Kimberly Hull - Health Fitness Motivation Recovery

Stop saying this to victims of abuse.

It may have been "the best they could do" but guess what- it wasn't good enough and it's honestly a s**tty way to deflect and avoid taking full responsibility for abusive actions.

For me- it did work for a while. My parents had me completely believing that I should stop complaining about the abuse and neglect that took place. That instead I should be grateful for what I did get.
Fast forward and after treatment and education I can now call that for what it actually is :
Narcissistic Gaslighting

“Back your excuses and you live the same life.
Back your dreams and you illuminate the world with your light.”
― Hiral Nagda

How many times have you started something - so focused, so certain, so inspired.
Just to quit, take a detour, put it on pause- however you feel most comfortable describing it.

There will forever and always be reasons why the continued pursuit of our dream is inconvenient. Life will always be unpredictable.

That's like waiting at home to go out until you have a guarantee that all the traffic lights will be green.

Life will not stop being exactly what it always has been in order to make it easy for us.
If it was so easy - we would already have that dream. Part of the challenge of the pursuit is exactly what helps us become who we are meant to be.

It was always mine.

To be honest it wasn't until recently in my journey of understanding the impacts of physical and sexual abuse that I even connected these dots.

Our mind is a glorious thing. Dissociation is a survival mode created by our brain to help us survive. It also means we have spent time out of our bodies- while others violated what should be sacred.
It even leads to self hatred and self abuse.

My body is mine. It is beautiful and made just for me. It has nothing to apologize for. It was not to blame. My relationship with it was hijacked. It was literally a crime scene.
But I'll be damned if I don't step up now and take it back.

I shared some of the ways that have been most helpful for me in this process.
I hope they may help anyone who also desires to take back the ownership of their body and feel safe, connected and at peace being present in it.

And please share below if you have found ways that have helped you :)

"You're so cold...I feel sorry for your husband"....

That is an actual quote from my mother when I was a newlywed.
I believed her. I always believed her as a child. Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Our parents are our first teachers in all things.
That includes learning about love, safety, self worth, security, and who we are in relation to the world.

You are NOT too difficult- or too much- or carry too much baggage
And those things only become truth when WE believe them and live our life based on those lies.

Never forget WE determine who we are. Not our abusers.

"I Need Help"

That one short sentence has been caught in my throat countless times.
It seems like it should be so simple to just utter those words- especially to a loved one- such as a spouse or best friend.

But to a trauma/abuse survivor those words can make you feel like you are choking on them.

Every time I have bravely asked for help during my healing journey- it has always, AlWAYS, paid off.
Speak up- let those who love you- help you.

You are worthy of their love and help.
You are safe.

Allow things to End.

So common to see negative and even volatile reactions to things simply coming to an end. Careers, relationships, goals....
We have wired ourselves to believe that if something ended- if it didn't have the outcome we thought it would- it must have been a BAD experience, endeavor, relationship, etc....
Ironically it is in our reaction to the End that taints "what was".
Things end sometimes- or at the very least evolve.

Stop trashing a previous chapter just because it's time for a new one.

I've been comfortable for far too long.

My dream has been in the back seat - watching as days pass by.
I've lied to myself about WHY I haven't taken massive action yet. And I am as of today officially tired of my own self soothing lies.

Obstacles will be in the path- and I accept them and embrace them.
But I will NOT be the one any longer creating fake obstacles that do nothing but keep me living in same loop over and over.

**tisabouttogetreal

If you know you know.
Nothing is more painful than be expected to coexist peacefully with those that have violated your trust, safety, and body.

What is Dissociation?

Dissociation is a state of disconnection from the here and now.

Dissociation allows you to stop feeling.

As a protective strategy for coping with trauma, dissociation can be one the most creative coping skills a trauma survivor perfects.
It detaches awareness from one’s surroundings, body sensations and feelings. Children who experience complex trauma are especially likely to develop dissociation.
It often co-occurs with the earliest incidents of recurrent trauma, since the only way to survive the horrific experiences emotionally is to not be there consciously.

As I have continued to learn more and more about the various coping skills I created as a child- something magical clicked recently.
I had a feeling of gratitude.
Instead of my normal feelings of resentment, guilt, shame, frustration.
I mean - take this one "Dissociation" for example........
How cool is it that my brain knew exactly how to keep me as safe as it could. That it did what it had to - for me.
And by showering myself and my awesome brain for the way it helped me survive-
It also allowed me to acknowledge I no longer need all of these coping mechanisms. I have outgrown them. I am safe. I am in charge of what I allow and WHO I allow to be close to me.
My "shameful coping mechanism" became something to view with appreciation and love- making it easier to work through the process of releasing it

“Expectations are the shackles that will not permit something to be what it actually is.”

I feel like I've grown up in a world that has celebrated woman's opportunity to "Do It All". I felt mesmerized by the women I idolized - that seemed to be the example of kicking major ass in all their areas of life.

"If these women can juggle career, kids, romance, mental health, physical health, financial success, clean and well decorated homes, helping at kids school, friendships, and creating the next "big dream"....... can't I do it as well?"

And at 43 I have come to the conclusion- no I can't do ALL those things at the same level of success all the time. And I don't NEED to!
There is NO perfect balance. And the self inflicted expectations we create are the very root of why we basically implode. Then followed by an immense of amount of guilt for our outward explosion caused from said implosion. And so the cycle continues.

Anyone else tired just reading all that?? LOL

Point is ladies- we need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

Breaking the Cycle

More than 15 million children in the United States live in homes in which domestic violence has happened at least once.
These children are at greater risk for repeating the cycle as adults by entering into abusive relationships or becoming abusers themselves

I made a firm decision at about the ripe old age of 19 that I would simply not have children and probably not get married.

Because I fully believed that I would live out yet another repeat of the long history of generational abuse and violence in my family.

I have been married for 14 years. I have two beautiful and thriving girls.
There is no violence in my home.
Instead it is a home full of laughter and the occasional sister quarrels.

I was not a statistic and you don't have to be either.

What if they find out?

What is wrong with you? Why aren't you like everyone else? Why do you do that? Can't you just be normal?
You are broken
You are toxic
You are crazy

These are many of the words that ran through my head for years.
The moment everything changed and the deeper, no BS healing began- was NOT when I received my diagnosis.....
It was when I ACCEPTED my diagnosis

On one hand a lot the odd s**t I going on in my head and life now had a name.
But it also meant that the trauma I experienced had literally changed the neuropath ways in my brain. That there was damage that was extensive and had a name..... that was depressing.
But on the other hand- it meant information, education and tangible guidance to living a better life.

When you understand that you are not just randomly jacked up - you have more power to do the work of healing yourself.
In hindsight my own inner judgement and shame was a billion times more destructive than what I feared others thought of me- or fear still may think of me even with a diagnosis.

But I can attest - 2 years after my diagnosis, I now have tools to know how to fight this, live with it, and be more accepting and loving towards myself.