07/19/2023
Self-reflection, over the past three years, has left me speechless!
I am so proud of the guy on the right. This is where I am today, and to me, it is 100% a miracle by the grace of God. (I'll get to the guy on the left at the end), but first I'll provide a little history, so you have some context.
From a young age, I struggled with addiction, drug abuse, and self-esteem issues. I was the fat kid growing up... I was never comfortable in my own skin. Always seeking the approval of others, in all the wrong ways. I graduated high school at 5’5” and 260lbs. I was always active, and very athletic, despite my size.
Raised on a 5k acre Vreeland family grain farm in Michigan (I believe the 2nd or 3rd largest in the state at the time), work ethic was instilled in me at a young age. I was beyond blessed with an AMAZING father (who I fought with at every possible turn, being the stubborn person I am). He taught me to think for myself, be the hardest worker in the room, to find my own way. He taught me to take pride in EVERYTHING I do. "How you do one thing is how you do everything" still resonates SOOOO much with me. Every time I want to quit, or take a shortcut, those words come in my head and I immediately get more motivation to do it right and finish what I started. Complacency is a slippery slope.... once you start accepting less than your best, it's easy to allow it to snowball. My father passed away from colon cancer when I was 21yrs old. This was very hard for me to handle, and I spent the next 5-6 years in and out of drug problems, partying and showing ZERO growth.
In that time, I had found the gym and lost tons of weight (not in a healthy or proper manner) partying all night, alcohol, drugs, etc... basically I was shredded because I didn't eat. But I always managed to hit the gym at 7am, whether I slept or not... whether I was still buzzed or not... something always kept pulling me to the gym. Looking back, I think this was my release, my coping mechanism and an outlet for my penned up anger and frustrations.
I had a rude awakening around my 25th birthday when I overdosed on co***ne. I had a seizure at my house... woke up drenched in sweat very dazed and confused. Right then and there I decided I was going to make a change. I quit everything... all drugs, and alcohol and dove into the gym with everything I had. I called my mom who lived in Greenville already (I was still living in Michigan), and told her some of the things I was going thru... this was a huge step for me, as I never allowed ANYONE to help me with anything. This was the first time I opened up to another human since my father's passing. Very fitting that it was my mother! I can say now it was one of the few moments in my adolescent years that I actually had intense feelings of relief... She suggested that I move down to Greenville, stay with her for a while and sort of "start over". The thought of "starting over" with a blank slate sounded SO amazing to me. Skeptical as to whether it was possible from a mental standpoint, I decided to completely buy in. I moved to Greenville the next month, and started making decisions that showed growth. I got a job at Carolina Ale House while I got my person training certification. With help from my mom, I was able to buy a car and I was moved out of her house within 2 months! I met my wife around that time and my life was headed in a new trajectory that I was proud of.
About one year into our relationship, Emily's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and given a very short time to live. This of course was EXTREMELY hard on Emily. I had grown close with her family as well. In many ways, this was harder on me than my own father's passing, because it forced all those trauma and emotions that I had yet to honestly deal with from my father’s passing back to the surface!
Once again, I slipped into drug use to cope... taking multiple Xanax bars/day just staying numb. From here it led to pain killers and opiates. Sometime around 2018, Emily and I were rear ended at a stop light, and this left me with 8 herniated discs. 4 in my lumbar, 3 in my cervical spine. I had very little feeling in one of my legs, lots of numbness and sciatica. I had a microdiscectomy and laminectomy on L3/L4, and with that brought OF COURSE a prescription for pain killers. Which just fed my addiction further, but once the docs cut me off pain meds, I had to find my own.
This is where my he**in addiction began. Oxycodone on the street was around 1$/mg, he**in was 1$/100mg.... it’s pretty easy to see how this happens to people! When I started, a gram was lasting me a month or so. By the end one gram was lasting me a few days... it was getting out of control, I was tired of hiding my addiction from Emily. I was tired of hiding in general, everything in life revolved around when/where I would be able to get my next fix. I hated myself.
One day I woke up and just had enough. I told Emily. I prayed. I erased all my contacts and connections to get ANYTHING and I locked myself in our house. The following six weeks were the most miserable, sick, emotional, painful days in my life. 10x. It's not even comparable. There was not one moment I had any level or feeling of comfort for the first four weeks solid. I didn't sleep, and I could barely get food down. I would go from burning up to freezing cold back and forth all day. I would sit in the bathtub, crying and praying for it to be over. Tears are coming to my eyes as I write this; I'm just so thankful that God gave me the strength to get thru the many obstacles I have put myself thru! Beyond thankful my wife didn't give up on me! I can't apologize enough for the pain I have put her thru.
All this brings me to the guy on the left, that was the first day of my BEST life, and it didn't start until age 33. He was a long way from where I am today, but that was only the beginning.
I’ve learned SO many lessons, since I opened my eyes and gave my heart over to God. But it seems that most things worth having don’t come easily. Without pain, we would never appreciate pleasure. Without failure, we would never appreciate success. When life gets hard, I mean REALLY hard, know that inside you, God has put so much more strength than you realize. If you ask Him for help, He won't let you down. You may not always get the answer you want but believe me it will be the answer you need!
Having been through all this, and moved through the process, I’ve become powerfully motivated to help others to move through their own challenges. God doesn’t do the work for you. But if you can find that foundation, and start believing in yourself, I know you can reach your goals.
I help others to get 1% better every day. Using a philosophy of progress over perfection, learning from our failures, getting back up when you are knocked down, and focusing on a vision of your best self – aiming for that person, every day.
The guy on the left caught a glimpse of who he could become.
The guy on the right can reflect and appreciate what it took to get there.
I can’t wait to see the guy I become!
Special thanks to
- Emily Vreeland for always believing in me, even when I didnt
- Peggy Zielinski for being there for me, even when I wasn't there for myself
- Anthony Spada for continuing to push me to be my best everyday.