11/09/2026
It’s been a year since my grandmother died. In that first year of my grief I spent 6 months of it hosting my grandpa here at my home in the UK and helping guide him through his own grief journey after losing his wife of 60+ years. We learned to drag ourselves through 6 months of ‘firsts’ without her. {Christmas, Bday, Anniversary etc}
I spent the second 6 months trying to find my own path to healing or just finding my own way of being without access to her on the other end of the phone when things are tough. I tried to fix myself by soaking up our girls, my husband and running this business, but the loss was sitting there like a lump in my throat.
I stopped *moving* in a purposeful way this year. I was embarrassed because I would cry mid set (which is just not chic, nobody needs an owner crying in the corner). I felt selfish for taking a minute for me, I needed to just hyper focus on everyone else. My mind hasn’t been in it. I wasn’t feeding myself properly, *drinking lots of wine, so training felt pointless. What’s the point if I’m not going to make any progress? What’s the point of a fitness goal anyway?
I felt of more value to the world by keeping my head down, responding to emails and fixing things around the building and chopping and changing client’s sessions etc and all of the other details that come with my day to day. But while still carrying around a hole in my universe.
How could I fill the hole? How could I cure the ache?
I have learned, one year in, that I can’t fill the hole, so, I will just grow around it. My grandma died…but I have not. So, I keep moving. I keep showing up. I’ve started again because I can. I’m alive, and as long as I’m alive and moving, her spirit moves too.
I did 3 purposeful workouts this week, and my grief was still there. It was there at the beginning of the day, and it was still there to pick up after my session, but I feel more emotionally clear headed for my family. I feel proud of myself for moving. And it’s reminded me that I can’t pour from an empty cup.
So, if you’re like me right now..get started. You’re here. Move. Move through it. Move with it. Move because you can. �
