Building a Eucharistic Marriage

“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matt. 6:21). Today, we are seeing an epidemic of millions of people whose lives are controlled by a 3-inch by 6-inch piece of plastic, glass, and wire.

Some even, unknowingly, worship it through bowing their head and their will to it, looking for life answers, meaning, and connections. Daily it consumes hours of their time and attention and causes them distress when it is lost or out of their sight. When it beckons them with its familiar tone, they will disengage with whatever or whomever they are connecting with, in order to gain the next “dopamine rush” from the expected or unexpected message that it is being conveyed or relayed. It is a gateway to the world, and to the loneliness of a consumed heart. If it’s not obvious by now, I’m talking about a cell phone. The question we all must ask ourselves is, “Is this phone my tool or my tempter?”

In my experience as a marriage therapist, I have seen the great destructiveness of cell phones on the marriages of so many couples. People have used it to consume hours of their time scrolling through websites, social media, emails, texts, etc. as they sit, non-communicative, in the same room as their spouse and family. It has been a gateway into easily accessible po*******hy, chat room discussions, and dating sights which are easily hidden.

Through it, we connect with so many people around the world while at the same time neglecting the needs and lives of the ones residing in the home we live. We allow it to entertain us, to overwhelm us, and to be the main source of our topics for discussion. It has the power to tempt us away from the hearts of those we love and to abdicate precious hours of time that could be used to build up the Kingdom of God around us.

My suggestion? We need to see this device as a tool. A tool to accomplish a task and then be put down or away when the task is done. A tool that draws our life toward the good, the true, and the beautiful and, whenever used, should be utilized to build up and not tear down. We should have time and usage boundaries with it, as well as safeguards put on it. And, it should NEVER take precedence over the time we are utilizing to strengthen our bond of unity with God and with loved ones. That should be our greatest treasure.

ACTION STEP: This week, find more ways to make your phone a ‘tool’ rather than a ‘tempter.’

One area that causes a lot of grief between couples is parenting difficult children. Let’s face it though, raising any child has its difficulties whether or not they have challenging personalities, cranky moments, or special needs. These unique characteristics, however, inevitably add to the complexity, time, energy, patience, and resources needed to address these children’s specific needs. Either way, the struggles we face as a couple in raising children often will cause strain and division in our relationship if we have different parenting styles or expectations.

When I address this problem with struggling couples, I often ask them if they have a plan for raising their children, to which many people look at me a little bewildered. I have learned over the many years of raising seven children, who all have very different personalities, needs, and quirks, that, if my wife and I are not on the same page with each other in dealing with each child’s particular needs or challenging behaviors, we will find ourselves at odds with each other. This disconnect often manifests as arguments in front of the kids, undermining statements of our spouse’s choice of discipline, or confusing messages given to the child.

When couples are not, in the thick of parenting tense situations, is the best moment for them to come up with a plan. This is the time to discuss agreed up consequences that may be utilized for each specific child. It is important to decide the ways in which we plan to support each other through discussing disagreements about parenting out of earshot of our children; through demanding respect of our children for our spouse and actively defending them when our kids display disrespect; and through creating ways to reduce how our children try to pit our decisions against our spouse’s decisions. It is also important to help each other in keeping our emotions from getting the best of us through mutual support, so that we can effectively discipline through calm yet assertive means.

Parenting is not for sissies, and it takes an intentional and unified effort in order to be successful and beneficial to all involved. As the saying goes: “If you fail to plan, then plan to fail.”

ACTION STEP: This week, take time to work with your spouse on a parenting plan.

I am a morning person. I make no apologies to all you night owls who have little appreciation for those of us who look forward to getting up at the crack of dawn, with a smile on our face and a bounce in our step. The morning has always given me a feeling of a new start to life, no matter what kind of hassles I had to deal with the day before. I have found that this has always been the time of day that I am at my best and most clear of thought. My wife on the other hand has always been a night owl and feels that the alarm clock was invented by the devil himself.

However, since having kids, I have been greatly challenged in my love of mornings and now find myself being more like my wife. After working all day, and then playing with the kids when I get home, I find that my evenings are vital for connecting with my wife, doing projects that I couldn’t get to, cleaning up the remainder of the house that the kids didn’t get to, and doing things that I consider little selfish pleasures.

Now the dilemma in all of this is that I’m staying up later to do all these things and not getting to bed until……oh, midnight let say (if I’m lucky) ...and so it has made my enjoyment of mornings slowly deteriorate. I’m finding that I have started a pattern of hitting the snooze button at least four times every morning and hoping that it’s actually Saturday and I mistakenly set the alarm. I have also become addicted to the legal morning pep drug called “coffee”. Unfortunately, I have at times lost that smile that I used to have each morning and often the pep in my step is becoming the drag in my swag. I find myself longing for the day that I can wake up with energy in the morning once again and watch the sun rise.

However, I have to remind myself that when that day comes, life will be so much different than it is now. My Dad used to say, “don’t wish time away because you’ll wake up one day as an old man, your kids all grown, and your lovely wife will be gone.” He was speaking from experience. What he was saying to me was: enjoy what you have while you have it and don’t get lost in where the grass may be greener; you’ll miss what’s most important today. So now I try to push past my discomfort in the morning in order to appreciate the dawning of another day with my lovely wife and beautiful children and enjoy every moment of watching my son rise!

ACTION STEP: This week, take more time to thank God for the moments you have been given and not bemoan the ones you wish you had instead.

Why is it that we spend so much energy falling in love only to exert so little energy staying in love? I used to write my spouse (girlfriend at the time) love poems and write her love songs and sing them to her in a crowd of people. I would open doors for her and carry her over puddles. Then we got married, and the romantic part of my brain just seemed to shrivel up. Oh yeah, I brought her home flowers on our anniversary and took her out to dinner, but most of the time I got them on the way home and looked for the marked down ones at the grocery store. I also made her pick the restaurant because I was too indecisive.

I’m not sure when the rock hit me in the head and finally woke me up, but I realized how little I put into our Anniversary which symbolized one of the greatest days of my life. I stood at the altar years before and promised to give her my life, my love and to make her my number one. Then too quickly, I pushed her back to number three or four behind other commitments and things that needed to be done day in and day out.

Since that time, I have corrected my errors and have spent much more time, days if not weeks, before our Anniversary planning something special. I try to look for ways to say that not only have I been thinking about you, but you are so very special to me every day.

One Anniversary, I surprised her by taking her to a local church, pastored by a friend of ours, and we renewed our vows. Then we drove to the college where we first met and we spent time remembering our first date, our first kiss, and where I proposed to her. From there we went out to eat and afterwards I took her to a hotel, where there were flowers and cheesecake and no distractions from our children or other commitments. There I told her again how much I loved her and how much I enjoyed every day with her.
I have finally come to realize the greatest present we can give is our ‘presence’ in the PRESENT! It’s a hard Anniversary to top, but you can bet I’ll keep trying. However, the biggest downfall of this whole evening was that, due to my wife telling all of her friends about it, their husbands hated me for months for this one. Oh well, I can live with that.

ACTION STEP: This week, take some time and plan something very special for your spouse, and then surprise them with it!

Titus 2:11-12 – “For the grace of God has appeared, saving all and training us to reject godless ways and worldly desires and to live temperately, justly, and devoutly in this age.”

We live in a world that offers us so many ways to lose our sense of self control. We are bombarded with so much information and stimuli through our phones, the internet, email, and social media that often suck away our time and attention in large amounts. We have stresses in our jobs, our commute to places and events, our responsibilities, our finances, and more, that cause us to feel angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed. We have temptations that play on our concupiscence – alcohol, drugs, po*******hy, overeating, and other addictions. There are so many ways we often lose our sense of self-control, and with it we add more possibilities for creating a divide between us and others, especially our spouse.

In marriage, we rely on each other to help us in getting our needs met and in helping us navigate the stresses, problems, and challenges of life. This becomes harder to do when we lose our ability to focus on our commitment to each other due to addictions, loss of emotional control, and loss of time and attention for one another. We have to be able to find balance in our life and ultimately control the things that have the most control over us.
First, we have to admit the problem and see it as a problem.

Second, we need to build boundaries with or against unhealthy or unhelpful behaviors and patterns. This may consist of setting time limits, cutting activities or certain social media out of our life, learning techniques for calming our anger, or having accountability partners or a regulating apps on our devices; all depending on our particular struggle. Third, we need to draw God back into the center of our lives with personal and couple’s prayer, Eucharistic adoration, Scripture, and church attendance. Lastly, we need to build new healthy patterns into our lives, through God’s grace, and give it time to become a new way of life.

ACTION STEP: This week, identify one unhealthy pattern in your life and start working on a healthier pattern to replace it with in your life.

“Love each other as God loves each one of you, with an intense and particular love. Be kind to each other: It is better to commit faults with gentleness than to work miracles with unkindness.”
St. Teresa of Calcutta.

I know I have talked about this concept before when it comes to marriage, but it doesn’t hurt to say it again…and again…and again. Gentleness is critical when it comes to our marital relationship. Too often we lack this virtue with our spouse because we have higher expectations of them, our disappointment in their mistakes is greater due to our dependence on them, or we have fears or past hurts that cause us to, at times, question their true intentions or sincerity. We react to these upsetting situations often with frustration, anger, or disbelief. However, this type of response usually results in arguments or emotional withdrawal. With both of these responses comes marital division.

When we make mistakes, it can be humbling or embarrassing to see the pain we’ve caused our spouse. It’s understandable for there to be an initial stage of frustration and disappointment for our spouse. But when their anger continues to pummel or punish us, even after we have apologized and are seeking to make amends, eventually it can complicate and exacerbate the process of trying to make things better.

Our best defense in any situation is to have a productive and heartfelt discussion that brings about understanding and resolve. Gentleness helps in creating an environment that is inviting and helps us have a better chance of encouraging a unified approach towards resolution. I often tell my students and clients that if we are going to have any chance at keeping unity in our marriage, we need to build communication that is welcoming, not aggressive. Assertive, but gentle.

ACTION STEP: This week, practice more gentleness with your spouse, especially when it is the hardest.

Faithfulness in marriage is, first and foremost, living out our marital commitment with unbreakable fidelity for the sake of our family and the Church. In the Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World Gaudium et spes (48), it states: “Thus a man and a woman, who by their compact of conjugal love "are no longer two, but one flesh" (Matt. 19:ff), render mutual help and service to each other through an intimate union of their persons and of their actions. Through this union they experience the meaning of their oneness and attain to it with growing perfection day by day. As a mutual gift of two persons, this intimate union and the good of the children impose total fidelity on the spouses and argue for an unbreakable oneness between them.”

Our marital strength builds up the lives of our children and builds up the “Body of Christ,’ the Church. However, our bigger acts of faithfulness need to flow from the smaller acts of faithfulness that each of us are faced with daily. Each choice we make daily, to live out our love and commitment with our spouse, while at the same time guarding our hearts from sin and division, strengthens our resolve for the bigger trials we will face. When our relationship is strained and weakened by lies, secrets, harshness, sarcasm, frustration, anger, and such, it can cause our hearts to be vulnerable to temptations that can destroy our union if acted upon.

So everyday work on building up your faithfulness in marriage. Tell the truth immediately no matter how hard it may be. Apologize quickly and sincerely. Be gentle in your responses and gentle in your disappointments. Follow through with your promises and always be a person of your word. Give when it is easy but also when it is hard. Live out your marital oath of being true in good times and in bad, in sickness and when physically sound, when money is plentiful and when it is sparse, with a resolve to do all of this until death.

ACTION STEP: This week, seek to live out daily the small acts of faithfulness for your spouse and your marriage. Seek to do them with joy.

In the past, I did a talk at a local church titled, “Expecting So Much, Giving So Little.” I started off by talking about how many of us experience this type of attitude in those we work with, those around us, and even our children. We even see Jesus accusing the Pharisees of this behavior – (Matthew 23: 1-4) “Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to his disciples, saying, ‘The scribes and the Pharisees have taken their seat on the chair of Moses. Therefore, do and observe all things whatsoever they tell you, but do not follow their example. For they preach but they do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens hard to carry and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they will not lift a finger to move them.’” How often do we get frustrated with others who complain about not getting the help, the attention, or the love that they hoped for or need, yet they are sparse in giving these same things to others?

So, do not “focus on the splinter in your brother’s eye,” when you have done little to deal with the “plank in your own eye.” In marriage, we are called to be each other’s helpmate which indicates that we have committed, through an oath, to assist our spouse in getting their needs met. However, we get frustrated when their needs get in the way of our comfort or our desires. How often have I heard my wife or children ask me (because of my skill in this area), “Can you rub my back, please? It really aches,” to which I find myself internally getting irritated. I’m sure my body language also conveys that same emotion outwardly. In contrast, I also find myself getting indignant when I am the one asking for help from others and receive the same kind of ‘annoyed’ response.

Love calls for us to have a generous heart which is exampled in our generous giving. Marriage is a Sacrament of sacrifice calling us to Eucharistically give to one another generously and lovingly. Bearing and caring for children also calls us to a similar type of sacrifice. So, we need to ask ourselves, “Am I willing give as much as I expect?” Or better yet, “am I willing to give without counting the cost?” Jesus did, and He doesn’t expect anything of us, that He’s not willing to do Himself.

ACTION STEP: This week, look for opportunities to give help, attention, or love more generously to our spouse and our children.