Blue Lake Coaching

What if nothing is wrong with you?
What a radical idea: nothing is wrong with you!
ADHD & neurodivergence don’t mean something is broken or wrong. It means that the system you have been trying to work within was not designed for you.
Those are very different ideas.
If you have a ton of energy & work on a farm, that is a great combination.
If you have a lot of energy & are expected to sit for 8 hours at a desk, that’s not a great combination.
If you notice small changes in the environment & adjust your behavior because of them, that is great when navigating in nature.
Notice changes & changing your behavior isn’t a good fit when you are expected to “not rock the boat,” or ignore the changes & pretend they aren’t there.
In both cases, the neurodivergent attributes are a benefit in one environment & a detriment in another.
Our world has evolved exponentially faster than our human bodies & minds have. It has evolved into is a rigid system of one-size-fits-all education and, in many cases, jobs.
One-size-fits-all isn’t actually true.
One-size-fits-OK is more accurate.
For the people that one-size-doesn’t-fit-at-all, there is little accommodation. Those are the folks that need to adjust to the system, not the other way around.
The irony is that when you accommodate & create for the few, everyone benefits.
Flexibility in working hours, location, & personal comfort benefits every single person in the office.
If it is too loud, wear earphones.
If you are most productive in the afternoon or evening, shift when you get your work done.
Those are two simple examples that can benefit all employees.
When you feel like you have “tried everything” & nothing works, that doesn’t mean the issue is you.
It could be that the “everything” you tried is in the one-size-that-doesn’t-fit-at-all category.
It is hard to figure that out on your own because you are in the system that you are trying to see or adjust.
Let’s get curious.
Let’s take a look at the system, or the “everything” you have tried, & see if there are adjustments that can be made.
Join me in just a couple of hours for Coaching Lab if you’re curious.

How do you know if you've been making progress?
Have you arrived yet?
Got the promotion? The pay raise that will “change everything”?
Humans adjust really quickly to new circumstances, especially improvements, & forget what came just before.
We get the promotion & all the new tasks & complexity that come with it & are sucked into the chaos on day one. Then it is our new normal and now want the next Thing
As soon as we get the Thing, our expectations adjust. We are on to the next Thing that will make it all perfect.
It is part of human nature.
You have to consciously take note when you arrive at your new level.
This takes practice for ADHDers who have been told to focus on what isn’t working.
Especially with slower transitions, like healing from surgery, initially you are in pain & you can’t do much.
Then the pain subsides, & you slowly start gaining range of motion, but rarely do you notice when you are back to “normal.”
Often it is someone we haven’t seen in a while that helps us notice.
“Jeez, look at you!”
Oh right. The last time I saw you, I was just starting to get in shape.
I recommend that clients write themselves a note of what is happening in their lives currently.
What is the biggest stressor?
What feels like the biggest challenge?
They put that note on their calendar as a reminder for six months from now.
When it pops up, you have a “flashback” of where we started.
Most are surprised at what the challenge was at the time.
They remember it being a challenge, but from their new perspective, it wouldn’t be a challenge now.
Another way to mark the journey is to have concrete, measurable milestones.
$X in the bank.
Debt free.
Walk/run X miles.
That type of thing.
Then when you hit that exact number, not a feeling, you can celebrate the win.
It is encouragement to keep going, to realize how far you have come even if you can’t feel it.
You have the numbers to prove it.
What’s a goal you have?
What is the ¼ way mark for that goal?
Celebrate that.
Then ½ way.
¾ of the way.
Then the final destination.
It reminds you that you have momentum on your side, even when it feels like you have stopped.

What is ADHD coaching really?
“So you’re an accountability partner?”
Sort of.
“Oh, you body double with folks?”
Sometimes.
“What do you do?”
I turn on my two-year-old & start asking, “Why?”
I had a client who would describe things he wanted to do, like socializing as “impossible.”
He wanted to finish a certificate program, but studying was “impossible.”
He liked slow mornings, getting up earlier than absolutely necessary felt, you guessed it, “impossible.”
Why impossible rather than challenging? Or “I just couldn’t get myself to do it”? Or really hard?
Impossible is unbending. It is more like a statement of fact. It physically cannot be done.
So we looked at what “impossible” meant to him. Why did he think in such an absolute term?
“Well, because I am not doing it. I just can’t get it done, so it’s impossible.”
Have you ever done it?
“Well, yeah, of course. I get up early or make it to meet friends sometimes, but not consistently.”
Ah, consistency.
The bane of so many ADHDers’ existence.
What we discovered about the choice of “impossible” was that it was a judgment call.
It had to be impossible. Otherwise, he would be able to do it.
One extreme or the other: “never” vs. “consistently.” Impossible vs. easy.
It seems like a small thing, but it wasn’t small for him or how he lived his life.
It was huge.
It was a weight & shame that clouded so many aspects of his life.
I am the fresh set of eyes, the different perspective that comes from a place of, “Yeah, but why?”
As soon as you have to explain or defend a position that is held together with assumptions, guesswork, & “supposed to,” it can start to fall apart.
It is just a paper lion you constructed & now perceive as real.
I give clients permission to try new things, question their absolute truths, & am a comrade in arms who understands the battle, the training, & how rigid the system can feel.
That is what coaching can look like.
And sometimes, from the outside, it is “just an easy” perspective shift.
There is nothing “easy” about changing a perspective you have held, unquestioned, for years that has shaped who you are & how you move through the world.
The concept is simple.
That does not mean it is easy.

Question 11 of 14
Why do ADHD tips work... until they don't?
If you were pounding in a nail with a cucumber, you wouldn’t blame the cucumber for doing a bad job.
That is what a lot of ADHDers do when they try a new tool. It doesn’t work, so it must be them. They must be the problem.
And it makes sense. What is the common denominator in every system, hack, or tool that didn’t work?
You.
You must be the problem because you keep switching out the tools and hacks, so that can’t be it. That just leaves you as responsible for why things don’t work.
OR
Maybe each tool, hack, and system has something in common. Maybe they are all designed to get you to fit into something.
For instance, they give you the goal of being organized and then give you tools to hit that mark.
There isn’t a lot of variation in the end result: things are labeled, in their place, color-coded, neat and tidy, and put away properly.
That is what the tool is pointing you toward.
Your organized may be multiple baskets for things, with everything grouped but not necessarily put away.
You may group outfits together instead of putting tops, bottoms, and shoes all separately.
Can you see the difference?
If your clothes are organized such that you can find what you want when you want it, then they are organized, regardless of what that picture looks like.
You are being graded on a rubric that makes no sense to you because their end goal isn’t your end goal.
This is why you can try everything and feel like nothing works.
You aren’t failing. You are pounding in a nail with a cucumber.
Sometimes the hacks, tools, and systems can sort of work, which gives you hope.
Eureka! You are getting somewhere.
But you keep bumping up against friction. The tool doesn’t feel natural. You don’t think to use it when you need it. You “just can’t be consistent” enough to get the results you want.
Another tool in the bin. Chalk it up to you just couldn’t be consistent.
Dang it!
And then you read, “Folks with ADHD have a challenge with consistency,” and you think, “Yeah, that’s me!”
And you accept that you are falling short, rather than considering that the idea or tool was a bad fit for how your energy and focus flow.

What's the ADHD challenge you wish someone would explain?
Finish this sentence:
"I wish I understood why I..."
Maybe it's:
• ...keep procrastinating.
• ...forget things that matter.
• ...can focus for hours one day and not ten minutes the next.
• ...freeze when I know exactly what needs to be done.
Leave yours in the comments.
I'll answer as many as I can during Thursday's FREE ADHD Coaching Lab.
Registration: https://calendly.com/bluelakecoaching/coaching-lab

FREE ADHD Coaching Lab
Ever read one of my posts and think...
"That's me."
This is where we take the conversation further.
Join me live on Thursday, August 13 at 12:00 PM Pacific for a free ADHD Coaching Lab.
We'll talk about:
• If being hard on yourself worked it would have worked by now.
• Your questions, answered live
That’s it just one short topic, 5 minutes then on to coaching. No power point slide deck, just an idea then coaching.
Bring your questions or just listen in. Everyone is welcome.
Registration link: https://calendly.com/bluelakecoaching/coaching-lab

What if you've been solving the wrong problem?

Many people think they're trying to become more disciplined.
Get organized. Learn time management. Create an easy-to-follow morning routine. The list goes on. This is the advice that's out there for people navigating the world with ADHD.

None of it is bad or wrong. It just misses a step.

You can organize your space, and it's a mess again within hours. You can make a project plan and still not get it done on time. That morning routine works... when you're actually able to get out of bed on time.

The missing first step is understanding what your brain is doing that makes it hard to stay organized, initiate a task, or get out of bed. Without that piece of information, you end up cycling through "guru" advice like candy at the movies and blaming yourself because it doesn't "fix" the problem.

I don't offer fixes to my clients. There's nothing that needs fixing. There is, however, a whole lot that needs understanding.

Maybe you're not organized because, if your brain can't see it, it doesn't exist.

Maybe you can't initiate a task because it feels too big, carries too much meaning, or you're not sure where to start.

Maybe getting out of bed is hard because you scrolled into the wee hours after spending the day masking and adapting.

The tools aren't the problem. They may even work for you. But if understanding how your brain works isn't part of creating the supports, they probably won't last.
You need to understand what you're working with.
You need to question the idea that you're "bad at life" because the tools haven't worked.

It isn't you.

It's a gap in understanding.

And filling that gap can make all the difference.

If this post felt a little too familiar, you're exactly who I created Coaching Lab for.

We'll start with understanding why your brain does what it does before we talk about strategies or tools.

Join us for the FREE ADHD Coaching Lab next Thursday at noon Pacific. Bring your questions, your frustrations, or just your curiosity.
Hope to see you there: https://calendly.com/bluelakecoaching/coaching-lab

Why do I keep making the same promises to myself... and breaking them?
"I'll never do that again!"
You say it after pulling an all-nighter before a deadline. You beat yourself up for leaving it to the last minute and try to lock in that terrible feeling so you'll never do it again.
Then you do it again.
This time you're even harder on yourself. You must be stupid or broken to keep repeating the same pattern.
Maybe social pressure will help, so you tell other people, "I'll never do that again!" Certain the embarrassment will stop you next time.
So you pile on more guilt, shame, and some very unkind words.
The shame and self-criticism don't work.
You're locking in that terrible feeling, but you're also making it familiar. Because your attention stays focused on not doing the Thing again, the Thing keeps occupying your thoughts.
You've also created a black-and-white choice: Never do it again or Did it again.
There's no middle ground. No room for progress.
Never and always are rarely, if ever, true.
Allowing space for improvement is the name of the game.
"I gave myself a little more time this time. I'll work on making that a little more next time."
You have to inch away from the edge.
Most ADHDers hate this idea. My clients often think it's ridiculous to celebrate leaving something until the second-to-last second instead of the very last second.
I disagree.
That's still progress.
We're often sold the dramatic makeover where old habits disappear and an "all new" version of ourselves takes over.
That rarely sticks.
Small, repeated adjustments are more likely to become familiar over time.
I remind my clients, and myself, that it's okay to have a habit for six months and then not.
Beating yourself up won't bring it back.
Changing your perspective from "That habit didn't stick" to "That habit is on a short pause" can be a game changer.
If being hard on yourself worked...
..it would have worked by now.

If this pattern feels familiar, we'll be talking about why it happens and what actually helps in my FREE ADHD Coaching Lab on Thursday, August 13th at 12 PM Pacific.
Comment LAB or grab your spot here: https://calendly.com/bluelakecoaching/coaching-lab

Parents often mistake processing delays for avoidance.
You ask a question and your teen just stares.
No response. No reaction. Just a pause that feels too long.
It’s easy to read that as ignoring you.
But in ADHD, that pause is often processing time, not resistance.
Many ADHD teens can be fast in some ways—quick to move, quick to talk, quick with ideas—but that doesn’t always mean information is landing quickly.
Processing speed, especially for verbal input, can be delayed. The words come in, but the meaning is still catching up.
So when you say something and get “What?” followed immediately by them interrupting your repetition, it’s often not defiance. It’s that the question hasn’t fully arrived yet.
Or when you ask:
“Do you have homework?”
And you get:
“No, yes, maybe, um, chemistry, I don’t know.”
That’s not avoidance. That’s a brain quickly scanning the day, trying to remember, feeling like they may have forgotten something, and feeling pressure to answer quickly.
The stress of being put on the spot can make it even harder. What you see as avoidance or defiance is often a mix of:
• delayed processing
• working memory overload
• anxiety about answering “correctly”
• limited impulse control under pressure
When behavior gets labeled as “defiant,” “lazy,” or “not caring,” it tends to become about character or intent.
But when you zoom out and ask, what might be happening underneath this behavior? the story often changes.
A helpful reframe:
Instead of “What are they trying to get away with?”
try “What might be getting lost in translation right now?”
Because behavior is communication—you are learning the language.

They may be refusing to risk doing it imperfectly.
Your teen may not be refusing to do the assignment.
They may be refusing to risk doing it imperfectly.
“It has to be perfect.”
“I can’t start until I know I can do it exactly right.”
Can most teens articulate that clearly?
Rarely.
Instead, it may look like procrastination, avoidance, shutdown, frustration, or “not caring.”
But underneath the surface, their mind may already be overloaded.
They are trying to hold everything together internally while also managing the expectations placed on them externally.
Then comes the big assignment.
“Well, why don’t they just ask for help?”
Because many teens cannot fully explain what they are feeling or where it is coming from.
They may feel ashamed they cannot do it independently.
They may genuinely believe they still have plenty of time.
They often do have a plan in their head… until time suddenly runs out.
This is not laziness.
This is a developing nervous system colliding with pressure, overwhelm, perfectionism, and uneven executive functioning skills.
Your teen may have the expectations of someone their age while still developing the internal skills needed to consistently meet them.
Get curious before you get corrective.
Ask them to walk you through their plan.
Then ask clarifying questions:
“How do you see that working?”
“What part feels hardest to start?”
“What feels most overwhelming right now?”
No judgment.
No immediate fixing.
No “I would do it this way.”
Just curiosity.
Because feeling understood often opens the door that pressure never could.