Rack City Rovers FC

BEAUMONT BRIDGE PROJECT ADVANCES

After more than 120 years’ service, one of the country’s last wrought iron bridges at Beaumont, Clutha District, will be replaced with a modern two-lane bridge built for today’s heavy freight loads and up to earthquake standards. The new bridge goes out to tender in coming weeks with construction possibly starting in the spring. The old bridge will be kept for walking and cycling as a link on the Clutha Gold walking and cycling trail.
For further information use the links below:

https://www.nzta.govt.nz/media-releases/new-beaumont-bridge-construction-start-expected-this-spring/

https://www.cluthagold.co.nz/
^SM

PLAYER PROFILE

Name: Andrew “Gagman” James
Number: 13
Seasons with Rack City Rovers FC: 4
Position/Role: Goalkeeper, Gags
Previous Clubs: Mosgiel
Similar to: Petr Cech

If rumours are to be believed and it’s true that Andy “Gagman” James is set to have his biggest sevens yet, we could be seeing the introduction of the Reggie Ray from Not Another Teen Movie Concussion Scoreboard. Fortunately, “coach says it’s okay to bleed from the ears” but is it okay to bleed from the eyeballs, as the Gagman looks to “whack it up to a thousand” for his fourth consecutive sevens appearance for Rack City Rovers.
Of recent “Short & Wide” fame, Gagman has secured the services of the luxurious Cook Bus which he will lead the team to Alex’ in via stops at some of the great locations along the way such as your Miltons, your Balclutha’s, your Roxburghs and the increasingly popular Beaumont.
In terms of notable moments from sevens past, this author has considerable regard for the likes of your Jill Verburgs and so as to not traumatise her will simply note the less than conventional usage of both KFC Hot & Spicy wings and petrol pumps. He will however mention the multitude of Greg Feek produced in the multitude of locations, not once being a toilet, as well as “that hit” on one of the more chirpy members of the University outfit who is still presumed to be out on that pitch a good year on.

PLAYER PROFILE

Name: Tom “Albatross” Bekkers
Number: 33
Seasons with Rack City Rovers FC: 3
Position/Role: Centre Back, Scout
Previous Clubs: Mosgiel
Similar to: Matt Joy

In terms of international scouting none are more experienced than Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide, Pitbull, but Tom “Albatross” Bekkers is a close second. However it was a case of Chris Brown – International Love for one half of the Twin Towers on his recent scouting trips to the States and Europe where he left a plethora of broken hearts in his wake, something the management of Rack City were pretty happy with having foregone the finding of any footballing talent to add the already bursting Rack City roster. His presence comes as a welcome return to the often makeshift Rack City backline as with the departure of Jesse “Bullfrog” Wright and Tom Kindley’s late withdrawal, coupled with Cam “Killa Cam” Will’s inevitable and annual unavailability Sunday following his exploits the previous nights drinking, Rack City are in dire need of some defensive cover. Much like Vertonghen and Aldeweirelds rekindled partnership at Spurs following their previous partnership at Ajax, Albatross’s return will reunite the defensive duo of Corkhill - Bekkers from Mosgiel of yesteryear and he’ll be relying on his Dutch pedigree to imitate the former duo’s performance for the Amsterdam based club. Often fairly reserved, this could still prove to be a big weekend for the Dunedin based banker yet as outside influence from Tim “Pleb” Dunn and David “Pies” Bainbridge may be too overwhelming to ignore. Expect big things before his next scouting trip, where Pies will accompany him to Central America.

PLAYER PROFILE

Name: Morgan “Lenny” Day
Number: 89
Seasons with Rack City Rovers FC: 4
Position/Role: Midfield
Previous Clubs: Mosgiel
Similar to: Mark Noble

Although he would probably rather be parked at home on the plains with a 600ml Vanilla Coke in one hand and sour cream and chives Pringles in the other watching replays of Stoke vs. Norwich from yesteryear, Lenny Day will return for his sixth consecutive sevens and his fourth for the Dunedin based Rovers. However it’ll be a test of patience for the Prince of the Plains this year with the absence of life partner in seriousness Jesse “The Bullfrog” Wright to offer support and resistance to any unsporting fun being enjoyed by the rest of the members of Rack City over the course of the three day tournament. Notable moments from Lenny of sevens passed, include Tom Connor winding him up at the Sports bar, Andy “Gagman” James winding him up at the Sports bar and the evasion of an absolute hiding from Scoullar of Team Big Guy. With the theft of the kit and subsequent concession of defeat prior to the tournament even starting last year it’ll hopefully be a different story this year if Lenny can keep his intolerance of arrogance and questionable facial hair selection in check he could be in for a disciplined performance at the base of the Rack City midfield.

PLAYER PROFILE

Name: Simon “Lugsy” Cromarty
Number: 7
Seasons with Rack City Rovers FC: 4
Position/Role: Manager
Previous Clubs: Taieri College XI, Taieri Cricket Club
Similar to:

Following what has been described as a p**s poor performance on and off the pitch last season Simon “Lugsy” Cromarty returns as gaffer for his fourth straight season at the helm of Rack City. Despite looking the part in his two-piece Hallenstein’s suit and matching football boots, it all went pretty pear shaped early on last season for the man crowned New Zealand’s Biggest Hero 3 years running. With the initial loss to Frankton FC in Rack City’s all important season opener Lugsy could be seen throwing his toys and storming off to manage Fanta Pants FC in a similar manner to how he put in a career ending tackle on the team’s gazebo the previous season following the loss to University C in their opening game. Lugsy would begrudgingly return later that day having tried his luck managing all teams possible to a somewhat welcoming Rack City who had found themselves under the confident direction of assistant manager Ben “Yellow Thunder” Young in the interim. But it was not only on the pitch where Lugsy found himself to be a divisive and incompetent figure, as he would later go on, like some sort of rockstar, to wreak havoc in the teams accommodation by cracking a TV, leaving a spew/toothpaste combination in the shower for the rest of the team to clean up and hiking it out of there to sleep with two of the teams groupies, much to Tim “Pleb” Dunn’s disgust.
Fortunately for Lugsy the players and fans of Rack City alike are pretty forgiving and will allow him to see out his indefinite contract in the hope that he may, in his own words, “charge on and charge strong”.

PLAYER PROFILE

Name: Aaron "Cooked" Corkhill
Number: 23
Seasons with Rack City Rovers FC: 1
Position/Role: Centre Back
Previous Clubs: Mosgiel, Coastal Spirit FC, Marlborough Mariners
Similar to: David Luiz

Much like Arsenal’s recent transfer window, Rack City were particularly quiet this year and had their business done pretty early on. With manager Ben “Yellow Thunder” Young employing the Arsene Wenger only signing “top, top qualitee” policy, Rack City were able to pick up both Tom Kindley on a free and Aaron “Cooked” Corkhill from fellow Mosgiel rivals The Plainsmen.
Aaron comes off the back of a pretty disjointed and injury plagued season where his minutes rivalled those of Abou Diaby. However also like Abou Diaby when fit, Cooked is a powerful and commanding presence at the spine of the Mosgiel prem’s and it’s these sorts of performance that saw him impress the confident eye of Ben Young.
In previous seasons Corkhill has found himself amongst the mature figures of The Plainsmen and it’s a bit of a talking point to see how he will make the transition to the disorderly and poorly organized Rack City. Reports of his drinking performance at the recent Mosgiel AFC prize giving were particularly favourable from fellow Rack City teammate Dr. Bradshaw and it’s been suggested that if he can carry this run of form on into the three day bender we should be seeing a successful debut season for Cooked.

PLAYER PROFILE

Name: David “Pies” Bainbridge
Number: 45
Seasons with Rack City Rovers FC: 4
Position/Role: Tour leader
Previous Clubs: Mosgiel FC, Richmond FC
Similar to: Gundogan of preseason 2014/15

In terms of physical conditioning for sevens it could be argued that none have it more fine-tuned than David “Pies” Bainbridge. With his portly belly and chubby feet none embody the true spirit of both Rack City Rovers and sevens more so than the man with the longest fo****in in the South Island. However it is both pastry and mince that he also embodies and it is this with which Tim “Pleb” Dunn will mercilessly mock him for the duration of this year’s tournament.
A veteran of the 7 aside variant, Bainbridge has advised that he will be taking a more backseat role this year and whilst he will don the purp’ and green of Rack City he will more often than not find himself with socks rolled down, stubby in hand and deep in discussion with the more cultured of sevens attendees in the form of your Pat Howell’s and your Shane Danielson’s.
In sevens past Pies has kept a low profile in terms of antics and instead been an organizing and orderly Tito Vilanova to Simon “Lugsy” Cromartys Pep Guardiola. Expect nothing new this year and perhaps an even more subdued Pies as he looks to run a tight ship once more and yet again coordinate a successful three days of drinking.
If Pies does manage to bang in a goal with those chubby feet of his expect a celebration in the form of Andrew “Millmania” Miller guns and perhaps a personal retelling of the great hat trick from no more than two shots of his younger, but not slimmer, Mosgiel seconds days.

PLAYER PROFILE

Name: Tim “Pleb” Dunn
Number: 45
Seasons with Rack City Rovers FC: 4
Position/Role: Winger/Striker
Previous Clubs: Dunedin Tech, Mosgiel, Coastal Spirit
Similar to: Antonio Valencia

If successes of previous years are to be repeated and Rack City are to go on and secure the four-peat,
it’ll require a serious case of “Don’t tell Kara” from Tim “Pleb” Dunn. Fortunately for the members of Rack City and fans alike, Stag Dunny is entering the final few months of his two and a half year tenure and like a 2L Demon Energy he’s fizzed.
A pioneer of the “Tim Dunn First Touch” Pleb’s spent the last season of his career captaining Coastal Spirit FC of Christchurch to a respectable 4th place in the Canterbury League. However, much like Pleb’s treatment of David “Pies”Bainbridge, the fans of the Rack City are ruthless, and whilst it may be respectable in the Christchurch League, a fourth place finish in the Alex’ Sevens is considered as deplorable as some of the many acts performed by Pleb that cannot even be discussed from sevens passed.
Having said that, it is these deplorable acts that make Pleb’s off field presence so integral to the functioning of Rack City, be it the eradication of nippers who have found themselves on tour, the day-to-day mockery of Pies weight or even just the casual racist abuse of unwanted fandom, it’s all part of the well-oiled machine that is Rack City Rovers.
Pleb has been tipped as the bookies favourite for Rack City MVP this year and if that is to come to fruition it wouldn’t be too unreasonable to expect such classics as the sneaky weasel, the mushroom cloud and perhaps even some dick jabbing if you’re lucky.

SOON...

Official kit presentation

It's with sadness that Rack City Rovers are forced to inform of the passing of our 2014 playing kit.
Unfortunately some t**t has decided to steal our full Purp & Green collection from the back of a car and it is unlikely to be located in time for the weekend.
So if you see the nipper next door walking to school in his player issue "Lenny 89", then feel free to execute a civilian arrest.
There will be a minutes silence prior to the teams first match on Saturday and the lads will be wearing black armbands as a sign of respect.
Taken too soon, you will be missed.

Player Profile
Name: Andrew “Molesy” Miller
Number: 24
Seasons with Rack City Rovers FC: 2
Position/Role: Conversationalist
Previous Clubs: CRT Dunedin Social Club
Similar to:
Bio: Andrew will give the Alexandra Sevens another nudge this year and could be the surprise package of the group as he looks to step out of the sporting shadow of younger brother, Ben.
Andrew warmed up for the weekend with a respectable performance on AFL Grand Final day which included some nudity, something widely accepted by those worth knowing at the annual event up Central.
His footballing pedigree leaves a lot to be desired, a brief stint with the Taieri College 1st XI in 2007 is hardly anything to boast about and if Morgan and Jesse have anything to do with it, he may find minutes on the pitch hard to come by.
Loud footsteps and constant sighing aside, Molesy should go well this year.