Flow and the Dane - Gorgeous Pilates and Tango Studio

Something is starting to shift in tango over the last couple of months. Something different is brewing, and on the surface it’s starting to result in a multitude of widely publicised events or posts about misconduct in tango. Perhaps some sort of awakening is starting to happen, or a tango-me-too movement but I certainly can feel something changing. I can also feel it in me.

I am not at all surprised or shocked by what I’ve been seeing or reading about tango professionals lately. The big news is that this came out publicly, one name was named, another name was seen. But none of this is a surprise, most certainly not to a large proportion of women in tango. Many of us women, if not the majority, have experienced some sort of misconduct or even abuse. I have been through a few experiences myself, for example when I was repeatedly kicked during practice hours while we were working on giros. The leader, instead of slowing down and trying to figure out together with me what was going on and how to fix it, lashed out on me, calling me incapable and getting angrier and angrier, and as a result kicking me even more. Another time, another dancer, during a class I was taking from him, was clearly having an er****on and kept on breathing heavily into my ear, which made me, at that time still very inexperienced follower, frozen with shock and fear. And many more situations like these.

Why do we as women freeze in these moments, why do we stay silent and just hope this passes? Because that’s what the more disadvantaged being does, to minimise the risk as to not provoke aggression or increase danger even more. Most of us women know this feeling of freezing, sometimes before we run away (leave the class, quit a partnership etc) but also, very often, we don’t flee and remain in the freeze state. The minimisation state, the state of “as long as I don’t do anything, don’t say anything, and don’t provoke, maybe things will be ok”. And what we also very often do in these moments is blame ourselves: did I do something to cause this? Was I indeed incapable, did I indeed instigate this reaction, did I somehow lead him on? The self-blame and the freeze state together make us incapable to confront the person in the moment, and afterwards, when some time has passed, it feels wrong to revisit the situation because, again, “what if I misunderstood everything? What if it was nothing and I’m making it all up in my head?”

And then, there’s always the fear of repercussions in case we confront the perpetrator. Always. Very often the perpetrator is a well-known man with his name and “tango legacy” behind him. Even the no-big-name tango dancers and teachers have strength on their side: they target the less experienced, the less knowledgeable, the younger, and as a result still have the upper hand.

Some time ago I publicly named someone who was physically tripping women while dancing with them, telling them they were bad dancers, and gave them his contact to “teach them how to fix their dance”. There was a backlash, of course, and many people still, to this day, dislike me, including women. They felt it was unethical and wrong to expose someone like this, despite this person having been warned multiple times and even escorted out of some milongas prior.

Why is it that the society likes to close their eyes on abuse, and is very quick to find excuses and forgiveness for the perpetrators? Sometimes all it take is a couple of weeks, or a “sorry”, and everything is forgotten?

The shift that I feel in tango, as I wrote in the beginning, is in the strength and support of women. There’s more community feeling among women. There’s more solidarity and less silence. There’s more “I know how it feels sister, and I’m here for you” between us. I feel less alone, and I am grateful to women for standing up for each other and, even more, for lifting each other up. We no longer compete with one another (at least some of us don’t) as we used to, for the scarce resource of good leaders in tango. Instead, we warn each other about men who have hurt us. We give a hand when one of us falls, and we share the joys and the griefs of tango life with each other.

And here comes my big, very big discovery: I have spent my whole tango life waiting for men. For a male teacher to teach me. For a male dance partner to work with me. For male dancer to invite me. For a male partner to practice with me. For a man to feel patient and curious enough to train together. For a man to choose me.

It was always about waiting for a man, because without a man, I was not a dancer. I was not a teacher.

I still see this. I regularly see women asking men to teach them, when these men can barely dance. I see women tolerating temper tantrums and disrespect because they don’t want to lose their dance partner and remain partnerless.

And seeing this, having been this woman myself, I decided I didn’t need this to continue for me. So now I study with female maestras or with men/couples who respect me. I stopped waiting for a male dance partner and decided to work with a woman, building a couple with Judit. I decided to no longer tolerate disrespect or disregard for the sake of keeping the waters calm.

And you know, my life is significantly better now.

Things are changing.

In the last two weeks I have had the pleasure to directly observe and experience the difference between good European tango and good Argentinian tango. First I was in a festival, where a few top European couples performed, as well as an Argentinian one, and then of course I danced a lot with European dancers and last week, I had the unexpected pleasure of practicing for 1.5 hrs with an excellent Argentinian dancer here in London. So it was a great possibility to see the differences and enjoy two different approaches to tango, side by side. Please note, I don’t like to say “compare” because I’m not really a fan of judging, just observing and enjoying different things.

I noticed that European tango is a lot about beauty of movement and it’s somewhat more cerebral, it’s often more analytical, it can be explained and expressed with exact words. European tango dancers move beautifully, and it can be mesmerising to watch the complexity and the precision of their dance. The pleasure of European tango is experiencing of millions of details that can be lead and followed, or co-created by partners.

Argentinian tango is more raw, and it takes its guidance from music. Argentinians move because music tells them to. Precision is less important, complexity of movement is less important than following the flow of music. As a result, tango becomes an experience of feeling, and the beauty of tango is in its ability to express music and the rawness of human animalistic emotion.

We all know that tango is different, and over the years, I personally had the privilege and pleasure to enjoy some of the best of both European and Argentinian tango dancing. But it was the first time that I had a chance to directly, almost simultaneously observe the differences as a show spectator and as a dancer myself. And I have to say, I love both. I love to have both, not only one, and to let both enrich my dance and my life.

Gracias tango ❤️

I dare say that 10 minutes of mindful, fully switched on, brain and body engaged, absolutely conscious tango work will do significantly more for our tango skills than 10 classes of “I show up to my classes and do some sequences week after week”.

Same goes for social dancing.

What’s missing in the current tango community development is mindfulness. We are all dancing mindlessly, sometimes even hysterically, without actually letting the tango sink in deep and truly change us. I call it “tango consumption”, and I’d love to see more people shift from consumption to depth and internal expansion. I’m guilty of it too, I notice when I start consuming, that’s why I say “we”.

How to tell we are consuming? We dance to exhaustion. Physical exhaustion, mental exhaustion. Why do we do this? Because we can’t get enough, because nothing that we do is “enough” for us.

So if you notice you can’t stop and stop only because you’re tired or milonga is over, ask yourself: what am I dancing for and about?

I’m back and I’m making changes: I’ll be teaching a lot more tango and a lot less pilates.
So if you’re keen on working with me, I welcome leaders, followers and couples for tango training! ❤️

I have always felt that there’s no need for modern women to complain about inequality. Honestly, we have exceptional education (recently the amount of educated women has surpassed men), we have rights, we are respected, we can have family whenever we want or not at all, we earn well, we can achieve all that we want. I have NEVER agreed with women’s complaints about lack of equal opportunities. I seriously saw myself absolutely equal without any questions. I want something? I go and get it. You want something? Go and get it. Simple. It’s all possible.

And then I started leading in tango, taking up a role that is overwhelmingly reserved for men. Recently I became more known not just as a good follower, but also as a decent leader. People noticed.

And things have changed.

It’s the VERY FIRST TIME in my life I have tapped my toe into something that is the domain of men. I’m far from being the best leader in town, and yet I feel the power that male role has, at least in tango. Let me share with you the experiences so far. And this is just the beginning.

1. I feel more respect from men. It’s a subtle shift that most men probably don’t realise themselves, but in classes for example, when I say something to a leader, give a correction, or in a non-educational conversation with a male friend off the dance floor, I feel they listen to me with more attention and respect. My view and opinion (about tango at least) suddenly became more valuable.

2. Women started writing me to ask to practice together or to partner up. In milongas, I feel women’s eyes on me and often, there are requests to dance together. I love that fact that I am becoming a good enough leader to elicit such requests but it also became abundantly clear how different things are for leaders and followers.

So what I have to say about all this is the following: men in tango at least still have the upper hand. I only lightly tapped into “the man’s world” and I’m still a woman, with female energy and physique, and yet I feel strongly the power that good leaders have in tango. It’s an enormously powerful role and I’m no longer surprised that so many men, unfortunately, lose their humanity and humbleness and become, frankly, jerks. Power can currupt. And men have so much power in tango! Good leaders even more so. Good leaders who are good looking on top of that - I can now fully imagine what that means for them and the amount of admiration and attention they get from women. And I can also see how that can make them choosy or arrogant. It’s not their fault, it’s just the reality of social dynamics.

This brings me to the following conclusions:

1. If a woman wants to be in her full power, she should become a good dancer in both roles. If she only wants to be a follower that’s fine, but she has to become really good to enjoy her role to the fullest. She has to become the kind of dancer that most men want to dance with, not a follower that has to sit and wait for someone to choose her. Men simply have too many women to choose from. Women who write them privately. Women who offer themselves to them. Women who are really really good. Competition is high, unfortunately, and no matter how sad it is, the reality is that women unknowingly compete with each other for the attention of men, and many of the “battles” happen off the dance floor. So we collectively as women have to become really good. We have to learn our worth and stop putting ourselves down by raising men to be on pedestals. Learn to lead, ladies. Learn to do it well and not as a way to combat men but as a way to be dancers who are absolutely equal. I’m not talking from the point of view of bitterness but from the reality I’m observing, now dancing in both roles.

2. Men, you hold an immense power. Just by being a man in tango, you hold an enormous advantage. It doesn’t matter how you look, it doesn’t matter what your age is, your weight or ethnicity. You have the power. Women want to dance with you. So if you don’t get dances, given the implicit power you have simply by being a man in tango, then you’re probably not a good dancer yet or you’re not skilled in using your power. You want to dance more, you want to get requests to practice and partner up and more? Learn to lead well. Take classes, study, work on yourself. You have a lot of power, too much, unfortunately, so learn to harness it. If I, being a woman, and a decent but not yet amazing leader, get requests from women - guess how much more power you have by already being a man in tango, sunce most women like masculine energy in the dance, that I can’t provide! Just you being a man in tango means you can get almost endless dances. So if you’re not, ask yourself: should I study more, maybe?

This may be a very controversial post, and will likely ruffle some feathers, but I would like for all of us, women and men, to think about these dynamics. I am lucky to get access to both sides, so I wanted to give you all some food for thought. I’ve been contemplating this for some time already. And I think it’s important to speak up.

Photo by Rex Boyd, I’m dancing with my female partner Judit Matyóka

Leaders,
Can you please share with me what specifically you love about leading in tango? What does dancing give you, what exactly is the joy and pleasure about?
As a leader, I am looking for my voice and place. As a follower, I know it. But in leading, I’m still searching.

Followers, to dance well we must 1) learn how to align our bodies well; 2) learn to use standing leg well.

Leaders, to dance well we must 1) learn how to align our bodies well; 2) learn how to create direction.

I know what it’s like to face difficulties in trying to invite a follower. I know what it’s like to have your cabeceo ignored, or rejected. Leaders, I know it better than you think, because when I want to lead, all followers see me as a woman and therefore, by definition, fundamentally as another follower. I know what it’s like to look at a follower, smile and tilt my head, and see her shake her head in a very obvious “no”. I know what it’s like to look at a follower, and see that she doesn’t realise I’m trying to invite: I’m just another woman staring at her for whatever reason. Or, most commonly, not to have anyone look at me at all, skipping me altogether in their search for the next partner.

I know what many think:

“I don’t like dancing with women”

“She’s a woman and I want only male energy, it’s just not the same”

“I’m not sure, maybe I will manage to get a man instead”

“Some other women I’ve danced with didn’t feel that great, so maybe she’s not that great either”

“No woman will ever lead like a man”

And so on.

And yet, I still persist in using cabeceo to invite. It’s a question of respect to myself and to other people. It’s a question of a very useful and important tradition. It’s a way to express my appreciation of the other dancers and my own self-worth. I know it often means I won’t get as many dances as I’d wish, or with the followers I’d want to dance with. And that’s ok. I’d much rather be respectful, and continue improving my leading skills so that more and more women see me as a good leader, than impose myself on anyone. And I theoretically could, because, you know, “sisterhood” and “we support each other” and so on. But I personally decided to improve and dance with followers who want to dance with me, who choose to see me. Not because I’m a teacher, or because I’m a woman in the need of support.

It’s a matter of personal choice.

Dearest leaders!

Please, please use cabeceo. Please do not walk over across the floor and extend your hand. Even if you know the follower really, exceptionally well, best-friends-kind-of-well, still please use cabeceo.

No follower ever wants to be in a position to having to say no openly, but we might be forced to. I teach this to all my students from day one: there’s a reason codigos exist, and cabeceo is definitely a fundamental part of codigos.

If a leader walks up to me and invites by a hand extending, I will be forced to say no. As a dancer, I want to be offered an option. As a teacher, I have to set an example.

I’m sad this has to be said again and again from time to time.

On Flow and tangasms (what a stupid word!)

In mid-1970s, a prominent psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi first defined a specific consciousness state he called “flow”. His work later became hugely popular and more and more people seem to be aware and in search of this very special state nowadays. Yet, only approximately 20% of population regularly experience it, and about 30% have never managed to enter it, even when conditions were right.

Flow is a state of consciousness that is defined by an experience of intense and focused concentration, where you are entirely in the moment. Flow is a pleasurable experience and yet it might not involve pleasure per se: in fact, the activity you’re doing might be not pleasurable (like working hard on something) and even painful (your kilometre 34 of the marathon run). It’s certainly challenging, but not enough to make you exceedingly stressed, and it’s not easy enough for you to get bored. It’s a perfect combination of challenge, competence, excitement and repetition, in which you can stay for some period of time.

I am lucky enough to know this state very well. In fact, I dare say I spent years of my life in it, in particular in two activities:
1. When I was spending gruelling weeks working on architectural projects, often for 70+ hours without sleep. I’d forget to eat for days, not require sleep, forego human connection, and be perfectly content with all that.
2. In sports, it’s a state I enter when I’m training my body and get myself to the point of burning but right before the collapse. It’s a fine balance.

It became harder to enter Flow state with the advances of technology and the amount of distractions around me, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Now, to tango. I believe that those of us who have been completely mesmerised by some tango experiences, and even call those “tangasms”, have in fact encountered a bit of flow in the dance. It’s a state that’s relatively rare, and requires certain conditions (however, there’s no guarantee that having perfect conditions will give us flow).

We can experience flow in tango in two ways:
1. A very specific tanda (-s) with one person where the concept of time, space, other people etc seizes to exist. We don’t know what’s going on, how long it lasts and how it’s possible, we might even feel like we forget to breathe. The ultimate “tangasm” moment. I dare say these tandas are so special because of the dopamine on top of flow: two-in-one. Those are most common in the beginning of our tango journey and become more rare with years.
2. Those who travel to weekend-long events will know this feeling: while not every tanda is amazing, the general state of being by the time it’s Sunday afternoon milonga is that of sweet exhaustion and floating above the floor. Whether we are dancing or skipping a tanda, whether we are challenged or bored there is a sense of belonging and deep satisfaction. We don’t need “tangasms” to be absolutely happy.

Why does flow in tango become more elusive with time?

Neurologically, we are wired for change. Both with strenuous physical and intense mental activities, we can only maintain focus and capacity for doing the activity over a limited time. No matter how much we enjoy or must continue in a life-or-death situation, there’s a limit to our ability to stay focused. We are created with a limitation built-in: otherwise, if we don’t stop, we might neglect other, more important aspects of life. That’s why we humans can’t pursue pleasure non-stop, we get tired even of extreme pleasures, and those of us who continue don’t usually end up well.

Something that’s as good as flow in the dance will satisfy us until our limit has been reached. Over time, repetition of the tango flow will tire out our nervous system, and we will find it harder to enter the state. It’s not to say that we enjoy the activity less: it’s our brain’s way to remind us of other pursuits and activities. Nowadays, I seldom experience flow in tango social dancing, but I’m now often in the flow state when I’m training, teaching or studying tango.

When you stop experiencing flow in social tango environment, it’s a sign that you’ve reached your capacity at THIS particular activity, but it doesn’t mean that you won’t enjoy flow in tango again. You now can look for new ways to reach it, and often it’s by going through some challenges with certain goals ahead of us, that we can again find the new flow. Look towards deep studying, conscious practicing, music exploration, writing, teaching, etc. shift your nervous system‘s focus from one activity to others, and go deep. Let that activity consume you. The flow is there.