Village Squash People

Keith Robinson David Whittles Danny Doughty

A tough stretch of fixtures for the Village People... but there is no need to feel down, there is a place you can go... you can hang out with all the boys....

Considerable controversy at the end of the match at Bury Sports Club, with our own referee snatching defeat from the jaws of victory... Obviously it would inappropriate on a global social media platform to name names... but it was Slim Shady who fu**ed it up for the whole team ...... A 3-2 defeat leaving a just desperate feeling like VAR had just robbed you of a late winning goal in the cup final...

The boys bounced back with an impressive home win to Cheetham Hill, most notable for the long awaited return of Mr Burns... Unfortunately the old squash guile and craft, that we all fondly remember did not return with him, and the Skips summer transfer policy was coming under increasing scrutiny. Once again was believed to be trending in the Bury area, and with new boy Pete, Skips twin brother playing very well, things looked grim for the old timer, and talk of a Piers Morgan interview believed to be upcoming could not be ignored . As one of the several, big money signings who had clearly failed to deliver, large scale protests had been organised against the current regime..... Unfortunately due to lack of numbers, the protesting dog could not be safely allowed on its own outside in the busy car park...

Another tough away day at Rochdale then ensued, or maybe would be for mere mortals, but not our boy Banjo.... eats them up and spits them out.... a tough upbringing, and this boyo delivers.... A 6th win from 6 and the land of his fathers would be proud.... He is amassing a dossier of top notch victories of high quality opponents... Rumours of a Chinese Bookmaker in the background at several matches were vehemently denied...

There was also the much anticipated Return of the Jedi, which was the biggest let down since Episode I and pundits had suggested his recent deal with Netflix was clearly overshadowing squash training. Rumours were rife of the young ginger pl***oy often being unable to train due to problems with st*****rs and coke.... Jedi quickly denied this was a problem, and described it as quite the reverse.. "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try"... experts were baffled...

Despite this sideshow, the Skip battled manfully for a point, as did 119, but the home team were too strong and 118 lost by the odd game in five, in the very highest quality of encounters..

The final match before the Christmas break had a dramatic start when the player of the season, players players of the season, and page player of the season was dramatically dropped on the morning of the game due to a "mystery illness" ... The team talisman, the glue that binds us all together was gone in a instant... would the team be able to recover?

118 delivered
119 delivered
Skip delivered
Jedi delivered (just)
Burnsy even delivered ... wooohooo... its Christmas time...

A resplendent response from the villagers, and going into the Christmas break with a positive result, but leaving several un-answered questions...

Why do we only win at home (actually we know the answer is G💙)
How many chicken tenders is enough?
Why can you only have 2ish Mahou before driving?
Will the Christmas Dooo have st*****rs?
Will Banjo get a game tomorrow?

A new year, a new hope... Once you start on the welsh path, forever will it dominate your destiny.... 🪕

Despite the tough stretch of inactivity due to the international break, (although Burnsy would still be complaining about too much game time)… the Village boys returned to competitive action…

The final game before the break had been a chastening defeat at Fairways… dressing room unrest had been speculated ever since…. the Skip had drummed into the boys about consistency, and boy did he get it…. 118 mullered 3-0, 119 mullered 3-0 (needs free energy drinks obvs), Jedi mullered 3-0…. The boys took one hell of a beating… several excuses about cracking toe nail paint, incorrect colour grips, and conking out of expensive cars were all dismissed by the director of squash elect….

Despite the uncertainty over his own position and the seemingly awkward relationship with the Jimmy Saville look-alike / act-alike and generally dodginess-alike in the background, the Skip raised his game manfully for the occasion and a credible loss of 1-3….

With this marginal improvement in proceedings, it was left to Banjo Palmer to secure the loss overall at either at 0-5 or 1-4…… Those 2nd strings twanged beautifully, and in the match of the season (so far), the young Taff captured an epic 3-2 victory to avoid the match whitewash for the team and probably save the Skips job….

A new hope… with an intensive training regime, since the heavy loss at Fairways, all eyes were on the Village peoples return to the fray at home to Tame Valley…. Press rumours of player unrest were still difficult to avoid, and with Gina absent, there was an air of uncertainty around the club…..

The evening started with a high quality affair of the top dignitaries…a highly ranked officer from exceptional military British service, and a highly wanked officer from Babe-station subscription service…. Experience (at squash) won the day, Ray Burke MBE deservedly edging it 3-1, but we are all left with several unanswered questions…. Is it an annual or monthly subscription… can we have your login details?

Anyway, after the excitement of the first strings… then there was equal excitement of the second strings…. A super high quality performance from 119 saw him comfortably home 3-0, and level the match overall….

Rumours of the twins mother being consoled (yes exactly in that way you are thinking about) with a senior dignitary are unconfirmed at the time of going to press…. Love happens, and we are delighted to report any further inter-actions.. 💙

At 1-1 and the match very much in the balance, the skip reached out for his most dependable player in times of need…. The young Ginger Jedi ⚡️… The force is strong in this one.. A seemingly tough encounter against Nigel “Five Bellies but only One Knee” Medworth… after a cagey start the fat boy got the drubbing he deserved and Jedi took the spoils home (but unfortunately didn’t manage to get the beers in.. certainly not in the squash viewing area)….. Legal action is looking now looking likely, with several top lawyers supporting the Jedi case, and political pundits saying the Village can’t possibly survive this storm, and many had likened it to the now deposed Liz Truss..

With this dreadful background of uncertainty, the hero of the previous game was welcomed to the court… its Banjo time… 🪕……. 3-0 to our top rated boyo…, and securing the match overall… Lloyd is reported to be the front runner in the players player of the season and several other top awards…

As if there is not enough excitement already, then its…..
That's word, because, you know
You can't touch this
You can't touch this
Break it down!
Stop, Skipper time!

A tough looking match against Steve “Kobedah Kebab” Ivell entertained the remaining crowd, and finished with a hard fought, but great quality victory for Skip by 3-0 and bringing home the team by 4-1….

The Tame Valley boys & girls all enjoyed a couple of beers, and (on average for the ones near me) 11 chicken tenders, 2 Mahou and 3 plates of chips… A great night, and a game played in a wonderful spirit, such a pleasure to see them all..

Nigel Medworth Tame Valley Tennis and Squash Club

Press talk of the big summer signings needing time to settle were quashed very quickly as the Village Boys dished out a top of the table performance in thrashing sorry Monton Sports Club ...

The standout performance was clearly the Skip.... demolishing Mr walk-over X three, chicken tenders X many, and pints of lager X many more..... another legendary performance to go down in village history... rumours of a statue outside the front of the hotel were rife, and believed to have only thwarted due to material shortages....

Its a fickle game though, and you are only one bad result away from the sack, and with the ominous shadow of Alan "now, then how's about that young man" Percival lurking in the background after his controversial sacking from David Lloyd there was definitely an uncomfortable atmosphere in the communal shower & soaping-up area...

The match opened in fine style again with the young Ginger Jedi leading from the front, and getting an early point on the board 3-0. Once more the match was most noted for some excellent refereeing (from Skip), especially when it got somewhat niggly, but home advantage obviously pays ;-)

118 rattled off the second match in super quick time in parallel 3-0 and the boys were ahead in the match with the opponents seemingly missing from all & any action....

After a lengthy delay, the resumption of hostilities brought several unanswered questions, and looked like the match could be in the balance....

Would 2 cans of energy drink actually double 119s weight?
Would Lloyd be too tired after his honeymoon exploits?
Would Mr Walkover be faster and more agile than Skip?

A couple of Monton vagrants walked in, and the boys finished them off in clinical style......

Absolutely top quality performance from Lloyd, the baby faced assassin.. calm, cool and collected.. a very comfortable 3-0 win... pushing for a place higher up the order...

Talking of higher...... 219 was defo flying after consuming more than a full battalions supply of energy drinks and bars (one asks oneself is it coz its free by any chance? )... Anyway, with most normal people desperate to get to the bar or the toilet, eventually and painfully 319 edged out a 3-0 victory... it was anything but collected, calm or cool..... at the time of writing, 419 was still bouncing off walls... and Skip was pondering whether 519 should be subject to any disciplinary action for his conduct.....

The spectre of the wonderful Gina looming was a double edged-sword... superb hospitality... unquestionably the best in the league... but with that comes high expectations.... the dreaded vote of confidence in Skip could be the kiss of death.... only time will tell .. next weeks match-up at Fairways will test the boys title challenge for sure...

The night was concluded with delicious Chicken Tenders & Dips (yum), the slightly more delicious Mahou (yum yum), and as many chips as any man (or dog as it turns out) could eat...

Village life is very good...

A great win to start the new season.... Skipper James leading from the front, and closing out an epic game to seal the match....

After major transfer activity and much speculation about the managerial role, the season started with a resounding win, and table topping performance....

The young Ginger Jedi opened proceedings with his usual elegant style, grace and poise, taking a deserved 3-0 victory in a match most noted for the excellent standard of refereeing from the injured Burnsy....

Many pundits suggesting that Burnsy is now a spent force, and will be unable to play again with his pl***oy lifestyle finally catching up with him... social media was rife with rumours and activity; was reported to be trending across the squash community and globe... Some likened it to Roger Federer's recent swansong, and Burnsy was believed to have been seen crying and holding hands with Alan in the bar....

119 started strongly in the match of the night and was in command against a former village stalwart, who was clearly determined to get one over on his previous team... A super high quality match ensued and the unlucky twin was eventually edged out 3-2....

Karl produced his usual high quality performance, oozing class in a comfortable looking 3-0 win for his new team, having found a great liking to village life....

118 could have been forgiven for succumbing to the weight of expectation after the summer transfer saga and the big money, on/off move to the village..... unlike Grealish, he was able to take this in his stride and produced an imperious performance to win 3-1 against a very tricky opponent....

Enter Skip..... As the match was starting, 118 was level at one all, and the overall result was very much in the balance.... Although he was desperately unlucky to go two games down, the Skip was not deterred... cometh the hour, cometh the man..... and epic comeback to win 3-2 and finish the overall match 4-1 to the Village People....

The hospitality was absolutely first class all night from Village Hotel Club, especially from the wonderful Gina, and a big shout out to some top quality opponents from Marklandhill Rackets Sports & Fitness Club...

The evening was rounded off nicely with a couple of Mahou and as many chicken tenders and chips as you can eat... totally awesome 🙏

Rumours of Ole Gunnar Solskjær to David Lloyd Manchester North seem to strengthen after the recent loss of first team points at Markland Hill…. Slim Shady has been under pressure since Burnsy ruined the otherwise undefeated Heroes perfect record, and there have been a number of alleged rumblings of discontent….

With the manager absent once again, several players were left to wonder their worth... Jedi believed to be fighting evil in rural Lancashire where the force is strong in this young one, Dec freewheeling in Wales, 118 knocking through in Yorkshire, and 119 considering paying for Babestation in Norden...

Ole distanced himself from the player revolt, and was magnanimous in his praise of the now disgraced, and soon to be former manager….

“Al’s a big mate, and always a pleasure doing business, I don’t mind the shafting, to be fair, I get that every week and worse at Old Trafford…”…

And whilst the old fella was away, Shady’s young boys (and girl) have done him proud…

Dan Sexy was player on the month (by a country mile)

Wazzer was comeback kid of the month

Princess Liz was most injured of the month (with several ties)

BA was most aggressive player of the month for 74th consecutive
time, and tops off with the inaugural most visits to the wrong gender facilities title..

Thomas (although not ours) clearly wins most lost t**t of the month (although a few others quite close)

Tunner was most robbed of the month

Sam was most bi-curious of the month

Frenchie was super-sub of the Month

The Panther was of course the most immoveable force of the month, again,..

With pressure now on for the upcoming club championships, and the subsequent Christmas meal, many are looking to shape up to look good in a little dress & thong at Gorge….

A great result for the season opener at Markland Hill Racquets Club ….. Slim in attendance with the new team kit, and so an inspiring start for our returning heroes….

Waz opened the match in fine style and took out a very tricky opponent in short time by 3-0

The young Ginger Jedi followed suit, and overcame a tough adversary with a splendid victory also by 3-0. This game was mainly noted for the “wet patch” in the middle of the court. The heaters on full blast, and many had liked the scenario and play to the recent PSA tournament in Cairo in front of the pyramids….

At the same time, Burnsy had the chance to seal the match victory but came up short in a valiant effort against a seasoned campaigner, and was edged out 1-3

118 was left to close out the victory in the top match and game of the night… An epic contest at a crazy pace with huge amount of quality from both supreme gladiators, and a 3-1 win sealed it overall.

Mr Angry, the Big A, brought the play to a close with a giant performance from the immovable man mountain, overcoming a sticky start, then adjusting to the conditions and recording a great 3-0 win. A huge result, although the marker was reported to have been turned to stone….

Overall a fantastic 4-1 victory on the road. Strangely the whole evening was marred by Slim, not creating his normal chaos and friction whilst marking.. Pundits are already asking if he has lost his Edge, and whether 119 will overcome separation anxiety ahead of next weeks match?

Anyway the night was rounded off with some fantastic hospitality from one of the friendliest clubs in the league, and copious delicious pizza was washed down with a couple of well-deserved beers….

Fixtures for 2nd Team (Slim's bottom boys & girls)

Fixtures for 1st Team (Slim Shady's top boys)