RUMS Men's Hockey Club

INTRODUCING SKIPPER OMAR “SALAH? NEVER MISSED IT SINCE I WAS 14” MAHROOF

I say “skipper,” but in reality, we’re talking about a slow, painful, short-of-breath-on-a-slight-incline shuffle-er. The only time you’ll catch this Sri Lankan powerhouse skipping is when the chip shop closes in 10 minutes, and he needs to shift into second gear—Rahkeem Cornwall style.

former pre-diabetic now current diabetic, Omar proves that with grit, determination, and 2.5-/+ Honey Packs, you can improve any aspect of your game (both on and off the pitch). A Kegel Exercise Champion, the only thing big “O” can’t maintain for 10 minutes is not getting up close and personal with the opposition’s D—slipping a couple in while maintaining eye contact (top 10 most respectful moments).

A double-board-certified Munch, when he’s not getting dragged by V, he’s V dragging the ball at speeds only rivaled by his Mecca outing for some much-needed redemption after a heavy stint at “Loverpool” (top 10 most romantic moments). The purpose? To reaffirm two undeniable truths:
1.⁠ ⁠He’s an absolute blaaddy legend.
2.⁠ ⁠Refer to point 1.

With a BMI carefully curated over two decades, Omar suffers from the rare yet debilitating “Phantom Hamstring Syndrome.” Also coined “I need attention, give me attention now disorder,”and “Congenital Unreliable Bastard Syndrome,” this condition frequently lands (s)Meggy Mahroof at left back (at the amputation clinic due to low metformin compliance and severe inactivity). Fear not as advanced hydrotherapy (tug in the bath) keeps this greasy geezer in just enough shape to mash a ginger.

So jog down as “O-mar gawd, look at the size of that (aerial)” Mahroof once did (pre-self-neglect), to watch him put the other far less attractive, funny, intelligent, wealthy, and tall curly-haired captain into an absolute spliff.

Strengths:
•⁠ ⁠(Occasional) desirable vasodilation
•⁠ ⁠Unshakable faith/devotion to Islam
•⁠ ⁠Rapid self-exploration
•⁠ ⁠Mashing gingers (RIP Scot Tennorman, 20+1/03/2025)

Weaknesses:
•⁠ ⁠The Type (iykyk, nuff said)
•⁠ ⁠Having a personality outside of The Type (iykyk, nuff said)
•⁠ ⁠Leading the circle
•⁠ ⁠On-offer Twix bars
•⁠ ⁠Off-offer Twix bars

If you have ever played Fortnite with this man, you know he loves a cheeky solo squad clutch in main building of Tilted Towers.

A word of advise for the GKT midfielders, don’t come tryna ga****ng my boy. He is well acquainted with the b****ke and will fight back with the OG season 4 double blue pump right hand-peek Mr. Savage style.

Although previous years have seen him have Mongraal level crashouts on the pitch. This season he has treated his shoulder like a clutch slipping it in and out of 2nd gear on command. This has meant he has only got into one “F**k You” matchup this year.

The only thing GoonerGoyal can slip in and out of quicker than his glenoid labrum is his clothes.

Famously, Sachin “I am a pussy” Goyal came to a match injured and still decided to shower with the fellas after. And if any1 can sort me the Taste of India Drummond Street cameras circa 2020+, you will be heavily rewarded for such images.

Nothing but dedication (zero life outside of hockey) from this man. How he will survive as a doctor - we will never know.

This year Sachin is ready to give it his all:

•⁠ ⁠Has he got a haircut? No.
•⁠ ⁠Has he become less autistic? No.
•⁠ ⁠Has he been banging the physios M**F wife as a stress test for his rotator cuff? Most definitely.

Having this man back in the team is like finding a gold scar and a full stack of minis or like calling in an attack helicopter on Shipment.

Come down to Lee Valley on the 21st to see this man wreak havoc on the pitch. Securing a varsity W upon his final game for the boys.

Likes:
shouting ”*** IS A HOLE “
Refreshing DP
Getting Naked
Taking Naked Photos

Dislikes:
Hash
LUSL
Connor playing UH
Not farming p-flicks

Ito is only in the team bcos I have had a crush on Ankith since 1st year (accept my follow request pls). Unlike Ankith, Ito is small, has a perm and wears some ugly ass gumsoled AirForces everywhere.

Ito used to be a nobody both at school and at uni, he followed in the footsteps of his master— S. Goyal. Since putting on the baggiest of baggy trousers in 4th year when S. Goyal (made of glass btw) “rolled his ankle” Ito stepped up as Senior Vice Captain; only proceeding to break his hand at the start of the game. This left him with “Phantom W**k Syndrome” — ask Anish if you are unsure. Anyways, as mentioned in Suyash’s profile, this has since manifested into a crippling form “Pull it, Twist it, Bop it Syndrome” with the only cure being RangeelaGirl showing up to Southgate on a Wednesday. Unfortunately for Ito, just like Atharv, Suyash doesn’t like to share his food - boy that was a mouthful (lol).

He has channeled his inner the past 2 years and I would now describe his hockey skills as actually quite [redacted to avoid ego overload].

Since Leeds, Ito has become quite accustomed to 3mans off the pitch - he also did Maths iBSC so here are some stats for you:
- 3-man merk (n=1) —> (n=0). Degrees of Freedom for the fella getting locked up = zero
- P value hacking his pp (p < 0.0001 inches)
- Not sitting on the Cuck chair at 2A Southcote road tonight - 1000/1 odds

On the pitch his 3 man of choice is commanding the back line into a back 3 making our game so liquid SQ**RT SQ**RT

Come down on the 21st March and I am sure you will NOT hear Ito telling you about his right-to-left drag in Guy’s Bar and he DEFINITELY won’t try to rugby tackle you.
Likes:
Running 1
Going 2nd in the 3man
UNIQLO airism Tee
Slapping Zak Ahmad
Women taller than him

Dislikes:
Guys that use FaceTune
When they just rock up on Leeds Tour -
Aldehyde Dehydrogenase
That Sachin is better than him

Will Learmount is going to make an excellent surgeon in the future, I cannot wait for him to get a Varsity win on debut.

Replacing JayJizzyRizzyRazdan as the token non-medic of the team is no easy task. However, Will brings 2 main strengths to the team:

•⁠ ⁠He is dating a GKT member, providing top-tier insider intel.
•⁠ ⁠He studies Geography, and as such this mental disability along with a SoRA gives him all the time in the world to go on special op. missions.

Will’s covert ops report is as follows:

•⁠ ⁠Give it to the lumpy CB and chuck it (he graduated last year but BUCS doesn’t need to know that - nor the freshers).
•⁠ ⁠Immense head loss when Baldy Baldy hard carry is no longer there to hard carry.

Mr. Pigden (Mr. P) does have a side hoe unfortunately, that is Saturday Football. He decided that the s***f rockets weren’t for him, but, much like his Saturday League captain, he has embraced cheating (on football this time) and become a committed hockey member.

Luckily for Will, he has hit the jackpot.

His special op missions training to break through GKT’s lines off the pitch will surely translate onto it. He has silky smooth V drags - encapsulating everything that is longshore drift. Thalweg level speed, used in glacier-esque cutting runs makes this man unstoppable in the forward line.

Unlike his Japanese teamates in the team, Will is mixed - this means he is immune to Asian flush. Will is able to sink an unreal number of pints without batting an eyelid which unfortunately means he is boring af on a night out.

Get over to Lee Valley on the 21st March to see him meander the ball into the back of the net ( ) and hopefully (🤞🏾) crack a smile when he’s had a couple beerskis.

Likes:
Ignoring his flatmates
Backstick Goals
Kagawa

Wataru Endo

Dislikes:
Open Goals
Ito

Hi guys GoonerScorer here 60 second snippet scoring a gooner, but you can just call me Yuta.

Me personally? I’d rank myself up there top 2 ho****st blokes of all time, and its not number 2.

Unfortunately, i’m not quite as chiselled as the real SchoonerScorer and therefore have spent many a night sleeping on my front porch in Finchley after my parents lock me out in pure disappointment that there 23 year old son is still going SCALA, despite the arranged marriage they set up for me back in the homeland.

They forced me to leave UCLHC over the summer, saying its not worth getting GMCd talking to freshers (Jono take notes pal - your bordering 30). Honestly? They were right tbh. Alas, I simply cannot resist the thought of 3 for £10 jaegers and getting papped by the Scala photographers on a Wednesday with a grin ear-to-ear after walking past one of the UCLWHC members. (I gave them a side hug, LFG!)

On a realskiiii tho, I can’t wait for the 21st March. I heard GB was the biggest night of the year and that there are some girls watching so I’ve been hitting the gym and have an unreal hit now - calmskiiii

Yuta ‘I’m still in love with my ex (UCLWHC)’ Sato signing off!

Likes:
UCLWHC

Loves:
UCLWHC

Gagging For:
A mixed social with UCLWHC

Eshaan—is there anything this man cannot do? He’s played in more positions than Bonnie Blue. If you didn’t know he’s also a real trooper—unlike Tom Roberts who whinged about a chesty cough for 2 months. Eshaan actually had a pneumothorax (once).

“Fair play to Eshaan Ghei tho went from doing his 2nd year summatives with the ICU consultants to kicking ball with Martial in his gaff - proper sound geeza aswell.” Even made an appearance on the Whitt Twitter page.

As education sec this year—our tactics have never been so liquid. Unlike Suyash, he actually does a great job off the pitch aswell. Anish famously thought all the 2nd years were doing a great job in their learning due to the shift Eshaan has put in.

Eshaan has a unique running style which cannot be taught - some call it the T-Rex. Come down to Lee Valley on the 21st March to watch Eshaan waddle his way into the D and bury one bottom left.

Likes:
Martial Dude from TikTok
Passing 2nd year from ICU
Education

Dislikes:
Whittington ICU Twitter account
People that fail 2nd year - “just put the fries in the bag bro.”
Yuvy

Inevitably Suyash is going to repost this on his story so I can’t write the things I want to write about his questionable decisions in a F**k Marry Kill on the Liverpool tour bus. From my POV it would DEFINITELY be older (iykyk).

Suyash never fails to bring his better half to matches and, thankfully for Ito’s bedtime routine activities, manages to stay out of the dancing IG stories. *F*pJourney

Where Suyash lacks in height, he makes up in bringing 5 big booms to everything. He is one of those indians that had to grow up in Birmingham until they were 18 and this really reflects in his maturity. Unfortunately as welfare sec this year, the club has never been in a worse place (I am joking — he is doing a FANTASTIC job). He really (fails to) encapsulate what you would expect of in a welfare sec; a mature, respectable and reliable individual ( **kKES).

However, on the pitch, this little oompa loompa scurries around like a V-ed up mongoose epitomising all that he lacks in welfare ability. Some of you may be familiar with Suyash’s goal sobriety. I am pleased to announce that he has infact relapsed (much like Ito in the build up to Rangeela) and is now able to bins goals again.

Get over to Lee Valley on the 21st March to see Suyash distract the SU from his subpar (joking?) actions in his committee role this year by relapsing on the pitch once again and binning a reverse

Strengths:
Bullying
Verbal Abuse
Physical Abuse

Weakness:
Taking action as Welfare Sec
Comforting and supporting a younger year going through a tough time
Performance while Ito watches from the cuck chair

When you think of a stud you think you don’t often imaging a man sat one leg crossed over the other gently itching the under side of his chin as he mellows over what temperature his bath tonight should be set at.

Luckily for Jacopo he is the Italian Stallion version of Theo James and has even more of a s*x appeal than Krish’s sister (Tom wrote this profile).

His rough upbringings in the suburbs of Surrey/Harvard Business School has meant that he wants to diversify his genepool and has chosen Aussie womens as his next target. He went to Australia Christmas for some ‘1-to-1-tutoring’ - mighty long journey if you ask me. But tbf to him he came back saying a few more words than last year.

His first of which were:
”Best friends are hard to come by, because the best one is already mine”

Simply inspirational stuff from Jacopo. However, on the pitch he remains a baby faced assassin, with the ability to skin you on command. Come down to Lee Valley on the 21st March to find out.

Likes:
When they have a Boyfriend (but they are on a year abroad in Italy)

Dislikes:
When they have a Boyfriend (Australia)

Dillon Gorman - the love child of a Bene Gesserit esque kingdom of investment bankers and creative directors in London. Unlike Paul Atreides, Gorman does not have “the voice” and instead of his first words being “mama” or “papa” it was in fact “do you accept my Gold AMEX”.

Before this year, his (mother’s) AMEX and his admins wizzardry coined him the ‘god sec’. However, this year El Presidente has used his AMEX to get some hockey lessons and has (shockingly) become quite good, covering every inch of the pitch. Expensive stem cell therapy only available to Old Brightonians means he’s got stamina for days 😉.

Alas, even miracle medical treatments cannot protect him from the mental toll of dealing with the likes of Tom “I am a sensitive f**k— you better not say anything mean about me” Roberts as his Treasurer. They are often pictured squabbling both on and off the pitch.

Unfortunately, money does not by style. Outside of shirt (obligatory Ralph Lauren) and tie you will most likely find this man in skin tight jeans and some paul smith trainers—its not 2008 pal. Nor does it buy moves, if he is sober enough to get into GB I am sure you will see him with his tongue out hitting some weird version of Fortnite’s greatest dance move—the Orange Justice.

Come to Lee Valley on the 21st March to find out if Mummy’s lessons have paid off, or if you want a free VK in GB

Likes:
Snorkelling a bottle of wine
Not getting let into Roxy
Getting an Uber back to his old address

Dislikes:
Getting an Uber back to his new address
Staying awake on the 390
Deodorant

Paul is from Bulgaria, coming from a lineage of BalkanBangers only meant one thing— BulgarianBreedMaster9000 was destined for greatness.

He acquired the inability to close his legs directly from his ancestors, this has seen him ship many a goal through said hole in his legs in previous years. Crowning him “The Hologram”.

However, since his BulgarianBoneRaiser left him for a year to “find herself”, Paul was forced into BulgarianBootySnatching retirement.

Instead, he used his time to get to Ito levels of BulgarianBust-Nut streaks when a new Rangeela video drops (see Suyash’s profile et. al 2025).

During this notably trying and testing time, Paul emerged with an absolutely world-class right arm. This has meant any shortcorner going right is lightwork for him given his hand and stick co-ordination is next level.

You ask about his left hand? Can’t tell you what he was doing with that on here 🍒

But do not fear, because there is a handsome, muscular, sun-glistened SriLankan sat at left post (although he hasn’t had to do anything all season simply cos Pauline is GOATED).

A clean sheet is inevitable for Pauline. Although cannot make any promises for the BulgarianBlaster in GB toilets keeping his (DuoLingo) streak alive.

Come down on the 21st March to see Paul in action against some s**t GKT PC left side injection one-two variation. That skipper Carl Wheezer inevitably mistraps.

Likes:
Saving Short Corners
Skipping Sportsnight
Free VKs

Dislikes:
Year Abroads
Jacopo (no explanation needed)

This man embodies what it means to be from North-West london. Atharv does s**tty little dance tiktoks, wears s**ttyl lil MTS and Rangeela merch everywhere, is never on time to a Wednesday PB cos he was part of Ministry clean up crew sitting in a rented Urus the night before and lives at home with his parents.

Living at home must mean this man has so much money to spend, right? Not the case for BigMasherMeshram. Unfortunately, his SFE is all instantly spent on a wholesale box of 8 dot snus and a bajillion portions of 6 wings and chips.

His 1st year antics crowned him “TS”, since then TS now stands for:
THIS SH*T-tastes so fu***ng good right now, can i please get another chicken bhuna, lamb bhuna, prawn bhuna, mushroom rice, bagga chips, keema naan and 9 poppadoms.

As a proper North-West London boy the only thing he likes sharing is girls from the same friendship group so he will actually be eating this all himself.

The day Atharv adds a new Biceps Femoris to his takeaway order he will be an unstoppable force!

Come to Lee Valley on 21st March to see BigMasherMeshram mash the ball top bins and drop some Saucys/Jashn/Rangeela moves in Guys Bar.

Likes:
Starters
Mains
Desert
+ Kebab on the way home for

Dislikes:
The generational cut
Ritwik

After millennia of inbreeding amongst ‘inhabitants’ of the South West of England (unsure if they can be called that given Jono is also from there?), the region was cursed with the physical abomination that is Tom Roberts.

BigT is everything Jip Jansen wishes he was—tall, blonde, and can put a drag flick top corner on command… oh wait. Where he lacks in brains, he makes up for in brawn, proudly claiming to have developed “pythons” for biceps. He has certainly put these to good use this season (referring to pushing them against his hands to make them look bigger in the photo—do not be fooled!).

Unfortunately it wasn’t always like this. When he got diagnosed with Marfans at age 12 (a direct result of inbreeding). Big Jane Roberts reached out to yours truly (el capitan) for a make a wish; his one dream is to bins a flick in 69th minute of varsity and proceed to wreak havoc in GB.

I said ”Sorry babes I’m not Comic Relief I need something in return 😉”
Head out the gutter pal-not that kind of favour 😔 (I wish).

Anyways, struck up a cheeky deal and guess who’s going to Glastonbury this year? Me! And guess who has developed a handy knack at binsing goals from top D this season out of nowhere, TRobbo himself.

Come down on the 21st March to see him put his so called “PYTHONS” to use and tear a hole in GKT’s net or to ask him about what Marfans is as most of GKT are either History of Art students or not very good at medicine.

Likes:
Honey Packs
Pills and Percocets 🎵
McDonald’s post Scala (sweet curry sauce limited edition 🤭😉)
PDE-5 inhibitors

Dislikes:
Engorging of the corpus cavernosum and corpus spongiosum
Effective parasymapethtic-mediated vasodilation
Adequate nitric oxide release
Pelvic Floor Exercises
Not throwing temper tantrums
Dillon Gorman