The Path 2U

I just read this full article and it’s equally as applicable for daughters… she gives very wise advice - bottom line “work on yourself” I totally agree with her, your relationships are arguably the most important things in your life, so investing in them, by being able to understand and manage your own triggers, needs, beliefs, reactions, behaviour and attitude is key. Realising you can only control yourself - your thoughts and actions, no one else’s and getting comfortable with that, unlocks everything.

As a momma of two boys, 29 and 27, it’s been a steep learning curve in building a healthy relationship with both. I also have a 25-year-old daughter, and our journey has been easier, albeit challenging in its own ways at times.

My oldest son is also married to our lovely daughter-in-love, and they have a beautiful 10-month-old daughter, our first grandchild. My heart is mush, and a polaroid of this moment in time would confirm our family life is good and abundant in every way.

The road to a healthy relationship with our grown sons can be long and windy
The truth is life wasn’t always bliss for our family of five. In fact, it was deeply painful, unnerving, chaotic, disheartening, frightening, and angsty for a good stretch.

This was partly because I lost my way for a time, partly because my kids lost their way, and somewhat because my husband and I had some very painful seasons where we were underwater gasping for air.

But our family mostly struggled because I didn’t know what the heck I was doing.

Do any of us?

And it wasn’t my cluelessness that caused the suffering. It was because I berated myself for being clueless and ‘screwing things up.’ As if the guilt I swallowed for doing my best with what I knew would somehow make what I didn’t do on purpose feel better. The guilt caused more suffering, more confusion, more anxiety to get it right, more mess.

Do you see the madness here?

The pressure to get everything right in motherhood is challenging
I don’t know about you, but I was on a mission to achieve perfection in motherhood.

Somehow, I thought I could waltz into this gig and figure everything out without any training, self-awareness, emotional intelligence, or experience.

As a mere 27-year-old with three kids, still adjusting to adulting, let alone mothering, I was hellbent on making sure my kids never had to endure any of the painful things I experienced as a child.

My biggest obsession was being everything my parents were not.

Welp. That didn’t happen.

What did happen was a whole lot of learning and unlearning. Motherhood is the most epic personal development tool on the planet. The OG of self-discovery. And here are a few things I learned along the way that helped nurture my relationships with my boys (and my daughter).

Nine Tips that Helped Me Have a Solid Relationship with My Grown Son
In the end, my kids have made me a better human. That’s the greatest gift I didn’t see coming as a young mom. I’ve learned to give myself a tremendous amount of grace and even more to my kids. We are all finding our way and doing the best we can.

Many mothers mention that having a relationship with your grown kids, especially your grown son, can be challenging. Here is what has worked for our family.

1. Work on yourself, work on yourself, work on yourself

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Midlife women juggle so much, they are there for everyone, but often feel like they are slowly losing themselves... this is one question that can help crack open the idea that amidst the chaos of life, there is still room for you. What small thing would help you this weekend?

“Every single thing you do today is something your 90 year old self will wish they could go back and do” - this is the opening line to this podcast I’ve just listened to and want to share with you. SO many brilliant gems in this one, from the discussion between Dr Rangan Chatterjee and his guest, Sahil Bloom, author of a new book, “The 5 Types of Wealth” which I now have on pre-order!!

Highly recommended, take a listen, I promise you it will be worth your time…. and let’s share our insights and aha moments!

How To Change Your Habits, Achieve Your Goals & Live A Contented Life with Sahil Bloom #517 Podcast Episode · Feel Better, Live More with Dr Rangan Chatterjee · 29/01/2025 · 1h 59m

Oooh! Does that make you still and think???

You start dying slowly
If you do not travel,
If you do not read,
If you do not listen to the sounds of life,
If you do not appreciate yourself.

You start dying slowly:
When you kill your self-esteem,
When you do not let others help you.

You start dying slowly:
If you become a slave to your habits,
Walking every day on the same paths…
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colors,
Or speak to those you don’t know.

You start dying slowly:
If you avoid feeling passion
And their turbulent emotions—
Those that make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.

You start dying slowly:
If you do not risk the safe for the uncertain,
If you do not chase a dream,
If you do not allow yourself,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice.

Don't let yourself die slowly.
Do not forget to be happy!

~ Pablo Neruda
Chilean poet who was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1971

What are you really afraid of, that is holding you back from taking that next step?

“What’s your greatest fear?” they ask
We answer right away
But what we’re really scared of
Isn’t what we actually say

‘Cause we’re not scared of flying
But of falling from the sky
And we’re afraid of failing
But we say we’re scared to try

It’s not that we’re afraid to want
But that we’re scared to lose
And we are not afraid to ask
But scared we’ll be refused

We’re not afraid of water
We’re just scared that we could drown
And we avoid the climb
In case we plummet to the ground

We’re not afraid of caves
But of the things that lurk inside
And it is not the dark we fear;
It’s the monsters that it hides

But if we’re scared of trying
Then we’ll never know success
And if we’re scared to hear a ‘no’
We’ll never hear a ‘yes’

If we’re terrified to lose
We’ll likely never win
And if we’re scared of drowning
Then we’ll never learn to swim

So take the deepest breath
And show the monsters you are brave
And maybe you’ll find treasure
In the darkness of the cave

Take the biggest step
And climb the mountain to its peak
Stretch your arms out sideways
And then take the biggest leap

‘Cause, we’re not scared of anything
Except of getting hurt
But life without a little risk
Is not what we deserve

And we can’t miss out on living
‘Cause we’re all too scared to die
For if we’re afraid to fall too hard
We’ll never learn to fly

******

Becky Hemsley 2023
Fabulous artwork by Jorge Mascarenhas

"Greatest Fears' is from Letters from Life https://amzn.eu/d/hre52WW

How beautiful & meaningful are these words?!! If we could love & value ourselves more and judge & berate ourselves less, how much happier & content we would be! ❤️

If one day we swapped places -
I was you and you were me
I wonder what it is that both of us
Would actually see

I wonder if you’d notice
How your smile lights up your face
How when you walk into a room
You brighten up the place

I wonder if you’d see the way
You always make the time
For those who seek you out because
You’re patient and you’re kind

And maybe I would notice
How I always stand my ground
And how I lift up those I love
When they are lost or down

Perhaps I’d notice how
I’m quite content all by myself
And how I’m always there for others
When they ask for help

And if you felt your patience
And if you could see your smile
If I could help myself
And feel my kindness for a while

Then maybe we would understand
We cannot be defined
By all that we fixate on
In our mirrors and our minds

Yes, if we both swapped places
And had someone else to be
Perhaps we’d come to realise
There’s so much we cannot see

And maybe in the moments
You were me and I was you
We would see why people love us
And we’d learn to love us too

*****

Becky Hemsley 2023
Lovely artwork by Page Lilas Blano

'Trading Places' is from 'Letters from Life' https://a.co/d/cX3wuDC
and is also on my website as a free downloadable print.

This is me, at the monthly Lyme Bay Ladies Connect meeting where I led a discussion entitled, "Why change is inevitable, and how to embrace it".

We discussed how change can be HARD, regardless of whether the change is seen as positive or negative, even if it is wanted, needed, expected or a total surprise, change can be challenging to ACCEPT and even more difficult for us to TAKE ACTION to change ourselves!

And of course, we recognised that it all depends, meaning that some types of change feels easy, whilst another can completely blindside us.

We had such an interesting discussion where some personalities in the group saw change as exciting, others generally feel motivated to manage the change and others are more cautious, scared or worried about change, preferring things to just stay the same. We assessed the reasons for these feelings, and I shared some explanations of UNCONSCIOUS thoughts, feelings and reactions that occur when we are facing a change and their potential causes.

We also reflected on all of the changes that happens around us, all of the time, many we just take for granted, but when we pause to consider all of the different types of change we have already been through, we can realise that change IS THE ONLY CONSTANT and by looking back, we can also NOTICE our patterns over time toward change.

Wouldn't life be easier if we could accept change as normal, letting go of EXPECTATION and instead going with the flow (knowing we can and will survive what life throws at us, as we have done up to now!).

My belief, from working with many different women, is that to help ourselves with change, we must first REALLY GET TO KNOW OURSELVES. As women, we are good at being busy, serving others, looking after their needs and putting ourselves last. We've been conditioned by society, our upbringing, our culture and our experiences to do things in certain ways. We don't stop to think about who we are and what we need. If we can spend time being curious about our beliefs, values, thoughts, judgments, triggers, reactions, habits, motivations, regrets.... if we can check our inner talk and question the stories we tell ourselves...then we discover the ability to choose who we want to be, how we want to live, the impact we have on others, how to fulfill our needs, what makes us happy, what things we want to change and how to make changes that give us the impact we want and deserve, to live a life with no regrets.

Check out my full article on CHANGE which provides useful information about how we deal with change and my top tips on how to embrace change, it's on my website: https://www.melaniedawescoaching.co.uk/articles Let me know what you think about it, I'm sure there's one or two gems for everyone to consider!

If you're wanting to make a change, or struggling with dealing with a change, there's no need to stumble along by yourself - let's have a free introductory chat to explore how I can help you.

Love this… always take a moment to check in, even the strongest people you know need help at times. Being strong is exhausting and draining. In fact, those people may not know they need help or how to ask for it ❤️

“But it made you strong!”

How often we are tempted to say this to someone when they’ve been through a difficult time.

And it may well be the case.

But chances are that they are feeling anything but strong. They are likely feeling
exhausted
shattered
weak.

And they need someone who recognises that. Someone who - for just a while - can be the strong one for them. Can offer them a shoulder to cry on and an arm to support them.

Yes, when they feel like that, they need to rest.
They need to recharge, recoup and regain the strength they’re being told they have inside of them.

Because what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. But it sometimes very nearly kills us -
exhausts us
shatters us
weakens us.

They didn’t want to have to be strong.
They wanted life to be kinder.

And as it wasn’t, it might help them more than we realise

If we bring the kindness instead.

******

Becky Hemsley 2023
Beautiful artwork by The Art of Jennifer Yoswa

‘Kindness’ is from 'Letters from Life' https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CHL9MZC1?ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_7MHZ6PG9GJY53219VD1T

Its International Day of Happiness!

Find out what makes you happy, and do more of it!

What have you done today to find happiness?? I’ve been to an art class and took my dog Ellie, and afterwards we went for a lovely walk in nature. I’ve connected with friends and soon I’ll be going to watch my daughter sing ❤️

There’s so many ways to be happy, if you decide to be happy - what do you do??

Beautiful words… a great reminder to take time to stop, reflect & breathe. And shake off all of that messaging and noise that keeps you small - you are amazing just the way you are! X

‘She sat at the back and they said she was shy,
She led from the front and they hated her pride,
They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance,
They branded her loud, then were shocked by her silence,
When she shared no ambition they said it was sad,
So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad,
They told her they’d listen, then covered their ears,
And gave her a hug while they laughed at her fears,
And she listened to all of it thinking she should,
Be the girl they told her to be best as she could,
But one day she asked what was best for herself,
Instead of trying to please everyone else,
So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees,
She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves,
She spoke to the willow, the elm and the pine,
And she told them what she’d been told time after time,
She told them she felt she was never enough,
She was either too little or far far too much,
Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak,
Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek,
Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs,
And she stopped...and she heard what the trees said to her,
And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave,
For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe.’

Author: Becky Hemsley Poetry

We all have challenges at some point or another, some big, some small, sometimes they are sudden and quickly over, other times they are huge, shocking and pull the rug from under our feet...

Maybe it's something insignificant like a car pulling in front of us, or someone knocking a glass over, or perhaps it's an unkind word or a selfish act. Yet it could be something devastating like the death of a loved one, a break-up or a serious diagnosis...

Whatever it is, do you consider who do I want to be in this? Or do you react immediately with emotion and at times harsh words or physical acts? Do you sit and ruminate, going over why, thinking how badly done to you are, allowing anger and resentment to take over, a bad or low mood to set in?

What if you considered things another way? I like to think that life gives us lessons and they are an opportunity to grow, to get to know yourself better, to work out who you want to be, to do better, to be better.

I love the words, "I am world where you can be anything, be kind" but this also means being kind to yourself. Giving yourself time, grace, compassion, love and understanding to allow you to make choices and take actions that are in your best interests.

If you react without thinking, there can be regret. If instead, you take time to think first, most times you come up with a better way of being for yourself and those around you. How could things be different if you gave yourself that gift?

What do you "have to do" or what do you "get to do"?

I was reminded of this distinction the other day by another coach. Reframing what you think is a powerful way of feeling better about things you are facing. It's useful to consider your inner talk and assess whether you have a negative slant to things, and if so, how can you reframe the thought.

For example, "I have to make dinner again tonight" could become, "I get to cook a healthy meal to enjoy with my partner/family" OR "I have to go to that meeting tomorrow" could become, "I get to go to the meeting where I can influence the outcome to my advantage" OR "I have to do some exercise" could become, "I get to do exercise which helps me manage my stress and I know I'll feel better" OR "I have to make a phonecall which I'm dreading" could become, "I get to make the phonecall which may be difficult but once it's done I can forget about it".

Try to catch yourself saying "I have to..." and see if you can reframe it. It really helps you to feel lighter about the issue and even a little grateful that you can do the thing at all!!