Alpine Diamond

Winter 25/26, Part 1

For most, this seemed like the winter that wasn't. But I definitely turned on my heated socks on more than one occasion. There was still plenty of snow, ice, and core shots to be found.

This winter was also incredibly hard for me on a personal level. Motivation to train hit all time lows, Finances tanked, emotional distress sky rocketed plans canceled, and many, many days were spent just trying to get out of bed; often failing.

This winter coupled with a rough summer and fall leading into it, have made me really take a stark look at my life, direction, and priorities. Questioning if this is what I still want? If I can even do this? Or is it time to take a step back from the dreams and find more stability?

I haven't come to any conclusions. Decisions like this don't come easily or quickly. The slow burn is both needed and wanted.

I'm also not one for sharing these pieces of my life on social media. But I think an honest look at life behind the smiles and pretty pictures is important to keep in mind. As social media feels incrediblely less social these days, I don't want anyone thinking this dream I'm in is golden. There's lots behind the scenes not being shared, on purpose.

Thanks to those who reached out. Who kept poking me. Gave me reason to get out of bed. Stayed with me through my stumbles and silence. Those that checked in with nothing but hugs, food and belays. It was immensely appreciated.

Here's to trying to grow from the pile of rubble.

Got lost in the desert for a few weeks, had some great company along the way.

Scenes from work this summer in the Cascades.
A brutal place to work, one that i find to be ultimately unsustainable as a guide, the cascade range is one of infinite potential, raw beauty, and for now, great memories.
Thanks to all that made another season possible.
From post-holing in snowshoes, to ice climbing in the rain.
From splitter weather days on alpine rock, to exploring the depths of glaciers.
From seeing natures fireworks on the fourth of July, to not seeing 10ft in front of me.

I'm excited to start planning for next season, going on my own terms and seeing what i can do with a new lens and appreciation for the terrain.

Until then, who knows.

This one took work. It took sacrifice. It took loss.
And still, there's so much doubt.

Becoming an AMGA Certified Alpine Guide has thus far been the hardest thing I've had to do in my guiding career. I've watched friends die. I've come close to dying numerous times. I watched friends leave because they broke their body in pursuit of this discipline. I picked up my life and moved to whole new areas in the quest to understand more, see more, do more, and maybe, be more.

It wasn't easy. But, if it was, it wouldn't mean as much as it does. I worked hard for this little blue circle. And now that I'm here, it's just the beginning. There's still so much work to be done, things to learn, skills to refine, lines to climb.

If you recall my feelings from my Rock Guide Certification, the alpine was much more different. I was actually accepted into each program, and ready (mostly) for each. Though I was still nervous as hell for each course, I found my footing at each step.

The alpine has been my sanctuary in climbing. A place where rules are more like guidelines. Where the "best" option is ever open to interpretation with a million factors being at play. It's a place where time seems to not matter as nights melt into day, and sometimes back again.

The alpine is a special place that i am fortunate to work and play in. With this certification, I'm excited to take to new heights, new destinations, new friends, and new experiences.

Imposter syndrome
"the condition of feeling anxious and not experiencing success internally, despite being high-performing in external, objective ways."

Another season of growth, another shift in perspective. I feel so strong and accomplished coming out of the cascade season, but i also feel a deep, deep hole. For the first time, i feel like i kind of know, what i do not know. I have done so much in the mountains, but, I still have so much i want to do, and should do.

I feel like I'm just failing forward, stumbling with recognition and....so far, so good. But at some point, the luck has to run out, right?

I recently took an AMGA guide exam, more on that later. But post exam, I find I'm looking inward more than ever. Wondering if i deserve these accolades, if i deserve these titles, if i've earned them, or simply gamed another system and just found myself in a position of "super good enough"

I look around at my peers, what they've done in their personal and professional lives, and feel like my resume pales in comparison. I have to constantly remind myself that we were given very different opportunities in life, and though our paths have crossed for a small amount of time, that doesn't mean either is any more, or any less, than the other. But damn it's hard not to feel that way...a lot.

I won't pretend to have answers, or even a direction for this post, other than to say I still don't really know what I'm doing. I don't know so many things. But i do know i love being in the mountains on my terms, in my style, and at my abilities. I'm excited to return to what I love and experience it with a renewed lens, and hopefully, renewed stoke.

Until then, I think i'll sleep a bit more. Sleep is nice too.

KISS - Keep it Simple Son!
Ever made it to camp, only to realize you forgot your camp shoes and all you have are mountain boots for the next week? In desperate need of happier feet?
Introducing the latest and greatest in ultra-light backpacking technology, the foam pad shoes.
Simply cut off a section of your folding foam pad, cut that in half lengthwise, and add some well placed 2mm cord. Boom, camp shoes.