Psychotherapy Vienna- Mag. Elena Padurariu

Most couples come to therapy wanting better communication. But communication is rarely the real obstacle.

What gets in the way is less visible: in conflict, we stop being curious about our partner and start assuming instead.
"You don't care."
"You're doing this on purpose."
Once we're sure we know what they're thinking, we stop responding to them and start responding to the story we've built about them.

I think of a couple I worked with. One partner had gone through a period of treating the other’s time as less important, cancelling plans, running late, assuming flexibility. Over time, the behaviour changed. But the old reactions did not change with it.
Today, when the partner who once took their own time for granted occasionally needs to do so again, they often hesitate before even asking. They already anticipate anger, disappointment, or a no, even though those reactions have become much less common.
At the same time, the other partner may still feel the familiar flash: My time doesn’t matter to them, even when the request is reasonable and very different from what happened in the past.

Both are reacting to the past, not the present.
This is how old patterns outlive their cause: not because nothing changed, but because the story never caught up.

A simple change of perspective helps: instead of "why are you doing this to me?" we can try "what might be happening for you right now?"
Psychologists call this mentalizing: staying curious about someone's inner world, even while hurt.
One exercise to try: next time you're certain you know what your partner is thinking, ask yourself for three other possible explanations. You don't need to believe any of them. The pause before reaction is what matters, because it interrupts certainty and makes room to be curious again.

Understanding doesn't always resolve conflict right away. But it changes the way the conversation goes on. And that's often where change begins: we start having new endings to old conversations.
I wrote more about this on my blog:
https://www.padurariu.at/post/the-stories-we-tell-ourselves-during-conflict

The Stories We Tell Ourselves During Conflict Many people come to therapy hoping to learn better communication skills: to argue less, express themselves more clearly, and finally feel understood.Yet in years of working with couples, one pattern stands out: communication itself is rarely the biggest obstacle.What gets in the way is less visible....

Resilient couples don't avoid conflict — they know how to come back to each other after things go wrong. 💛

In my latest blog post, I share what building relational resilience has looked like in my own life: understanding the stories we carry into relationships, learning to voice needs as vulnerability rather than accusation, and embracing repair as a skill rather than a sign of failure.

Because love isn't something that either exists or gradually disappears. It's a daily practice — a choice to keep turning toward each other rather than away.

👉 Read the full post here: https://www.padurariu.at/post/how-we-build-relational-resilience

How We Build Relational Resilience When we hear the word resilience, we usually think of an individual's ability to adapt to difficult life experiences through emotional flexibility, self-awareness, and healthy coping.But what about relationships?Relational resilience is the ability of a couple to navigate challenges, recover from di...

The highlight of my day.

One of the most rewarding moments in my work as a couples therapist is witnessing the exact instant partners begin having conversations they've never had before.

Today, I sat with a couple who did something powerful — they left their old patterns at the door and tried something different:

✦ Reflecting back on what they heard
✦ Validating each other's emotional experiences
✦ Showing genuine empathy for each other's pain
✦ Slowing the conversation down
✦ Expressing feelings without criticism

I could feel the change in the emotional tone. I could witness a depth of connection neither of them had experienced before — right there in the room.

It takes practice, of course. But living that moment in a safe space creates something invaluable: a reference point for what's possible. A felt sense of *"we can do this."*

This was the most meaningful moment of my day — and honestly, of so many days in this work.

To every couple who lets me witness their transformation: thank you. It is a privilege I don't take lightly.

💙

Tuesday evening, I had the pleasure of attending the *“Open Discussion: Living as an International Family”* organised by Verein FIBEL and professionally moderated by Mag. Stanislawa Schraufek Merdinger, a psychologist with many years of experience supporting bicultural couples and expat families.

The event created a genuine, open, and welcoming space where individuals and families could share their experiences, challenges, and emotions related to living in Vienna as an expat family or being in a bicultural relationship.

For me personally, it was a wonderful opportunity to connect with like-minded colleagues and exchange thoughts on the challenges, needs, and best practices when working with expats in Vienna.

✨ My professional takeaways:

• Feeling grateful to meet professionals who share the same passion for supporting expat families and bicultural couples.

• Learning more about the valuable support offered by Verein FIBEL — not only psychological counseling, but also legal guidance for international families.

• Witnessing once again how important safe spaces are for discussing the unique experiences of expat life, and how empowering these conversations can be.

💛 On a personal note:

The cards below represent my values and resources within my relationship — part of an inspiring reflective exercise we explored during the event.

Thank you, Verein FIBEL, thank you, Stanislawa, for organising this inspiring event!

Many professionals feel constantly under time pressure.
In conversations about stress at work, one observation comes up surprisingly often: people schedule meetings with everyone else, and leave very little time for their own priorities.
Their calendars are full, and the day often feels reactive because it is filled with meetings, incoming emails, requests, and urgent matters rather than deliberate choices of time spent on the assignments specific to their roles.
Over time, this can lower our sense of agency over how we spend our time and also our work satisfaction.

One change that can significantly influence both productivity and mental well-being is becoming more intentional about how we design our calendar.

Most people tell me they have only around 20-30% control over their schedules, and the rest is decided by others. But when people begin to observe their planning habits more carefully, a few interesting patterns tend to emerge.

📅 Many realize that they regularly underestimate how long tasks will take. As meetings expand, the day becomes filled with back-to-back commitments, and any unplanned event creates a sense of anxiety or panic.
📅 Others notice that the breaks they intended to take disappear, replaced by “just finishing one more thing” until the day becomes exhausting in the end.
📅 They plan time inefficiently, using their high focus intervals of time for activities that don't require strong focus, and the other way around, planning difficult tasks at times when focus is already depleted.

These patterns are often invisible until we deliberately step back and look at them. But once they become visible, something important changes.

✅ People begin to make more realistic time estimates for their work activities.
✅ With a more realistic time estimate, they take a more informed decision about accepting or refusing extra tasks.
✅ They start "protecting" their focus time for deep work, so it becomes easier to focus on one task at a time and be more efficient.
✅ They take more breaks, so when the day ends, they still have some energy left for their families.
✅ And perhaps most importantly, they regain a stronger sense that they are actively shaping their day rather than constantly reacting to it.

Small adjustments in how we plan our time can therefore influence more than productivity. They can strengthen our sense of control, reduce daily stress, and help us use our energy more intentionally.
I’m curious:
If you looked at your calendar from the past week, what patterns would you observe first?

# TimeManagement

A dream came true.

💖 Celebrate a Week of Love 💖
Sometimes love is not only about flowers and chocolate. It is about creating space for honest and difficult conversations.
As a couples therapist, it is my privilege to guide you in having those conversations with empathy, respect, and understanding.
This Valentine’s season, for the first time, I’m offering 20% off your first Couples Therapy Session as a way to support couples who are ready to invest in their relationship.
Until 19 February, use the code Iloveyou to surprise your partner with 20% off a First Couples Therapy Session! The code is valid for one use per customer.
If you feel ready, book here: https://wix.to/wOthPDo

"As long as the men were angry, they were safe."

Yesterday, I revisited the opening chapter of Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath. After the dust storms destroyed the corn, the women and children didn't look at the ruins of the crop. They looked at the faces of the men to see if they would break.
Steinbeck observed something profound more than 80 years ago: Anger was a sign of life. It was a sign of mobilization. The real danger—the moment the families began to wonder if they would survive—was when the men became silent and defeated.

As a psychotherapist working with the expat community here in Vienna, this scene hit home.

Moving to a new country often means losing our "crops"—our familiar support systems, professional contexts, and the ease of a shared language. When the "dust storms" of transition, career stress, or isolation hit, our families and our own inner selves are watching to see: Will we survive this?

In my latest blog post, I dive into why "resilience" isn't just a mindset, but a biological state of the autonomic nervous system.

We often think we are "acting upon" our environment, but my work is to help you realize how your environment and your biology are acting upon you. By understanding these states, you transition from a "victim" of the transition to an active operator of your own nervous system.

Don't stand "in the dust" alone. Learn how to rewrite your struggle story into one of strength and resilience.

Read the full article here: https://www.padurariu.at/post/standing-in-the-dust-what-a-classic-novel-teaches-us-about-expat-resilience-in-vienna

Standing in the Dust: What a Classic Novel Teaches Us About Expat Resilience in Vienna Yesterday, I revisited the opening chapter of John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath. There is a beautiful scene where, after the corn is destroyed by the dust, the women and children watch the men. They aren't looking at the ruins of the crop; they are looking at the faces of the men to see if they...