked like he might break through on goal.

Then came the challenge.

And down he went.

I've never seen anything quite like it.

He looked like a *Transformer attempting to change into a deck chair*.

Arms everywhere.

Legs folding in directions they shouldn't.

A complete bundle on the floor.

Absolutely discombobulated.

It was difficult to establish whether he'd been fouled or whether Optimus Prime had suffered a mechanical failure.

And how did Si Jones respond to a player clearly in need of encouragement?

He substituted him.

Outstanding motivation.

*THE MOST SYMMETRICAL FACE IN FOOTBALL*

As the game entered its closing stages, Forge made another defensive change.

Shakewell "Slim" Graham came off, with *Tom Knights* introduced at right-back.

Dave Sanders moved across into centre-half.

Another position for the human jigsaw piece.

But we need to discuss Tom Knights.

Because there are some things in football that simply cannot be explained.

Lionel Messi's left foot.

Cristiano Ronaldo's athleticism.

And the extraordinary symmetry of *Tom Knights' face*.

Honestly, it's remarkable.

Every feature perfectly positioned.

Every angle balanced.

It's as though somebody created him using a ruler and a spirit level.

Sometimes we just stare at him.

Not because he's doing anything particularly unusual.

But because we're trying to work out how one man's face can be so perfectly proportioned.

Unfortunately, even facial symmetry couldn't solve Forge's defensive problems.

*ANOTHER GOAL GIFT-WRAPPED*

Forge continued trying to play football from the back.

And in principle, that's exactly what we want to do.

We don't want to simply launch the ball forward every time.

We want to be comfortable in possession.

We want to build attacks.

But sometimes, when you're under pressure, you've just got to get the bloody thing away.

A clearance from the back line failed to travel the required distance and the ball ricocheted straight back into the danger area.

Redditch reacted first.

The striker found himself with a simple opportunity.

And he made no mistake.

*3–6.*

Another goal that was largely of our own making.

And that was probably the most frustrating part of the afternoon.

Redditch were a good side.

They moved the ball well and had quality in dangerous areas.

But too often, we made their job easier than it needed to be.

*LOVE IS IN THE AIR*

There was, however, still time for one of the more romantic moments of the afternoon.

Danny Roberts and the Redditch striker became involved in a disagreement inside the penalty area.

The striker was adamant he'd been fouled.

Danny disagreed.

They moved closer.

And closer.

And closer.

For a moment, I genuinely thought they were about to kiss.

In fact, I'm fairly certain the Redditch striker leaned in for a little peck.

Danny appeared happy to reciprocate.

Although, if I'm being critical, I think Danny was preparing to use considerably more tongue than the situation required.

A beautiful moment.

Two competitors.

One shared passion.

And perhaps the beginning of something special.

*TOM FIELD — SHALLOW HAL*

We also need to address Tom Field, who somehow managed to miss an absolute sitter.

And when I say sitter, I mean the sort of opportunity where the referee should probably have started walking back to the halfway line before he'd even taken the shot.

It reminded me of *Shallow Hal*.

You know when Jack Black is completely oblivious to what's standing right in front of him?

Well, Tom Field was the exact opposite.

The opportunity was clear as day.

The goal was staring him in the face.

All he had to do was take her home.

Instead, Tom somehow managed to convince himself there was something better out there.

And just like Hal, by the time he'd realised what was right in front of him, the moment had passed.

An absolute sitter.

And one that Tom will probably still be thinking about when he's watching Shallow Hal tonight.

*RONNIE CORBETT RETURNS*

By this point, *Dan Brooks (me)* had decided he'd contributed enough to the afternoon.

I approached Tom Sweetman.

Then Si Jones.

Then Nick Thompson.

The message was simple.

*"Get me off."*

And on came *Lewis Arky*, making his first league appearance of the season.

Now, we've missed Lewis.

We really have.

Not necessarily for the reasons you might expect.

We've missed his energy.

His enthusiasm.

And most importantly...

*His completely unnecessary backheels.*

Lewis is our very own *Ronnie Corbett*.

A compact footballing magician whose low centre of gravity is almost certainly the result of being approximately four foot two.

And within moments of coming on, he reminded everyone exactly what we'd been missing.

Ball arrives.

Backheel.

Another ball arrives.

Another backheel.

Was the backheel necessary?

Almost certainly not.

Did it look good?

Absolutely.

And to be fair, Lewis actually created some promising moments, linking play well and trying to make things happen.

It was a welcome return.

Unfortunately, by that stage, the game had slipped beyond Forge's reach.

*THE MAKERS OF OUR OWN DOWNFALL*

At the final whistle, the scoreline made difficult reading.

*Bromsgrove Forge 3–6 Redditch FC.*

Nine goals in an entertaining contest.

But ultimately, another defeat for Forge.

And I think it's important to be balanced about the performance.

Redditch are unquestionably one of the better sides in our division.

They have quality players.

They move the ball well.

And they punished mistakes.

But I also think Forge gave them a more competitive game than they might have expected.

We got ourselves back into the contest on more than one occasion.

We scored three goals.

We created opportunities.

And there were some genuinely good individual performances.

Ben Eeles deserves particular credit for stepping up in goal.

Dave Sanders once again showed his versatility.

The Caveman was outstanding during the first half.

Kendall continued his goalscoring form.

And several players made positive contributions from the bench.

The frustrating part is that too many goals came from situations we could have managed better.

Miscommunication.

Loose passes.

Failed clearances.

And trying to play football in areas where sometimes the sensible option is simply to get rid.

But these things will improve.

This is our first season together.

We're still getting to know one another.

We're still finding our strongest eleven.

And we're still learning how to play as a team.

Of course, much of this could probably be resolved if *Nick Thompson organised a fu***ng social*.

We're halfway through October and the self-appointed assistant manager still hasn't arranged a proper team bonding session.

He's won a cup, apparently.

But can he book a table in a pub?

The evidence suggests otherwise.

*THE POLITEST LEAGUE IN ENGLAND*

One thing that continues to amaze me is the extraordinary standard of sportsmanship in this league.

A couple of weeks ago, we played what I genuinely believed was the politest team we'd ever encountered.

But Redditch certainly gave them a run for their money.

Another wonderfully friendly group of gentlemen.

Always happy to exchange a few words.

Always keen to make their feelings known.

And occasionally willing to engage in a romantic moment with Danny Roberts.

At this rate, we're going to need to rename the competition the *West Midlands Friendship League*.

A truly beautiful collection of human beings.

*POST-MATCH PEACE TALKS*

After the final whistle, tensions were still running a little high.

Nick Thompson had begun questioning the defensive performance.

Slim Graham wasn't particularly impressed.

A few words were exchanged.

A little back and forth.

And for a moment, it looked like the post-match discussion might continue for some time.

Then Si Jones stepped forward.

A man who had already attempted to motivate his players with Dua Lipa at half-time.

A man who'd watched his side concede six goals.

A man who knew exactly what was required.

He looked around the group and asked one simple question.

*"Shall we go to the pub?"*

Silence.

Then agreement.

Universal agreement.

The first tactical decision of the afternoon that absolutely everybody supported.

And off we trotted.

*WHAT'S NEXT FOR THE FORGE?*

Despite another disappointing result, there are still plenty of reasons to remain positive.

We're a new team.

We're competing against established sides.

And while the results haven't gone our way recently, there are signs of improvement.

The challenge now is to cut out the individual errors, become more consistent and start turning competitive performances into points.

Next up is *Tipton in the cup*, followed by a difficult *away league fixture against Stoke*.

Two more opportunities to improve.

Two more opportunities to show what we're capable of.

And hopefully two fixtures where we don't have to rely on an opposition centre-half scoring an own goal and deliberately picking the ball up in his own penalty area.

Although if anybody at Tipton or Stoke fancies doing the same, we'd be extremely grateful.

Ultimately, football is about enjoying ourselves, improving together and building something as a team.

We're going to have difficult Sundays.

We're going to make mistakes.

We're going to lose games.

But we'll keep turning up.

We'll keep working.

And we'll keep having a laugh along the way.

Because that's what the Forge is about.

And if all else fails, we've always got Si Jones singing Dua Lipa, Nick Thompson's imaginary assistant manager badge and Tom Knights' perfectly symmetrical face.

*UP THE FORGE! ⚒️*

*FULL TIME: BROMSGROVE FORGE FC 3–6 REDDITCH FC*

04/10/2026

*OLDBURY LIONS FC 3–0 BROMSGROVE FORGE FC*

*A TOUGH AFTERNOON ON THE ROAD*

Before getting anywhere near the actual football, a special mention has to go to our hosts, *Oldbury Lions FC*.

It's difficult to remember Bromsgrove Forge ever coming across a more polite, delicate and overwhelmingly friendly group of footballers.

Smiles everywhere.

Pleasantries exchanged.

A wonderful attitude towards the beautiful game.

Just 90 minutes between two teams who clearly wanted nothing more than a lovely, peaceful Sunday afternoon together.

An absolute delight.

I'm sure we'll come back to that.

*AN EARLY TRANSFER APPROACH?*

We hadn't even kicked off before Oldbury were seemingly making moves in the transfer market.

Their manager shouted across at Forge centre-back *Alor Kuol* and told him to hurry up, apparently mistaking him for one of his own players.

An innocent mistake?

Perhaps.

At Forge, however, we're classing it as *tapping up*.

We'll let it slide on this occasion.

To be fair, I've suspected for some time that Alor is actually a hologram from *Red Dwarf*, so perhaps from a distance the Oldbury manager simply saw this mysterious shimmering figure and thought:

*"We'll have him."*

Understandable.

But hands off.

He's ours.

*FORGE FORCED INTO CHANGES*

Forge arrived at Oldbury in far from ideal circumstances, with four late dropouts forcing Si Jones and Nick Thompson to shuffle the side considerably.

The familiar 4-3-3 remained, but several players were being asked to perform unfamiliar roles.

*Ben Eales* started in goal for his first competitive appearance between the sticks.

Last game's Man of the Match *Jake Osborne* was moved to full-back, despite it not being his natural position, while *Danny Roberts* partnered Alor at centre-half.

That also meant losing Roberts from the midfield, where he's previously given Forge another option on the ball.

Technically, Forge had *14 players available*.

Which sounds quite healthy.

Until you realise two of those 14 were manager *Si Jones* and Nick Thompson — a man who believes he's the assistant manager and will remind anybody within earshot that he's won a cup.

So realistically, Forge had two proper substitutes.

Not ideal.

But we had enough to compete.

And importantly, Forge didn't use the disruption as an excuse.

*KENDALL'S PRE-MATCH NUTRITION*

We also still had top goalscorer *Adam Kendall* leading the line.

Adam's pre-match nutritional routine did raise a few eyebrows.

While everyone else was stretching, warming up and generally preparing themselves for a game of football, Kendall appeared with a bag containing some form of powder and was throwing it back with extraordinary enthusiasm.

Now, none of us are qualified scientists.

But for legal purposes — and because we know Adam is a dedicated athlete — we'll assume this was *creatine monohydrate*.

An aggressive quantity of creatine monohydrate.

Whatever he'd consumed, Kendall looked ready.

*FORGE START BRIGHTLY*

Despite the makeshift side, Forge actually started well.

The midfield three of *Clarky, Johnson-Hosker and Tom Field* were brave in possession and looked to play forward whenever possible.

Clarky in particular was positive with the ball, while Field looked comfortable being restored to midfield following his brief spell up front.

Johnson-Hosker was also finding some useful spaces between the lines.

Rather than simply sitting back away from home, Forge were getting the ball down and trying to play.

One of our best early openings came when Danny Roberts clipped an excellent pass over the Oldbury defence for Johnson-Hosker.

Johnson-Hosker got onto it with Kendall and *Dan Brooks (me)* arriving to his left.

At this point, opening his body and having a quick glance across might have revealed two extremely attractive passing options.

Particularly one of them.

Johnson-Hosker had other ideas.

He attempted to chip the goalkeeper.

In fairness, we've seen him score that type of goal before, so you can understand the thought process.

Unfortunately, it didn't come off.

Dan Brooks (me), meanwhile, was providing a calm and measured response from the left.

By which I mean I was screaming for the fu***ng ball.

*THE CRYSTAL MAZE*

As the half progressed, Oldbury began showing why this was always going to be a difficult away fixture.

Their deeper midfielders started seeing more possession and they were particularly effective at identifying the space behind the Forge back line.

Rather than forcing things through the middle, they repeatedly looked for clipped passes into the channels.

For a while, *Alor Kuol and Danny Roberts dealt with it extremely well.*

The Forge management team, however, could see that allowing Oldbury to continually attempt the same pass was eventually going to cause problems.

From the sidelines came increasingly animated instructions from Si Jones and Nick Thompson.

Si in particular had moved beyond verbal communication and into a complex series of hand gestures.

From the pitch, it was starting to feel slightly like *The Crystal Maze*.

You've got the task in front of you.

You think you know what you're doing.

Then you've got several people outside the room shouting:

*"LEFT!"*

*"DROP!"*

*"NO, STEP UP!"*

*"BEHIND YOU!"*

Somewhere within those instructions was almost certainly the correct answer.

We just needed Richard O'Brien to appear with a harmonica and explain it.

*OLDBURY FIND THE BREAKTHROUGH*

Oldbury had started testing Ben Eales from distance, but Forge remained competitive and the game was fairly evenly balanced.

Then the hosts found the breakthrough.

Oldbury worked possession through the middle before clipping the ball into space for their right winger.

He attacked the space well and delivered a dangerous ball across the Forge penalty area.

The movement in the middle was good and the finish was clinical.

*1–0 Oldbury.*

Frustrating for Forge because we'd competed well up until that point, but a good move from the hosts.

The bigger challenge was how we'd respond.

That's something Forge have struggled with already this season.

When we're level, we tend to look composed and confident.

Once we concede, there's sometimes a noticeable change.

The football becomes rushed.

Players start trying to force things.

And suddenly getting back into the match feels much more difficult than it needs to.

A little bit like Tottenham Hotspur's seemingly endless struggles after conceding first.

Unfortunately, Oldbury took advantage.

*SECOND GOAL, SAME PROBLEM*

Around five minutes later, the hosts came again.

Their right-back found the winger, who once more attacked down Forge's left.

Jake Osborne was doing a job for the team in an unfamiliar position, but Oldbury recognised that area as somewhere they could attack and did it effectively.

The winger managed to get beyond him and played another excellent ball across the penalty area.

Their striker took a very good first touch before finishing.

*2–0 Oldbury.*

Two very similar goals in a short space of time.

From Forge's perspective, definitely something that should have been dealt with better.

From Oldbury's perspective, they'd identified an opportunity and punished us twice.

That's football.

*STAY DOWN, DAN*

The final stages of the half became more physical.

Dan Brooks (me) had apparently decided that if we weren't going to score before half-time, I could at least start irritating somebody.

I became increasingly attached to the back of one of Oldbury's central midfielders, with a few stronger challenges and a little bit of conversation beginning to creep into proceedings.

After one coming together, I ended up on the floor.

The Oldbury midfielder stood above me and offered the following compassionate advice:

*"STAY DOWN."*

Now, some might interpret that as confrontational.

I prefer to remember the exceptionally friendly nature of our hosts.

Clearly the man was worried about me.

"Dan, you've had a fall. Don't rush. Take a few seconds. Think about your wellbeing."

Beautiful sportsmanship.

I was genuinely touched.

*BLOOD, SWEAT AND FRIENDSHIP*

Shortly afterwards, I was quite literally touched.

In the face.

A knock to the nose left *Dan Brooks (me)* bleeding claret.

It looked considerably more dramatic than it actually was, although there was enough blood to briefly make it appear we'd accidentally wandered into a Sunday league remake of *Gladiator*.

Again, though, credit where it's due.

Oldbury immediately offered first aid and checked everything was okay.

Which was genuinely appreciated.

Even if it slightly ruined the narrative that these were the most terrifying human beings we'd ever encountered.

Forge managed to get through the remainder of the half without further damage, but there was plenty to discuss at the interval.

The frustrating thing was that *2–0 didn't really reflect how we'd started the game.*

For periods, we'd moved the ball well, competed in midfield and looked comfortable defensively.

But Oldbury grew into the contest, recognised where the space was and were ruthless when their opportunities arrived.

Two similar attacks.

Two good finishes.

And suddenly Forge had a mountain to climb.

*HT: OLDBURY LIONS FC 2–0 BROMSGROVE FORGE FC*

*NOBODY IS BEING SINGLED OUT*

At half-time, Si Jones was not happy.

The message initially appeared to be one of unity.

*"Look, I'm not going to single anybody out..."*

Excellent.

We're all in this together.

Win as a team.

Lose as a team.

*"BUT TOM FIELD... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"*

Tom had barely had time to process the opening sentence before being publicly selected as the one person who definitely wasn't being singled out.

Si's frustration centred around *Danny White*, who had apparently been standing open on the opposite side of the pitch for most of the first half while Field repeatedly attempted to clip balls towards Kendall.

*"Danny White is open EVERY SINGLE TIME!"*

Danny looked stunned.

Pale.

Almost emotional.

The expression of a man who had spent 45 minutes wondering whether anybody else could actually see him.

Tom Field looked like he'd just seen a ghost.

But before Si could finish, *Nick Thompson entered the conversation.*

*"Hold on, Si."*

Here we go.

*"You know me. I've won a cup."*

Of course.

How could we forget?

Nick had identified the problem.

Oldbury were causing Forge problems in the wide areas.

So naturally, as a man who has won a cup, Nick had devised the perfect solution.

*"Let's take off our wide men, play three at the back and get exposed a little bit more. See how we get on."*

Right.

So we're getting exposed out wide...

And the solution is...

*Have fewer people out wide.*

Everyone looked around.

Baffled.

Heads being scratched.

Maybe this was the sort of advanced tactical thinking required to win a cup.

The rest of us simply weren't operating on Nick Thompson's level.

Either way, there was no point getting on each other's backs.

The message was simple.

Get back out there.

Compete.

Try to get the next goal.

And somehow find a route back into the game.

*THIRTY SECONDS LATER...*

Oldbury free-kick.

Deep delivery.

Centre-half rises.

Header.

Goal.

*3–0.*

Excellent.

Whatever hopes Forge had of producing a dramatic second-half comeback had disappeared almost immediately.

And in fairness, it was another example of Oldbury being more clinical than us.

They created the opportunity.

They attacked the delivery.

They punished us.

At 3–0, the afternoon had gone from trying to rescue points to trying to restore some pride.

*CAVEMAN EVOLVES*

One man who certainly wasn't giving up was the Caveman.

Constantly shouting.

Constantly organising.

Constantly battling.

However, there had been a significant development since his previous Forge appearance.

*The Caveman has had a haircut.*

And I've got to say...

He looks fantastic.

The transformation is extraordinary.

He's no longer quite the prehistoric specimen we've grown accustomed to.

Evolution is happening before our very eyes.

He's not fully *Homo sapien* just yet.

But we're getting there.

Perhaps we've reached *Denisovan.*

Give him another couple of trims and by Christmas he could be using cutlery.

*GALLAGHER ENTERS THE ACTION*

Forge made changes as we attempted to get some control back in midfield.

*Mikey* came into the middle, while *Dan Gallagher* was introduced in place of Dan Brooks (me).

Gallagher's reputation precedes him.

Training-ground Gallagher is apparently one of the most technically gifted footballers in Worcestershire.

Matchday Gallagher remains a slightly different proposition.

He looked ready.

He looked enthusiastic.

He looked determined to make an impact.

Unfortunately, it appeared he'd left his football boots at home.

Gallagher was playing like he'd borrowed *Mad-Eye Moody's depth perception.*

One eye appeared to be tracking the football.

The other was monitoring something happening three pitches away.

The ball would arrive from one direction and somehow leave his foot travelling in another.

Nobody knew where it was going.

Including Dan.

But you cannot fault the effort.

And sometimes that's all you can ask for.

*OLDBURY TAKE CONTROL*

As the second half developed, the reality was that Forge were being beaten by the better side.

Johnson-Hosker and Tom Field were still trying to make things happen in possession, but the distances throughout the team had become too large.

The centre-halves were deep.

The midfield was trying to push forward.

The forwards were becoming isolated.

And Oldbury were finding acres of space between the lines.

They moved the ball better.

They looked fitter.

They won second balls.

And increasingly, Forge were chasing shadows.

There isn't really a tactical phrase required here.

*We were getting bopped.*

For all the jokes and frustration, sometimes you simply have to acknowledge when another team has got on top of you.

Oldbury had.

And thankfully, if you're going to spend your Sunday afternoon being passed around, it's always preferable to be passed around by such an exceptionally warm and friendly group of gentlemen.

Absolute sweethearts.

*CAVEMAN DOWN*

Then came a worrying moment.

The newly groomed Caveman went into a challenge before crashing down heavily onto his shoulder.

*BANG.*

For a moment, everyone assumed *Bam Bam* had arrived to help his father.

Sadly not.

That noise was the Caveman's shoulder introducing itself to the ground.

He stayed down briefly before eventually getting himself back up.

Thankfully, he appeared okay.

Well...

Sunday-league okay.

He hobbled away with a smile still on his face.

A warrior.

A beautifully groomed warrior.

*BROOKS' CONTRIBUTION*

It would be very easy for the author of this report to sit here and criticise everyone else's performance.

So in the interests of balance, we should probably discuss *Dan Brooks (me).*

I was pretty much non-existent.

There you go.

Journalistic integrity.

I spent a reasonable portion of my time believing I'd been fouled.

But given the impeccable sporting behaviour of our wonderful hosts, that surely couldn't have been the case.

Perhaps I simply kept falling over.

We'll never know.

Either way, it wasn't exactly an afternoon for the personal highlights reel.

Unless somebody happens to have footage of my nose bleeding.

In which case, send it over.

*RUNNING ON EMPTY*

By the closing stages, Forge were exhausted.

Not normal football tired.

*Ben Nevis tired.*

A couple of players looked like they'd just reached the summit carrying a fridge.

Legs were disappearing.

The distances between players became even bigger.

And Oldbury continued moving the ball around us.

It didn't help that conditions were apparently somewhere around *40 degrees Celsius.*

Possibly.

We haven't independently verified that figure.

But that's what it felt like.

The sun was shining.

The legs were gone.

The football wasn't particularly enjoyable anymore.

But what a lovely day.

And what delightful company.

At least we had that.

*KENDALL GOES FOR GLORY*

With around ten minutes remaining, Forge did manage to create one final opportunity to get something on the scoresheet.

A quick ball was played out wide and *Johnson-Hosker* picked it up in space.

He looked forward and threaded a pass through towards Adam Kendall.

It was asking quite a lot of Ad, but he managed to get himself onto it and suddenly Forge had bodies arriving.

Three of them.

*Three players open inside the box.*

The pass was on.

The opportunity was there.

Adam looked up.

Saw his teammates.

And naturally...

*Shot.*

Side netting.

Three Forge players stood inside the area wondering what might have been.

Kendall had chosen glory.

Glory had declined.

But Johnson-Hosker wasn't prepared to accept reality quite so easily.

*"NO! IT'S GONE IN!"*

Tom.

It hadn't.

Not even slightly.

The ball was quite clearly sitting against the outside of the net.

But at 3–0 down with ten minutes remaining, you've got to try these things.

And this wasn't even Johnson-Hosker's first attempt at bending reality that afternoon.

Earlier in the game, the ball had remained in play and Forge had somehow been awarded a throw.

Rather than quietly accepting our good fortune, Johnson-Hosker immediately began passionately insisting:

*"IT WENT OUT!"*

Yes, Tom.

We know.

The referee doesn't.

Stop helping.

But you've got to admire the commitment.

If the football isn't going your way, occasionally you've just got to start confidently announcing things and hope everyone else agrees.

*THE BETTER TEAM WON*

Ultimately, there wasn't much argument about the result.

Forge tried to change things.

Players continued working.

Johnson-Hosker and Field attempted to create.

Mikey came in and gave us fresh legs.

Gallagher gave absolutely everything, regardless of where the football happened to travel after making contact with him.

The Caveman sacrificed a shoulder.

And Adam Kendall very nearly scored a goal if you completely ignore the fact that the ball didn't go in.

But Oldbury were simply better on the day.

The third goal effectively killed the contest and from there the hosts controlled the game.

For Forge, it was one of those afternoons where nothing quite clicked.

Four late dropouts certainly didn't help.

Players were being used out of position.

The shape became stretched.

And eventually the energy levels disappeared completely.

But there are no excuses.

We were beaten by the better team.

*ELLIS AND LOU ARKY — PRIORITIES*

Before we finish, though, there are two individuals who deserve a special mention.

*Ellis and Lou Arky.*

While their teammates were away at Oldbury, running themselves into the ground, bleeding from various body parts and attempting to survive what felt like 40-degree heat, these two had unfortunately been ruled out of today's fixture.

Injury?

Family commitment?

Work?

No.

*They were on holiday at Aqua Sana.*

While Forge were getting bopped around a football pitch, Ellis and Lou were presumably wandering around in dressing gowns, selecting essential oils and deciding whether to squeeze in another sauna before lunch.

It would've been lovely to have them as part of the team today.

We certainly could've used them.

But unfortunately, some people have other priorities.

And apparently Bromsgrove Forge isn't one of them.

Enjoy the spa, lads.

*Hope the cucumber water was worth it.*

*FINAL THOUGHTS*

A disappointing result, but probably a fair one.

Forge had good spells, particularly early in the game, but Oldbury were more clinical when their chances came and eventually took control.

With four late dropouts, players filling unfamiliar positions and effectively only two genuine substitutes available, it was always going to be a difficult afternoon.

But those are the days you learn from.

We'll regroup.

We'll go again.

And hopefully next week we'll have slightly more energy, slightly more depth and significantly fewer players relaxing in dressing gowns.

And if there's one positive to take away from a 3–0 defeat, it's that we've now discovered the most wonderfully polite, considerate and charming group of opposition players in the entire West Midlands.

They told us to stay down.

They rearranged my nose.

They attempted to sign Alor before kick-off.

And they did it all with such warmth.

*What an absolute pleasure.*

Meanwhile, Ellis and Lou are probably having a massage.

*UP THE FORGE! ⚒️*

*FULL TIME: OLDBURY LIONS FC 3–0 BROMSGROVE FORGE FC*