Football Yarns

Morata and Spain 🫱🏾‍🫲🏽

As Arsenal dey prepare to visit Stamford Bridge to take on Chelsea on Sunday, former Arsenal striker, Pierre -Emerick Aubameyang wey dey play for Chelsea now don come outside dey warn Arsenal fans say: I get only 4 words to tell una. Don’t take it personal. Because anything wey me and my club go do una on Sunday, make una understand say it’s not personal, na just football. Because I get very bad bad plans for una because my only motivation now na to show una the difference between big player and kindergarten players wey still dey drink feeding bottle and at the same time Chelsea go show una difference between big club and one small club wey dey feel like elephant wey mistakenly find himsef on top tree.

My people how una see dis kind threaten wey Aubameyang dey threaten him former club so?

My people no be small sontin dey shele for the life of Juventus coachie, oga Massimiliano Allegri because we don dey hear now say since wey Juventus lose 1-0 to Monza, dem don kuku carry extra police es**rt including all those bodyguards and bouncers wey don gym sotay dem muscles don muscle don thick pass Abakaliki fufu, na all of dem dey follow oga Allegri upandan now. Dis na because Juventus fans don dey provoke on top the man head sotay dem don even dey threaten am wey make Juventus oga dem dey fear say some fans fit use anger attack the man beat am well well like tiff for Mushin, or even try to assassinate am like Julius Cesar. Una remember say Monza wey just gain promotion enter Serie A for the first time in their history use Juventus take open dem Serie A register as na dat Juventus match be dem first ever win for Serie A. Before then Monza don lose 5 and manage to draw 1 of dem Serie A matches. The matter even worse for UCL because right now Juve don lose all the 2 matches wey dem don play and as e be now, dem don manage to win only 1 of dem last 7 matches in all competitions. Na dis kind yeye results plus dem ticket wey dem own club dey cut naim make the fans begin shake head say, mbanunu, we no fit open eyes make oga Allegri carry us dey go where we no know. Which is why dem dey provoke so wey don make dem arrange extra police es**rt for Allegri make dem dey follow am upandan like Hope Uzodimma.

My people over to una. Shay dis extra security wey dem arrange for the coachie make sense abi make dem leave am make him go face the fans?

We don dey hear now say police don arrest one professional footballer inside Australia, Mr Dhari Al Saad after the bobo leave football go turn to drug dealer begin sell co***ne and igboh. According to the tory, Mr Al Saad wey him parents carry am enter Australia from Kuwait when him dey just 3 years old decide say the best way to make blood money without doing yahoo-yahoo na to play football, which make sense. So the bobo begin train and before you know it some clubs for Australia begin notice am. The bros hustle for Australia regional league but the money nor dey come as him plan am because na still laborer money him dey collect. Na so the bros kuku decide to go try him luck outside the country. Mr Al Saad first try Brazil but him luck no shine there because even the fans and old papa dem for Brazil sabi play ball pass am. From there him run enter Europe, first for Denmark where e no work, then him enter Germany wey him jus dey invite himsef go different different club trials but in the end no agent even gree look him side. The bobo even consider to con try Naija league but na somebody advise am make e no try am because even for Kano Pillars trial all those 40 years old men wey dey claim 19 years go use Africa man bone take scatter all him leg and him career join. When all him attempt to make blood money from football fail, Mr Al Saad kuku decide to behave like prodigal son and return back home to Australia. As Devil take dey work, na for Australia him come discover business wey go give am the kind hooge funds wey him dey find and dat work na to begin sell drugs like co***ne and igboh. The bobo make so much money from drugs sotay him village people begin call am odogwu. But even dat work sef no last because right now the bobo dey inside prison after police catch am with co***ne wey worth about 150,000 dollars. When we meet aboki to convert dat money for us, we see am say na about 100 million Naira we dey talk about so. Although the bobo deny say no be him get the co***ne and igboh because dem just accidentally enter him motor when him dey sleep, police don give am better room and parlor inside Kirikiri make e dey there take dey reason him life weda e no better say him try Naija league pass to dey push drugs.

My people una don hear the tory of dis footballer wey turn to drug pusher. Abeg wetin una get to tell odogwu Al Saad as him dey inside Kirikiri so?

Cristiano Ronaldo don finally score him first goal of the season as Manchester United beat Sheriff FC of Moldova to record dem first win for Europe dis season. Sheriff fes dey rush United like say dem no get single respect until Jadon Sancho use one bad placing take score the first goal to make am 1-0 as keeper jus stand like stick. Ronaldo score him first goal of the season from penarity after Sheriff defender bring down Dalot inside dem 18. Ronaldo convert to make am 2-0 and dash United dem first 3 points of the competition.

My people e be like na the Europa League wey Ronaldo been no wan play naim don dey favour am so. Abeg how una see wetin sop for the Europa League dis evening so?

After referee hammer Neymar yellow card for dis celebration after scoring PSG last goal wey dem take win Macabbi Haifa 3-1 for UCL, the bobo don come outside dey tackle the referee say; Nna na which kind nonsense officiating you blow against me yesterday? Just because I celebrate my goal the way I like you run subscribe MTN card give me? Abeg wetin dey wrong with dis my celebration? I no pull my jersey like Milik. I no jump fence enter crowd go dey hug fans Haaland. I no even celebrate with ntoi like Osimhen. I just stand for center of field with my hand on my face and you rush con nak me yellow card. Some of all dis referee once dem don give una whistle laidis, una go begin behave like Buhari. Una no go get any single respect again. Anybody wey una no like, una go begin do anyhow. Na dis match naim pesin use double stud take do flying tackle, you no go give am card. But because I celebrate my goal, you run nak me yellow. Abeg shay my goal dey pain you ni? Abi you carry me for ticket say Neymar no go score wey make the tin pain you say na me con score the last goal? Because dis yellow card wey you give me so, walai talai sumobinlai, na act of pure wuckedness. In fact I suppose ask Paul Pogba to give me the control of dat him jazzman for Ijebu make him help me swear for you because dat yellow card wey you give me na village people behaviour be dat.

My people una don hear Neymar side of the story. Abeg make una see the celebration and tell me weda e reach to give yellow card abi the ref just carry the guy for mind…

As other countries wey dey go World Cup don dey release jersey left right and center, Nike sef don kukuma drop the new home and away jersey for Naija. My people shay dis jersey fine at all abi dem for carry am give Aba boys make dem run am for us?

Manchester United keeper, David De Gea don come outside dey confess say; before I finally join Manchester United, na small thing remain I don nearly use frustration take join Wigan Athletic. Na for 2009 when I still dey Atletico Madrid wey frustration wan kee me because back then na me be third choice keeper so I no even get work. Many times I no dey even see jersey for training talk less of to see jersey for match and the thing dey pepper me because my fear na make I no go get wasted career. So I just dey pray if any club just come ask to marry me, I go behave like church girl wey forget all her home training run follow man and I go jakpa leave Atletico run go join the club. So when Wigan wey dey EPL then begin ask of me, immediately I begin pack my bags and baggages like woman wey don taya to stay her husband house. But na then naim Atletico Madrid come begin play me for match o. Just like that, if I no start, I go dey for bench and that 2009/10 season, I play 35 matches for Atletico even win Europa League join. By the next season I don become first choice for Atletico just like dat sotay the next time wey Wigan come ask for my hand in marriage I tell dem say I am married to Jesus so make dem leave me alone make I face my career. Na dat first choice I be for Atletico until Sir Alex Ferguson pay bride price of 19 million pounds take marry me comot from Atletico straight to Old Trafford. Na God say make I no join Wigan then o, because since I join United I don play 494 matches and win plenty EPL, FA Cup, Europa League, League Cup and golden gloves. Meanwhile Wigan don go relegation since 2013 and till today, preeq wey fall since 2013 never rise up again. Yeye club wey wan carry me dey go where I nor know. Anyway my people make una help me praise the Lord say I no waka da nonsense waka da year.

My people una don hear De Gea own side of the story. Wetin una get to yan inside dis matter?

Chelsea don play 1-1 draw with Salzburg for dem second UCL match wey shele dis night for Stamford Bridge in front of dem fans. Chelsea start the match like say dem wan kpai Salzburg for first half until Raheem Sterling disvirgin the match 1-0 for the 46th minute and become the first English player to score for 3 English clubs for UCL. But Salzburg show Chelsea say dem no come London to see the queen deadibody or to count Stamford Bridge when Naija blood, Noah Okafor score the equalizer to end the match 1-1 and make sure say Chelsea new coachie oga Graham Potter begin him regime with draw.
For the other UCL matches wey shele today, PSG come back from 1 goal down to beat Macabbi Haifa 3-1 wey Messi score to make sure say him don score for the last 18 seasons for UCL as well as make sure say him don score against more clubs for UCL (39) than Ronaldo (38). Real Madrid beat Leipzig 2-0 to maintain dem 100% record dis season. Benfica kpokpo Juventus 2-1 for Turin. Olivier Giroud continue him sweet goalscoring form as him score the first goal wey AC Milan take beat Dinamo Zagreb 3-1. Napoli beat Rangers 3-0 away. While Erling Haaland score the winning goal against him former club as Manchester City beat Dortmund 2-1.

My people how una see dis matches wey shele tonight?

Oga Peterside Idah say if him become NFF chairmo, players wey no sabi sing national anthem no go play for Super Eagles. My people make una read the tory and tell me whether national anthem dey win match abi bros jus dey cap agbado capping.

Any player wey no sabi sing national anthem no go play for Super Eagles- Idah Peterside NFF chairmanship aspirant, Peterside Idah don yan say any player wey no sabi sing national anthem no suppose dey play for Super Eagles

Naija blood, Antonio Eromonsele Nordby Nusa don make history after becoming the first player wey dem born for 2005 to score for UCL. Nusa wey dey just 17 years old achieve diswan when e score the last goal wey Club Brugge take destroy FC Porto 4-0 last night. Nusa wey him papa na Naija man from Kwale also become the second-youngest player to ever score for UCL behind Ansu Fati.

My people make una join me congratulate dis Naija Boy for dis achievement so.

My people we don dey hear now say after 10 months since Manchester United sack Ole Gunnar Solksjaer, the bobo don finally ready to return to coaching. Unfortunately, no club ready to employ the Manchester United legend to become dem coachie. Not even Kwara United or Niger Tornadoes. The only club wey agree to accept am but still put am on probation na one Under-14 club inside him country of Norway. And we hear say the only reason why dat club even give Solksjaer the job na because him pikin, Elijah, dey play for dat club and the club sef don kuku warn am say if him no fit carry dem win trophies as him no win anything for Manchester United, him go collect sacking wotorwotor. Solksjaer sef don kuku accept the job use am take dey hold body pending when something hooge go come outside for am.

My people over to una, Shay make Solskjaer continue dey look for new club abi dat Under 14 wey him dey coach na there him suppose dey?