Good to Great Parenting

If you're the parent of a toddler (or a child who acts like one) you'll know that it can feel like you are living with a pint sized dictator. They want what they want when they want it. And they won't take no for an answer. They can also be incredibly fun, loving and say the most hilarious things. We get both sides.

A question I was asked by a parent recently made me think about how tough this age and stage can be - "How do you get such a little child who has strong will power to take "no" for an answer?"

This is a really good question. A part of knowing what to do is knowing what it's like for your child first. Toddlers have a lot in common with teens. They want greater independence - to do it themself. Often toddlers insist they'll do it themselves, even when you are not convinced it's a good idea. Like when they TRY to pour themselves a cup of milk and they end up emptying the whole container. This desire for independence is actually is a sign of healthy development.

Three facts about toddlers which can help us to understand them better.

1. They need your attention and lots of it

You struggle to do the most basic of tasks, even to unload the dishwasher, as they want you to watch them and pull on your clothes all the time. Research tells us toddlers can make bids for our attention every 20 seconds. This is a stage of development which is very needy.

2. They are in an egocentric stage of development - it's ME focused

This helps us know why they act like it's all about them. You help them relate to others gradually. This is a process which happens over time. Because it's a needy stage, there's a lot of help that is needed here.

3. Toddlers can't regulate emotions on their own...YET

Toddlers learn how to regulate emotions, attention alongside you. Helping your toddler move through big emotions rather than trying to stop slowly builds their awareness of their inner world and develops skills they need.

Note to self - in the messy chaos of raising your toddler you will need a lot of energy and to give yourself the grace to say "Wow, we made it through another day."

What's a way to make mornings go more smoothly?

What's your favourite game to play with kids?

What's a new dinner your kids would like to try?

Here are some facts you might not know about teens and hopefully this will explain why your teen is doing what they do (you might even catch yourself before you get mad with them).

Teens genuinely can’t smell their own body odour. Their brain is changing and they’re not ignoring it. They simply don’t notice it.

Again because of their developing brain, teens often read neutral faces as angry. Your calm, “I’m just asking a question” expression can land in their brain as “you’re in trouble.” That’s why they can get defensive or shut down so quickly.

So do your best to deliver messages in a softer tone with a curious “Hey, you okay?” keeps the conversation open without lowering your expectations.

Teens don’t feel sleepy until around 10:30pm. This is because their melatonin is released later than ours. We get tired at about 8:30pm and they’re not ready to fall asleep yet.

Understanding the biology behind teen behaviour can be a way to help understand them better. It isn't personal and it makes so much more sense once you know why it's happening. They are still going to need you to help them stay on track but at least we know why it's so hard for them to do things we think are pretty easy.

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You might think that your kids should have more activities, more things to do. There is a sense that if they don't then somehow they are going to miss out.

The idea that they "should" do more is coming from somewhere - who said that? And what exactly is it that they are going to miss out on?

Kids are already here to grow and learn. They are wired for it.
Your parenting scorecard is yours alone. You get to decide what goes on it and what it is that your kids are learning.

Every single thing you do already counts. You are already nurturing them every day and what you do matters — whether it is the days that feel easy and ones that you’re relieved to see the back of.

Was there some rhythm to the day?
Brains love predictability and we can easily discount the importance of the patterns that already exist. Whether it's the predictable way we have meals. Your sleeping habits and going off to school and work then coming home again. It all counts. Even if you have an irregular schedule there will be enough of a routine for kids to know "this is what we do".

It's what you do that really matters. Not some made up idea of a mythical family that isn't even real.

Look at how you do show up. You do this consistently. Even on the days when people are grumpy, you still show up, feed them, help them. You still care for them.

There is a lot to watch when you are watching your kids grown and it can pass so quickly. There are seasons in parenting when you are thankful that you got through the week without a trip to A&E!

It’s so easy to judge ourselves against impossible standards, especially when cooperation at home is low and everything feels like a battle.

We don't need to add extra layers to childhood to help them grow.

Your kids are here and you are already watching growth happen!

Every ordinary thing you do is part of nurturing the conditions your kids need to grow. So keep doing it and keep watching.

How can we help kids without trying to fix emotions?

What's a wish you have for your child?

Time for some fun with the kids - what's your pick?
Board games 🎯
☕Hot choc
Later bedtime🛌
🩵Pillow fights