Thiram -Life skills Centre

how to handle preteen/tweens

of parenting
Parenting tips to handle your TWEENS
(Pre teens say 8 yrs to 12yrs)
Tweens – as parents we might suddenly feel the children are becoming independent and they are becoming close to the friends. They have started holding secrets. Don’t panic it is natural be patient don’t bombard them with questions instead just relax and listen to them. Spend some quality time with the child at least twice a week that will enhance the closeness. Create a friendly atmosphere to express their feelings , the mood swings will set in soon .Don’t label them with their behaviors of course you should say or clarify the mistake they have done but don’t be judgmental .They might start getting an idea of how a boy should be or a girl should be , the media and the peers will play an important role but we need to guide them and clarify them use humor as a tool that will really help. Say for example boys should not cry? , girls should not play outdoor games..As parents we have the greatest responsibility to talk about S*X ?! yes lot of sexual development will happen in the child that will give them mixed feelings , girls might be reaching the age of puberty so we should talk about it so that they will be prepared for it and not afraid of it . Some children don’t like the bodily changes and they might act differently so we should help them to accept themselves and the changes happening within them both physically, and emotionally. We should also teach them how to protect them from abuse too. These talks cannot happen face to face all the time as it might be uncomfortable for the child so it can be done while you are doing household activities or while going for a walk .if they don’t get proper information through us they will try to get it from peers or internet which might be wrong or even too much to their age .we should monitor the child at the same time we should trust them too but don’t just believe them blindly. Encourage sports at this age and also through teenage that will empower them, boost their confidence, it will be a great stress buster and will do better in academics. start empathizing the problems of the child and accept them as they are so that they will trust you as their friend .. even in their teenage.
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It's the ultimate do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do parenting moment: your preschooler throws a fit because there are blueberries in her pancake—and she didn't want blueberries in her pancake!—and, in an effort to control her tantrum, you counter with your own: "Stop yelling now!"

7 steps

1) Understand the meaning behind the behavior. Naomi Aldort, the author of "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves," says that children want to behave well; if they seem to miss the mark, it's not without a valid reason. "The most important [thing] is to realize that whatever a child does, we may label as bad, [but really] the child is doing the best he can. It's our job as parents to find out why [he is] doing it," says Aldort. "Once we know the valid root of the behavior, we can easily remove the cause or heal the emotions, and the child won't be driven to behave in that way anymore."

So ask yourself: is your child hitting her sibling in a desperate bid for your attention? Maybe you stayed on the phone too long or ignored her as you rushed to get dinner on the table. If so, what correction can you make to your own behavior that will satisfy your child's need? "A lot of what we expect of children is unreasonable,"

2) Focus on controlling yourself—not your child. It's hard to keep cool in the heat of the moment, but Dr. Katharine C. Kersey, the author of "The 101s: A Guide to Positive Discipline," says that parents need to model the types of behavior they want their children to emulate. Remember, yelling begets yelling, hitting begets hitting. " We should not do anything in front of [our children] that we don't want them to do," she advises. In the case of an extreme behavioral flare-up, this may mean counting to 10, taking a deep breath or simply walking away until you've had time to collect yourself.

Jim Fay, the founder of the organization Love and Logic, agrees. "Anger and frustration feed misbehavior," he says. Fay offers an unusual tactic for keeping your voice in check: instead of yelling that your child is doing something wrong, try singing it. Fay teaches parents what he calls the "Uh Oh" song. If a child throws a toy after he's been asked to stop, you might sing, "Uh Oh, that's sad you threw your truck again. I think it's time the truck went away."

3) Be consistent with your expectations. Aldort says that parents often overlook a certain behavior in the hope that it will pass. "But guess what?" she says. "It doesn't pass." If your child bites another child, for instance, you should hold her arm and tell her that the behavior is not acceptable. If she continues, then it is time to remove her from the situation.

Sometimes a child might try to test the limits by arguing with the rules. When this happens, Fay suggests neutralizing negotiations by repeating one simple mantra as often as necessary: "I love you too much to argue."

4) Give attention to the behavior you like—not the behavior you don't. Children often act up because they want your attention, so sometimes it pays to ignore those actions you don't want to see more of. Kersey calls this the "Rain on the grass, not on the weeds" principle. Tantrums and whining? Play deaf or walk away, and your child will quickly learn that there's a better way to communicate.

5) Redirect, redirect, redirect. Kids who hear "No" or "Don't" all the time tend to tune those directives out. So instead of telling your child what not to do, Kersey recommends instead offering a positive behavior to replace the misbehavior. For instance, a child acting up at the grocery store could be enlisted to help pick out oranges or rearrange the items in a grocery cart, or a kid running around a swimming pool might be challenged to walk "as if on marshmallows."

6) Exploit the "energy drain." Any parent who's been in the trenches knows how tiring it is when a child acts up—but did you know that that fatigue can be used to your advantage? Fay calls this the "energy drain" principle. For instance, you might defuse a sibling confrontation by saying, "Wow, you need to take that fight with your brother somewhere else, because listening to that could cause me a big energy drain, and I don't think I'll have the energy to take you to the park after dinner."

7)Don't bribe. It may be tempting to offer your child a cookie for behaving well during an outing, but Fay warns against it. Offering a child a reward sends the wrong message; what kids hear is "'You don't want to be very good and you have to be paid off,'"

http://www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids/positive_discipline_tips.html

My child My Responsibility

My child is not listening to me , todays children don’t have any values ,they don’t respect anybody. Children are not obedient. As a parent, teacher do you acknowledge this ?? Did you ever think about the reason behind this ….?? The first acquisition will be on the media , yaa they see all violence ,all absurd songs that is why they behave like this . The next one ,is peer pressure and bad companionship makes them to react and learn bad habits.yes I agree the children have wide range of attraction ,especially the media which the now adults didn’t have when they were young but it dosent mean that the value system should change accordingly. Say respecting others feeling or think about how our action will hurt them physical, mentally , emotionally or economically. We teach keep yourself and the environment clean but unfortunately we forget that our neighborhood is also our environment , yes we stress upon keeping the house clean and tell the children to through the garbage in the right place at home****(* conditions apply )but we do we just through in the road what a contrary??? This the way we teach values which will bend / can be broken according to our whims and fantasy.

Same way following the traffic rules the children when they learn the traffic rules the want to follow them and they want their parents to follow them but we parents teach them we need to follow the traffic rules only when traffic police monitor us **** which the child equates it to the house also obey the rules only when you are monitored either by parents , teachers or leader otherwise you have the privilege of breaking it.My child uses phone /internet or TV too much, how do they get introduced to this we adults are addicted to this and we are unable to control ourselves or limit our usage of it especially in front of the children setting a wrong example and giving a signal it is correct to use them for hours together, the children are just our copy cats . we love to watch if the children imitate us but??? Not in this issue right ?? values*
Once we set right live and become existing role models to our children we can never make them learn any values … no school no counselling can help . magic should happen in us that will equip us to be a better parent and happy parenting .

if you agree / disagree pls comment

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