Small Girl, Jiu Jitsu World

This is one of my favorite athletic pictures of myself. This picture represents an image of my body that I dreamed about my entire life. In many ways, I was so strong. I podiumed in this race, and I built some solid strength, endurance, and killer perseverance. I LOVED how my body LOOKED and what it could do.

BUT…I know the full story behind my favorite “look.” I was overtrained. By a lot. I didn’t get enough sleep, and was drained with low energy most days. I also didn’t fuel my body well. As a result, I was injured-ALL the time. The physical look came at a huge cost.

As I plan and begin training for the competitions that I have for myself in the next year (Jiu Jitsu, an off-road triathlon, and a Spartan race), plus just the daily Jiu Jitsu that gives me life and joy, I can’t help but think of how I want my body to look, too. My constant reminder to myself is that doing the things I love, sleeping well, fueling correctly, and not overtraining will yield the strongest, healthiest version of myself, and the side benefit of those things is very often the body “look” that I want.

So basically, I need discipline. Discipline to do enough. Discipline to not overdo it. Discipline to do the things I set out to do. Discipline to not quit, even when it’s hard.

I may or may not ever have this same body again, and that’s ok. But I do want to be strong and healthy-and that’s completely achievable, regardless of how my body looks. (But I really do want this look 😝)

It’s been a year since I first developed anxiety in Jiu Jitsu. The battle against anxiety was promptly followed up by a major neck injury that kept me on the sidelines (and still recovering).

It would be easy to write this year off as terrible. Easy. Most people end the year by saying something along the lines of how terrible their year was anyway, I could easily fall in line. But it’s not true.

This was easily one of the best years in Jiu Jitsu. I grew. A lot. I learned. A lot. I cried. A lot. (Did you know I hate crying? Ugh.) I fought with my own head-a lot. I had killer friends, mentors, and coaches guiding, helping, and pushing me along. A lot.

Looking back, I wouldn’t trade this year for anything. Anxiety and my neck injury totally sucked, and yet, they provided growth that I don’t believe would’ve come from anything else. The growth was worth the pain and the struggle. The struggle breathed life into my mindset and my Jiu Jitsu. Weird, right?

We always have a choice in how we view our experiences. I can view this tough year as negative and terrible, but I can also view it as helpful and impactful. Either way, the choice is mine. I am choosing the latter.

This was a great year on the mats. My mental growth and mindset are better than they’ve ever been, and I love Jiu Jitsu more than I did before this year. How can I argue that those two events made my year anything other than incredible?

“I can’t’s” are easy. They make it easy to dismiss the task at hand. Easy to quit. Easy to move on and forget about it. Easy to do and complete.

But. “I can’t’s” inhibit growth. They divert your attention. They help you feel good about your decision to not push forward and figure it out. They keep you right where you are. No growth.

Sometimes “I can’t’s” just need to be eradicated from our language and choices. Other times they just need rewiring. Tonight was a rewiring night.

I was drilling before Jiu Jitsu tonight with a friend, and working a spot that was challenging. My arm is still not 100%, but I haven’t really pushed to find a current limit. Tonight, drilling the same thing over and over, I met that limit. My partner told me my left arm had stopped framing. Well, I COULDN’T frame. It was maxed out. I WAS framing as best I could, it just wasn’t doing anything, more so just resting on his body. It had nothing left.

I was a point at which I could’ve easily said, “I can’t,” and frankly, it would’ve been true. But instead, I took my other hand, pinned it over the top of my left hand to help support and make a frame (albeit a weak one), and kept working. Instead of quitting and moving on and blaming my arm, I found a way to modify. That provided the reps I needed and growth that I would’ve otherwise missed out on.

“I can’t’s” are lame. They never lead to growth, never to lead to figuring things out, and never lead to opening new doors for exploration. They’re just easy, and that makes them appealing.

My arm was weak and angry for about 20 minutes, and then got back to baseline. Pushing it was good, and it was needed. Tonight, easy didn’t win. Hard did. And that’s a great ending to a Monday.

Winning is cool and all, but have you ever tried losing?

It was some years ago that I lost my first match ever. I had won every fight I had done up until that point in time (in Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu both), and I was confident that this amateur match would amount to me winning yet another.

Then I lost.

Two weeks later, when the emotional rollercoaster came to a halt, I settled into growth. Which mistakes landed me in hot water? How can I fix them? What areas of my striking could I clean up? How can I better my timing and ex*****on? I worked. I worked hard. I’m not sure there was another point in all my training in which I grew as much in a short period of time as I did after that loss.

Losing sucks. It totally does. Everyone wants to win. Winning offers the quickest feedback for feelings of success. But it’s not the only way to claim success. Success can look many different ways, in many different situations.

Sometimes success comes from doing something you thought you’d be too scared to do. Sometimes it comes from a small victory, like not getting taken down in Jiu Jitsu. Sometimes it looks like growth in the aftermath. And sometimes, yes, it simply looks like winning.

So the next time you decide to try something a little scary or outside your comfort zone, give it your all and do your absolute best. But…remember to keep a healthy view of “success” in mind, because win or lose, your mindset will dictate how much you grow in the aftermath of it all.

https://smallgirlbjjworld.com/?p=404

Toughness...it isn't just stuffing your emotions, though I'm pretty darn good at that. I'm redefining this word for myself. I AM tough, but it's not because I am good at "looking" tough.

I learned to "show up anyway" through injuries from my high school soccer coaches. But it wasn't until my recent neck injury that where I learned how to not stuff all my emotions and actually process through them instead. Both are important skills. Both require great friends, teammates, and coaches. Thank you if you've EVER been one of those people in my life.

https://smallgirlbjjworld.com/?p=401

You have permission to get frustrated.
You have permission to feel defeated.
You have permission to put your body and health first.
You have permission to feel behind and disappointed.
But.
You also have permission to keep going.
You have permission to wipe tears.
You have permission to ask questions and get advice.
You have permission to make hard decisions now, or choose to wait until you understand the situation better.
But also.
You don’t have permission to quit.
You don’t have permission to give up.
You don’t have permission to allow your frustrations to dictate your reality.
You don’t have permission to give in to emotional decisions.

Jiu Jitsu is hard. Injuries are hard. Knowing when you can compete is hard. It’s all just…hard. That’s okay. I can do hard. I might cry first, but I can definitely do hard.

So you have an injury? Good. -Jocko (basically, but probably)

There’s no way around it-injuries suck. And if you are someone who has a sport they love to do, like Jiu Jitsu, then they can really, really suck. You can wallow in self pity and cry and complain, and you know what, I think those things are completely fine to do and easy to justify doing…for a minute. Then, you’ve gotta knock that crap off, change your mindset, and get to work.

Can’t use your left arm in certain positions? Let that movement go. Did you end up in side control? Good. Now work out without using your arm. You’ll be better at side control escapes.

Not able to maintain turtle back when someone starts rolling, threatening weight on your head and neck? Don’t post, abandon your position. Are you mounted now? Good. Get out. You’ll be better at mount escapes.

Not sure how to finish that kimura when you’ve lost your grip and arm strength? Good. Find another sub or figure out another way. You’ll be more lethal once you do.

Would you normally roll with anyone and everyone? Are you thinking that maybe that’s not the best idea to keep you safe as you recover? Good. Practice telling yourself (and others) “no”. Practice setting and keeping boundaries. Practice honoring your body and where it’s at. You’ll be better at protecting yourself in the future.

We can let our injuries win. That’s easy. It’s letting our injuries teach us and help us grow that’s painful and uncomfortable. Each injury has its own bright side, but you have to be open to it.

I’m currently spending a lot of time tapping and rolling straight into bad positions in favor of protecting my neck and arm. Whatever-I’m embracing the suck. Growth isn’t comfortable anyway.

Laying, stretching out my neck and letting my arm rest (because it doesn’t want to function anyway) and having a brain war about whether I should cry in frustration vs. reminding myself that it’s part of the healing process.

I haven’t cried yet. Doesn’t mean I won’t. And if I do, it’s not the end of the world. But, I am actively trying to win a game in my head that my body really, really seems keen to lose.

I did almost the entire class this morning. I picked four people I knew I could safely roll and rolled after class. My body is unsure what in the heck I’m doing. My arm is thinking I’ve been pumping iron for 10 hours and doesn’t want to function. My neck is sore, but good sore. It doesn’t change the fact that it hurts.

Jiu Jitsu is hard. Life is hard. Injuries suck and are apart if it all. Might as well learn how to fight my own body and head-it won’t be the last time I need to.

When I experience negative things in life, I like to think that I now have one more experience with which I can understand someone else. When I started experiencing anxiety in Jiu Jitsu, I figured that once I overcame it, or at the very least learned how to operate with it, I would be an even better coach as I had a new perspective.

It doesn’t take a lot of guess work to assume that a pinched nerve is quite terrible. How terrible, though, I never understood until it happened to me. Although I’m in pain much of the time, the lack of ability to sleep is what is really affecting me the most. Today marks three weeks of only 3-4 hours of scattered sleep each night.

The thing that’s been most noticeable for me is how sleep is affecting my ability to show compassion, care, and interest in other people the way I normally would. I will get home and realize I didn’t even tell someone “goodbye.” Or I’ll forget to tell someone that I hope they have a good trip. Or I’ll forget that someone had been sick and neglect to ask how they’re feeling. I remember only after I leave and begin to settle my body at home. It makes me feel terrible. That’s not the kind of friend, acquaintance, coach, or human I want to be.

I’m sending lots of “after the fact” texts, and giving myself grace. Mainly, I’m viewing it as a point for grace and compassion for others. How many times has someone not said goodbye to me when they normally do and I felt hurt or offended? How many times has someone not asked how I was feeling when they knew I had been terribly sick? Instead of viewing those things as an offense, what if I considered that I have no idea the things THEY may be going through? What if they haven’t slept in weeks? What if they’re barely holding on to their sanity and trying to keep things together? Do I have grace for that? Am I okay with letting hurt go in exchange for compassion for them?

The past three days have been a struggle. It’s definitely wearing, though I know I am getting better each day. I will get better, and I now have a new perspective.

“John Leach uses the term “active-passiveness,” meaning, ‘the ability to accept the situation one is in but without giving in to it…’” -From Deep Survival

Halfway through reading Deep Survival, a book recommended to me by my friend, Tom, I mysteriously injured my neck. At first it just felt “out,” but it quickly progressed to 24/7 pain running down my arm and back, less than 3 hours of sleep each night, and no ability to do any of the things I love. Chiro said, “herniated disc.” My doc agreed. I headed to my physical therapist for more info. After 20 minutes of testing, he determined it was not herniated, but I definitely did something to C4-C5 and had a pinched nerve. He made a plan, and started treating me.

It’s been two weeks. I’ve slept, on average 4 hours (accumulative) each night. I’m in pain 24/7, though it IS getting a little better.

In the beginning, I would just sob trying to stand up in the morning. By day four, I found the frustration starting to set in. I was ready to cry from frustration, and then I stopped myself-I decided I could cry from pain but not my situation. My situation sucked, but that suckage doesn’t get to control me in any way. “The ability to accept the situation one is in but without giving in to it.” I wasn’t giving in.

So I set goals. Get up and move around when I wake up at 2:00AM in pain. Grab a heat or ice pack. Watch videos-BJJ, the Johnny Depp trial, other nonsense. Try to get myself comfortable enough to get one more hour of sleep. Then, get up, grab coffee, begin writing for all my clients or work on other projects. The kicker is that I do it with a good attitude. Not out of frustration, but simply, “it is what it is and it won’t be forever.”

I’m using active-passiveness to accept where I’m at and how I’m feeling, while simultaneously not giving in to it. Rather, I’m using the time awake to be productive. I’m going on walks with my family, learning to coach while injured, and keeping a good attitude. I will get better…just maybe not on my preferred timeline.