Pandora Rose

👉🏻 Part 4 of 4, In a series of posts about honesty and relationships 👈🏻

I’ve been talking about honesty in relationships, and compatibility and compromise. Now I want to talk about relationship transitions.

The thing is, people often put more value on staying in an incompatible relationship than they do on allowing themselves the freedom to find or forge a relationship where they can enjoy the fullest expression of themselves. Yet, that’s the only way to truly thrive!

For some reason, we often feel an impulse to maintain relationships that don’t serve us. Why do we do this?

I think it boils down to fear: fear of losing the relationship. And, for some people, a core belief that they are not worthy, or not lovable. This core belief creates an unconscious desire to keep the relationship at all costs, because it layers on the fear that they will never find a relationship any better than this one.

That core belief that is never true, by the way. Everyone is worthy of love, and everyone can find people who are well suited to love them.

And that fear? It’s not logical. Why should we be afraid of letting go of a relationship that is painful, or a daily struggle? (I’m not talking about fears of having no financial support, fears of community shunning, etc. — only the fear of losing the love of someone who isn’t really loving you as you need and deserve to be loved.)

I like the approach of holding our relationships with a lightness of hand — not holding on too tight. An attitude that seeks to resolve issues as a team, together, from the same side instead of as adversaries. An approach that loves self and other equally, recognizing that if the relationship is not right for one person, it’s not right for the other by definition. One that seeks to find the best expression of any given relationship — to allow you both to be your best selves.

For intractable incompatibilities, if the relationship is important you, I think it’s worth bringing in a neutral third party (like a couples counselor). An experienced counselor, therapist or pastor can help be a bridge for communication, and can help you think outside the box to find opportunities for compromise that are hard to see when you’re in the thick of an emotionally fraught impasse.

If two people find that there isn’t a good way to compromise, and their needs or desires are truly mutually exclusive after having exhausted all creative solutions, it may be it may be time to give each other another gift: the gift of changing the nature of the relationship. This could mean backing off the amount of time spent together, or lowering the level or types of intimacy shared. It may mean a breakup.

This is where that element of fear comes in — fear of losing the relationship. In reality, there are myriad ways of “breaking up” that don’t mean completely cutting yourselves off from each other. It’s good to understand how you are not compatible — but also to recognize how you are. Are there things you enjoy about your relationship? Are there ways of being together that bring you both joy or fulfillment? Why not redefine the relationship to preserve them?

If a breakup is a decision you think you might be facing facing, it may be worth assessing the expectations each of you are bringing to the relationship. Expectations like: what your mutually-agreed relationship labels mean, and whether you might like particular roles or responsibilities to change. You can discuss which activities in your relationship you want to continue to take part in (Google the “relationship smorgasbord” for a list!), and which (if any) activities you desire exclusivity around. Even marriage vows can be renegotiated! The only people a married couple is accountable to are each other. (Yes, parents should bear the needs of children in mind…but assumptions about what children really need are worth examining, too.)

Often, we let society or our religious or ethnic culture define the terms of our relationships, especially our life-partnerships. It doesn’t have to be that way. People change, yes? And relationships can morph and change with them! The good news is, we can have all of these discussions I outlined above anytime. A breakup doesn’t have to be on the table, and avoiding a breakup doesn’t have to be a motivating factor. You both get to define how you relate to each other, today. You can take control of these unspoken (and spoken) relationship rules and expectations. You can renegotiate your relationship agreements to make your relationship the most fulfilling one it can be, for both of you.

Are there ways you are holding back from being your whole, true self with your partner? If so, what are the reasons you’re doing that? Could it be from a fear of incompatibility? Or due to ingrained beliefs about how your true self is not lovable or acceptable? Could it be out of self-protection — and is that valid? Could it stem from a lack of trust that they will accept you as you are, or that they’ll be able to manage their own difficult feelings in response to your honesty? Other reasons?

These are important questions to ask ourselves on the regular. I ask these questions of myself because I have learned that I tend to hide certain hard truths from myself. In the past, I have discovered myself to be subconsciously afraid of what might happen if i confront the root causes for WHY I stopped sharing my truth or asking for what I really want in the relationship. I think this is a common problem — I think we all have a tendency to hide from hard truths. This might be the case for you, too. And in many cases, where the root causes came from our family of origin or our ethnic or religious culture, those root causes might be invisible to us. The expectations and dogma because part of the fabric of how we think and act, and we can’t see how they influence us.

But until we are honest with ourselves about those root causes that are limiting us, we won’t have a chance to overcome them. It is important, I think, for each of us to look for ways we may not be allowing ourselves to live into the fullest expression of our being. In many cases there may be a web of interconnected reasons (that we may not even be consciously aware of!) holding us back from living in our truth. This is where the best work happens. As we discover these reasons, and examine each one, holding it up to the light — describing it out loud, even, with a partner, trusted friend or therapist — we can discern how that reason is indeed valid, and how it is not. If there are ways it is valid, we can ask ourselves how we might rally emotional, relational or community resources to overcome it. But none of this can happen until we take the time and effort to dig in!

Be the person you were born to be. There are people who can and willl love you, for you! You can find them, but only if you allow others to see who you are.

Thanks for reading along as I shared my thoughts! Do you have any reactions? What did my ramblings bring up for you? Please join the conversation in the comments.

——-

You matter, and you deserve to be safe. If there ways you think you would be physically or emotionally harmed by being honest with an important person in your life, this is a really tough situation. My heart goes out to you.

• If you anticipate emotional hurt or turmoil, I encourage you to get support from a licensed therapist as you navigate potentially difficult conversations — either by meeting with your own therapist, or by having these discussions with this person in the presence of a couple/family therapist.

• If you have experienced physical or emotional harm or abuse in the past with this person, PLEASE take care of your safety as your number one priority! You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline right now at 1-800-799-7233, or go to www.thehotline.org for more info.

Please reach out to me if this is where you find yourself! I will do everything I can to support you. There are local resources you can reach out to for support in getting yourself out of a dangerous relationship. We can find these resources together.

————-

👉🏻 Part 3 of 4, In a series of posts about honesty and relationships 👈🏻

COMPATIBILITY AND COMPROMISE

What does “compatibility” mean to you? More importantly, what does “incompatibility” mean? What does true, unsalvageable incompatibility look like, in a real life relationship?

One thing is for sure: compatibility is hard to achieve without honest communication. Yet, ironically, one of the motivating factors that can hold people back from being fully honest and forthcoming in a relationship is a fear of incompatibility.

They’re not wrong: people do discover they are incompatible through communication — and most of all, through deeply honest communication where they reveal their true selves.

Here’s the thing: We need to be courageous enough to risk uncovering what may feel like incompatibilities. We need to develop our emotional tolerance for relational uncertainty, so that we can make it through the tender time after expressing our truth, through the process of discovering whether that truth is something our friend or partner can accept from us.

Without open and honest communication, two people will never know if their supposed incompatibility is something that can be worked out, or if it’s a true impasse. If we want to find harmony and fulfillment, this is the first, essential step. We have got to find the courage to step beyond our fears and our trust issues, and speak our own truth.

If the other person can’t or won’t meet us there, that is important to notice and point out…to them, and to ourselves. Both people need to be able to meet in this place of honesty.

(This is a good time to note that there will be certain people who are not yet psychologically able to have healthy and harmonious emotional connections at this moment in their lives. For example, people who have serious unresolved trauma, or people with personality disorders. People who struggle with emotional dysregulation or an inability to drop their defenses may need to get therapeutic help to work on these issues within themselves, if they want to have relationships that thrive. Having a separate therapist to help both partners navigate relational disconnects may be needed, too.)

Sometimes, purposeful and conscious compromise is needed in order for two people to to be in relationship together joyfully, and in a way that allows them each to live life to the fullest within that relationship. And isn’t that how you’d prefer to be living?

If two people discover they SEEM to be incompatible in some way, with needs or desires that SEEM to be in opposition, that is GOOD, IMPORTANT INFORMATION about what you each need to be happy.

That knowledge is a gift! You can use this knowledge to figure out how you might be able to compromise in a way that allows both of your needs to be met.

Compromise can be healthy, and it can also be toxic. It’s far more likely to be toxic when it’s unconscious. We are socialized to compromise (especially women!), and this becomes an unconscious habit. We often go about our daily lives and make tiny little compromises here and there, without even realizing we are self-editing. As time goes on, these compromises accumulate. What started as compromises in the sense of “small concessions in the name of relationship harmony,” we may one day wake up to find have become “chasms between what I really want in my relationship/life, and what I’m actually experiencing.” If we don’t pay attention, we may not realize how far we have drifted from our true north within any given relationship.

The question to ask is: what am I compromising? Is it something I can offer to do (or not do) in a way that helps me express my love for this important person in my life, without *also* denying or diminishing my own needs or desires or the truth of who I am? Is this compromise something I can do joyfully and still feel like I am fully myself, or does it feel limiting (or worse — punitive or painful), like I am not being true to myself?

It’s okay to compromise what you do, on a case by case basis, with a specific purpose in mind. It’s not okay to compromise who you are for the sake of a relationship.

Do you have thoughts on these topics? I would love to hear them! Add your comments below.

Up next: should I stay or should I go? Relationship transitions.

👉🏻 Part 2 of 4, In a series of posts about honesty and relationships 👈🏻

Healthy relationships start with leveling up our communication. Without taking the time to talk with each other about our needs and desires, hopes and fears, intentions, boundaries and limits, all we have are unspoken expectations and assumptions. And these often lead to upset, uninformed reactions.

Over time, people change. That’s why it’s important to keep communicating, and to give ourselves and others permission to grow and change. Without ongoing openness, communication and a willingness to talk about each other’s current needs, desires, etc., our ability to be the best friends or partners to each other is severely limited.

My partner and I are coming up on ten years together. We try to have a “check in” every couple months, where we look inward to see if there are any issues we haven’t raised, but need to — anything we have been hesitating to bring up. These check ins are really useful at making sure that our annoyances don’t turn into resentments, our desires are shared and acted on, and our needs get expressed and met.

The problem is, when we don’t trust the other person to love us as we are, or when we fear they won’t receive our truth like we hope they will, we start hiding, and squelching our full expression of ourselves. And eventually, we start to shrink…like a turtle, perpetually stuck inside a defensive shell. Then we don’t even have the ability to be loved for who we really are, because we are putting forward a false, limited version of ourselves. And that’s no way to be loved! See my last post (1 of 4) for my thoughts about that.

We have to have love and compassion for ourselves and our experience. This is key! It’s what allows us to have love and compassion for the other person, and allows us to interact with them and hear their experience — without losing ourselves in the process.

What I have seen in my own life is that if I take a risk of sharing a vulnerable truth with my partner (or friend, or family member), and keep doing this, and I see each time that my partner loves and accepts me (even if there may be some turbulence to eventually land there), what it does is build an emotional muscle. As this muscle grows stronger, taking the risk of sharing my truth gets a little easier each time.

At this point, I have begun to recognize those times when I feel a little hitch in my heart — the one that tells me I have something I need to share. I have trained myself to be resilient as an emotional risk-taker, and in the process I have become attentive to my own emotional needs and proactive in my honesty.

These are skills you can develop in yourself, too. It just takes practice (and it helps to have a loving partner. Is there someone in your life who is your ride-or-die? Practice with them! You know they’re safe. It will build your resilience!

To me, the most exciting thing about this process is that when we dare to be vulnerable and trust, it is like an olive branch that communicates to the other person that we welcome the same vulnerability from them. It tells them we are a safe person to be honest with.

Then, they start sharing their heart with us.

I love it when the openness and honesty start flowing in both directions! The relief and the release of emotional tension are palpable, as both people learn it is safe to let down their guard and trust. They are both heard and seen, and loved and accepted for exactly who they are.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Up next: compatibility and compromise

👉🏻 Part 1 of 4, In a series of posts about honesty and relationships 👈🏻

If you can’t be fully yourself and honest with someone, they are not loving the real you, only a pretend version of you that you are projecting.

This is no way to be loved…if you can say you even are being loved, really. They are only loving the parts of you that they, or you, decided are lovable. How does that feel?

Wouldn’t you prefer to be wholly loved?

But you can’t be, unless and until you give that person — partner, friend, family member — the gift of honesty. They are responsible for their feelings and reactions to your honesty. You don’t need to squeeze yourself into a box that is acceptable to them. You ARE lovable, just as you are.

I’m not saying to be harsh or rude or thoughtless in communicating your truth. You can be yourself in a way that is kind, compassionate and loving.

You CAN live in the full expression of yourself — and be loved.

The first step to assessing all of this is SELF-honesty. Are there truths about your feelings or desires you have been hiding from yourself? Have you spent any time reflecting on what your feelings, needs and desires even are?

If you take the time to do that, you may discover there are things you have been holding back from telling your partner, or friend, or family member…ways you have been editing your words, behaviors or even life choices because you feel (or know) you might get a negative reaction.

How do you feel about holding yourself back in this way? What would it feel like to have a partner or friend who received ALL of you, welcoming the full expression of yourself?

Can you imagine yourself being that kind of soul-affirming, wholeness-welcoming partner or friend for the people you love? What would it take for you to be able to do that? That is, what would they need to do, to give you this opportunity? And what would you need to do in response?

Do you believe your partner or friend deserves the chance to show up for you in this way, to accept the real you? What would be needed from you, for them to be able to do that?

I would love to hear your responses to these questions — add your comments!

This is the first in a series of posts I’ll be writing this week on the topic of honesty in relationships. Be sure to follow my posts so you don’t miss out on the conversation.

Up next: trust and emotional resiliency

Very excited to watch this!

https://www.vogue.com/article/emma-thompson-good-luck-to-you-leo-grande-essay/amp

Emma Thompson: “Does Anyone Know or Care if Middle-Aged Women Are Getting Any Sexual Satisfaction?” For her latest role in ‘Good Luck to You, Leo Grande,’ Emma Thompson explored the principles of pleasure. Here, the actor writes for Vogue about what the process taught her.

Phenomenal art, and so intriguing!

For V***a Awareness Day we bring you our new work showing v***as and va**nas like you’ve never seen before!

These amazing glass casts of the va**na and v***a show all the mysteries within and such variety between these women. You can see the position of the g-**ot and cervix relative to the va**nal opening and cl****is etc.

This week we’ll be making these new casts available to buy for the first time as well as a poster and photographic print of all of them together. You can pre-order now and we’ll post them all here in detail too.

art.ney was the first artist in world to do this and still the only artitst in world offering this service to private customers to get their own va**na/v***a cast together…

We’re also seeking models for this new series so if you’re curious drop us a msg…

🍑😍

**na ***a **naart **napower **nalhealth **nart **nas ***a ***aart ***apower ***as ****is ****ls ***t

Check out what I saw today at Elliot Bay Books. My inner 5th grader (who ate up every choose-your-own-adventure book she could get her hands on) says SQUEE!

Women: what would you say your %s are? How has this changed over time?