Building a Eucharistic Marriage

As a parent of seven children, I have come to believe that every child’s mission in life is to figure out how to pull one over on their parents so that they can get what they want. Maybe I am overstating this, but this is what it feels like on many days. Children will beg and plead until you feel as though you will explode, which is what we do sometimes, or we give in to get them off our back. However, I’ve learned that it is not just about them just trying to get what they want, but it is also their way of discovering established boundaries and testing them to see if they are flexible, breakable, or unmovable. The family is a safe place for our children to learn how to deal with rules and boundaries because out in the world, they will be up against a lot more of them that have bigger consequences. If we do not guide them well in this arena, they will have a ‘tough go of it’ out there. So, it is important as parents that we work as a team and make sure that we are consistent in our plan of action, discipline, and follow-through.

Kids need consistency. So, it becomes important for you and your spouse to decide, early on, the boundaries you want for your family, what to do if the boundaries need some tweaking, and how you plan to deal with the “back-door” approach (i.e., If Mom says no, then I’ll just go ask Dad). If you and your spouse are not on the same page, your kids will figure out your weakness and work it to their advantage. If they discover boundaries are unmovable, they will be forced to reconsider their options or let the issue go. Many parents struggle with this at times, because they don’t like it when their kids are angry with them. But remember, your job is not to always be liked, but to love them by keeping them safe and to give them healthy life tools. Also remember, it is okay to say ‘NO’ to your kids.

It is also important to recognize that sometimes a boundary needs to change due to our children’s changing needs OR because we see that what we intended is not what we are getting. It is important to regularly re-evaluate our family guidelines and rules, always making sure not to undermine our spouse, and not to make changes based on unhealthy outside pressure. The critical thing is that spouses work together, seek to be properly informed, keep their mission in mind, and with guidance, set and shape family boundaries. Consistency is the key!

ACTION STEP: This week, sit down with your spouse and evaluate your unified consistency in parenting, or lack thereof. Seek ways to unify in this area.

“Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.” – St. Pope John Paul 2, From his book “Love and Responsibility.”

My colleague and I were recently reflecting on the topic of selfishness in regard to one of the main issues we were seeing in most counseling couples. So many spouses often find themselves in a ‘bad state’ in their marriage when one or both become more self-focused rather than other focused. The sad part is that we thought about how much this has also played out, in big and subtle ways, in our own marriages over the years. When we boiled it all down, at the root, selfishness comes when we don’t trust God or our loved ones to truly meet our ‘needs’ and we seek to meet them through our misguided ‘desires’ and ‘wants.’

We seek to love and be loved, yet when we don’t truly believe in God’s love for us or our spouse’s love for us, due to struggles, arguments, and hardships, we may find ourselves seeking for it in other unhealthy relationships. We long for peace and joy, but when we can’t see it in our marriage or when the world’s troubles make us doubt God’s presence in our lives, we can often turn to using possessions, risky experiences, alcohol, drugs, money, etc. to try to make us happy or to fill the void. Yet each one of these substitutes often comes with a price or a destructive effect, and never truly satisfies our hunger. We may even utilize lies to cover up our search for and acquisition of these things, due to our spouse’s opposition to them, and often risk damaging our marital relationship even more. The further we divide in marriage, the deeper the selfishness often grows.

The answer: seeking to know and trust in God more and seeking to become more Eucharistic in our marriage. It’s not easy, but these are the first steps. First, we must develop a trust in God that He will meet all of our needs if we remain faithful to Him. Second, if spouses are both being Eucharistic in marriage and working hard at ‘feeding’ each other’s needs, there is often a fulfillment and satisfaction that accompanies these actions. Spouses, if feeling really cared for and secure in their marriage, will often encourage each other in things that they want to do that are healthy, productive, and stress reducing (i.e. hobbies, retreats, dad and mom nights out, gardening, woodworking, etc.). Will this totally eliminate selfishness? No, because we live in a broken world. Will it reduce the amount of selfishness? Well, why don’t you all help me test it out?

ACTION STEP: This week, look for ways to understand your spouse’s daily needs and work to help them get their needs met.

My wife and I have recently been dealing with many changes in our lives as our kids grow up and become their own ‘persons.’ We recently had one child get married and moved to Oregon, another one that gave birth to our second grandchild and moved to Virginia, and three that are spending their summer break from college working at retreat centers far away. The last one at home is growing up fast, mourning the changes with his older siblings, while becoming more independent himself. In the midst of it all, my wife and I have had to deal with a plethora of emotions and challenges. As I have said to my adult children just recently, “it seems that my life is decreasing as your lives are increasing.”

I know this sounds dramatic and depressing, but in many ways, it is true. My parenting role is decreasing. My energy level is decreasing. My kid’s dependence on me is decreasing. On the positive side, my food bills, household noise levels, and expenses are also decreasing. With all of these changes though, my wife and I have had to learn to navigate through them, grieve the losses, and readjust our plans moving forward. Sometimes there is just no easy way to do it. We must bear these crosses that come with having and loving children. They bring so much to our life that we feel the great void when even one of them is missing. If spouses are not careful, however, these changes can create a deep divide between them.

What have my wife and I learned? First, always work on your marriage so that when your kids leave someday, you do not also find that you have lost knowing who your spouse is. Second, when your children are still with you, together with your spouse, make every day memorable even if you do it only in small ways. Third, when you go through the trials as a couple, do not force each other to “get back to a happy state.” Sometimes, we just need to cry together and embrace each other through it. It will not kill you. Be patient and work together with your spouse on building a new ‘normal’ in your life. However, most of all, keep praying together and asking God to guide you through every stage.

ACTION STEP: This week, seek new ways to work together with your spouse through your current trials. Stop trying to bear them alone or allowing your spouse to bear them alone.

“When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.” - G.K. Chesterton

A big problem for couples who have been married for a longer period of time is complacency. We are faced with the responsibility of so much in our life that we often allow our marital relationship to go into ‘autopilot.’ With so much to do in our day-to-day life - work, house maintenance, raising children, attending activities, etc., we can often take our marriage for granted and forget to listen to and consider the needs of our spouse. Then, when we feel forgotten or neglected, we can move towards feelings of resentment or frustration toward each other. The solution: gratitude.

Do we take time everyday to count our blessings and to thank God for the many gifts He has given to us, or do we take them for granted and get frustrated with God when problems arise? Do we notice the things our spouse does for us on a daily basis and show them gratitude for these gifts or do we find ourselves often focused on all of their mistakes, faults, and shortcomings? Do we take time for each other and work to be intentional in our time together and in our communication with each other, or do we go into our own little world while we are together, through our phones and computers?

Going to church each week should remind us that we are called to be a people of gratefulness. The Eucharistic celebration of the Mass is just that. Eucharist (or Eucharistia) literally means “thanksgiving.” We go to Mass to give God thanks for everything we have and everything He has given us. But even this can be taken for granted. So, we need to continually awaken ourselves from our stupor, turn off our ‘autopilot,’ and work at showing our appreciation to God, our spouse, and our children, even if just in little ways. We should continually build up our family bonds and live with our heart and head fully ‘in the game.’

ACTION STEP: This week, seek out the areas in your family life where you have grown complacent and seek new ways to show gratitude.

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” - Fr. Theodore Hesburgh, Catholic Priest, Author, & Educator

Often in couple’s counseling, I’m called upon to help couples bridge the division around issues regarding the raising and disciplining of their children. This is a huge concern for many marriages due to individual differences when it comes to parenting ideas and beliefs. People often get stuck in ideas of “the best way” to raise children, usually stemming from positive or negative experiences from their own childhood, and they argue with their spouse about their way being right and their spouse’s way being wrong. The problem is that with every newly developing family comes new dynamics, new problems, new challenges, and new personalities, which call for a new approach.

I often encourage couples to stop trying to win the argument and to spend more time working together on what is best for their family. The important thing is that we work as a team to come up with a plan for shaping, guiding and disciplining our family and to support each other in the process. We need to pull from some things we’ve learned from our past, pull from some things we’ve learned from others whom we admire and trust, and to pull from some things that we learn from trial and error. But this requires both parents to work together and seek not only what is best, but also take into consideration our spouse’s needs and struggles.

As stated in the quote above, the first thing that needs to happen for the successful raising of our children is to give them a sense of safety and security in their home-life. This starts with seeking God's guidance and grace first, and then through loving and respecting your spouse. We need to work as a team and support each other through successes as well as failures, and to continue to work together on better ways to help our kids learn about life, love, and self-control. This calls for us primarily to nurture and maintain love and self-control in our relationship with each other.

ACTION STEP: This week, pray for more opportunities to show your kids how much you love them by showing them how much you love your spouse.

Today, many children in the world are given little to no direction when it comes to faith and virtues. We are so busy with work and chores and activities that faith and family life suffer, sometimes without us even knowing it. There was a study done in 2009 that showed when a family was active in their faith and church’s parish life, around 78 percent of their children remained in the faith into their adult lives while 22 percent left the faith. For those who had little involvement and only went to church occasionally, those numbers were reversed (Barna Group, 2009, New Research Explores Long-Term Effect of Spiritual Activity among Children and Teens).

We have to realize that we are not just creatures of habit, but creations looking for the Creator. We long for truth and God to be a deep part of our life. We need to teach our kids AND model for them what it means to know and be followers of Christ. We need to show them how to give to others joyfully and generously, starting with them. If we neglect doing these things, then our children go hungry for that truth, and will look elsewhere. They will grow weary of a church home that has no spiritual depth, or parents who are very lukewarm about their faith. So as parents, it is necessary that we first and foremost KNOW, or are growing in knowing, our faith. Then we have to continually GROW our faith through a Sacramental and faith-centered life. We have to SHOW our faith daily through our actions and choices, because actions speak louder than words. Finally, we have to SOW it in the hearts of our children through traditions and ongoing teaching.

2 Timothy 4: 2-4 – Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.

The more we infuse our family’s daily life with a focus on the Creator, who gave us EVERYTHING we have, our children will form a mindset around this for their own future. It is harder to let go of a way of life than it is to discard an unused or undervalued add-on in your life, especially when times get busy or tough.

ACTION STEP: This week, find a new way of making faith more central in your family’s life.

Life has a way of sucking the life out of us if we allow it. Bills and broken relationships, illnesses and responsibilities, extended family issues, and technology all have a way of creating distraction, anxiety, doubt, and sometimes despair. I understand that some issues can be very burdensome and weigh heavy in our lives, but if we do not find a way to laugh at times, the tears will swallow us up, and we will miss the healing that can come through connecting with our children and spouse through those times of fun. We have to be intentional about it and not just wait for it to happen on its own!

If we are to achieve this, we can’t demand fun, but we need to procure it, and see the part we play in making it happen. I use the acronym L.A.U.G.H.S. to take a look at how to work towards this in your own family:
1. Learn to Laugh at Life! Not destructively, but whimsically and cleverly. Learn to laugh at yourself and life. We need to teach our kids how to not take life so seriously all the time and to learn how to laugh productively.
2. Assure Attentive Activities! There are so many things competing for our attention today that even if we are trying to have fun, it is often cut short by distractions. If we are to build upon those magic moments of connection, interaction and fun, we need to be able to build in family rules around things like phone calls, texts, TV, etc. and be willing to abide by them ourselves.
3. Utilize the Unexpected, Unplanned Moments! Some of the most memorable and funny moments in my family have come out of actions and reactions with each other that were spontaneous, unexpected, and unplanned.
4. Get Out of the Grueling Daily Grind! It’s too easy to have an excuse ‘why’ we don’t have time for games or playing with our kids. Yes, things do need to get done, but are we willing to put them aside now and then to have those moments of joy and laughter which build lifelong memories?
5. Have Harmonious Hilarity! This is a funny way of saying: “Have fun, but make sure you know what your wife and children think is fun and funny.”
6. Simplify, Simplify, Simplify! Simply put: If you’ve got too much going on in your life, you won’t have time or energy for the magic moments.

ACTION STEP: This week, implement one of these suggestions (or more than one).

“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matt. 6:21). Today, we are seeing an epidemic of millions of people whose lives are controlled by a 3-inch by 6-inch piece of plastic, glass, and wire.

Some even, unknowingly, worship it through bowing their head and their will to it, looking for life answers, meaning, and connections. Daily it consumes hours of their time and attention and causes them distress when it is lost or out of their sight. When it beckons them with its familiar tone, they will disengage with whatever or whomever they are connecting with, in order to gain the next “dopamine rush” from the expected or unexpected message that it is being conveyed or relayed. It is a gateway to the world, and to the loneliness of a consumed heart. If it’s not obvious by now, I’m talking about a cell phone. The question we all must ask ourselves is, “Is this phone my tool or my tempter?”

In my experience as a marriage therapist, I have seen the great destructiveness of cell phones on the marriages of so many couples. People have used it to consume hours of their time scrolling through websites, social media, emails, texts, etc. as they sit, non-communicative, in the same room as their spouse and family. It has been a gateway into easily accessible po*******hy, chat room discussions, and dating sights which are easily hidden.

Through it, we connect with so many people around the world while at the same time neglecting the needs and lives of the ones residing in the home we live. We allow it to entertain us, to overwhelm us, and to be the main source of our topics for discussion. It has the power to tempt us away from the hearts of those we love and to abdicate precious hours of time that could be used to build up the Kingdom of God around us.

My suggestion? We need to see this device as a tool. A tool to accomplish a task and then be put down or away when the task is done. A tool that draws our life toward the good, the true, and the beautiful and, whenever used, should be utilized to build up and not tear down. We should have time and usage boundaries with it, as well as safeguards put on it. And, it should NEVER take precedence over the time we are utilizing to strengthen our bond of unity with God and with loved ones. That should be our greatest treasure.

ACTION STEP: This week, find more ways to make your phone a ‘tool’ rather than a ‘tempter.’