Colin Koen - Coach & Leadership Development Consultant

Fear can be one of the greatest threats to an Enabling Conversation.

Fear, like all emotions, is neither good nor bad. It is merely your bodies reaction to what you think about a situation (your story). You are hardwired for an almost instantaneous reaction to situations that are a perceived risk or a threat.

Some of the perceived threats and consequent fears that surround Enabling Conversations. The fear of:

Being attacked:
“I don’t want to speak to him. All he does is raise his voice and he will never let me speak.”

Being challenged:
“How dare they criticize me and point out where I have gone wrong?”

Conflict:
“It is just going to escalate into a fight.”

Being exposed:
“I really can’t face the possibility that I may hear the harsh truth and what people really think.”

Not being liked
“I am not going to be very popular if I say what is really on my mind.”

The moment people perceive a threat or risk in a conversation, their attention shifts to defensiveness: fight, flights or freeze behaviours, and the conversations stops being constructive.

As Brene Brown says in Dare to Lead:
“Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behaviour.”

The Leader as Coach
In recent years, coaching has become the most powerful and effective management development tool available to business. This realisation has driven an extraordinary growth in the development of leaders as coaches, in organisations around the globe.

"With the right tools and support, almost anybody can become a better coach."
Harvard Business Review - Herminia Ibarra and Anne Scoular

ENABLING CONVERSATIONS – Online Training Series

Conversations are an integral part of daily business activity. They are the means by which we share ideas, give instructions, express opinions, provide feedback, collaborate with colleagues, negotiate with suppliers and sell to customers.

“There are some moments in your life, leadership, and organisation that matter more than any others. These are moments of disproportionate influence — times when the way you show up and behave has an enormous effect on every result you care about.” Joseph Grenny

I have identified four of the most important moments in which leaders and managers are able to influence the business and performance outcomes that they and their organisations care about.

In this practical online training series, I focus on the skills, techniques and behaviours that are required for successful coaching, interviewing, reviewing performance and for motivating others.

These four activities are all dependent on the mastery of a very similar set of core skills. These are covered in the first module on Enabling Conversations. In essence, Enabling Conversations sit at the heart of each of the other four activities.

Enabling Conversations
1. Interviewing
2. Coaching
3. Performance Reviews
4. Motivating

“Give a man a fish…”
We all know how the Chinese proverb goes, yet many managers, teachers and parents can’t help rescuing others.

Every time we ‘help’ others, by providing solutions to their problems, by making a decision for them, giving advice or by doing tasks they are responsible for, we are inadvertently disabling them.

You may ask: “How can helping somebody in this way be a bad thing? Surely it is kind to help people with challenges they are having.”

And you'd be right. Helping others is indeed an act of kindness; depending on how we help.

Help which is truly kind, happens when we enable others to think for themselves. Rather than prescribing solutions, help them find their own and encourage them to try what they don’t believe they can do. Your intention should be to build confidence and ability - “teach them how to fish…”.

Next time somebody asks you for help make an empathic response and then ask a enabling question.

“I can see that you are really struggling with this. What have you tried? What would you like the outcome to be? What else could you do to achieve this outcome? If I wasn’t here how would you have handled this situation? What have you not tried?

Remember to hold the person responsible for the actions they have committed to trying.

Why your performance management systems may be failing

“Organizations are discovering that their current performance management systems aren’t yielding the ROI they assumed. Large organizations spend tens of thousands of hours and tens of millions of dollars on activities that not only don’t work, but also drive out top talent.”
Ben Wigert and Jim Harter – Galup International 2017

There has been a global revolution in the way organisations implement Performance Management Systems. The annual reviews, which focused largely on past performance and ratings are increasingly being replaced with real-time, frequent performance conversations. This transformation has also seen a shift away from performance linked rewards to enabling conversations that develop and grow performance.

If your managers and staff do not have the skills to have Enabling Conversations, your performance management system will fail.

Enabling Conversations for Performance, is a highly interactive workshop that provides delegates with a deep understanding and the skills to have effective performance conversations. Not only do participants learn skills, but they will be given an opportunity to practice Enabling Conversations in a safe learning environment and receive valuable feedback.

Our mental stories play a powerful role in determining our reaction to events and consequently how we engage in conversations.

One of my favorite theories is built around the idea that the way we react is driven by our emotions. We run away because we are feeling afraid, we hide because we are feeling threatened, we shout at somebody because we are feeling angry. This link between our emotions and our behaviours is almost instantaneous.

Our emotions, in turn, are largely influenced by the beliefs we have about the world. It is not the snake that terrifies us. Instead it is our belief or mental story about snakes that will determine how we feel and consequently how we react.

Our stories are often prone to drama. Albert Ellis defined three drama stories:

1. Caratrophising: have a belief that something is far worse than it actually is.
2. Awfulising: This occurring when a person believes that: “a bad, unfortunate, or inconvenient circumstance is more than bad, it is the worst it could be.” Ellis
3. Over Generalisations: use of words such as 'always', 'never' and 'ever' when describing people or events: “You always interrupt me.”

We exaggerate, generalize and dramatize to justify what we are feeling, the extent of our feelings and our reactions.

The greater the 'drama' the stronger the emotion and resulting reaction.

Ask yourself: Am I "in drama" about what is happening or could there be a different, more realistic way of seeing this situation?

In conversations we often provoke in others the behaviours that reinforces our beliefs about them.

Let's say I believe that John is aggressive and that this is the reason why I avoid speaking to him. My ego loves the idea that John is to blame for the breakdown in our communication. I will subtly, and often subconsciously, provoke John into being aggressive each time I speak to him. In this way my beliefs are reinforced, and I become even more attached and self-righteous.

“You see, there he goes again. I told you he is aggressive and that he is to blame for the conflict between us.”

Other ways in which we increase our levels of attachment to an existing belief:

- We discount or reject any evidence that runs contrary to our story.
- We look for people who hold the same story and collude with them about being right: “They agree with me that…”
- We play our story over and over in our heads, or out loud to anybody who will listen.
- We let tenuous information become a “fact”.
- The more attached we become to our story, the less able we are to see anything different.

How are you sustaining your stories about yourself, others and the world?
To what extent are you provoking in others the behaviours that support your beliefs about them?

The beliefs we become attached to; about ourselves, others and the world around us, are often psychologically rewarding. In other works, there is some benefit derived from holding onto these beliefs.

“I’m not the kind of person who can remember people’s names. I will forget their name within a few minutes of meeting them.” Sound familiar?

This is a simple belief about remembering names. So, what is the benefit? As long as I believe this, I will never have to make an effort to remember people’s names. What’s the point? And when I do forget a name, it is "just who I am". I am then provided with a very useful excuse. As you will see in my next post, every time I forget the name of somebody I meet, my belief is confirmed, and I believe it even more.

Our stories are self-serving.

“It’s not my fault.” .. the reward - you avoid taking responsibility and make other people the problem.

“They are always picking on me.”.. the reward - continue being the angry victim, feeling sorry for yourself and getting attention.

“I am right.”.. the reward: make others wrong, remain in judgement and avoid having to listen.

"He’s an idiot”.. the reward: I can keep treating others according to the label I have given them.

What stories do you enter a conversation with?
How is this story serving you?

During an argument, do you believe that you are right?

I recently listened to a radio interview with political leaders from two opposing parties. It was not surprising that they each presented such different, and often opposite, stories about recent events that had taken place in the Western Cape. Yet they were both convinced that their story represented the truth and that they were 100% right.

I found it interesting how attached each person was to their own story of events and how this prevented them from being open to a constructive conversation.

If I am right and you are different, then by definition you are wrong.

While political confrontations play themselves out daily around the world, it is no different in our own lives.

Being right makes those who have different views, wrong. The problem is that there is no right and wrong when it comes to perceptions … only differences.

Our own stories about events and people are a personal interpretation of reality. They reflect what we believe to be true. Our stories are exactly that …. a story. Ten people may have ten different interpretations of the same event. So, who is right?

The more attached we are to our own stories, the more we:
• Become close minded to the views and beliefs of others,
• Defends our own position
• Judge those who have differing points-of view

In the next few posts, I will share some insights regarding the stories we become attached to and the impact this has on our ability to have ‘Enabling Conversations.’

“Seek first to understand…”

Your perceptions and beliefs about a situation or person have been shaped by your unique experiences. What you don't know is, HOW others have experienced the same situation and WHAT they believe.

For the next few days, make your default response a question. Once you have heard the answer, ask another question and then another...then respond.

Do you notice how your conversations change when you adopt this approach?

Asking questions with genuine curiosity allow us to:

1. Hear what others believe about a situation and how this differs from our own perceptions
2. Find out what others think, how they feel, and what they know
3. Be a roll-model to others for listening and questioning
4. Understand what we are dealing with before we react and impulsively respond

By always being in a “telling mode”, you learn nothing from the conversation.

Stephen Covey in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, identified the fifth habit as: 'Seek first to understand and then to be understood.'

In an 'Enabling Conversation' the habit to ask questions is critical to your success.

I often ask training delegates:
"What do you want this question to achieve?"

In your busy, complex and often chaotic life, it is very difficult to remain focused and 100% present on any one task.

Being fully present in your conversations with your partner, children, colleagues, team members, friends or boss, is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. It tells them that what they have to say is important, that they are worthy of your time and in that moment, they are the most important person to you.

One of the exercises I give delegates during the 'Enabling Conversations Training Programme' requires them to be 100% present for somebody they have recently taken for granted.

I invite you to give this a try during the next week.

1. Find a space where there are no distractions.
2. Try to sit facing the person you are speaking to.
3. Ask them neutral questions that show genuine interest.
4. Avoid making suggestions, giving advice or in any way shifting the conversation to yourself.
5. Consciously remain focused on what the person is telling you. Listen and then ask another question.
6. See how long you can keep them talking by just being present, listening with genuine curiosity and asking questions.

Share your experience in the comments.

Corporate Mental Health – The Next Global Pandemic

“Since we went into lockdown, I am working harder than ever and many more hours a day. I just can't cope anymore.”

This comment was made by a senior bank manager. It is a view that has been expressed to me by so many coaching clients and friends who have been forced into working from home. The mental health implications of the “new normal” world of work will be crippling for many individuals and businesses.

Most managers avoid having conversations with team members suffering from mental health issues. They often do not understand the symptoms and potential consequences of mental health problems, not only for their employees but also on the performance of the business.

Employees are reluctant to initiate conversations about mental health with anybody in the organisation. Instead they:

- Pretend that everything is normal and keep going – “I’m fine. I can coping.”
- Numb their emotions – alcohol, drugs, overeating and job hopping
- Aggressive behaviour – blaming others for their own inability to cope and taking frustrations out on loved ones

Businesses need to be more aware of mental health issues in the workplace and learn to have conversations about what is fast becoming the next global pandemic.

Work Mind Matters