The Squash Games

Felt it was only appropriate we celebrate the new and improved hair free Sundy...

That time the Superheroes robbed the Pirates of the title... Ridiculous.

Last doppelganger for the year...Michael bin Laden

Nurse love at Cousins Shield

The End is the Beginning is the End. Closing Time. In The End. Aside from being songs that I am far more likely to be able to tell you the singer of than Rebecca Ellmers, these could all aptly sum up the feeling most Squash Gamers brought to Herne Bay Ponsonby Rackets Club on Friday night. One last shot at glory. One more opportunity to win the accolade of making their opponent cry on court. One final chance to impress Steve Hansen and yoink that glorious number 3 jersey right off Tony Woodcock’s back. While not everyone could be a winner on the court, or even at the beer pong table, some could be winners at both. For the rest of us, there was the consolation of greasy fried chicken to rub on our beards and stuff our faces with.

Beginning at the bottom of the table, where the Mongrel Mob and the McEnroes were vying desperately not to finish dead last. Dead. Last. The McEnroes showed bravery, for ‘getting it on’ with the Mongrel Mob can be an unpleasant experience. ‘Sharing’, ‘unhygienic’ and ‘the block’ are all terms that spring to mind. Richard Notter was the first to feel the wrath of the mob, needing absorb large quantities of powerful pe*******on from Hone Cheeseman before overcoming him 3/1. Jorge Crosby was on next, and found out first-hand what Sophie has been telling us for some time: seven minutes in heaven with Matiu is FU***NG INTENSE! After an extremely intense first game, Crosby unfortunately suffered a hamstring strain – an injury that is a real bane to wooden ships as old as he is – and quite sensibly took the opportunity to cool his heels on the sideline and rehydrate for the rest of the evening. Captain Georgie Porgie finished off Sophie McClymont to seal what the McEnroes celebrated as seventh place, but the rest of us looked down our noses at as second-to-last.

The playoff for the plate pitted the Wild Westerners against the Harry Potters. The question on everyone’s lips: what would happen when Nick McHugh and Leigh Hinds met!? As is well known throughout squash circles, these two just plain don’t like each other. Much like Willstrop/Matthew, Farah/Soward, TI/Mayweather, Tamati/Dowling, or Sunderland/Pittams, the rivalry between these two goes well beyond the squash court. After Nick woke up on Wednesday morning to find his house covered in eggs and toilet paper, and Leigh turned up to work on Thursday only to find his stapler covered in jelly, it was anyone’s guess how these two would react when they saw each other in person. Pretty amicably, was how it in fact turned out. Obviously the Harry Potters have been taking remedial potions with Professor Snape, and Leigh had mastered the love potion and used it on Nick. Steph and Devon were expert in their marshalling of the Dunlop around the court, albeit they took turns at being expert, each playing well at different times of the game. This made for a very quick match, with Steph winning more of these periods than Devon to suggest that she might have a real future in those sheep dog trials where you need to marshal sheep from one enclosure to another. Last on were Lloydy and Dré, in one of the fittest, leanest match ups you could ever hope to see. Like two greyhounds chasing the rabbit, or two he**in addicts chasing a fix, they scuttled around the court, alternating between arriving at the Dunlop and then using their rackets to deliver that Dunlop unto another section of the court, only for that process to be repeated (almost instantaneously) by the other. Lloydy got the better of Dre, and took the choccies all the way to Skycity where he tried to put them on black and double his choccies. C’mon Lloydy. That was just silly.

The Naughty Nurses and the Tiger Woods’s contested the third/fourth playoff. Anyone who thought that the Naughty Nurses might be lying low after the revelations of chasing one of their patients for s*x back in 2011, was wrong. Very, very wrong. Instead it was the Tiger Woods’s who were short: their two fill-ins requiring Ellie to act as captain and deliver several of her renowned Churchillian orations. Much like Churchill was revered in times of war, Ellie is known among the political elite as someone you would want in the trenches. Time will tell whether she suffers the same post-war fate as Churchill. . Super-sub Brent Lewis got the Tiger Woods’s off to the best possible start in beating David Noone in toru. This was a case of preparation making all the difference. Constantly pacing off yardage between sets to ensure that he knew the metres from bat to front wall from all points off the court, and having deep discussions with his caddy between sets to ensure the selection of the perfect racket for the situation, his meticulous no-nonsense approach could yet revolutionise the game. Michael Blanchard was up against Nick Terry, and showcased just what a thinker of the game he is by cutting his hair prior to arriving. Anticipating – as we all were – that he would be in for a torrid battle if he tried to out-long curly hair Nick, he decided to tilt the playing field back in his favour by getting rid of all of his hair (and the reports emanating from the showers post match indicate that it really was ALL of his hair). The element of surprise was ultimately successful and Nick, having prepared to play someone with long hair, had to throw his game plan out the window and ad lib on court. Although he did this admirably, it was not enough to get between Blanchard and the ‘W’. Stand-in Skipper Ellie Epke showed the exuberance of a Suia Matagi running onto to the league field when he’d just got out of jail (and thus was really happy to be back playing league) in bounding onto the court against Lisa Cowlard. Lisa, however, was spurred on by the presence of her boo and made Ellie’s life extremely tough. . . At two all it was anyone’s match, but at this point Lisa (known affectionately as the Thomas the Tank Engine of the Naughty Nurses) seemed simply to decide that she’d had enough of the Fat Controller, and went on strike. While I applaud her for taking a stand (given James, Percy and Edward are barely making ends meet, her strike is just what these engines require), she could have picked a better time to do so than the fifth set for her own personally W tally.

The final produced a perfect, see-sawing contest between the Superheroes and the Pirates. Neil Rossin played extraordinarily well in taking the first two games off Todd Redman. But in probably an even closer finish than the Highlanders-Crusaders on Saturday, Redders – spurred on by a phone conversation with Keith Redman the previous evening, in which Keith had revealed that Sue could in fact “take or leave” her youngest son – fought back to take a titanic battle in five sets and give the Pirates the early advantage. Next on were Tanya Laurence and Hayley Hughes. Laurence played a lot like Nemani Nadolo in the first two games, charging around the court, breaking tackles willy-nilly, and even busying herself in a number of ruck situations, such was her appetite for the Dunlop. Hayley launched a comeback in the second half, displaying an excellent forehand boast and (the generally under-utilised) backhand crosscourt drop to the middle to even things up for the Superheroes. This left Captains Sunderland and Pittams to settle things. As we have touched upon earlier, there has been no love lost between these two since Sunderland bit Pittams’ ear at Athletic Park back in 1994. Pittams won the racket spin, elected to receive, and lost the first two sets pretty promptly. Having seen the first two victors on court one recover from 0-2 deficits to win, this was exactly what Pittams wanted. Mind games. Pittams was busy mind fu***ng Sunderland, and about to unleash his real game in the third. But Sunderland was wise to his tactics, and countered them with a clever third set strategy of his own: ‘playing way better squash and just comprehensively being better’ – in many ways the mind johnny to the proverbial mind fu***ng Pittams was attempting to deliver. The type of third set strategy battle ( ) that some folks will travel great distances to see ensured that none of the spectators went home flaccid.

There was only time for a very quick sauna beer before prizegiving, proving beyond all doubt that further tinkering with the series format is required (maybe play the finals on Thursday, then come back the following night to party?). At the prizegiving Brent Lewis pretty much took home everything: sweepstake, Player of the Night, third place certificate, a sports bra… I think we can all agree that guy is greedy. Other prizes went to Jorge Crosby for pulling off the scarcely believable feat of not turning up on time to a single round of Squash Games, Nicola Shanks and Lisa’s boo as Supporters of the Night, and Ellie and Todd for their unbeaten seasons. Todd in particular was very lucky to get his prize, which was sponsored by Michael Pittams’ own wardrobe. . The Mongrel Mob took out the first vs last boat race against the Superheroes to ensure their trophy cabinet wouldn’t go empty for the year, and then Todd started serenading people in his underwear… standard Herne Bay stuff in summary.

Final standings:
1. Sundy’s Superheroes
2. Pitbull’s Pirates
3. Thompson’s Tiger Woods’s
4. Noone’s Naughty Nurses
5. Hinds’s Harry Potters
6. Wagenaar’s Wild Westerners
7. George’s McEnroes
8. Matiu’s Mongrel Mob

As always, a number of thank yous are due to the good folk who gave up their time to allow us to have fun while propelling the Dunlop around the court. Firstly to Colonel Sanders, for his dedication and diligence in creating his secret recipe of herbs and spices – all eleven of which hit the spot in a big way on Friday night. Seriously, how does he do it? Just when you think 11 won’t be enough, whammy, he goes and sends the tastebuds on a journey of deliciousness. . . Thanks to Herne Breezy for their hospitality and tasty range of amber liquids. On a bigger note, thanks to series sponsors Zephyr Cider, Team Titan grips (available at Squashies), and Rebel Sport/Briscoes Group. It’s really useful to be able to give out prizes throughout the series, so please support these guys when you can. Thanks to Squash Auckland for scheduling the nights for us, and finally thanks to Jo ‘New Ailes’ Shanks, and Ailes ‘Original Ailes’ Buscke for their work hustling everyone along throughout the season.

See you all at Cuzzies this weekend – and be warned that best behaviour is required. I can and will fine you for things throughout the weekend, with all fines payable at the bar on Sunday night.

The final chance to attain glory. May the odds be ever in your favour.

Left at Herne Bay...

Congratulations to Sundy's Superheroes: 2014 Squash Games Champions!

Today is the day! See you all at Herne Bay at 6.30 - early start so we can get into the boat racing asap. . Remember we'll be putting a feed on tonight to make sure everyone is safe and responsible. All welcome, bring your friends, especially , , , and .

GRAND FINAL
Pitbull's Pirates vs. Sundy's Superheroes
Michael 'Nobody beats me twice in five days' Pittams vs. MediumMike Sunderland
Todd 'Sandfly' Redman vs. Neil Rossin
Tanya Laurence vs. Hayley Hughes

PLAYOFF FOR THIRD
Thompson's Tiger Woods's vs. Noone's Naughty Nurses
Brent Lewis vs. David Noone
Nick Terry vs. Michael Blanchard
Ellie Epke vs. Lisa Cowlard

PLATE FINAL
Hinds's Harry Potters vs. Wagenaar's Wild Westerners
Chris Lloyd vs. Andre Wagenaar
Leigh Hinds vs. Nick McHugh
Devon Wright vs. Stephanie Smith

PLAYOFF FOR SPOON
Matiu's Mongrel Mob vs. George's McEnroe's
Matiu Te Kani-McKing vs. George Crosby
Hone Cheeseman vs. Richard Notter
Sophie McClymont vs. Giney Shelton-Agar

Just to keep the excitement building about the final this Friday, how about another doppelganger? Introducing Lloydy Potter!