UCL Lacrosse

The season wouldn’t be complete without one final match report…

VARSITY 2026

Our last match as a team couldn’t have gone better, beating our favourite rivals 20–9.

The day began with a trek (a “London” varsity with a KT postcode… make it make sense). But after a tube, a bus, and a final walk, we arrived at Berrylands.

A slow start saw us lose the first quarter: no surprises there, as a solid warm-up wasn’t exactly this year’s captains’ strength (one for next year). At this point, though, we’re used to being behind early, and a handful of squidgy snouts later and we were back on top. 🐽🐽🐽

From then on, it was a full team performance built around one simple tactic: get the ball to Zi. Our resident unc did not disappoint, delivering a standout performance and keeping the opposition firmly on edge.
Anna, Lily, and Libby also got on the scoresheet… so maybe blondes really do have more fun. 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️

A special mention to our four freshers on their varsity debut, all of whom put in performances to be proud of. We’re gassed to see how they develop next season. It’s going to be loose. Only once Léa has seen the physio and bought a different colour tape, of course. 🤕

Winning was clearly the mantra of the day, as following the on-field victory we also stormed the boat race. An apt start for the celebrations that continued on the tube (sorry commuters). A quality win calls for quality afters, and so following team pizzas we ended the night at Camden’s best – The Ice Wharf.

As we close the season, we also say goodbye to Ella, Abi, Anna, Lily, Issey and Zi. Your contributions to the team have been huge, and you’ll be greatly missed. We wish you all the best for what’s next.💜💜💜💜💜

Thank you as well to everyone who came to support. It means a lot and made the day even more special. >>>>KINGS

And with that, varsity is done for another year.

KCL, your sign may have read “United Cucks of London”… but we think “United Champions of London” suits us better.

Oh and I think you need to change your bio?

SEE YA NEXT YEAR

These varsity profiles wouldn’t be complete without introducing FARMER.

It is no surprise that this 7ft giant is captain, as she does everything her (superior) captain does. She copied her school, university, sport, club, and degree. It’s a shame she wasn’t also blessed with the leadership skillset. Her motivation consists of shouting at everyone the whole time for being rubbish whilst hiding behind the role of “bad cop.”

You may hear a lot of chat about being the better captain, but ask her — has she ever found a ref, booked a pitch, logged onto BUCS or filled out a travel reclaim? Makes sense though, as she was probably revising for the exams her worthier captain managed to pass three years ago.

Now Anna’s third year looks a little different to before, helped by her quick trip to Harley Street 😉😉😉 She is no longer the plastered fresher necking the men’s lacrosse team at Curry. No, no, no — her type now is men only available in 72-hour intervals. When picking the varsity squad, Anna had a wealth of experience swiping yes and no. She’s cancelled more trainings for a Hinge hook-up than she’s attended. Although when she does come, she can be sure to be a strong bridge between team and coach — her talent is handling two people at once, of course.

On a serious note, nobody can fault Anna’s on-pitch skills. She is one of the top goal scorers in UCL lacrosse history, and her ability to cradle a ball is only second to Bonnie Blue. However, King’s should know this girl never says “sorry”, so expect no apologies as she pings the balls into the net.

Come on Sunday to see Anna’s last day playing in purple!! After all, next year she levels up to play in blue… anything better than red, I guess.

INTRODUCING CAPTAIN LIV

Everyone please put your hands together for UCL’s best defender and somehow captain this year. Although she must have rigged the AGM, as we all know Farmer won on popularity.

This shawty certainly knows how to dish out a few bruises to King’s players — not sure I’d call it great defending, but it seems to do the job 🫠 She’s also fancied herself a bit more of the spotlight this year (think it’s the result of being outshone by her co-captain) and begs it in attack every now and then …

Can someone please let her know that being 4ft nothing means she is the least dangerous attacking player ever.

When Liv isn’t speeding down the pitch, you can most definitely find her getting loose in Mully’s with the plan to make it to Scala (that almost never materialises). Even the Mully’s bouncer has had enough of her antics — quite literally calling a RUMS meeting to ban the ‘disgrace’ that was Liv on her 21st bday. Let’s just say I’m glad she’s a medic so she can self-diagnose liver failure in the early stages before it gets too bad.

When she does manage to make it to Scala, her hopes are set high with the promise of a kiss and a cuddle (what a lucky girl 😊😊) Of course tho, she is only really satisfied with 20 chicken McNuggets or a stop off at King of Falafel for some cheesy chips to finish the night.

Let’s hope she pulls up to Varsity sober this year, otherwise we are cooked (and I’m signing her up to AA)

We are all excited to see Liv storm the pitch on Sunday. Secure your tickets for tomorrow to see UCL’s captain attempt to lead by example.

Introducing Mia our favourite lacrosse non fresher, because despite this being the first year any of you know her, she bought the membership and dipped before the first training last year.

Now our lovely goalie actually started out as an attacker before she got put in goal for a match against Exeter, but has been M I A after a concussion worsened by a few too many at the IOE bar.

Our newly single queen is on the look out for her new man. A good old drunk smash or pass unfortunately ended in a 1 year relationship, but if she’s learnt any lessons, check the id card. The student id card. Hence you might have found her abandoned at king of falafel at 4am on her birthday after our favourite South Wales/Cardiff warrior was no where to be found!

Since hinge has proved unsuccessful, she’s turned to the residents of phineas. But for all those lover boys our girl unfortunately is not ready to settle down, shown by her love of a good FaceTime with her friends during a date. Who is next, not any of the medics cause she’s banned from mullys after a one day performance.

Although she may be the smallest of the lax dwarfs, you’ll definitely hear her before you see her. Come on Sunday to see her save those goals and show kings what she can do!!

K*ngs, be warned - breaking through our defence this year is looking unlikely. With Leila at the back, attackers may as well just turn around.

She shuts down attackers, forces turnovers and if all else fails? Simply stands in the way. Most notably she fully blocked a shot with her leg. Some call it bravery, others call it questionable decision-making but either way she took it like a champ. Her commitment doesn’t stop there. As she chose to spend her birthday the only way an elite athlete would, playing a match.

Off the pitch, Leila has become somewhat of a style icon although ‘icon’ might be generous. Rarely seen without her St Catts joggers, she’s been loyally repping her school team at every possible opportunity. At this point, we’re not convinced she owns any other trousers.

We can’t wait to see what she brings this varsity - relentless defence, zero fear, and (though unlikely) maybe a new pair of trousers.

Now onto the fresher D. Starting with LÉA

Despite battling multiple injuries this year, Léa is ready to take the pitch with some agressive defence - her yellow card on Wednesday was just a preview of what’s to come.

Though her short stature may not be the most intimidating, her RBF certainly is, with opponents being said to “scurry at the sight of her”.

Don’t let her calm nature fool you, or you might just be on the receiving end of a stealthy check.

Come down to Berrylands to catch Léa storm the pitch!!

Next up for the defenders …. SUBOMI or as the real ones know her BUME

Subomi is one of the best defenders and one of the best Scala warriors. Drop a comment if you have ever been pushed over by Subo in Scala. On the pitch, you wouldn’t even know which position is her speciality because she can play everywhere.

Fingers crossed for a Varsity hat-trick… although knowing Subo, she’ll intercept a pass, run the entire length of the pitch, score, and still have the energy to argue with the ref after. That RBF she carries? Terrifying. Kings players won’t know if they’re about to get tackled or judged. 😛😏💅

Possibly the best singer on the team, known for her incredible slides, being best friends with Bobby and leading the mixed lacrosse team. Leads who exactly? Or is it just Subo appointing herself captain of a team that shows up once every three business months? Chuck it on your CV though😍

Highlight of her career: not a goal, not a win but fully panicking when a small dog ran onto the pitch. Elite athlete against humans, fails against dogs. Gotta do some exposure therapy at puppy yoga soon 😍🐶🐕

Lowkey though, Subo is one of the hardest working players and is a true live, love, UCL lax, which is shown through her specially made UCL lax stick coloured purple and white! And to see her monster neon pink giant shoes. 😍

So come to Varsity to watch Subo: intercept everything, shout at everyone, ignore all positional structure, and somehow still carry. Kings won’t know whether they’re being outplayed or just aggressively inconvenienced.

Song - spin bout you

⁃ Dramatic reactions in pitch
⁃ Scared of big dogs
⁃ Be our guest bume

Next up is our favourite overloader … Eesha

This girl may be a resident defender but she likes to take her spot in the limelight in the attacking third every once in a while. Just to prove that she can do more than just bruise people. She is an avid member of the lax dwarfs and when she’s not body blocking the opposition you will find her in cruci, roxy, mulley’s and most importantly getting loose in scala.

Now the real questions are:
1. Will she remember anything from the night? Not a chance.
2. Did she send drunk videos to the gc? Most definitely.
3. Did she end the night inhaling mozzarella bites like it’s her last meal? Duh.
4. Was she spotted beefing a football boy? 100%

But don’t worry she’s broadening her horizons now , get your applications in lads. Preferably from a new society. Preferably someone who isn’t in**ed. And if we are being optimistic maybe this one will make it past the three month trial period. Let’s be honest the only thing Eesha defends harder than the goal is her emotional availability.

Rumour has it she had to exile herself from tennis to wfc. She’s getting through each rums society one by one, we wonder which one she would have moved on to by 6th year? Criteria for anyone wondering:
⁃ healthy bank account
⁃ must love Ubers
⁃ can supply a drunk cig
⁃ thick skin

We are pumped to see our future 1s capt tearing up the pitch and showing Kings what she can do. GET YOUR TICKETS NOW.

Wrapping up the middies: our resident American Ella Barry

Watch out Kings, consider this your official welfare check because Ella certainly wont be doing one this sunday. After a year of running the show as president, Ella has graciously stepped down to welfare sec, a role she is embracing with the same energy as she brings to s&c (reportedly: non-existent).

After years of stubbornly planting herself in defence, it took several interventions for her to transition to midfield, an area she truly shines in. She may clock off early in the welfare office but on the pitch she is relentless, a true all American workhorse who never runs out of energy. Kings, you’ve been warned.

Get yourselves down to new malden this sunday and witness it firsthand.

It’s a pleasant surprise that we once again get to introduce you all to Issey Mais this year. As a newly qualified doctor, it was touch and go as to whether this speedy midfielder would be free to leave King’s in the dust once again.

Issey is a truly dedicated member of the team, having been here so long we get muddled as to what Varsity this is… 6–7 (🤷‍♀️) perhaps. She never gives up and will fight for every ball. I suppose that’s the stamina of someone who has studied tremendously hard to earn £14 an hour.

It wouldn’t be a UCL match without Issey taking the draw whilst being cheered on by her unwavering entourage on the sidelines. Take a page out of their book and secure your tickets for Sunday.