Just The Foul Tip

ppling with striated muscles, fists clutched triumphantly around golden bats and the finest coozied beers, ominously chanting the ancient prayer of “hey batta batta, sah-wiiiing, batta.” Some say that Poseidon himself crafted these heroes of the Diamond—others say they usurped his throne in the name of Foul Tippery. Through the ages, the pre-game routine has included dragon slaying, lumberjacking, time-traveling, mountain moving, and heifer-milking—all before the warm-up jog. Experience:

The Foul Tips have been frozen and reanimated throughout time, meaning that each member has at least 100 lifetimes of experience in athletic domination. Players have been recorded in softball events spanning from ancient Rome in 450 BC, the Ottoman Empire in AD 1352 and Cleveland, 1979. The Foul Tips were first recorded in Western history after being spotted playing softball in the rainforest of the Philippines by Christopher Columbus, who was laying claim to what he thought to be the Americas. Converse to commonly held belief, Columbus was not killed by cancer, but was struck in the cranium by a homerun ball, which ricocheted mightily around the globe and sank The Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria in a maelstrom of physical force. The Foul Tips have been spotted playing at these monumental sites: The National Mall in Washington DC during MLK’s historical speech, during the Woodstock Festival (Jimi Hendrix’s infamous rendition of the Star Spangled Banner was created as the opening anthem for the Foul Tips’ annual playoff game) and in the mudslides of El Niño. On a final note, conspiracy theories have circulated The Kennedy Assignation for years. Most recently, National Enquirer is blaming “Stace the Ace,” The Foul Tips predominant pitcher, for being a possible suspect. Rumor has it, one of her pitches got away, and well, you can only imagine the rest. This debauchery has come to light because some “Schmuck” found a softball 6 yards from the vehicle. We as a team refute these rumors, and she is willing to submit her fingerprints to extricate herself as a possible suspect. Present Day:

After years of legendary success as a dominant force in softball history, The Foul Tips suffered an unprecedented blow and surrendered their crowns after several players were charged with the crime of retaining unpaid parking tickets. The resultant fine was so enormous, it was said that the debt could only be satisfied by submitting the beloved “Human Dart” Lance into the underground world of sex-trade human trafficking. Although it was clear to all that Lance would have made a terrific house bunny, the head council of the Foul Tips felt that his service in centerfield was integral, and so refused to exploit his body for the good of the team. In order to preserve their team and still pay their debt to society, The Foul Tips have been thrust unceremoniously into plebeian society and forced to work 9-to-5 jobs. This has proved even more destructive than imagined, and as of the Great Recession of 2008-???, The Foul Tips have shelved their efforts of legendary play and replaced them with astounding and record-breaking levels of alcoholic hedonism, imbibing more beer than a Milwaukee brewery could produce in a ten-year span. In an attempt to re-establish their former pride and honor, the City of Angels recently requested that The Foul Tips take one final shot at greatness, and join the Planet Social Sports Monday Night Softball League, where they will begin to rebuild a legacy of what was immaculate glory.