Houston Puck Offs

Houston Puck Offs, quite forlorn,
Lost to the team that taunts with scorn.
Their sticks and skates couldn't find the net,
A defeat they'd rather soon forget.

The icy rink, where hopes did dash,
Against the foes, with a victorious flash.
The Puck Offs fought with all their might,
Yet victory eluded them that night.

In their den, the Puck Offs sighed,
To lose to those, their pride denied.
A bitter pill, hard to swallow,
Hoping for a win in the morrow.

We lost. Get over it. Back at it tomorrow. We'll be ready.

Peter Dzurik and Konstantin Kholodov scored. Arthur Novak got the start in net.

| Houston Puck Offs

Almost like that puck just wanted to find the net...Hey Heikki, can you explain?

The nicest goal you will ever see. (📹: @hockey_media_)

| Houston Puck Offs

Turns out the bears were hungry for vulcanized rubber. Recap coming soon.

In a game that left the "Depressions" quite sore,
The Puck Offs' offense was anything but a bore.
Andersen, Dragomir, and the crew,
Each found the net, making dreams true.
A dance so bizarre, it was hard to ignore.

Korhonen in goal stood like a door,
Not a single puck passed, the fans did roar.
The "Pretenders" were crafty, with celebrations galore,
Mocking their foes, who couldn't score.
A shutout win, the "[Tropical] Depressions" abhor.

Houston Puck Offs |

In case our poetic recap didn't make it clear. We beat those guys. They whined about playing us in the first place. We responded. Our players devised a post-goal celebratory choreography that involved the goal scorer pretend-birthing a wailing set of quintuplets (the other Puck Offs players) onto the ice. Game over.

| Houston Puck Offs

Shhhh...you're going to want to see this. Game recap coming soon.

Houston Puck Offs |

Good afternoon Houston Hockey Haymakers! Welcome to another exciting game recap.

Your beloved Puck Offs played a game Wednesday, their first after the lengthy All-Star break. Yes, the one that none of the Puck Offs players were invited to...but that's a story for another time.

The final score was 6-0 in favor of the H-Town Heroes. Arthur Novak kept a clean sheet and the team continued their historic (though unheralded) inaugural season in winning fashion. The fights were limited (though characteristically, Pavel Barysau threw a few unimpeded punches) and the team petting zoo / cheering section remained steadfast and motivating. But, despite the familiar elements, this game was anything but typical.

It seems our illustrious owner, Jazz, from his undisclosed operating center, made a deal for a player which (if he performs as projected) will become one of the most effectual, most infamous, in league history. It is not often a player of this caliber is available, let alone willing and interested, for a soirée with a rag-tag bunch of hockey outcasts and ruffians.

The player's name? Konstantin "Concrete" Kholodov. Commit it to memory. You'll be seeing it again. And again.

Who scored you ask? Konstantin Kholodov. He scored them all. A double hat-trick in game one. Against one of the best defensive teams in the league. Get excited Puck Offs fans. And send Jazz a thank you note.

-Your very excited-about-the-future Puck Offs PR Team

| Houston Puck Offs

We beat these guys Wednesday. Recap coming soon.

We like this kid's style...anyone know if he has a contract offer yet?

Mini dancing goalies >>> via TikTok/arrrryannn

| Houston Puck Offs

Verse
Yo, last Wednesday night, the Puck Offs on the ice,
Took the desert by storm, played their rivals nice.
Seven to four, the scoreboard read,
Puck Offs ruled the game, left their foes in dread.

Alexei, Emils, Christian, Mihai,
Jesse, Vlady, Pavel, oh my,
They all scored, made the crowd roar,
Tommy in the net, kept the score hardcore.

Chorus
In the city of sin, where the stakes are high,
The Puck Offs came to play, aiming for the sky.
With "Johann's Bahn" still in their veins,
They battled on the ice, breaking all the chains.

Verse
Now, the night before, they celebrated hard,
"Johann's Bahn" beer, they pulled the card.
IV bags on the bench, between the shifts they'd dash,
Down the tunnel, reappearing in a flash.

The highlight reel, a moment so surreal,
Joonas with a deke, his fate he'd seal.
Overindulged, maybe, passed out on the ice,
Opened a gash, oh, it wasn’t very nice.

The goalie slipped in blood, an unfortunate slide,
As the puck crossed the line, with nowhere to hide.
A moment so bizarre, it was a sight to see,
The Puck Offs won the game, in a victory spree.

Chorus
In the city of sin, where the stakes are high,
The Puck Offs came to play, aiming for the sky.
With "Johann's Bahn" still in their veins,
They battled on the ice, breaking all the chains.

| Houston Puck Offs

Good afternoon Houston Puck Offs patrons. Welcome to another spicy game recap. This one is of last Monday's unfortunate loss to the West-Coast based black-n-white sea mammals. Though, more unfortunately, most of our PR team has been out sick with the flu and we had to give recap writing responsibilities to our 19-year old Instagram influencer / intern from California. See for yourself...

Oh my gosh, like, there was this game, so insane,
Houston got played, in like, total shame.
Only Magnus Dahl found the net, so lame,
Against those northerners, no need to name.

Fifty-one shots they took, no lie, no bluff,
Our boys managed eighteen, wasn’t enough.
A cannoli flew, oh so tough,
Their coach just ate it, acting all rough.

Tried to make them fight, but oh what a drag,
They wouldn’t bite, just made our spirits sag.
Eleven power plays, like a red flag,
Four goals they scored, made our hopes lag.

So like, even though we totally lost,
And our pride, oh, it came at such a cost,
That cannoli moment, it was almost boss,
Next time, we’ll win, no matter the frost!

-Houston Puck Offs #1 intern / copy writer

Not sure what to be more upset about...the Beibs hanging with family members of an in-state rival, or that coat...is that a cartoon strawberry popsicle or a white-spotted pink mascot's undergarment? So many questions...

GREAT news for @justinbieber: He got to meet Thomas Oettinger!!! 📸 @jake30oettinger

We sure are missing live-action hockey but...we have a little secret. Next Tuesday can't get here fast enough...

| Houston Puck Offs