Oliver Bartosh - Athlete

What can I say - you're a lucky man if you own Storage King stock, because they're not going to have any space left at the rate I accumulate silverware. In fact, based on new-age predictive analysis tools, 40% of trophies sold worldwide in 2016 came pre-engraved with "Oliver Bartosh".

They all said it couldn't be done.

NZ Herald wrote:
"It's a fool's errand. Nobody has ever moved to the northern hemisphere, switched from football to league and won a title in their first season".

ESPN wrote:
"Hearts are breaking all across New Zealand as elite multi-sport athlete OBA announces he's leaving to join London's Hammersmith Hill's Hoists. He should be playing for the All Blacks, the All Whites or the Tall Blacks".

Well, I guess that was nothing but FAKE NEWS, and it's got to be a tough pill to choke down for all the haters and the doubters.

To all my fans - I love you, but don't think for one second that I couldn't have done this without you. This is ALL ME baby.

Victory tour expected to hit New Zealand in late October so stay tuned for details about where to meet the man himself, the big guy, the champ, the 🐐 - OLIVER BARTOSH ATHLETE

A quick word of thanks for all of the loving and adoring birthday messages I've received today. Most notably, it was a pleasant surprise receiving handwritten cards from her majesty The Queen, Barack Obama... and even Kim Jong Un of all people. I guess those Juche/Commies can still appreciate weapon athletes when they see them.

Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you about a couple of things I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful that so many people around the globe have benefited from seeing my athleticism in action. It really is a gift to be able to make peoples lives better, just by flexing my perfectly sculpted and toned biceps.

Secondly, I'm thankful for my abs. These puppies have certainly got me out of a sticky situation or two over the years. Although I'm one of the world's great orators, sometimes in the club it takes more than just words to get a bird over the line, and that's when my abs have really come in to play. Or sometimes they simply saved me when I couldn't find the cheese-grater around the home.

Now I know much better than to disappoint my fans by not including a topless photo with this post, so here's a pic of how I'm spending my birthday. Time for Party Barty to live up to his name.

Greetings to my legions of followers from around the globe.

I know it's been a while since my last update, and I hope you'll understand that's because I've been immensely busy with training camps ahead of the UEFA EURO 2016 Championship.

It's been a particularly tough grind this year, and with sadness I must announce that Harry Kane has been selected in the England squad ahead of myself. Deluded Roy Hodgson seemed to think that 25 Premier League goals was more impressive than the hat-trick I scored in my final game in Auckland's 6th division league.

That said, the French are relatively weak in attack this year, and I've hatched a plan to make that squad instead.

As of today, I have legally changed my name to 'Olivier Bartosh' and I'm hoping that the addition of one 'I' will be enough to convince the selectors that I am, in fact, a Frog.

Anyway, keep an eye out for me as we take on Romania on Sky Sports this weekend. And just to give my fans what they all want - here's a photo of my athletic rig.

Je vous aime tous

Today's performance was dedicated to all the haters and the doubters that said it couldn't be done.

It was an honour for my fans on the sideline to see me score three goals in today's official Oliver Bartosh Athlete Farewell Match.

It's a great feeling to bow out at the same level I've played all of my football in NZ - at the very top.

Next stop - superstardom.

As most of my fans are aware, tomorrow I will play my last competitive football game on New Zealand soil for at the least the next financial year.

In early May, I'm heading to Europe to chase my dream of playing professionally in the Premier League or La Liga - whichever will bid more for my services.

I already have a trial pencilled in with the English juggernaut that is Peacehaven & Telscombe, who play in the Isthmian League Division One South.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow and check out my athleticism in action.

When people meet me for the first time, they always seem to comment on the guns I'm packing.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hugely proud of these puppies, but I also want people to know that there are brains behind all of this brawn.

Sometimes it's tough to be taken seriously when you're as jacked and generally athletic as I am, but I want people to know that I have dreams too. One day, when I'm working in 'that whole finance game', I'll look back on all the haters and smile.

Fans often ask me:

"Party Barty - how do I become as athletic as you?"

Sometimes I find this tough to say, but I've always believed that honesty is the best policy.

You can't. Try as you might, you'll never be on my level. True athleticism is only found in a gifted few, and I thank the stars for my gift every single day.

Unsurprising that we took home another three points today. Winning is easy when you're as athletic as I am.

Stoked to get on the scoresheet again - I seem to be making a little habit out of it. You'll hear more details on the goal in my post-match press conference. Watch 3 News Sport tonight.

Time for a well earned Woodstock.

Big weekend ahead with a top-of-the-table footy clash tomorrow down at Madill's farm. Thankfully it's been a good week of training and I'm feeling immensely athletic right now.

Kick off is 1pm, but I'd recommend arriving around 10.30 to have any chance of getting close to the action.

Rumours are true - I will be signing autographs in the carpark at Glen Innes Maccas after the game. Looking forward to seeing all my fans.

Though not normally a show pony, I've caved to public pressure and created this page to keep my fans updated on my sport and general athleticism.

Great 7-nil win at Manurewa this weekend, and particularly pleasing to get on the scoresheet for the first time in 2016. Division 6 certainly has its challenges and I'll keep striving to deliver the goods for my many supporters on the sidelines.

OBA