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Another $20 credit might have been preferable.
DallasFanGift.com, 12-week Cowboys story about fathers, sons, and football.

Started around 33%. Down to 9%. Seem right?
DallasFanGift.com, 12-week Cowboys story about fathers, sons, and football.

Week 10 bye update: Cowboys don't lose.
DallasFanGift, the 12-week Cowboys story gift about fathers, sons, and football.

Full satire report 👇
“We didn’t need DeMarco back then, and we don’t need Micah now either.” — Jerry (allegedly)

Micah Parsons Nervous as Jerry Jones Calls DeMarco Murray Deal a “Blueprint”

FRISCO, TX — Cowboys linebacker Micah Parsons is reportedly “extremely concerned” after team owner Jerry Jones announced Tuesday that he’ll personally be leading Parsons’ contract negotiations, proudly citing the 2015 DeMarco Murray deal as his blueprint.

“We let DeMarco walk to Philly and everything worked out fine,” said Jones, adjusting a framed photo of himself and Jimmy Johnson labeled “This is why we can’t have nice things.” “Micah’s got nothing to worry about. I always take care of my stars ... eventually.”

Jones, who once called a $12 million guarantee “spicy money,” has reportedly offered Parsons a 3-year, $18 million deal with incentives for sacks, forced fumbles, and "general good vibes around the locker room."

Sources inside the facility say Parsons has grown increasingly anxious, frequently checking his phone and asking teammates how long it takes to learn a new defensive scheme, hypothetically.

“He’s the cornerstone of our defense,” Jones added. “But I also don’t want to set a dangerous precedent where players think they can just… get paid.”

When asked about comparisons to the DeMarco Murray situation where the NFL's leading rusher was allowed to sign with a division rival for slightly more money, Jones beamed.

“Exactly. That’s the blueprint. We let him go, saved cap space, and had a great plan in place with... uh... who did we start the next year?”

At press time, Parsons was seen browsing Zillow listings in Miami, Philadelphia, and “literally any city with competent ownership.”

Javonte Williams Caught Smuggling 600 Pounds of Denver BBQ Ribs into Dallas Locker Room

FRISCO, TX – In a scandal that has rocked America’s Team harder than a playoff loss, new Dallas Cowboys running back Javonte Williams was apprehended Tuesday attempting to sneak 600 pounds of Denver-style BBQ ribs into the team’s locker room at The Star. The former Bronco, signed to a one-year, $3 million deal to revive the Cowboys’ anemic run game, reportedly couldn’t stomach the transition from Colorado’s smoky slabs to Texas’ sacred brisket.

“I just needed a taste of home, man,” a sauce-stained Williams told reporters, clutching a rib bone like a security blanket as security hauled him away. “Y’all think burnt ends are a culture?
Denver ribs are my therapy—my knee demands it!”

Sources say the 24-year-old bruiser orchestrated the heist with military precision, stashing the contraband in a hollowed-out tackling dummy labeled “Extra Blocking Pad.” The plan unraveled when teammate Micah Parsons, sniffing the air like a bloodhound during a stretching session, bellowed, “Who brought the good stuff?!” Within minutes, the locker room devolved into a scene witnesses described as “Lord of the Flies meets a Golden Corral all-you-can-eat special.”

“Guys were gnawing ribs off the floor,” said head coach Mike McCarthy, wiping grease from his playbook. “Dak [Prescott] traded his cleats for a rack. CeeDee [Lamb] built a fort out of rib crates. I’ve never seen a 4-3 defense surrender so fast—to meat.”

The Cowboys’ front office, already under fire for a lackluster offseason, scrambled to contain the fallout. Owner Jerry Jones emerged from his luxury suite, chomping a cigar and inexplicably holding a half-eaten rib he swore “fell from the sky,” to address the chaos. “Look, I respect a man who knows his flavors,” Jones drawled, wiping sauce on a $5,000 suit. “But this is Texas, son. You smuggle brisket or you smuggle nothing. We’ll fine him a draft pick and call it even.”

Williams’ rib rebellion reportedly began after a team nutritionist swapped his beloved Denver BBQ—slathered in a tangy, molasses-heavy sauce—for a leaner, Lone Star-approved diet of kale smoothies and mesquite-dusted chicken breasts. “I ran for 900 yards as a rookie with ribs in my gut,” Williams allegedly screamed during a team meeting. “You think kale’s gonna get me past the Eagles’ D-line? I’ll die first!”

The incident has sparked a locker room mutiny, with players boycotting practice to demand a BBQ amnesty. Offensive lineman Tyler Smith was spotted fashioning a spit roast from a broken goalpost, while tight end Jake Ferguson declared, “Javonte’s a hero. Texas BBQ’s overrated—fight me.” Local BBQ purists, meanwhile, have picketed The Star, wielding signs reading “Ribs Are Treason” and “Keep Your Mile-High Meat Outta Big D.”

NFL analysts speculate this could be the spark Dallas needs—or the grease fire that ends their season. “If Williams can channel that rib rage into 1,200 yards, he’s a genius,” said ESPN’s Rex Ryan, licking his lips mid-broadcast. “If not, they’re just the most delicious 6-11 team in history.”

As of press time, Williams remained unrepentant, barricaded in the equipment room with the last 50 pounds of his stash. “Tell Jerry he can have my signing bonus back,” he shouted through the door, “but these ribs stay with me ‘til the Super Bowl—or ‘til I pass out, whichever comes first.”

Dak Prescott Hires Hypnotist to Erase 44-19 Loss from Cowboys' Collective Memory

DALLAS—In a move that has left sports analysts scratching their heads, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott has enlisted a hypnotist to help the team forget their recent 44-19 defeat to the New Orleans Saints. “We’re going to hypnotize away that loss,” Prescott declared, “just like you’d erase a chalkboard after a particularly bad math test.”

The hypnotist, who specializes in sports amnesia, arrived at the Cowboys’ practice facility armed with a swinging pocket watch and a slew of vague suggestions. “You’re feeling drowsy,” he murmured as players stared blankly, “and you absolutely do not remember getting trampled by the Saints.”

Team coaches are reportedly skeptical. “The best way to move on from a loss,” Mike McCarthy noted, “is to actually address what went wrong, not just pretend it never happened.” Prescott, however, remains convinced that a good trance is the cure for all ills, including an embarrassing scoreboard.

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Jerry Jones Already Practicing Lombardi Trophy Acceptance, Forcing McCarthy to Role-Play Goodell

DALLAS—Just one week into the NFL season, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has already begun rehearsing his Lombardi Trophy acceptance speech, despite the Super Bowl being five months away and the team’s sole win being against the hapless Deshaun Watson-led Browns. In an enthusiastic display of preemptive triumph, Jones has reportedly been staging elaborate role-playing sessions in his office.

In these rehearsals, Jones forces Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy to don a suit and act as NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, where he’s forced to feign enthusiasm, and hand a pretend Lombardi Trophy to Jones.

Jones then practices graciously accepting the trophy, dramatically declaring, “How ‘bout them Cowboys!” to an imaginary crowd of jubilant fans. Sources say McCarthy’s performance as Goodell involves a lot of sighing and pretending to be slightly bored.

“Jerry’s really committed,” said one insider. “He’s even practicing the awkward hug he’ll give Goodell when he realizes the trophy is heavier than expected.”

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Jerry Jones Petitions NFL to Play Deshaun Watson-Led Browns Every Week, Offers Roger Goodell "Gifts”

DALLAS—After steamrolling the Browns in Week 1, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is reportedly lobbying NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to change the team's schedule so they face the Deshaun Watson-led Browns every week. "We just think it’s what’s best for the league," said Jones, while winking aggressively and nudging Goodell with his elbow.

Jones, known for his creativity, has allegedly started offering the commissioner “gifts” to sweeten the deal. Rumor has it, Jones offered NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a lifetime supply of brisket and unfettered access to his yachts.

“It’s about creating the best entertainment for fans. And what’s more entertaining than watching us rack up wins?” Jones added, while handing Goodell a signed, blank check.

“Look, we’re all about winning, and we’ve found a strategy that works for us," said Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy, grinning. "Why fix what isn’t broken? We’ll just face the Browns 17 times."

When reached for comment, Goodell responded, "No, Jerry, we can’t change the schedule," but reportedly kept the blank check.

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Mike McCarthy Terrified After Discovering Season Opener Will Be Televised

DALLAS—In an unexpected twist, Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy has revealed a profound sense of dread about the upcoming season opener against the Cleveland Browns. The cause of his anxiety? The startling realization that the game will be televised.

“I obviously knew we had a game, but completely forgot how many people will be watching,” McCarthy admitted, eyes wide with terror. “Realizing everyone will see every bad play call, every awkward sideline exchange … all broadcast in high definition.”

Sources say McCarthy is now obsessively reviewing old game footage, practicing his “intense but calm” facial expressions on the sidelines, and might start wearing a Tom Landry style hat, “to look cooler” he mused, “maybe even sunglasses like a celebrity trying to avoid the paparazzi.”

One healthy side effect of McCarthy’s concerns over his appearance on television is that it’s motivated him to clean up his diet in an effort to lose a few pounds because he’s heard the camera adds ten pounds.

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