Daniëlle van de Kemenade - Counselling for Couples & Individuals

Dear all,

I’ll be out of office until the 4th of January in order to rest, relax and take a break - so that I can sustainably be there again for you in 2022.

Whatever is going on this week, take it easy, take care of yourself, light some candles, wear some pyjama’s, and do whatever else you need to do to rest and restore.

Be well and take it easy,

Danielle

One of the ways in which we can struggle with our partner is in our communication and conflict styles. Perhaps you tend to withdraw during conflict, or maybe you tend to become more argumentative. It’s all good - and it’s usually based on what worked for us in childhood.

I find the perspective that we enter relationships in order to emotionally mature, finish childhood and learn new skills a very helpful one. Having this perspective helps us move beyond communication styles that are ingrained but may not work way with our current partner, and become more willing to try a new, unfamiliar tools.

An important thing to keep in mind with all of this, is that life (and love) is all about learning. Tools are simply handles for you to explore and try out, to see if they help you. There’s no exam for you to pass, or outside authority on love who knows it all.

There’s simply noticing what doesn’t work, being gentle with yourself, and seeing when and if you’d like to try something new. If not now, that’s ok as well.

Grief is a natural response to losing a connection to someone we love.

Most of us will have heard of the ‘5 stages of grief’ by Kübler-Ross. But what few of us know that these stages weren‘t actually based on the experience of people in bereavement, but on interviews with people in the final stages of lives themselves.

Over the years, different models have been formed which mat better capture what the experience of grief in any form can look like.

Tonkin, a grief counsellor from New Zealand, found when talking to people in bereavement that their grief doesn‘t “go away” - instead, their lives expand around the original pain.

Stroebe & Schut, Dutch psychologists, came up with the ‘dual-control model’, whereby we continuously go back and forth between actively feeling the loss, and focusing on recovery of our life after losing a loved one.

There are more models of griefs, but what’s most important to know, is that there’s no ‘one way’ that captures everyone’s experience. What matters most is gently accepting the back and forth of our feelings, in whatever duration and shape.

Just a gentle reminder…

…life isn’t always an upward slope
…growth can sometimes look like things falling apart (in order for new life to slowly emerge - like these mushrooms, growing between the cracks in front of our home)
…life goes in stages and cycles. It isn’t fully in our control. We will face different things at different times, unexpected and not. It’s ok.
…even if this moment feels like it will last forever, it won’t.
…becoming who we are is a lifelong journey.

Much love,
D.

Anxiety is the felt diffuse sensation of intensity, where the present moment does not feel safe. It can show up physically in shortness of breath / or breathing from your chest, analysis paralysis, tense muscles and a general feeling of “intensity” inside your chest.

And yet, anxiety is no demon. Instead, it’s a natural full-body response to intense situations. All anxiety wants is for us to calmly care for our inner world.

What does anxiety feel like to you? What factors tend to precede your anxiety? Which factors help calm it?

health

Dear lovely visitors - I created this page a while ago, but as you can see, it's not very active!

The best way to connect with me and receive updates is via my website (and occasional newsletter): www.daniellevandekemenade.com

Wishing you all well - no matter what's going on. 💙

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